Wednesday, December 31, 2008

i failed the challenge

what changed and what should keep changing

i believe it is expected out of every blogger to write something about the end of a year and the beginning of another. so i am going to attempt to write something about the closing of 2008. nothing profound or enlightening... just me being me...

in the beginning of 2008 my goal was to lose weight (who doesn't have that goal), to not stress over the small things, and to grow closer to God. i honestly think i have the same goals every year... yet, i think this year i reached one of my goals.

i was able to lose a few more pounds (36 inch waist to 33), but still don't have the beach bod i want.. so this year i am going to keep working on that.

i didn't grow closer to God. in some ways i grew further away. seeing what i see in court causes me to some times wonder why He lets so many bad things happen to little kids. i know there is going to be an answer from the conservative type, but some times i just don't buy it.

i also still stress over the little things inside. i have a hard time admitting when i am overwhelmed by something. i can walk around for days not showing that there is a battle going on inside my head... then one day i will explode and my mouth will end up causing more damage than a fat man sitting in a plastic lawn chair from dollar general.

so this new year that is coming up, i am going to focus on who i am supposed to be. too long i have tried to please everyone around me and i have forgotten who i was created to be.

now i want to do a list of things that have happened this year.

riley thomas was born (greatest day of my life).
my sister got cancer again (worst day of my life).
the avatar ended (i cried).
the dark knight (i peed my pants)!
i got a tattoo.
angie didn't kill me when we got a bank statement (monthly danger i face).
wondergirl was missing and then returned 10 days later.
wongergirl was killed 5 months after that.
i shaved my head and discovered i have an odd shaped head.
i tore something inside me and bled for months.
due to james' wonderful attachments, i no longer can open his e-mails at work.
riley no longer likes yoshima, but cold play.
3 months of no fights with father in-law.
discovered that belly button lint stinks.
got my toe stuck in a chair (long story).
married josh and rue.
josh moved (sad day).
did my first jewish/christian wedding.
lost more hair and naired my back and got burned.
passed out in the bathroom (due to a sickness) and woke up with my head on the toilet.
got batman lego and my life has been forever changed...

this is a small list. i just thought i would throw a few things out there...

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

hope you all have a wonderful day!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

ready to hit the road

today i leave for st.louis. i am not sure what time i will be hitting the road. it is all up to the judge. it seems like every year court falls on the day i need to travel.

last year i didn't get to st.louis til 4 in the morning. it was one of the longest drives of my life. i remember having a hard time staying awake, but thankfully this year i am stopping for coffee every chance i get.

so, i guess i am writing to say merry christmas to everyone. i really hope you have a wonderful time with family and friends...

love ya!

Friday, December 19, 2008

observation...not my wife's strongest gift

normally i try to avoid bringing up touchy subjects between my wife and i... yet today i cannot avoid it. i can no longer be silent about my smart talented wife's lesser and unused gift.

since ang and i have been dating i have noticed her lack of observing those around her while she shops in wal-mart. she enjoys blocking the aisles with her cart. blocking people's view of the items they are shopping for.

me being the wonderful person i am - i am always aware of those around me. always trying to make sure i am not in any one's way. i am even more sensitive during the holiday season. tensions are high amongst the christmas shoppers and they are easily set of by the slightest inconvenience.

last night we went to wal-mart and i really tried hard not to be uptight while she shopped. i even took the cart so she wouldn't be able to block, run in to, or annoy any other shoppers.

most of the shopping experience was uneventful. just once when she backed into a woman's path to a picture frame. me being the good husband i am, i just smiled at the lady and she kept walking.

on the way home angie and i talked about what i had observed. she accused me of overreacting. i pressed harder that i was correct. she pressed harder that i was wrong and just an uptight person.

thankfully we never actually got heated on this subject.

some of you may wonder why i am writing such a blog to talk about my wife... because i want the world to be on the look out for my wife in wal-mart.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

christmas past

for some reason i have started to think about christmas with my family.
it maybe cause i won't get to see them until after christmas or it could be the fact that there was always something to make christmas stick out more in my mind.

one year i received a cabbage patch khoosa (a dog i called coco). i was maybe 7 years old and i remember getting a "swat" to my butt for pointing out that his outfit had a tail hole (a place for his tail to stick out). how was i to know i was saying something i should not have?! it is still a happy memory.

there was a year my granny bought me a bunch of he-man action figures. i was so happy. it was the he-man with battle damage (you hit his chest and a scratch would appear in his armor. hit him again and another scratch would appear). i spent most of christmas playing up stairs with he-man. only food was able to pull me away from my action figures.

two weeks later his leg broke off... it was a sad day.

when i was a freshman in high school my papaw bought some of us burial plots. i was not thrilled. how do you say "thank you" when you only get to use it in death?
i know now he was just looking out for us, but still! throw a couple of dollars in there or something!

so this year i am looking forward to my son's first christmas. i want to make each one a good or odd memory. i want him to look back and see his dad as a lot of fun and always making things a little more interesting.

i am sorry that this blog seems to be all over the place. i am sitting in court and i am trying to act like i am paying attention... so hard to play the role of an adult.

Monday, December 15, 2008

oh the holidays

it seems like every year i end up spending most of my time in the courtroom.
last year after spending 12 hours in court i drove to st.louis to spend christmas with my wife's family. the long drive and many cups off coffee left me feeling less festive the next day.

this year i will be spending the day before christmas eve in court and then driving once again to st.louis.

i am not complaining about the drive or court.

i am complaining because i won't get to spend time with my brother in-law's. i always look forward to spending quality time making fun of the family with them.

it turns out the day i arrive in st.louis is the day they leave for home. i knew growing up was going to be hard, but no one told me that having a job would keep me from doing the things i love.

on a side note...

jasper was part of his first christmas program last night. even though he is only 2 months old, i must say he was the best actor up there. he did everything he was supposed to.

i was a proud father. the rest of the parents must of hung their heads in shame when they saw my little boy take the stage.

now i sit in a courtroom waiting for court to start. thankfully today is going to be a short day, but tomorrow is going to be a longer one.

i am getting sick of looking at the people in court. it is the same people over and over again. i don't understand why people just can't stay out of trouble.

ok... i am going to stop complaining. i have a lot more to complain about, but i won't.

don't worry james... i won't mention how people get to know me to get to you...
someday i will reach your level of greatness...

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

things i can use to start fights with the in-laws over christmas

too many this will be a shock....but i don't always agree with my in-laws. i know, i know... i get a long with everyone - why would i want to start a fight between me and my wife's family?

1. it's fun.
2. we never really get mad.
3. my father in-law and i have always argued. it is part of our friendship.
4. it wouldn't be christmas without making angie uncomfortable (she often worries what is going to come out of my mouth next).
5. they can't stay mad at me too long... i have a baby.

so as i sit here at my desk, i think of great topics to bring up. like george w. saying he doesn't believe the Bible is literal. WOW!!! W. is like one of the apostles to some people. could this be? could he not be as great as some people in my family think?

what about bringing up the american flag standing erect in the church? seems kind of odd to have a national idol in the church doesn't it?

maybe why i think charlie daniels music is annoying?

or how fox news is actually pushing porn with their website.

i don't say these things because i strongly believe in them, but because of the reaction i receive from her father. it brings holiday joy to my heart.

steve knows i love to annoy him.... just like he likes to annoy me. it is a beautiful friendship. if we were to always be nice to each other... i would worry.

Monday, December 08, 2008

recently a website has been brought to my attention by some of the teens in my youth group. normally i just ignore what they talk about. assuming it is nothing more than teenage stupidity, but for some reason i visited this website.

i discovered i was wrong. a lot of teens do post some retarded things, but i also discovered that a lot of adults spend a lot of time on this website. they waste their time posting horrible comments about the locals and what they think about the appco workers.

it is a website meant for local news, but has become a place for prep haters to voice their feelings about being skanks, husbands to talk about cheating on their wives, middle school kids poll people to see who they should date, and pastor's children to be attacked for being children.

this website is completely retarded... and i love it. not because i read about which lee county middle school girl is ugly, but because i am entertained by how low people will go when their identity is safe.

i know, i know.... shame on me for going to such a lowbrow website, but come on!!! it is local news!!!!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

jasper's Christmas list

my last two blogs have been somewhat sad. so i figured i would try to lighten the mood...
so i am going to post jasper's Christmas list.

a Wii for daddy.
a Mac book pro for daddy.
a blackberry for daddy.
batman lego for ds for daddy.
an ink pen for mommy.
and last but not least.... the ability to control my arms.

isn't he the sweetest little boy. always thinking of others.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008


this morning wondergirl's little friend skippy came to visit her this morning. i almost started to cry.. i sat him down and explained to him that she was never coming back, but he kept looking for her. he went into her dog house, to her favorite spot on the porch, then he ran down to the garage... it was sad. then he found her. he found the spot she was buried. he just sniffed around with his tail wagging, but then it stopped once he realized she wasn't coming out of the ground. it was sad. so i fixed him some food and went on to work.
i never realized how much i would love that dog. i will miss walking with her to the lake. throwing sticks in the air. watching her act like she is going to attack me, but then to have her just jump up and kiss me.

Monday, December 01, 2008

i will miss you

today i lost my best friend. sure she couldn't really talk and she liked to jump on me a lot, but i loved her. she was the best dog ever... i wish i wouldn't have let you out for that split second.

Friday, November 21, 2008

the first snow....

it is november. it snowed an inch. i discovered this while in my underwear.
it was cold.
it was wet.
my tooth was killing me.

to make a long story short. my bottom wisdom tooth has yet to come in. i am 30 years old. it seems like they should have come through by now... i have already had the top two pulled, but the bottom two have plenty of room to grow (or so the nazi dentist says).

it really hurts when they start pushing through. so when i woke up at 1 this morning with throbbing pain in my mouth, i knew i needed something to end it quickly. the bad thing was that my ambesoll was in the car.

as i was laying in bed i fought with getting up and going to get it. i thought maybe i could just make my mind think about something else... it worked for 10 seconds.
i got up and just ran outside as quickly as i could. my body met the shock of cold and me feet discovered the inch of snow was cruel.

some may ask...

"was it worth it?"

yes and no. after applying a lot of this numbing gel i was able to sleep for 4 more hours.

then at 4 i woke up with the pain screaming in my mouth...

i remembered something my uncle had said years ago.

"whiskey can kill any pain."

i got out of bed and searched for the whiskey i had received for a gift last year.
thankfully i found it buried under some cooking supplies...

i took a big swig and started to swish it... it burned, but to my surprise it killed the pain... my breath was bad, but my mouth felt wonderful.

that is the story of the first snow.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

cold weather and early nights

i have mentioned once before how much i hate the time change.
i have to say it again.


i don't like getting tired by 6 p.m., i don't like it getting dark by 5, i don't like freezing while walking my dog, and i don't like waking up with snow on my car...

now that i got that out of the way... i am going to tell you a story.

saturday night i returned after a long uneventful day in lexington. i was tired, hungry, and was not in the mood to have my dog jump on me and get me muddy... needless to say she didn't care.

as soon as i let her out she jumped up on me. i tried to hold her off, but she kept jumping. somehow she knocked my wedding ring off (since i have lost 30 pounds since i got married the ring doesn't fit as well). i heard it hit the concrete and that was it.

since it was already dark i turned my car lights on and started searching for my ring. about 45 minutes into the search i decided to give up until the morning. my hands were numb and my temper was up... i was not in the mood to keep searching.

that night angie called (she and jasper were in st.louis). i wasn't going to tell her, but i thought it would be better to go ahead and let her know that our evil dog had caused me to lose my wedding ring.

thankfully she didn't get upset, but i could tell she was feeling sorry for me (i had told her that to comfort myself i ate a whole can of tomato soup and a grilled cheese).

after a good nights sleep, i got up to look for the ring again. after 15 minutes of searching i gave up. i was going to be late for work and i didn't want to start my day off in a bad mood.

i fed the dog and was walking towards to the trash can when i noticed my ring. apparently when it hit the concrete it bounced pretty far from where i was standing...

that was my boring story... i know i live a really dull life... not my fault. i blame the town...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

a list of things i need to work on

1. wake up before 7:15.
2. actually pay attention when in a church service.
3. stop making fun of people who try too hard.
4. stop making fun of people who think they are cool.
5. stop making fun of people who actually are cool.
6. stop making fun of people who say "this is true".
7. stop making fun of people who like country music (i don't make fun of my wife... ok i do).
8. stop making fun of people for being stupid.
9. stop making fun of people for being smart.
10. stop making fun of people for who they voted for.
11. check my oil more often.
12. pay attention in court.
13. workout more.
14. help with the laundry.
15. stop speeding (as much).
16. stop blogging at work.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

bad burgers and crazy dreams

i am not sure about the rest of america, but i had the day off yesterday. i honored our vets by staying home and doing nothing important. i spent most of the day laying around with jasper and eating. i felt very patriotic.

since i was home ang was able to go to the grocery store (some may be surprised that she trusts me alone with jasper, but he enjoys watching cartoons with his daddy).

she returned with wonderful food (cap'n crunch with crunch berries) and some that was not so wonderful.

she was trying to be a good wife and find foods that won't upset my tender tummy. yet, i am not sure veggie burgers are the best for that. i decided to try them. so i grilled them for dinner.

while i was grilling satan's burgers, james called to ask me some random questions about a job offer (different story... different blog). during the conversation i was able to get a good smell of the burgers. it wasn't a smell that i enjoyed. it kind of made me think about a nursing home. i mentioned what i was making and his response was "why?" . the more he and i talked about the burgers the more i realized that they were going to be nasty. i couldn't even tell when they were cooked .

i fixed angie's plate of food and apologized to jasper for what he was going to eat in a few hours. after trying to find things to cover the burger to make it taste better, i sat down to partake of the wonderful meal (not to act better than anyone, but angie started eating before we prayed), took a deep breath, opened wide, and took a bite.

it wasn't as bad as my mind had made it, but it wasn't good. i wasn't even able to finish this veggie burger.

now on to the dream:

i have been known to have some crazy dreams, but this one really beats anything else i have ever dreamed. i am somewhat nervous about even admitting this, but what the heck...

it started out with me behind stage and nervous (this happens often in my dreams. i am about to perform and i don't remember what i was going to sing). when the curtains opened i started to dance...

dear God i am a ballerina!

i am wearing the tights and everything. we move into the crowd and kept dancing. everything seemed to be going well. then the instructor looks back at me and asks...

"where's bowser?"

oh my goodness.... i am in mario bros. the ballet..

"you must be bowser!" the instructor screams...


that was the point where i woke up. it was one of the oddest dreams i have ever had.

i believe i will regret this blog.

Monday, November 10, 2008

dog pillow

saturday i bought wondergirl a really nice dog pillow. i worry about her getting cold in this winter like weather.

when i showed ang the nice pillow she told me she would kill the dog if she tore it up. i tried to convince her that wondergirl would never do something like that (even though deep down i know she is an evil dog who likes to destroy anything and everything around her).

saturday night she did well.

sunday morning i walked outside to feed her and the pillow was still intact. i was proud of my dog. she was showing real maturity.

this morning i was running late as usual.

i stepped outside and saw green fluff every where.

i looked in her lot and there she was... covered in green fluff. the nice pillow shredded all around her. i lost my temper and i wanted to spank her, but i couldn't bring myself to beat her.

i hurried and picked up all of her mess and threw it away.

i didn't want ang to see that she was right.

i hate when ang is right. it happens too often. i always seem to be finding myself on the side of wrong. it sucks being there. she always brings it up too... she likes to remind me of my less prideful moments...

Friday, November 07, 2008

to the man in the men's room

dear man in the men's restroom in the courthouse,
i do not know you, nor do i know your face. but i do know your smell.
each day around 11 a.m you bless us with your stench. it fills not only the restroom, but my office. a smell that cannot be described any other way but the smell of death.

please take no offense to what i am saying. you may actually be near death's door, but could you please light a match? i cannot handle the smell much longer. to have people walk into the office and believe it is me who unleashed the apocalypse is never a fun thing.

the worst is when i walk in the restroom while you are in the process of dying. the heavy breathing and grunting can be helped. you could also flush the toilet while you are still in the middle of creating your havoc.

your smell clings to my clothes and nose hairs.

like i said before, i mean no offense... just please bring some matches or find somewhere else to die.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

the end is near

apparently i am going to be forced into adulthood...

DC Comics is cancelling Robin's Comic!!!! i have read this comic since i was in high school... how could this happen. it is the end of my innocence...

first my hair and now this?!

when will i grow up?

as a teenager i believed that i would be a mature adult by the time i reached 25. when i was 25 i assumed that i would act more like an adult when i turned 30.
now that i am 30, i am guessing that by the time i am 40 i will grow up.

the sad thing is that i was also told that once you become a parent you automatically become an adult (this may have been one of the reasons why i was so nervous about becoming a father). boy were they wrong.

i envisioned me getting up at 6 in the morning and making coffee and watching the morning news. i imagined that i would spend my evenings working in the basement on different projects. i was hoping that i would have learned how to work on a car and i would always know what that odd sound was coming from the engine.

it has yet to happen.

i still sleep in on my days off. on a work day i wake up at 7:15 and rush to work. in the evenings i play with jasper and watch cartoons until it is time for me to go to bed. i still spend 20 something (ang says i "waste") dollars on comics. i forget to change the oil in my car and i almost run out of gas at least once a week. i show up to work barely awake and i constantly forget to put things on the docket.

how can i force adulthood on myself? how can i become a more responsible adult.

do i give up comics, cartoons, kool-aid?

or should i just let nature take it's course? will it happen in time?

who knows and honestly... i don't think i care as much as i did when i first started this blog post.

i know one thing.... i have seen too many things in court that makes me thankful that i have this retarded mind.

some nights i come home and can easily push aside the horrible acts that have taken place in this small town.

so... i guess i will become an adult when i die... i just hope they don't find my bloated body with twinkies all around me and super friends blasting on the television.

Friday, October 31, 2008

i am sick of politics

i am not a very political person. i have never enjoy talking about politics, nor have i a desire. it has always just seemed very boring and honestly too big of an adult conversation (which greater proves that i am immature. forget the fact that i have comic books in my bathroom and action figures in the basement).

but i do know enough to know when people are just being stupid. for some reason a lot of people think that if you are a christian you are automatically a conservative. so therefore i must be voting for mccain.

i hate that. i hate that people believe eternity hinges on the next president of america (cause Jesus loves the great U.S. more than any other country).

i listened to someone yesterday talking

"i am praying that God's man (mccain) gets into the white house and by some small chance if obama gets in we will know that it is God's judgment on america."

what? have we really gone this off course from what we were called to do? what was it Jesus said??? oh yeah.. love.

such a simple word, but seems like it means nothing to the christian community. i hear more talks about the next president more than helping the family that has lost it all in a fire.

tone change:

a month or two ago i was "blessed" to listen to a man named whitey adkins try to convince me to vote for him. it was an annoying conversation and there was no way he was going to get my vote.

1. he bleaches his hair orange.
2. he likes to talk about himself way too much.
3. he just doesn't seem to be a trust worthy person.

but today all of that changed.

he came into the circuit clerk's office with sausage biscuits for all of us. he didn't talk long thankfully, but he brought us breakfast. food. it was actually good too.

so now i may vote for him. who cares if he introduced himself to me for the 4th time. who cares that he has no history of political experience. who cares that he is hooked on himself.

he brought me breakfast. that is how you get my vote.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

hump day

as a kid this term confused me, but i will not get into that boring story. i would rather tell you about the trials i have faced today. this will shock and awe you. your heart will break and you will find tears welling up in your eyes. you will look to the heavens and ask "why?".

but please don't feel bad for me. for i am human and though these trials may seem large, they are nothing compared to what countless others face across this floating ball we call earth.

it started this morning as i was pulling out of the driveway. i noticed that i had an uncomfortable pain in the lowest part of my back. i couldn't figure out why. as i drove i kept on trying to adjust myself to make the pain/annoyance go away. nothing worked.

here i was wearing a pair of my wedge proof underwear and not getting the satisfaction that was promised to me. each time i would move my foot to the brake, the underwear would move up a little bit more. it was becoming so unbearable.

when i exited my car i looked around quickly to see if anyone was watch.
coast was clear.
i dug them out and took a few steps...
they were back where they didn't belong.

so now i am trying to make it through the day with my underwear in my bum. not much fun...

on a more positive note:
i got a pumpkin pie blizzard from DQ!!!

i had forgotten about my favorite seasonal flavor, but thankfully josh reminded me the other day (i owe you one!).

oh it is pure heaven to partake of such a frozen treat.

the only bad thing is.... i end up getting sick from eating one.

my wife asks "why do you eat those if you know you will get sick?"

"it is worth the 30 minutes on the toilet! trust me... ok?"

so now i am sitting at work. underwear up my crack. pumpkin pie blizzard in my belly. i hope i can make it home before i get sick!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

begging for money

every where i turn it seems like someone is begging for money. i go to church, some kid asks me to buy a candle off of them. i go to the store and someone is wanting a few dollars to help out the shriners. i go to work and look up from my desk and there is a man wanting to know if i want to buy a homemade cake with a pumpkin drawn on it. 10 bucks for a white 10inch cake! not only is it a small cake... it is for the republican woman's club. what do they need the money for? are they going to send it to mccain? are they going to give it to the needy? i have no clue what they are planning on doing with the funds, but why? why ask a man if he wants a cake that he could make himself (i would like to point out that i do have the ability to cook)?

i know i seem hard hearted towards the needs of the girl scouts and the republican women, but it's not like i make a ton of money and that i enjoy giving it away to ever fundraiser around me. i just always feel guilty if i don't give.

kind of like when i am in church and i know i have already given my tithe, but every time the plate goes by i still put money in it. maybe i was born this way? who knows.

when i used to be with the mission i hated going to churches and asking for money. it just didn't seem right to me. i would talk about living by faith and yet i would ask them to provide for me. where was the faith in that?

please don't get me wrong. i don't think that missionaries don't walk out on faith. it just wasn't me. that maybe one of the big reasons why i don't belong with a mission.

it's always a tough subject to talk about in a church setting anyway. money... it is a bad word. i think i could say the f-word and receive a better reception.

so as i sit here and ramble i pray that i don't have to see another fundraiser today. i don't think my little heart can take it.

on a side note: i ate a sandwich made from white bread today. i haven't done that in a long time. it was a good sandwich, but the bread kept sticking to the roof of my mouth. why is that?

oh white bread. i used to love eating you. making a jelly sandwich and watching he-man. we had some good times, but you have been replaced by wheat bread. much darker. better for me. keeps the ole' colon clean too.

Monday, October 27, 2008

the aftermath

the woolly worm has come and gone.
the city streets are no longer littered with rednecks and bad bluegrass music (i only say bad because i don't like bluegrass music). my friends from old have all returned to their homes and i am left here in beattyville wondering why i didn't buy that homemade ice cream.

i mean, i bought two cones of it, but i should have had at least one more. what would it have hurt? ice cream is good for you... your body has to warm it up to burn it. so you are burning calories as you eat it!

as i drove into town this morning it was like the festival had never even happened.
the streets were clean and all of the vendors were long gone. oh how i am going to miss you woolly worm... maybe some day i will be citizen of the year and i will ride down your parade.

on a different note:

today is the year anniversary of katie's death. there are days i really miss her.
this past weekend would have been a time that we would have spent time with her. she would have been here with her brother and sisters. she would have laughed at the parade with us. she would have met jasper. my father would have smacked her on the back of the head sunday morning in church like always.

it's hard to believe a year has already gone.

i still miss you.

Friday, October 24, 2008

maybe they need to start working on their own

josh, rue, and jasper...
they will be his liberal family (since i am not liberal enough).

Thursday, October 23, 2008

forcing feeding

breakfast: one of the most important meals of the day. a meal that kicks starts your body. a meal that i used to avoid as a teen. a meal that was forced upon me while i was in bible college (sorry josh, i mean propaganda school).

during my stint at southland i suffered many things. preachers who forced their views and twisted scripture to back up their views. students who seemed to believe everything that was force fed to them (sadly i fell into that trap my first year, but was pulled out by a good friend who partied too much. i just find it amazing who God speaks through).i was constantly being reminded that God doesn't like his children going to public schools (plus if you went to prom you were really bad off. i actually remember someone asking me if my parents were christians... they thought it was odd that a godly couple would let their children dance. it's a good thing i didn't tell them i shed all of my clothing to run around the school gym before the prom ended). i was unable to listen to any music with a drum beat. all of these seemed pretty bad, but nothing was as bad as being forced to get up and eat breakfast at 7.

most college students enjoy walking into class barely awake, but not me. i would get up at 6, iron my clothes (if we had wrinkles we could get in trouble), clean my dorm room (we had dorm checks each morning) shower, shave (cut myself every time. that is why i no longer shave), and say a quick prayer that God wouldn't get mad at me for putting cheat notes in my Bible to help me pass my theology test (even though i discovered that some of the answers were never in my Bible, they were just the beliefs of the teacher). i would then run to the dinning hall and wonder if i was going to eat the food put before me.

some days the food was pretty good, but other days it was down right sinful. they would boil eggs and toast some bread. that was it. on a rare occasion i would eat this, but later realize that it had some really bad effects on the body. i would sit in class praying that i wouldn't blow up from the amount of gas building in my bloated belly.

once in awhile i would become brave and skip breakfast. i would wake up at 6 and realize that i am an adult and no one can force me to eat. so i would stay in bed. i would walk into class refreshed and gas free. i would only realize after my class that it was a mistake to think for myself and try to be an adult.

each time i would skip breakfast i would always find a demerit slip in my mailbox. apparently God thought it was a sin to not eat breakfast. so i would ask for his forgiveness and offer up a boiled egg as a burnt offering.

little did i know that skipping breakfast was not the sin... it was over eating that was a sin. i gained over 50 pounds while there at sbi, but no one ever gave me a demerit for being overweight (maybe because most of the staff was overweight)- just for skipping breakfast and not having my shirt tucked in (plus a whole list of other things).

thankfully i have learned to overcome my battle with breakfast and being overweight. i just don't punish myself if i skip it.

now if i could just get over my need to iron everything...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

wondergirl and jealousy

the day we brought jasper home i walked up to wondergirl to introduce her to the new family member. she whined a little and laid down. as i got closer her tail began to move... she sat up and looked at him... she looked happy, but kept her distance.

this brought joy to my heart. my dog likes my son.

a few days later i took him outside again. she acted the same. she cried when he would make a noise. she would jump up and down when i would walk away from her.

i don't have to worry about her ever trying to eat my baby!

the picture perfect family (i can see the brady bunch dancing in my head..."you got to keep on keep on moving...gotta keep on keep on grooving").

all seemed well with the world.

each day i would greet my dog and she would say hi back (normally a nose to the crotch, but that is how dogs say hi).

but tonight i realized it was all on act on her part. not saying she doesn't love japser, but i think she misses all of the attention (does she not see me trying?
does she not remember all of the times i made her eggs and would take her for long walks?).

she was walking with me to take the trash down the hill. she was jumping and i was talking to her. she would run circles around me and then jump up in front of me.
this was her normal thing to do, but i noticed something in her eyes.

she looked evil.

she looked dangerous.

she looked like she wanted to make sure that there wasn't another bundle of joy to enter her world.

before i had a chance to put the trash can down she jumped. just like matrix style, i saw it all happen in slow motion...

her two front paws moving towards me.

that evil grin on her face.

her two front paws met my two front baby making bank.


the wind left my body. pain took over. the trash can fell. i believe i whispered a curse word or two (sorry mom, but it really hurt).

as i tried to keep my dinner in my stomach i met wondergirl's eyes. she just stood there smiling. she knows she has cut the family tree short. her true colors had shown through.

as i walked back up the hill i watched her out of the corner of my eye. she was acting sweet, but i knew what she was thinking...

"no more babies."

little does she know... i agree...

at least right now.

let me get a few more hours of sleep and we will talk about a second one.

Monday, October 20, 2008

random memories

do you ever have a day where odd memories come back to you for no reason?
you walk into a room and you see a flash from your past that you thought you had forgotten about?

i have been doing this lately. i am not sure if it is due to the lack of sleep or the change in air pressure. what ever the case... it is odd.

the other day i was weed eating around my house and i remembered when my twin sister was holding me down and punching me in the face (she was bigger than me when we were kids)and i got mad and punched her back and broke her glasses. i remember the fear and dread. my mom was not happy when tammy came running in holding her broken glasses. i knew my mom would never notice my bloody nose. and she didn't. glasses were more expensive than the blood pouring out of me.

as i shook this image out of my head i cut a little frog's head off. poor little fellow didn't deserve it. his guts smacked against the side of the house. wondergirl jumped with excitement waiting to devour what was left over. i was just hoping his guts weren't on my clothes.


throughout the day i would remember things from my childhood. some of them good memories and others not so good.

when i was in 8th grade this jerk named steven gross made fun of me on the bus because i only had one armpit hair. it's not my fault that he was 18 years old and a freshman in high school! he would torment me daily.

i loved the day he was kicked off the bus. he had a habit of drinking pop on the bus and mr.chrisman (D-bag from hell) would not allow that. mr.chrisman pulled over and started yelling.

"i know you got a pop mr.gross."

"what the f- are you talking about? i don't have a pop!"

"we go through this everyday. i have had it with you." his redneck high pitched voice would yell.

"what are you going to do about it?" (i imagined mr.chrisman punching him in the face. this would be legal since steven was 18 and pretty much already a grown man).

the fight continued for a few more minutes... than steven was kicked off the bus.

i remember smiling as i watched that greasy haired punk walk off the bus. if i would have been braver i would have flipped him off, but instead i stared straight ahead knowing that he was watching me as the bus pulled away.

i like to think that today we could be friends, but i doubt i will ever cross his path again... unless he comes to court. which seems to happen a lot with me and my former bullies.

they aren't as tough as they used to be.

one who actually tried to pull a karate kid move on me cried in court when they took his license away. i felt sorry for him, but something inside laughed too.

most of my young life i was picked on by a lot of my peers. i was a dorky kid with bad hair and glasses. it wasn't until i sang "please don't go girl" (by new kids)that life started to change for me.

the girl's started to like me because i was able to carry a tune. i became heather comb's boyfriend right after that.

the guy's called me a fag and a lot of my friends made fun of me daily.

i am able to laugh about this now, but back then i really bothered me. i was always afraid of what was going to be said to me walking down the halls.

this story is still brought up often by people who know me well.

recently when new kids started touring again. i was sitting in court when i received a text from a friend i haven't talked to in forever.

"new kids are back together. are you going to join them?"

i was able to laugh. heck, i laugh about it often now.

a lot of the moments of my childhood that i once viewed as rough or hard... are amusing now. i can laugh. i don't hold a grudge against this morons who took pleasure in making fun of me. i just hope they don't point out my faults the next time i see them.

and if they do... i will smile and take it like i always do.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

oh lego's how i thought i knew thee

apathetic today

it could be due to the lack of sleep (riley seems to enjoy waking up at 2 a.m. and 5 a.m.).

maybe the change in the weather? it is starting to get cooler outside and i would rather stay in bed than get up and go to work. something about looking at inmates all day and dealing with people who talk down to you just doesn't seem like that much fun or pleasure.

it could be due to the fact i have not been taking my adderall. i know, i know... what if i start to gain weight because i am off of it, but that is a risk i am willing to take to make some people happy in my life... of course if i get over 180 i am going to get on that magic med again. i think i can handle my random and off the wall thoughts, but becoming overweight... not sure i can stomach that... ha.. stomach.

as i sit here in court writing this, i realize i am apathetic in a lot of my life. i don't care about politics. i don't like either man who has signed up for the job.
i don't care about disco... it is just plan scary.
i don't care about global warming... i don't live close to an iceberg.
i don't care about the stock market... i am too poor to even know what is going on.


i really don't care about this post...

apathy... such a beautiful thing.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

why do i love comics?

i am asked this question a lot. i guess people assume that if you love comics you must be large, live in your parents attic, dress up like star wars characters when a new movie is released, lust after wonder woman, wear superhero underwear, or support a batman tattoo.

yet, i am really a comic book nerd. i have over 2,000 comics, several t-shirts, action figures, and a good collection of comic book dvds... where does this love come from? what caused me to embrace the super heroic life?

as a young child i supported aquaman under roos and watch super friends daily. i remember as a young child laying on my papaw's bed watching batman kick the joker's butt and the wonder twins turn into retard animals and bodies of water.

this was always a huge treat to lay on papaw's bed and watch his television.

normally wrestling was the only thing allowed to be viewed on this square box, but for some reason he allowed this and actually welcomed it.

for 30 minutes i would sit and stare. then once it was over i would go imagine that i was one of those heroes.

as time would go on, i would occasionally buy a comic. normally a batman comic. i was drawn to the dynamic duo. batman was cool, but not as cool as robin.

robin was the young sidekick who could kick the biggest of bad guy's butt. he was always cracking jokes and rarely did he actually say "holy" anything like the 70's show would like you to believe.

my mother purchased me a robin t-shirt (not the shorts thankfully... i was a fat kid and i would fill those things out a little too well and not in the good way)and i would run around acting like i was helping batman stop crime in gotham city.

as i grew older i still kept a love for robin, but i rarely had any comics.

it wasn't until my papaw died that i really started getting into robin. on the way to his funeral my dad picked up a batman comic for me. it was his way of comfort and my way of escape.

as i flipped through the comic i noticed robin had a new costume and was a different character. no long dick grayson, but tim drake.

he was a lot darker and smarter than the first robin. he would use his head to stop crime and not his brute strength (which he didn't have.).

i feel in love with this robin. he was always trying to do the right thing and he actually got his own comic series in the early 90's because be became so popular.

monthly i would travel to richmond to the comic book store to keep up with him. comics had become my way to escape reality (the fact i was a bad student, my sister's cancer, and many insecure traits that i still carry). i would lock myself in my room and read comics for hours. i would draw comics, i would write comics, and i would even put them in my Bible to read during church.

now as an adult i am still spending 30 dollars a month on these books (i try to hide it from ang, but she always finds out) and i never miss an issue.

so i write all of this to say...

i am a comic book nerd. i was born this way. judge me. throw stones...but i am who i am. that is why i love comics.

Friday, October 10, 2008


my wife really wants to go see that new movie fireproof. every time i think about it i want to hide in a bomb shelter.

she thinks i am just being a jerk, but i really have a hard time with christian movies. it's not because they are christian movies, but it is because they are bad.

the acting reminds me of a high school play. the actors think they are doing such a great job because they remember their lines, but in reality they suck. they over act. they say cheesy lines. they get kiss stunt doubles.

so wrong on so many levels.

yet, knowing me i will end up going to see it with her. only because i love her and being a good husband is about sacrifice. i just really hope she forgets about it.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

welcome to our world

october 5th 2008 at 4:43 my life changed in a way that i was not prepared.
for months i tried to wrap my mind around the fact that soon i was going to be a father. some times i would feel the excitement, but mostly fear and dread.
i knew life was going to never be the same. that i was going to be responsible for a life. i was selfish. i didn't want to give up any of the freedoms that i had. i didn't want to be that person who never left home or did anything without their child.

i felt old.

i felt unprepared.

saturday i was having somewhat of a good day. i ended up mowing my yard (even though i thought that season had already passed). i did a few things around the house and i was all prepared to watch my cartoons for the night while ang went to the woolly worm queen pageant (sounds funny, but you can't help but love those weather telling worms).
before she left she had started leaking some stuff (before some woman gets on here and says it was her water... YOU ARE WRONG! it was not her water... so shut up before you start). she called her doctor and they told her if it kept up to just come on in and they would check her out. her mother talked her into going to the queen thing and so she did.

so while they were gone i prepared like a good boy scout (of course i was never a boy scout. i went to one meeting and found out they actually make you hike and sleep outside... needless to say i enjoyed my soft bed and fat body way too much).i loaded everything into the car. i packed some clothes and ate me a big bowl of fruity pebbles.

2 hours later she returned.

"time to go."

"but batman just started." i said joking... or was i?

her mother joined us on the little journey to the hospital an hour and 30 minutes away.

with each curve it sank in.

"i am going to be a dad soon."

"God are you sure you know what you are doing?"

"what if he is ugly? can i honestly think he is cute if i know he is ugly? cause i have seen ugly and i can't say that those people are cute."

we arrive at the hospital and everything seems to be going well... she is going to have the baby soon. i sit in the room with her and wait. i fall asleep. i wake up... i fall asleep again (now i know most people are wondering how i could sleep at a moment like this... it's easy. i can sleep anywhere and on anything. it's called being lazy!)
i woke up to a nurse.

"time to get up daddy!"

"daddy? first of all lady you are older than me and i am not wearing leather. second, don't call me that. i am not ready to be called daddy." i thought as i smiled and tried to look prepared.

"oh my gosh! is that blood?"

i should have never looked. i came close to passing out, but like the tough man that i am i fought through it... of course i had to sit down for a few minutes, but i was there beside of my lovely swollen wife as she pushed. i would lift her legs to help...trying to avoid looking at what was going on DOWN BELOW.

but something was wrong with the baby. his heart rate kept dropping and he wasn't coming out. was i going to lose him? was he ok? was angie ok (these thoughts were not in my mind until after the baby was born. for some reason i had no clue there was any danger, but angie and her mom knew and i stood there like a retard wondering why everyone was so nervous and uptight.
normally i am overly observant, but i wasn't that night. God's grace...)?

an hour later jasper was born. his cord looked like spirals and cheese noodles. it was gross... i cut it. i didn't pass out, but it was gross...

i went with the nurse to clean him off. he was screaming. i looked down at this purple mess and just talked to him.

"hi jasper... it's daddy."

he stopped crying.

"he knows your voice." the nurse pointed out.

i felt myself get choked up, but i fought it. this kid is ruining my life. how can i have fun with him tagging a long?

they moved us into a room and visitors came in and out all day long. i would hold him for awhile and someone would take him. i was starting to find myself getting attached to him.

it wasn't until they took him away for the night that i realized how much i loved that little guy.

they took him from my arms and i started to cry. not just a few tears, but a fountain.. the kind where you lips shakes when you cry.

"why am i crying?"

then i realized. i love him. i love him more than i love myself. more than i love my selfish dreams and life.

welcome to our world japser (riley thomas). there are going to be things that scare you and hurt you, but daddy will try his hardest to protect you. you also haven't ruined my life. you have made me happy and complete. thank you for proving me wrong. daddy is always going to love you... even when you break one of my action figures, i will still love you, but you better find some crazy glue!

(i know this blog is all over the place and long, but i am going on little sleep. get over it!)

Friday, October 03, 2008

these mountains

there are some days i hate the mountains that surround me. i look at them and think "why do you keep me trapped?", but they never give me a response. so i just sigh and keep on living this life praying for an escape.

i woke up a little late and really wasn't in a hurry to go to work. i walked outside in my shorts and the cold hits me hard. my dog was happy to greet me as always. she sticks her nose right in my crotch to tell me good morning then runs along to do her business.

mr.griffen waves at me as he shakes his head at me... he must be disappointed that i actually have shorts on (some mornings i am only in my underwear).

the sun is slowly coming up over the mountains and it is beautiful, but still i long to see the sun on a city skyline in the early morning while i am waking up with the rest of the world.

i leave that vision laying in the front yard with the rest of the dying things.

i get dressed and take a quick drink of water and out the door i go. my car is warm and inviting. i light a clove and listen to death cab for cutie. the songs words don't sink in. i am driving too fast for these little country roads, but i don't care.

all of the sudden the sun hits me full force. my eyes hurt from the light, but then i notice the mountains. the fog is high and they are gorgeous.

"ask me the question you always ask me."

"why do you have me trapped?"

"you are not trapped. i am keeping you safe."

as i hear these words the singer says "love is watching someone die". i don't know what to think of this. do i have a weird view of freedom? am i being kept safe by these mountains?

i find myself at work. so as i step out on to the empty parking lot i sigh. not a sigh of sadness or feeling trapped, but a sigh of be okay with where i am at.

but that is today.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

huge mistake

i have never enjoyed shaving. i remember the first time i shaved in 8th grade (i really didn't need to, but i was told that if you shave you will start to grow hair and i did... in the form of a redneck mustache), i cut the top part of my lip really bad and i couldn't believe how much blood gushed from that small cut. when my mom asked me what happened i told her a lie.
" i was clipping my nails and somehow the fingernail clippers flipped out of my hands and cut me." i was sure this was going to work. it was a perfect lie and i had been known to hurt myself with those dang clippers in the past.
"ahhhh... well, be careful the next time you clip your nails and please remember to clean the shaving cream out of the sink."
"what? that must have been tammy... she is really getting a hairy upper lip."

as the years went by i started shaving everyday and every time i would cut my chin or my neck. toilet paper never stuck well to my face and i seemed to be a free bleeder.

it is also annoying to shave every morning. nothing wakes you up like a good shave with a dull razor!

once i used me sister's razor. it was the smoothest my face had ever been. but don't tell her i did that.

about 3 years ago i realized that i should go for the 5 o'clock shadow look. it was easy and i just had to use clippers to keep it trimmed nice and short, but on rare retarded moments i would go for a clean shave. i would think too myself-

"maybe i will look younger?"

"maybe i won't cut the side of my face off this time?"

yet every time i was wrong. i would be bleeding all over the place and realizing i have a round head like a snowman.

one would think i would learn over the years to stop shaving, but for some unknown reason i shaved my face monday night. i only cut myself in three places. i still look like a snowman and dang, i have all of these bumps all over my face... and to top it off... my face itches now too.

so no more shaving! do you hear me? no more.... this must end now. who cares if i look older? who cares if my wife can't stand my beard when we kiss? who cares if tiny pieces of toilet paper get stuck in it when i blow my nose? ok... i do care about that one.

i just can't stand the itching...... and putting aftershave on doesn't just burn... it makes the bumps redder.

being a man

i am not one to ever boast of being a manly man.
i have never killed an animal with a gun, knife, or bare hands... i have ran over a few though.
i am not into fishing or sports.
i can't throw a football very well, but i can play baseball. i do have that going for me.
yet even though i don't have all of these manly traits i do try to keep up a manly vibe about myself. i own two guns, several knives (not including my kitchen knives either), i have a bow and a few arrows, big belt buckles, and a lawn mower.
so to the untrained eye, i am a manly man, unless they were with me in the car the other day.
i was driving along, listening to really manly music, loving the cool weather and feeling the breeze on my bald head. i was looking for great spots to kill me some deer and a few wild turkeys when out of no where this beast falls onto my arm. i didn't scream and i didn't wreck, but i did almost pee on myself. it was the biggest grand daddy long legs i had ever seen in my life. how in the heck did it get into my car.
i tried to throw it out, but i just ended up tearing off one of his legs. it started to crawl away from me and i was unable to catch it while driving (i may text while driving, change cds, pick my nose, read, and talk on my cell phone, but i do not catch bugs while driving..that is just stupid).
i watched him the whole way home. he sat on the passenger seat. i wanted him dead, but yet i felt sorry for him as i watch the leg i pulled off move on my lap. so when i returned home i set him free... he was crawling so fast... i imagined him being happy and singing "born free"... it was beautiful... then wonder-girl stepped on him and licked up his remains.
gosh, i love that dog.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

count down to baby

we have one week to go before jasper's due date. remind you, that he could come at any moment, but we are counting down just to give us an idea of when he could be here.
i have also started to get a little more nervous. it is going to be a huge change in my life and i am a very selfish person. so part of me wishes i had a little longer to wait.
i started writing a book for jasper "leave me on the front porch". a book that he is not going to be able to read until i die. it is a book about my family, past, and future plans. it will be a lot of honest conversations that i know i will not be brave enough to have with him face to face.
i have learned that father's don't always tell their sons everything about themselves. i am sure there is a good reason for that. maybe to protect the son from making the same bad choices. who knows, but when my son stands over my grave, i want him to know everything about his dad. it will be easy for me too... i won't have to answer any of his questions about why i did this or why i didn't do something else.
easy way out i guess...
so, i wait. i wait for him to come into my life and to teach me how to love more than just myself. how to sacrifice my desires to make sure he has everything he needs.
it should be fun and hard, but i hear that it is worth every lost freedom.

Friday, September 26, 2008

my wife is wonder woman!

most men will brag on their wives for carrying a baby. how beautiful they are. how strong. i just doubt most men have my wife. she is beautiful and strong (though sometimes a little over emotional with swollen feet), but she is also working over 8 hour days teaching evil students and an evil subject such as math. she also coaches a volleyball team and after that comes home and grades papers til 1 in the morning some nights.
she also has a job putting up with me. there are some days i give her pure hell. not meaning to, but i am a moody person once in awhile... i know what you are thinking.
"you? i don't believe that. you are one of the nicest, sweetest, caring, heroic men i know."
but you couldn't be more wrong.
i do clean the house for ang and i try to make her food, but i have a problem that is really bad. i enjoy picking on her. in my mind i see my jokes as funny and keeping the mood light. most days it works, but other days not so well.
last night while we were laying in our bed i was acting like her.
if you read my previous blog about the "drop dead sexy husband" you will catch this... if not, read the blog before you go on.
she was too tired to talk last night and just wanted to go to sleep... so i rolled over on my side and started to act like i was crying. she laughed thankfully, but what if she would have been in a bad mood? i would have been feeling guilty and i would have lost a few minutes of sleep due to that.

on a different note i thought of a sure fire way to help women who are breast feeding. i know that some of you worry about leaking through your bras and that can be very embarrassing and the bras are expensive. so it came to me while watching the office (love that show!). put a maxi pad in the cups of the bra. that solves everything and saves you money...
you can thank me later ladies....

Thursday, September 25, 2008

the end is near

with little rain and cooler weather comes the end of the mowing season! yay!!!
i was getting so sick of mowing my yard. granted i do get to think a lot and daydream the whole time, but com eon! who wants to walk up and down a hill for 3 hours? not this fat boy. no more avoiding dog turds. no more running over frogs (i really felt bad about killing them... i promise toadie. i didn't see you there. then i saw you all over my leg and porch. you were gross. i wanted to vomit. then cry). no more blowing grass out my nose.
also comes the my great love of opening the windows to let the cool air in. i just wish i had days off to lay in my bed and feel the breeze. i guess i could skip church and do that, but that would cause more problems. who would draw on the bulletins?
well, i am boring myself. i have nothing really fun to talk about. ang hasn't popped jasper out. my food hasn't caused me to run to the bathroom. my hair still hasn't stopped falling out. i haven't finished my book that i have been writing for jasper (leave me on the front porch).
so i guess i should get to bed. make room for the pillows...

sneaky wombat

last night i recieved an e-mail from a friend calling me a sneaky wombat with a picture of this wombat attached. it's face was so ugly, but funny. i nearly peed my pants laughing at it. it was a shock to my system. i was used to his odd e-mails and really random pictures of himself, but this was not what i was expecting.
later on that night he called and we talked for awhile. during the conversation he read me something that is working on. the passion and the pain that poured out of his mouth was moving.
never have i known someone to be so honest and open in their writings. it was refreshing, but also unsettling.
too many times as christians we work so hard to keep that good holy front up. we point out other's faults but rarely look at our own. yet as i listened to him i realized that God uses the broken, sinful, selfish, retarded, and cursed.
i wanted to post a little bit of what he had written, but i feel it would be more powerful for you to read the whole thing. so you have to wait for his book to come out.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

drop dead sexy husband hurts pillow

my poor pregnant wife has to put up with a lot.
she has to deal with evil students all day.
then go to volleyball practice and put up with an annoying asst. coach.
the last thing she needs is stress at home.
so me, being the good, wonderful, drop dead sexy husband that i am, tried to make her evening even better.
i cleaned the house (yes i cleaned and i am still a man).
i made hamburgers and fries for my lovely wife.
i did some laundry.
for some reason all of that faded away while laying in bed last night.
i had a really bad headache and i just wanted to sleep.
angie likes to talk while laying in bed.
so we talked.
i noticed something was on my shoulder and it wouldn't move. i knew it wasn't angie's arm... so i looked.. it was one of her many pillows that takes up the bed.
i moved quickly away from it... that was not wise. she took that somewhat personal. she ended up scooting far away from me. we kept talking and i thought she was joking when she moved far away.
we prayed and i rolled over to go to sleep.
"are you crying?"
"noooo." *sniff*
"what's wrong?"
*sniff, sniff* "just overwhelmed."
"over school and stuff?"
"yes." *SNIFF* (that was a lot of snot)
i hugged her and told it will be ok... and went to sleep.
after a few minutes of sleep i felt her get up.
"where are you going?"
"i can't sleep. i am going to go read."
"are you mad over the pillows?"
"no." she says laughing which causes me to feel like a retard.

this morning she still seemed overwhelmed. so i asked her again.
"is it because i moved away from your pillow?"

she went to work and so did i.
i got to wondering about her and i e-mailed to ask if she was doing any better and to tell her i was sorry that she was overwhelmed...
her response was---
"It's okay - the pillow was just the last straw:)"

what?! so i e-mailed her back (as a man you must always point out when you are right).
"i knew it was the pillows!!!"

so tonight i am going to make room for 40 pillows (she claims she is uncomfortable, but i don't need all of those pillows for my fat gut.. not saying she has a fat gut, but...never mind).

i lost my ability to whistle!

there are some songs that you can't help but whistle along to.
so i was driving down the road and i felt inspired to force air between my puckered lips.
so i licked my lips and tried again.
still nothing.
i thought maybe i wasn't forcing the air hard enough. i ended up spitting all over my windshield. what could be going on? why have i lost this gift of annoyance?
is it a sign that i am dying? have i had a stroke? or is this due to something far greater than one can comprehend?

Monday, September 22, 2008

my pee song failed

i had to pee and when i can hear a lot of people talking it is almost impossible for me to go.
so while i was standing in the men's room i could hear everyone talking...
i started to sing my song.
i started the song again.
the third time i started... i finally started to go.
i never thought my pee song would fail. i was wrong... how could i be so wrong!

monday funday

this morning started out a little rough... well, once i got to work.
we are having a jury trial and that always takes up my whole day and night.
i had to cancel a very important doctor's appointment.
i hadn't had a chance to get breakfast and i only had enough change to get a water and i hate drinking water.. it is so tasteless...

then i sat in the courtroom listening to reasons why some people were unable to sit on the jury.
i always get annoyed during this part in a trial. maybe i am very intolerant. who knows. i just hate it.

thankfully we took a lunch break and i was able to just go for a drive and relax a little. i always enjoy a good drive. it is even better when i can have the windows down. i love fall and the way things begin to die. it sounds odd, but it is true.
there is a beauty in death that a lot of times we over look. we just think about how much we are going to miss something, but we forget the beauty of it's life.

here soon i will take a hike to the "point" to look at the trees and take in the awesome view of the mountains.

but i had to return to court and so i sit once again in the courtroom. it isn't that bad now. once i got out of work for the short hour i felt better. i wasn't concerned with my missed appointment or the fact i may end up spending my evening in the courtroom...

oh wait... i just realized that jasper could come at any minute. i am happy about that, but nervous. what if i am in court? what will i do? i know the court can go on without me, but i like to think of myself as the glue that holds the commonwealth together.... HA!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

poleyester and cotton= sin

i have had a tattoo for awhile now and i am no longer concerned with people knowing (at first i was. i go to a small country church and a lot of them don't believe christians should have such things). so i was shocked this morning when a woman from my church asked me when i got it.
"you know the Bible says not to mark our bodies." she said politely, but trying to prove a point.
"yeah, and right after that it says not to wear clothing made from two different types of material. is that a polyester and cotton blend you are wear?" pointing to her lime green jacket.
she smiled and walked away...
score one for the pagan!
actually i am not a pagan. i have never been a fan of slaughtering animals to nature gods and dancing around nude... blood is just gross and the smell of dead animals makes me really sick.

Friday, September 19, 2008

wild nights

i get to clean tonight!
if i am lucky i can get angie to nair my back!
even better....she doesn't snore tonight!

still sitting here

it is almost time for me to leave work, but since i am in court i am unable to leave.
let me think about how i am going to spend my friday night.

go to the movies.
hang out with some friends.
go skydiving.
work around the house.
sit in court all night.
run for a political office.
dig a well in africa.
find a way to make my back hair grow on my head.

there are a lot of things i could do.
sadly, i am going to end up sitting in court all night or working around the house.
i have boring life while in beattyville.

my friday

i woke up a little late this morning.
all night long i had freaky dreams.
once i woke up singing. not ever sure what song i was singing, but i did wake up while in the middle of this song.
angie snored loudly all night. i am sure it is because she has a baby pushing on her insides, but dang.... she can snore.

i finally arrive at work and i realize that i am hungry and i don't want to sit in court all day. yet i cannot change that. it is my job.
so now i sit in the courtroom listening to lawyers and criminals talking and wanting their way.

what is this? a phone call while i am in court? who could it be?
it is my doomsayer friend (not really. our last conversation was about the stock market. i am used to him making me laugh, but this time he just talked like an adult) calling to answer a few of my questions. why he called during court? i do not know.

the case that started at 9:30 has being going for over an hour.
my mind is wondering around too much.
i am unable to focus.
oh gosh, i think i am really sleepy.
i have to stay awake.
i can do it.
what is this? a text? from whom?
i chuckle out loud in court.
james find odd ways to make me laugh and one way is him saying

"when i am in a hurry or feeling devil may care reckless i call blueberries 'BLOOBS'."

mind you this is just him being really funny and if you were to hear him you would laugh like a retard too... unless you are a retard and that isn't funny.

i go to lunch with josh.
i eat a sub like a good fat boy.
now i am back in court.
i really hope this goes fast.

i have been thinking a lot about popples.
you don't remember the popples?
i had a lot of them.
i was a cool kid.
a little girly.
but trust me... i was cool.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

counting down

less than 3 weeks to go until jasper is here.
angie still hasn't packed her bag for the trip to the hospital.
i still haven't hung the pictures in his room.
i still haven't figured out how to use the fancy car seat that the youth group got us.
i am still not a fan of the snot sucker.
even though i enjoy talking about poop i don't enjoy cleaning it up.

i still don't feel prepared to be a father. there are a lot of things i don't understand or even know how to do. i still haven't learned how to throw a football well. what do i do if he won't stop crying? my idea of giving him a small piece of a sleeping pill isn't i good idea...or so i was told.

angie seems to be slowly getting nervous about his birth(i must say she does look mighty fine carrying that boy). each night she talks about how she can feel him moving more and more. this morning i saw him kicking through her shirt. most father's would have loved that sight... i honestly was freaked out by it. it makes me think of that movie aliens... just waiting for him to pop out of her stomach and run away to the huge queen alien.

i also haven't decided if i am going to watch him being born. i am going to be in the room, but do i really want to see all of that. blood, fetal sacks, blood.... i am sure i will faint if i do witness that.

i am also trying to explain to angie that child birth isn't as bad as everyone makes it sound. women just like the attention.
"oh, it hurt sooo bad.... i felt like i was pushing out a mini cooper."
"come on lady! i have had a tear in my butt hole for almost a year... you don't seem me complaining!"
"it's the world's worst pain, but i would do it all over again."
"what? have you ever been stung by a wasp (or wasper)? that hurts like a beast! you don't see me wanting to go through that again."

so, i guess i say all of that to say... i am not ready for the change in life just yet, but i think i have no choice but to get ready or at least fake it. i am sure i can handle that.
i just can't wait to see him so i can learn to love him.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

my big booboo

yesterday while in court i was typing another one of my pointless blogs. i wasn't truly paying attention to what i was doing or what was going on around me.
i had thought i closed my blog out, but i actually hit print.
no big deal... right...
it printed out downstairs in the main office.
no big deal...
i didn't think so, but as i was returning from court i noticed a stack of papers on my desk. it was my blog.
the ladies passed it around at work.
now they know all of my little secrets.
thankfully they haven't figured out what cloves are.
i just tell them i am addicted to adding cloves to my food.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

why me?

i am stuck in court with the two most boring lawyers ever!!!
they seem to take their time explaining what they want and need. even the judge is annoyed with them.
so i feel like i am able to also be annoyed with them...
holy crap! shut up!


every time i go on a trip and hang out with some of my friends, i become depressed when i return home. i try to avoid that, but for some reason it always takes me over.
i have to explain to ang once again that it is hard for me to come back to this small town where i know everyone's problems and only have a few friends. it's a dying community and there really is nothing to revive it.
it takes me about a week to get over that. then i start to realize how much i have in this community. i have a good job, home, family, and a small group of teens that i really care about.
yet i want to live in a big city. i would love to be able to just walk out of my house and get whatever i want. i have to drive 45 minutes to just get some thing good to eat.
maybe someday we will move to a big city. who knows, but at the moment i am glad i live here. i have a lot of people to watch out for jasper and ang.

on a side note.
i am stuck in court and i have to pee! really bad. i am hoping we will take a lunch break soon.
i am bad for having to pee and i keep on drinking water. retarded i know, but i can't stop drink.

Monday, September 15, 2008


it seems like i am always waiting on something.
today i am sitting in the courtroom waiting for this trial to start. i have set here in silence for the past 30 minutes waiting for the judge to step out of his chambers and tell us that the parties have come to an agreement. then i will return to my desk downstairs and start preparing for tomorrow's court.
that is normally how it goes, but i am sure i will be proven wrong today.
not much else has really been going on. we are getting ready for the birth of jasper. i must admit i am nervous and somewhat hoping he holds on and she has to be induced. that way there will be no surprises.
i like things to go my way.
yesterday my father-in-law spoke on prayer in church. as much as i hate to admit this, i really enjoy hearing him speak. it was a good message. not too fundie and just enough to make me think about it for a day and maybe more.
prayer is an odd thing. a lot of times we think that if we pray we can change God's mind, but it is actually to change ours. so we can be prepared for the outcome.
i know in my life i have prayed for a lot of things i didn't get... which now i see is a good thing.
i am still holding out for that thick hair though. it would be nice to actually use the shampoo i have.

Friday, September 12, 2008

order in the court

since july i have had the honor of being a part of every court case and day that comes through lee county. i get to hear a lot of insane and amusing things.
some things make me sad though. i have discovered that my heart is too soft for this job some days. i see a child take the witness stand and it causes me to almost cry. i hear a woman talk about her husband beating her and i want to see him pay for what he has done, but that rarely happens.
it isn't the judge's fault. it is the way the system is set up. the law is an odd thing. it doesn't work as clear as it may seem. a lot of gray.
as i sit and write this pointless blog, i am listening to a couple argue over 4-wheelers and a washer and dryer. what causes people to become so distant? lack of love? lack of trust?
i am not sure. i just wonder how long it is going to take for this to affect me more. will i become cold to people's pains or will i just become so consumed by the gray in this life that i will just become gray myself?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

i need to edit my blog

or should i say censor it.
i found out this past weekend my wife's aunts have to check my blog and facebook before they will let there boys look at it. i kind of feel bad about that. i realize that i have freedom to say whatever i want, but that doesn't mean i should.
so from now on i am going to use "safe" terms for what i am talking about.
so never fear my young cousins.... this will be tv 14....

Friday, September 05, 2008

giving up

i am giving up cloves....
very hard thing to do...
i have a long drive ahead of me, but i know i can do it..
i can, right?
you believe in me?

(you would be an idiot to put your faith and trust into any human being... especially me. i am will fail you over and over again. just read the comments from cj... i must have failed him big time. maybe it was when i wouldn't handle snakes and drink poison?).

Thursday, September 04, 2008

i finally have my drugs

i have gone 10 days without my adderall... it has been horrible.
not only have i not been able to pay attention in court, i have not been able to carry out a normal conversation. i had forgotten what it was like when my mind is unable to focus on one thing for too long.
i would sit at my desk and try to work on 4 things at once and that is never safe. for example: i was working on a contract case last week. i had finished it in record time.
today i received a returned letter from that case. i always have to enter in the returned letter. i typed in the case number. "citation not found" what the heck? i know i worked on this case. i recognize the name. i pull the file and everything looks like it has been done properly. yet the computer is telling me it is not in.
therefore i deduced that i had not entered it into the ky courts system. this was perfect. not only did i realize i had made a huge mistake... my boss will no when the reports are sent out. i also don't think confessing to not having my adderall will help either.
"ummm, emma.. i am not able to function without my ignore all of the mistakes i made in the two weeks i was out of my wonder drug."
"wonder drug? i didn't know you took meds? what are they for?" she asks with a raised brow.
"well, i have adhd, but not really (i always have a hard time admitting my mental problems). it just helps me focus and keeps the weight down. it is actually a beautiful thing. i can go all day without eating and i am able to work without losing my focus when a smelly redneck man asks me to see if he is supposed to be in court."
"so, how long have you been taking this drug?"
"since i started working here."
"ah. should i be worried about this? will you end up going crazy and hurt some convict if you run out?"
"oh no, i am not violent when i am off the adderall... i am a little moody and i space out a lot, but no violence."
"good. could you please return this to QVC for me?"
maybe it wouldn't be so bad to tell her that i am on it. maybe she would ease my work load. i could do less and surf the net more. who knows.

it is getting closer to the birth of jasper. i am getting excited and we almost have his room completed.
i will have to admit at first i was a little nervous and not so excited about the little guy. i like to imagine that i live a life of travel and hang out with a lot of people on the weekend. i didn't want anything to keep me from living how i want to live. yet, the more i prepare for his birth the more i can't wait.
i just hope he likes batman and robin... if not... he is going to hate his room.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

let's forget about the past

i am going to try and move beyond the previous post. it will be hard, but i will find a way.
so let me just tell you a story.
once upon a time there was a guy who was reaching for a comic book... he didn't realize that his ipod was on top of the comic he was desiring.
the ipod landed in the toilet.
the man reached in without hesitation and tried to save it.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

a letter of love

i received this e-mail. i was told i should share it and call the person out. i just wish i knew who you were... then i would buy you a steak dinner and kill you with kindness and a steak knife. kidding!!! i would never take you out for a steak dinner. maybe to the purple cow or something.
i really don't understand where you get off saying these things and i did edit your e-mail. i don't like you making fun of my friends. that is my job.
so please step down off your high horse and realize that i am only human and yes i do say a lot of stupid things, but it's a free world.. therefore i am able to say stupid things.

I read about you in Matthew Turner's book Hokey Pokey. I must say I was impressed with your faith, but then I was directed towards your blog and found that you are nothing more than a fake. You cling to the ideas of a free thinking world, but in a "Christian" way. That is impossible to do. You clam to love God, but you seem to love yourself more. You talk about things that no one should even speak.
You are shallow and a fake. The Bible warns us about people like you. Tickle our ears Tommy. Tickle our ears.
I just pray that God saves your soul and the ones you are taking down with you. I feel for your unborn child and wife. Though I am sure you love them with all of your heart, but I know your son will never hear about the true God as long as you follow this path.

Friday, August 22, 2008

so far behind

i turned 30 and i fall behind on work, blogging, and sleep.

Friday, August 15, 2008

nose hair

i plucked and i cried...
i use scissors and i cut my nose.
i let them grow, they tickle me...
i used nair... it burns!!!
what is a man to do?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

trying to figure out who god is

of course as a christian i am always wondering about things that deal with God. like why me? and why am i going bald, but my back is covered in hair?
but the god i am trying to figure out is the one who left the comment on my blog on focus on the family.
i thought i knew who it was, but i was wrong. i aksed a couple of my friends and none of them would own up to the comment. it's not that i am mad... i found some of it somewhat funny... i just want to know who.
cause we all know that it isn't the real God... he would never accuse me of drinking or smoking...

Monday, August 11, 2008

bonding moment

angie and i have been friends for most of our lives. we grew up in the same church and worked at the same camp every summer. i think that is why we make such a good team as husband and wife. we were friends before we were a couple. we knew each other's strengths and weaknesses before we ever decided to get married (well, most of them).
i didn't think a lot would surprise me in our marriage, but i was wrong.
she freaks over bills (something about a 30 dollar comic book bill is disturbing to her). she enjoys mac and cheese. she loves tacos and she rarely laughs at a PG-13 movie. she also hates cartoons...
so you could see where distance would come between us after a few years of marriage. i tried to give up cartoons and comics for her, but i was unable to do that for her. i felt like a failure.
how can we rekindle the love we once had for one another? the kind of love that knows no embarrassing moments?
i am sure wise men have searched for a way to solves this problem without counseling and spending a lot of money.
i am not a wise man, but i have discovered a way to bring the "magic" back..
today i have to go to the doctor or maybe i shouldn't call it a doctor, but i am getting a massage. i didn't want my hairy back showing.. so my lovely wife agreed to nair my back while watching the Olympics. it was beautiful.
the roar of the crowd.
the burn of the nair.
the smell of burning hair.
angie holding her breath.
it was awesome.
it was amazing....
i am the best husband in the world!

Friday, August 08, 2008

bored out of my mind

work has been so slow today. i am not sure why this is. i work in a place where there is always someone getting in trouble and having to come to us to pay their fine or find out when they have to be in court.

not today!

i have sat and watched the clock for the last hour. i believe i would rather be working on something. maybe even mowing my yard again (which i mowed the other day in the dark).

a friend told me about twitter. i joined. i think it is retarded, but also fills in the dead time. i am able to confess stupid stuff.. like how retarded i think people are.. my desire to tell people to shut up... my insecurities when it comes to being honest about the habits i have (i am not talking about alone time pervs!).
i have five minutes before i can leave. i hear a train.. good.. it won't be able to block the road i take home.

i look forward to the weekend. i look forward to relaxing. i look forward to hanging out with friends. i look forward to sleeping in.
no one ever told me that when you get older you sleep less. that is very unfair. i miss sleeping. i miss waking up at 12 and sleeping one more hour. i miss sitting in my underwear all day at the house watching people's court.

but if i were to do that .. i would miss the money i am making now...

well, it is almost time for me to leave. i hope you all have a good weekend... just avoid focus on the family!

focus on your own family!

last night i had the honor of spending a few hours listening to a bunch of people talk in circles. they tried to paint these images of hope driving the vehicle (what the heck does that mean? i know who hope is, but what is the vehicle and how can i avoid it's path of destruction)? they talked about churches working hand in hand (that will never happen. the churches around here think they are better than one another). they gave speeches of declare, share, and repair or something retarded like that.

don't get me wrong. i wish focus on the family could save this community and millions like it, but they can't. the problem(there are a lot more problems trust me.. like the fact they give really bad speeches, they twist scripture to justify them begging for could go on) with focus on the family is they only trust in the churches to help. not a bad idea if the churches actually were sane or able to see beyond their own views, but i know all too well that the pastors cannot get a long (i used run the score clock for a church league basketball outreach... boy do those preachers get nasty and use words my mom would wash my mouth out with soap for saying.. actually she never washed my mouth out, but she did my twin. it was funny).

i think the highlight of the night was watching josh. he has no facial expressions when sitting in a room full of people talking about retarded things. he doesn't even roll his eyes. i watch and wait for a bead of sweat, but nothing. i have told him often that i wish i could read his mind then i would know what he was thinking, but until then i will make up stories in my head of what he is thinking (he thinks about pink ponies way too much).

i guess i write all of this to say... and in the words of my friend james langteaux (who called right in the middle of the most important part of the speech... the sinners prayer!).."james dobson, focus on your own dang (avoiding soap in the mouth) family! then smile and say "have a bless-ed evening" (which i can't say what james told me that meant in southern talk).

in other news... i am starving. i haven't had breakfast yet, i have to go to court in a few minutes, and i have 3 paper cuts on my hand... it's going to be a wonderful day... it will be much better once i get to eat. i guess i could go get a twinkie...mmmmm...
also.. sorry if there are a lot of mistakes in this. i am just a retard most days...

Thursday, August 07, 2008

ninjas, soft toilet paper, and interns

kicks butt, cleans butt, kisses butt....

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

my diet is now screwed

i went to get me a drink at the offices vending machine.. i glanced over to the snack machine to see what the normal folk are eating.. then i saw it... a light from heaven opened up and the angels sang... twinkies! i love twinkies! only 80 cents!!! i bought a pack... 2 are in a pack... i am happy, but screwed!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

i am addicted

i am addicted to eclipse gum. i bought one of those big containers of gum... i can't stop chewing the gum. i tried to stop and i got the shakes. it gets my mind going, but i am sure it isn't a habit. i can stop anytime i want. don't judge me.. you drink pop i am sure. you eat fatty foods.. there's no difference.... back off. no i don't need to go to a class to help me stop chewing gum. you stop cursing. maybe you should go to a class for that. does my chewing gum offend you? your face offends me... shut up.. go away..

this is what it would sound like if i were addicted to eclipse gum, but i am not. i just need one more to get through the day.

Monday, August 04, 2008

sticky things and pulling out my hair

i have been trying to keep this hidden for the most part. i have never been a fan of showing too much weakness. i don't like when people ask me questions about my health and crap like that, but i guess i should just come out and say what i have on the side of my belt.
no... it isn't a pager. the 80's are gone... no matter what the today show says... i hated the 80's (well, not the cartoons).
no... i am not wired for the cops to hear about your past. even though that would be cool. i have always wanted to work for the law in that way, but then i would end up tied up in a dark room with my feet in a pan of water and electric shock things on my forehead.
it's a heart monitor like thing. it only records my heart when i go into one of my "episodes". i have to wear it for a month. the sticky things have pulled out a lot of the hair. so i just shaved my belly and chest.
i even have to wear it when i sleep. i find myself wanting to rip the things off in the middle of the night.
then to find clothes to wear to work where it doesn't show is impossible. so i am cutting a small whole in the pockets of my dress pants. i want to run the wire through there and put the monitor in my pocket. i am very smart like that.

in other news:
angie's back is killing her.
jasper's favorite song is by the flaming lips (yoshima battles the evil pink robots pt1).
i am getting a second tattoo.
james' love for my retarded conversations still grows stronger.
wondergirl thinks she is a duck (she has made some friends who happen to be ducks). has given me two huge got milk heroes posters.
angie's friends are coming in the weekend.
i have rediscovered my love for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
paul is moving back to lexington.
josh packs light.
rue burns easily.

that is all i can think of...

Thursday, July 31, 2008

i stole this from Jeof

i ventured to jeof's blog and saw this. i laughed and i thought "what the heck, i am going to copy this and put it on my blog".
so here it is.

A friend sent me this which I post due to the absence of meaningful content.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me. "

12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

And by the way, next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's ... not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

belly buttons

i really hope ang's belly button does not pop out. i think that is scarey. kind of like a turkey in an oven. it is finished when the red thing pops out.
that is cool on a turkey cause everyone loves turkey,
but it is not cool on a person.
true they are carrying life inside them, but the belly button needs to stay in. i am not sure i could share a bed with a person who's belly button is sticking out.

what if it touched me?

after coffee mints

boy, those mints are strong. i put a couple in my mouth and my eyes start to water. tears streaming down my face as i sit at my desk and try to figure out how to enter a judge's order. i look on the box of mints for a warning.
there isn't one.
my eyes burn.
should i file a lawsuit?
i wipe my eyes and the mint "dust" on my fingers gets into my contacts.
oh sweet merciful luthor!
it burns.
i am now starting to sweat. i feel drops running down my forehead.
is this snot coming out of my nose?
what have these mints done to me?

i want to curse.
i want to go home and forget about work because of these stupid things.
i get up from my desk and walk back and forth.
i go blow my nose.
i wipe the sweat off my face...

i eat 4 more mints.

Monday, July 28, 2008

song stuck in my head

do you ever have a day when you get a song stuck in your head for no reason?
i am having that today.
i woke up early to start my day a little better than normal.
i prayed.
read a little.
took the dog for a walk.
then the thong song got stuck in my head while i was getting dress. i couldn't get it out. i still can't.
isn't that weird?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

inside my head

Thursday, July 24, 2008

slipping on a desk

short story. promise.
the county attorney stopped by the office to refresh his memory on some legal stuff. there was no problem with him doing this. he really doesn't need any of our help unless the book he needs is on the very top book shelf. that is where i come in. i have to stand up on a desk and reach for them (i am not very tall, but i am not a "little person" either).
i happily told him i would retrieve the book of his choice (today has been a really good day and my mood has been kind of hyper). i walked into the back office and jumped on to the desk. once my feet hit the desk i slid. thankfully i was able to catch myself before i damaged myself or the bookshelf. someone had taken furniture polish to the desk!
as i stood there making sure i was ok, i turned to notice if anyone had seen my display of idiotic talents. thankfully no one was there, but i could feel the red on my face and the worry of falling off of that desk.
it's still a good day.. i just won't be jumping on desks anymore...