Sunday, January 28, 2007

my brother in bed with satan

how many of you are sick of the gas wars? do you find yourself cursing at w.bush? i once was like you. i hated to pull up to the pump and see the price once again jumping up and down like the fat man's belly running down the road. yet i have discovered it is not w's fault. nor is it the middle east's evil ways. WHAT?! yes, i have found the men and some women behind this great injustice to our nation. they are the ones who take your money at the local shell station. "oh please you must jest tommy". no my dear friend i do not jest.
back in 2006 my dear brother in-law pawl began working for this "family" based business. he slowly worked his way up the the ladder of slicks and pricks. he had made friends with such people called hollywood. he was living the good life. fast cars and women (well, not women...he seems to strike out in that area). sure he has to wear a red shirt with yellow trim on the collar, but trust me when i say... he is the one who controls the price of gas. it breaks my heart to tell the families shame. i just can't take it anymore. he was once a beautiful soul. he was my friend who had a hard time saying truck as a kid (he would say the f word instead.. it was so funny. we would always get him to do it on the bus on the way home from school). he was the one who taught me how to express my love through the music of bar chords.
i miss you pawl. please leave this evil company that controls the flow of gas. the power is not worth it.. ask sadam... sure you have power and the cream of the crop for co-workers, but it's not worth it. hollywood hasn't even been to dollywood..

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Mrs.PacMan and Pawl

many months ago i received the high score at the pizza hut in richmond. "high score in what?" you may ask. it was the classic game called mrs.pacman. i sweat away as my two brother in-laws (pawl and danny) watched and took photos of the monumental moment. cheers went up as i cleared each stage. first they meet. then the chase. then the baby. etc (not THAT etc john). it was a night i would not soon forget.

tonight after coming in a sad third in bowling- i returned to that same pizza hut on this cold night. walking past the famed game, pawl points out no one has beat my score. without thought i pulled a quarter from my wallet (yes i said my wallet. i hate change in my pocket. it gets in the way of my chap stick). the music feels the air as people rush back and forth to the restroom. pawl watches. he sees the flow of my hand over the joy stick. he calls out the fruits to aid me in the quest for the highest score. yet, my wife without thinking asks what i want to drink and i die.. yes i die. i blame her. so does pawl. she should have known i wanted a diet...look at this body.. what does it need?

tonight i was reminded of my secret lover... mrs.pacman.. so watch out pacman.. your yellow round woman will be mine.. (you will notice to the right my number one foe).

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Sweat on the gym seat

i have started working out more. trying to get this old body into shape. i am not going for perfect or cut. just a firmer body. maybe a few more veins ya know.. just a little to make you feel good about yourself. along this journey i have discovered two things.
1. the new diet may cause gas.
i have been eatting a lot of vegs. sounds healthy and good for a man my age. yet it really hurts my wife. when i have to run out of the bedroom to just fart in the hallway and she screams...."stay out there until it is gone!"
2. sitting at the gym.
after a nice long run and a strong workout it is not smart to sit down. you see when you workout your body begins to sweat. you can not only sweat under your arms or your brow, but your butt can sweat too. i knew this deep down, but i never thought it would happen to me. i sat down to talk to some other fellow hard bodies. when i stood up to go to my next workout i looked down and there it was ... the huge sweat marks from my butt... they both looked down at it.
(oh and the fellow hard bodies comment... yeah... that is a lie. they are fat.)

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

what to do


Monday, January 22, 2007

when the music fades

what does that mean? when the music fades? does that mean when it stops? when it dies? when someone at the soundboard slowly turns it down? i have just never understood that saying. have you ever had a saying like that in your head and never understood it? what are they? do they really matter? i don't believe when i get to heaven i will ask God what that saying means, but i do believe the music will never fade. and if it does something better will replace it. maybe like sweat pants being a cool thing to wear. i miss sweat pants. i mean, they don't really make you look that good, but they are comfortable. they also soak up sweat. so if you are fat that is a good thing. or maybe it will be shaving your name in the back of your head. yeah.. that would be cool. my mom never let me do that when i was younger. she said it was too redneck, but if you ask me. it was cool.. so yeah.. i am going to shave my name in the back of my head.
well.... i guess that is all i have. what do you have? anything?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

rock the mullet

i discovered an old pic. it is one of a lovely person. one who believed in tinted glasses and the mullet. sure he was a little on the heavey side. he loved jelly sandwiches and playing with action figures on the back of the toilet while pooping. in this pic we also see him sporting his baseball uniform. he didn't really care for sports, but he played anyway. he wasn't really that bad though. he was known to hit a few people home, but never really made it home himself. running caused him to sweat. he didn't like to do that. he played the most important position (left field). but sadly he left the giants to stay home and watch saturday cartoons. when he asked the coach if he could play in the shade, he was laughed at. sad but true.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Hair and Bald spots

i have this annoying habit. no.. i don't bite my nails. that is just sick. no... i don't scracth my butt and smell it. that is just funny. i cut my hair myself sometimes. true... i am going bald and i believe when you are going thin you should keep it short, but i still like to look nice. well... yesterday i looked in the mirror and thought.. " my hair needs to be shorter." so i took out the almighty clippers and began to cut and cut. normally i use #4, but no i used #2! what the heck! i used NUMBER 2...2...2??? so yeah.. i screwed my balding head up. i tried to do a fade and yeah... it didn't work out as well as my mind had painted it. i woke up early (10) this morning to get my hair fixed by a man named poodle. i asked him to just fix the sides and back. a simple task. while he was working on my hair i listened to the 2 old men who seem to always be there, but never get their hair cut. they were talking about the weather. About money. About the new leadership in the town. then the old man looked at me. his wrinkled toothless face smiled. he asked when was the last time i got any? got any? i asked. you know, rode the little lady? i was taken back by this man who could be my grandpa asking me when was the last time i had sex. i just smiled and laughed... praying and hoping poodle would hurry... while i dodged this man's question i noticed poodle was running the clippers over my head. i figured i must have missed a hair or two... he turned me around to look in the mirror and there it was... me looking like a state cop. my round face with the huge ears sticking out of my head. my father would have asked me if i were preparing to take flight with those ears... i paid the man and walked out quickly to my car. "it would grow back... right?" we shall see, but i had no hair.

i am sure you are looking at this and thinking it is a pointless story. you are correct. i read some of my former posts and i was sick to my stomach at my "teenaged" entries. i am going to focus on the lighter side of life. God will still be a huge part of my blog, but i want to focus on the moments that he allows me to laugh and learn. sad moments will come and i am sure i will write on those, but let's please laugh.

seems like i would have learned my lessons the last time cutting hair on my body. speaking of which... my nipple hairs have gone a little wild. (i even added a pic of the bad cut)

Thursday, January 18, 2007

razors and the burn

i admit, it has been many months since my last blog. i find it hard to write my thoughts and feelings out for the world to read. well.. i guess not the world. not many people know about this and i am not someone that everyone wants to know about.
so what has been going on you ask.. well, i have recently left the mission (YAY!). i am searching for a job and i shaved my butt... what? yeah i shaved my butt. i was looking in the mirror and i noticed that dark brown hair over my crack. without thinking i took out my razor and covered the top part of my butt with lotion and began to shave. we all know once you start you can't stop. i kept shaving.
when my wife returned home i showed her. her words were " you shaved your butt, but left the back hair?" that never crossed my mind, but i am not really willing to shave my back after feeling the burn i believe i am not going to shave anything else on my body.. well i may shave my face...
so, yeah that is what is new in my life. how about you?