Thursday, July 31, 2008

i stole this from Jeof

i ventured to jeof's blog and saw this. i laughed and i thought "what the heck, i am going to copy this and put it on my blog".
so here it is.

A friend sent me this which I post due to the absence of meaningful content.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me. "

12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

And by the way, next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's ... not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

belly buttons

i really hope ang's belly button does not pop out. i think that is scarey. kind of like a turkey in an oven. it is finished when the red thing pops out.
that is cool on a turkey cause everyone loves turkey,
but it is not cool on a person.
true they are carrying life inside them, but the belly button needs to stay in. i am not sure i could share a bed with a person who's belly button is sticking out.

what if it touched me?

after coffee mints

boy, those mints are strong. i put a couple in my mouth and my eyes start to water. tears streaming down my face as i sit at my desk and try to figure out how to enter a judge's order. i look on the box of mints for a warning.
there isn't one.
my eyes burn.
should i file a lawsuit?
i wipe my eyes and the mint "dust" on my fingers gets into my contacts.
oh sweet merciful luthor!
it burns.
i am now starting to sweat. i feel drops running down my forehead.
is this snot coming out of my nose?
what have these mints done to me?

i want to curse.
i want to go home and forget about work because of these stupid things.
i get up from my desk and walk back and forth.
i go blow my nose.
i wipe the sweat off my face...

i eat 4 more mints.

Monday, July 28, 2008

song stuck in my head

do you ever have a day when you get a song stuck in your head for no reason?
i am having that today.
i woke up early to start my day a little better than normal.
i prayed.
read a little.
took the dog for a walk.
then the thong song got stuck in my head while i was getting dress. i couldn't get it out. i still can't.
isn't that weird?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

inside my head

Thursday, July 24, 2008

slipping on a desk

short story. promise.
the county attorney stopped by the office to refresh his memory on some legal stuff. there was no problem with him doing this. he really doesn't need any of our help unless the book he needs is on the very top book shelf. that is where i come in. i have to stand up on a desk and reach for them (i am not very tall, but i am not a "little person" either).
i happily told him i would retrieve the book of his choice (today has been a really good day and my mood has been kind of hyper). i walked into the back office and jumped on to the desk. once my feet hit the desk i slid. thankfully i was able to catch myself before i damaged myself or the bookshelf. someone had taken furniture polish to the desk!
as i stood there making sure i was ok, i turned to notice if anyone had seen my display of idiotic talents. thankfully no one was there, but i could feel the red on my face and the worry of falling off of that desk.
it's still a good day.. i just won't be jumping on desks anymore...


yesterday was an exciting day for this little country boy.
it started around 5:45 when my alarm went off.
i hit snooze.
then i finally decided to get out of bed at 6. i had to leave the house by 6:30. normally i have my alarm set for 6:15, but don't get out of bed til 7, but today was a different day. i had an appointment in lexington. a little visit with a little machine called an mri. i am sure most of you have heard of the contraption. it is a machine my brother in-law danny cannot enter (due to his arvd), my mother in-law fears it, and my wife must avoid it until after jasper is born.
so i drag my body to the shower and quickly clean myself and put on fresh clothes. i am in my car by 6:45. i am running late, but i can make up for it on the road. i can speed and road workers are not at their jobs until 8.
i make it to richmond in less than 45 minutes, but i still have a ways to go to lexington (about 30 more minutes to the hospital). i am tired and i need a pick me up. so i stop by starbucks and get me a coffee with 4 shots of espresso.
i am back on the road in a matter of minutes, but wait.. what is this? i finally hit the interstate and it starts to storm?!
imagine this with me. huge semi's doing 85. my little focus doing 85. pouring rain. lightening flashing. the rain gets harder. i slow down. the semi's do not. they pass me as my windshield wipers try to keep the water off my windshield. the storm gets worse. the cars around me slow down to 45. the semi's flash their lights. i grow a little nervous just waiting for a semi to hit me. finally i make it to my exit.
i arrive at st.joe's a little late. i have a hard time locating the room i am supposed to be waiting. i don't know my BMI (body mass index). why they ask this question, i do not know.
finally i end up in the mri. it is loud and i am having a hard time relaxing. on of the sequences makes my right pec jump with each noise. 45 minutes pass. i am finally out of that machine.
tammy (the tech) comes to me holding a disc with pictures of my brain. i smile. i finally have a picture of my brain.
as i find my way through the maze of the hospital i see my wife's doctor. the man who is going to deliver our baby. his smile freaks me out. i am not sure why. i just don't think a man should smile that much when he is always looking at women's private parts for work.
15 minutes later i find my car. i am in a hurry. i have to find some ear candles for josh and rue, then head to work.
i pull up to the gate.
a recorded voice tells me to pay 50 cents to exit.
no problem.
i open my wallet. i have no cash.
"please deposit 50 cents."
i begin to search for change (this one sentence caused a lot of baptist to shudder).
i am throwing stuff left and right. finally i find 5 dimes. i put them in the machine. it spits them back out. it takes quarters only!
so i park my car and quickly walk back to the hospital. i pass this large woman smoking and cursing at her child. i smile. she glares. i feel fear build in my stomach as i look at her. is she going to kill me? is she going eat me? is she going to smoke that in front of a no smoking sign?
i run to the coffee shop in the main entrance. i get my quarters. i run to my car. where did i park? 5 minutes of searching. i finally find my car.
"please deposit 50 cents".
i slip the coins in and leave.

i tell this long story to say... i have finished all of my work this morning. i had plenty of time to sit down and right out a long unimportant blog. it's nice to have days like this.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

countdown to becoming an old man

soon i will be 30. i will have to give up the things that i once loved.

relevant magazine (it is geared toward 20 somethings).
saying things like "bro" and "dude".
hanging out with kids from my youth group (it just comes off creepy).
reading comic books in public (this should become a closet sport).
watching anything on mtv (since i am becoming more mature i should view that channel as filth, but secretly watch it).
take up more mature reading materials (step away from the christian self help books and start reading autobiographies).
take all song lyrics off facebook, myspace, and e-mails.
fix relationships that i once ignored (ummm.. maybe not. there are a few people from southland i would like to forget and a handful that are not related to my fundi past that would be better off forgotten).
stop telling fart jokes.
stop talking about poop.
stop laughing at perverted middle school jokes.
learn to keep thoughts to myself even when i know they are going to make everyone around me laugh.
refrain from making fun of people (this will be hard. a lot of my friendships are built around making fun of people).
i must give up cartoons!!! which will be easier since the avatar was cancelled.

this is just a small list of things that a 30 something should avoid. i am sure as i mature i will discover a larger list.

Monday, July 21, 2008

realizing i am old

this past weekend i went to the movies with a few of my younger friends.
what started out as a short drive turned into an all night "adventure" (only word i could think of that wouldn't be offensive to them).
the dark knight was sold out until 10:50. so we went to barnes and noble and hung out for 2 hours. this didn't bother me. i love books and gosh darnit they love me too.
from there we went to best buy. this is a huge temptation for me. i love music and i was surrounded by good deals and some hot music that i thought i would need. yet i was strong and avoided purchasing the lovely noise.
from there we headed over to the theater. while the rest drove brad and i walked. we need to catch up. since he graduated i felt like i haven't talked to him in years. he has always been a good kid, but has a way of getting himself into trouble.
i finally find my place in the soft seat and was ready to see my hero kicking butt...
8 previews later i get to see the movie..
it was awesome. i couldn't believe how good it was. as a comic book nerd i only had a few complaints... i wanted to cry, clap, and scream. it was beautiful. thankfully you can't tell that it is heath playing the joker... so the movies can go on.
as we are exiting the theater i hear my good friend the beast suggest getting something to eat.
it is 1 a.m.!
they are closed.
taco bell?
that food makes me sick.
the waffle house!
dear God i am never going to get home.
we sit.
we eat.
we laugh at the drunk man.
we finally leave to go home.
after a long drive and listening to the worst music ever placed on this earth, i arrive at my car. it is 3:50 a.m. ...
i drive as quickly as i can to get home.
i lay down at 4:04.
8 a.m. i recieve a text.
i ignore it.
10 a.m. a friend calls.
i refuse it (won't be the first or the last time).
i lay in bed until 1. i realize i am getting old and i need my sleep.
i take a deep breath and slowly get out of bed. my body hurts. my mind is slow. i am old. i am old and sore. i am my father.

Friday, July 18, 2008

the dark knight

oh my gosh, i think i am going to wet my pants....

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

wow... DEAR GOD!

Dear God,
Thank you for bearing me to a broken family. Thank you God for birthing me to an abusive father. Thank you God for infilitrating my culture and raping any sort of history and tradition that my family’s race had and leaving us sublimated to the power of the elite. Thank you God for allowing me channels of ill-supposed-truth to open my eyes to the untruth that is taught in the belief of you. Thank you God for the anomaly that is New York City and how it opened not only my eyes but my inner-man to the depths of what humanity is.
Thank you God of ridding me of God.
Remoy Philip, New York/USA

when a woman can't get her guns back

today in court i witnessed something odd... sure i witness a lot of odd things in court, but this one i doubt i will be able to forget.
the elderly woman stood before the judge requesting her guns be returned to her. when the judge brought up the fact that her husband is convicted felon she started to cry. when the judge also pointed out that she has had several run-in's with the law, she started to sway... not in words, but in body. she laid her head down and before i knew it.. she was on the floor.
the judge stood up and called a recess.
the woman didn't get the guns.
i got to take an early lunch.
the woman walked out of the court without help.

Monday, July 14, 2008

the office is no more

if you have ever been to my house you would have seen my office/guestroom... what many call the "batman" room. it was covered in a lot of my comic book stuff, had some really good books on a desk, and was very dark (you could sleep all day in there). it was my hiding place. it was my own room. it was my favorite place in the whole house.
this is hard to say...
yesterday i had to empty all of my stuff out of my room. i took down my batman curtains, all of my pictures, boxed up all of my books, cds, and a few action figures (toys to you laymen). i have to make room for my son, jasper. it was hard and sad, but at the same time it was kind of exciting. soon i will have a little baby boy. a son who will carry on his father's love for people in spandex. at least he better.
my wife hopes he loves sports. i hate sports. i hope he hates math. she loves math. we will see who wins. i think it is me hands down. who grows up loving math? well, besides my wife?

on a different subject: i burned the hair off of my right hand. it seems like i would learn to stop throwing lighter fluid onto fire, but those dang boxes would not burn without it or so i tell myself.

on another different subject: batman comes out this weekend!

yet another different subject: i think i forgot deodorant this morning. wait.. no.. i didn't. thank goodness.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

what i have discovered

peanut butter and jelly is not part of a well balanced diet.
reading a book with the f-word is not accepted by most churches.
just because you have lost weight doesn't mean you should wear a speedo.
doing image searches is not wise in court ( dennis looked up "poop").
i have funking shoulder hair.
some people are not meant to be funny (debbie downer is not a friend of mine).
it is hard to find music that paul likes.
a2's car has a small tank, but rides smooth.
when my friend's fast i think they are spiritual.
when my friend's curse while fasting i think it is funny, but so wrong.
when i try to fast, i last for an hour. i loves my twinkies.
crazy people aren't the only one's who hear voices.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

what the?

random madness... that is what i am calling my life.
i come in straight from vacation to a week of court. i am not complaining. ok.. maybe a little. i am just having a hard time focusing on the things i need to do.
1. i need to get to work on jasper's room.
2. i need to visit robert.
3. broke a promise to visit brad.
4. find a way to enjoy "ministry minded" things again.
5. mow my freak'n yard.
6. figure out if we want to have robbie seay back.
7. figure out what i am going to speak on at dustin's camp thursday night.
8. teach myself how to juggle.
9 shower.

in all honesty i am having a hard time focusing on anything at all. i have avoided phone calls, praying, sleeping, and once in awhile eating (not very often).
this goes to prove that adderall isn't a cure all (is that one word or two?).

i am hoping tonight i can visit robert and take care of some issues up at mountain mayhem. well, try to take care of them.

Monday, July 07, 2008


i am finally home from vacation, but i am also at work...
trust me though... i have some funny stories to tell...