Friday, September 26, 2008

my wife is wonder woman!

most men will brag on their wives for carrying a baby. how beautiful they are. how strong. i just doubt most men have my wife. she is beautiful and strong (though sometimes a little over emotional with swollen feet), but she is also working over 8 hour days teaching evil students and an evil subject such as math. she also coaches a volleyball team and after that comes home and grades papers til 1 in the morning some nights.
she also has a job putting up with me. there are some days i give her pure hell. not meaning to, but i am a moody person once in awhile... i know what you are thinking.
"you? i don't believe that. you are one of the nicest, sweetest, caring, heroic men i know."
but you couldn't be more wrong.
i do clean the house for ang and i try to make her food, but i have a problem that is really bad. i enjoy picking on her. in my mind i see my jokes as funny and keeping the mood light. most days it works, but other days not so well.
last night while we were laying in our bed i was acting like her.
if you read my previous blog about the "drop dead sexy husband" you will catch this... if not, read the blog before you go on.
she was too tired to talk last night and just wanted to go to sleep... so i rolled over on my side and started to act like i was crying. she laughed thankfully, but what if she would have been in a bad mood? i would have been feeling guilty and i would have lost a few minutes of sleep due to that.

on a different note i thought of a sure fire way to help women who are breast feeding. i know that some of you worry about leaking through your bras and that can be very embarrassing and the bras are expensive. so it came to me while watching the office (love that show!). put a maxi pad in the cups of the bra. that solves everything and saves you money...
you can thank me later ladies....

Thursday, September 25, 2008

the end is near

with little rain and cooler weather comes the end of the mowing season! yay!!!
i was getting so sick of mowing my yard. granted i do get to think a lot and daydream the whole time, but com eon! who wants to walk up and down a hill for 3 hours? not this fat boy. no more avoiding dog turds. no more running over frogs (i really felt bad about killing them... i promise toadie. i didn't see you there. then i saw you all over my leg and porch. you were gross. i wanted to vomit. then cry). no more blowing grass out my nose.
also comes the my great love of opening the windows to let the cool air in. i just wish i had days off to lay in my bed and feel the breeze. i guess i could skip church and do that, but that would cause more problems. who would draw on the bulletins?
well, i am boring myself. i have nothing really fun to talk about. ang hasn't popped jasper out. my food hasn't caused me to run to the bathroom. my hair still hasn't stopped falling out. i haven't finished my book that i have been writing for jasper (leave me on the front porch).
so i guess i should get to bed. make room for the pillows...

sneaky wombat

last night i recieved an e-mail from a friend calling me a sneaky wombat with a picture of this wombat attached. it's face was so ugly, but funny. i nearly peed my pants laughing at it. it was a shock to my system. i was used to his odd e-mails and really random pictures of himself, but this was not what i was expecting.
later on that night he called and we talked for awhile. during the conversation he read me something that is working on. the passion and the pain that poured out of his mouth was moving.
never have i known someone to be so honest and open in their writings. it was refreshing, but also unsettling.
too many times as christians we work so hard to keep that good holy front up. we point out other's faults but rarely look at our own. yet as i listened to him i realized that God uses the broken, sinful, selfish, retarded, and cursed.
i wanted to post a little bit of what he had written, but i feel it would be more powerful for you to read the whole thing. so you have to wait for his book to come out.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

drop dead sexy husband hurts pillow

my poor pregnant wife has to put up with a lot.
she has to deal with evil students all day.
then go to volleyball practice and put up with an annoying asst. coach.
the last thing she needs is stress at home.
so me, being the good, wonderful, drop dead sexy husband that i am, tried to make her evening even better.
i cleaned the house (yes i cleaned and i am still a man).
i made hamburgers and fries for my lovely wife.
i did some laundry.
for some reason all of that faded away while laying in bed last night.
i had a really bad headache and i just wanted to sleep.
angie likes to talk while laying in bed.
so we talked.
i noticed something was on my shoulder and it wouldn't move. i knew it wasn't angie's arm... so i looked.. it was one of her many pillows that takes up the bed.
i moved quickly away from it... that was not wise. she took that somewhat personal. she ended up scooting far away from me. we kept talking and i thought she was joking when she moved far away.
we prayed and i rolled over to go to sleep.
"are you crying?"
"noooo." *sniff*
"what's wrong?"
*sniff, sniff* "just overwhelmed."
"over school and stuff?"
"yes." *SNIFF* (that was a lot of snot)
i hugged her and told it will be ok... and went to sleep.
after a few minutes of sleep i felt her get up.
"where are you going?"
"i can't sleep. i am going to go read."
"are you mad over the pillows?"
"no." she says laughing which causes me to feel like a retard.

this morning she still seemed overwhelmed. so i asked her again.
"is it because i moved away from your pillow?"

she went to work and so did i.
i got to wondering about her and i e-mailed to ask if she was doing any better and to tell her i was sorry that she was overwhelmed...
her response was---
"It's okay - the pillow was just the last straw:)"

what?! so i e-mailed her back (as a man you must always point out when you are right).
"i knew it was the pillows!!!"

so tonight i am going to make room for 40 pillows (she claims she is uncomfortable, but i don't need all of those pillows for my fat gut.. not saying she has a fat gut, but...never mind).

i lost my ability to whistle!

there are some songs that you can't help but whistle along to.
so i was driving down the road and i felt inspired to force air between my puckered lips.
so i licked my lips and tried again.
still nothing.
i thought maybe i wasn't forcing the air hard enough. i ended up spitting all over my windshield. what could be going on? why have i lost this gift of annoyance?
is it a sign that i am dying? have i had a stroke? or is this due to something far greater than one can comprehend?

Monday, September 22, 2008

my pee song failed

i had to pee and when i can hear a lot of people talking it is almost impossible for me to go.
so while i was standing in the men's room i could hear everyone talking...
i started to sing my song.
i started the song again.
the third time i started... i finally started to go.
i never thought my pee song would fail. i was wrong... how could i be so wrong!

monday funday

this morning started out a little rough... well, once i got to work.
we are having a jury trial and that always takes up my whole day and night.
i had to cancel a very important doctor's appointment.
i hadn't had a chance to get breakfast and i only had enough change to get a water and i hate drinking water.. it is so tasteless...

then i sat in the courtroom listening to reasons why some people were unable to sit on the jury.
i always get annoyed during this part in a trial. maybe i am very intolerant. who knows. i just hate it.

thankfully we took a lunch break and i was able to just go for a drive and relax a little. i always enjoy a good drive. it is even better when i can have the windows down. i love fall and the way things begin to die. it sounds odd, but it is true.
there is a beauty in death that a lot of times we over look. we just think about how much we are going to miss something, but we forget the beauty of it's life.

here soon i will take a hike to the "point" to look at the trees and take in the awesome view of the mountains.

but i had to return to court and so i sit once again in the courtroom. it isn't that bad now. once i got out of work for the short hour i felt better. i wasn't concerned with my missed appointment or the fact i may end up spending my evening in the courtroom...

oh wait... i just realized that jasper could come at any minute. i am happy about that, but nervous. what if i am in court? what will i do? i know the court can go on without me, but i like to think of myself as the glue that holds the commonwealth together.... HA!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

poleyester and cotton= sin

i have had a tattoo for awhile now and i am no longer concerned with people knowing (at first i was. i go to a small country church and a lot of them don't believe christians should have such things). so i was shocked this morning when a woman from my church asked me when i got it.
"you know the Bible says not to mark our bodies." she said politely, but trying to prove a point.
"yeah, and right after that it says not to wear clothing made from two different types of material. is that a polyester and cotton blend you are wear?" pointing to her lime green jacket.
she smiled and walked away...
score one for the pagan!
actually i am not a pagan. i have never been a fan of slaughtering animals to nature gods and dancing around nude... blood is just gross and the smell of dead animals makes me really sick.

Friday, September 19, 2008

wild nights

i get to clean tonight!
if i am lucky i can get angie to nair my back!
even better....she doesn't snore tonight!

still sitting here

it is almost time for me to leave work, but since i am in court i am unable to leave.
let me think about how i am going to spend my friday night.

go to the movies.
hang out with some friends.
go skydiving.
work around the house.
sit in court all night.
run for a political office.
dig a well in africa.
find a way to make my back hair grow on my head.

there are a lot of things i could do.
sadly, i am going to end up sitting in court all night or working around the house.
i have boring life while in beattyville.

my friday

i woke up a little late this morning.
all night long i had freaky dreams.
once i woke up singing. not ever sure what song i was singing, but i did wake up while in the middle of this song.
angie snored loudly all night. i am sure it is because she has a baby pushing on her insides, but dang.... she can snore.

i finally arrive at work and i realize that i am hungry and i don't want to sit in court all day. yet i cannot change that. it is my job.
so now i sit in the courtroom listening to lawyers and criminals talking and wanting their way.

what is this? a phone call while i am in court? who could it be?
it is my doomsayer friend (not really. our last conversation was about the stock market. i am used to him making me laugh, but this time he just talked like an adult) calling to answer a few of my questions. why he called during court? i do not know.

the case that started at 9:30 has being going for over an hour.
my mind is wondering around too much.
i am unable to focus.
oh gosh, i think i am really sleepy.
i have to stay awake.
i can do it.
what is this? a text? from whom?
i chuckle out loud in court.
james find odd ways to make me laugh and one way is him saying

"when i am in a hurry or feeling devil may care reckless i call blueberries 'BLOOBS'."

mind you this is just him being really funny and if you were to hear him you would laugh like a retard too... unless you are a retard and that isn't funny.

i go to lunch with josh.
i eat a sub like a good fat boy.
now i am back in court.
i really hope this goes fast.

i have been thinking a lot about popples.
you don't remember the popples?
i had a lot of them.
i was a cool kid.
a little girly.
but trust me... i was cool.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

counting down

less than 3 weeks to go until jasper is here.
angie still hasn't packed her bag for the trip to the hospital.
i still haven't hung the pictures in his room.
i still haven't figured out how to use the fancy car seat that the youth group got us.
i am still not a fan of the snot sucker.
even though i enjoy talking about poop i don't enjoy cleaning it up.

i still don't feel prepared to be a father. there are a lot of things i don't understand or even know how to do. i still haven't learned how to throw a football well. what do i do if he won't stop crying? my idea of giving him a small piece of a sleeping pill isn't i good idea...or so i was told.

angie seems to be slowly getting nervous about his birth(i must say she does look mighty fine carrying that boy). each night she talks about how she can feel him moving more and more. this morning i saw him kicking through her shirt. most father's would have loved that sight... i honestly was freaked out by it. it makes me think of that movie aliens... just waiting for him to pop out of her stomach and run away to the huge queen alien.

i also haven't decided if i am going to watch him being born. i am going to be in the room, but do i really want to see all of that. blood, fetal sacks, blood.... i am sure i will faint if i do witness that.

i am also trying to explain to angie that child birth isn't as bad as everyone makes it sound. women just like the attention.
"oh, it hurt sooo bad.... i felt like i was pushing out a mini cooper."
"come on lady! i have had a tear in my butt hole for almost a year... you don't seem me complaining!"
"it's the world's worst pain, but i would do it all over again."
"what? have you ever been stung by a wasp (or wasper)? that hurts like a beast! you don't see me wanting to go through that again."

so, i guess i say all of that to say... i am not ready for the change in life just yet, but i think i have no choice but to get ready or at least fake it. i am sure i can handle that.
i just can't wait to see him so i can learn to love him.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

my big booboo

yesterday while in court i was typing another one of my pointless blogs. i wasn't truly paying attention to what i was doing or what was going on around me.
i had thought i closed my blog out, but i actually hit print.
no big deal... right...
it printed out downstairs in the main office.
no big deal...
i didn't think so, but as i was returning from court i noticed a stack of papers on my desk. it was my blog.
the ladies passed it around at work.
now they know all of my little secrets.
thankfully they haven't figured out what cloves are.
i just tell them i am addicted to adding cloves to my food.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

why me?

i am stuck in court with the two most boring lawyers ever!!!
they seem to take their time explaining what they want and need. even the judge is annoyed with them.
so i feel like i am able to also be annoyed with them...
holy crap! shut up!


every time i go on a trip and hang out with some of my friends, i become depressed when i return home. i try to avoid that, but for some reason it always takes me over.
i have to explain to ang once again that it is hard for me to come back to this small town where i know everyone's problems and only have a few friends. it's a dying community and there really is nothing to revive it.
it takes me about a week to get over that. then i start to realize how much i have in this community. i have a good job, home, family, and a small group of teens that i really care about.
yet i want to live in a big city. i would love to be able to just walk out of my house and get whatever i want. i have to drive 45 minutes to just get some thing good to eat.
maybe someday we will move to a big city. who knows, but at the moment i am glad i live here. i have a lot of people to watch out for jasper and ang.

on a side note.
i am stuck in court and i have to pee! really bad. i am hoping we will take a lunch break soon.
i am bad for having to pee and i keep on drinking water. retarded i know, but i can't stop drink.

Monday, September 15, 2008


it seems like i am always waiting on something.
today i am sitting in the courtroom waiting for this trial to start. i have set here in silence for the past 30 minutes waiting for the judge to step out of his chambers and tell us that the parties have come to an agreement. then i will return to my desk downstairs and start preparing for tomorrow's court.
that is normally how it goes, but i am sure i will be proven wrong today.
not much else has really been going on. we are getting ready for the birth of jasper. i must admit i am nervous and somewhat hoping he holds on and she has to be induced. that way there will be no surprises.
i like things to go my way.
yesterday my father-in-law spoke on prayer in church. as much as i hate to admit this, i really enjoy hearing him speak. it was a good message. not too fundie and just enough to make me think about it for a day and maybe more.
prayer is an odd thing. a lot of times we think that if we pray we can change God's mind, but it is actually to change ours. so we can be prepared for the outcome.
i know in my life i have prayed for a lot of things i didn't get... which now i see is a good thing.
i am still holding out for that thick hair though. it would be nice to actually use the shampoo i have.

Friday, September 12, 2008

order in the court

since july i have had the honor of being a part of every court case and day that comes through lee county. i get to hear a lot of insane and amusing things.
some things make me sad though. i have discovered that my heart is too soft for this job some days. i see a child take the witness stand and it causes me to almost cry. i hear a woman talk about her husband beating her and i want to see him pay for what he has done, but that rarely happens.
it isn't the judge's fault. it is the way the system is set up. the law is an odd thing. it doesn't work as clear as it may seem. a lot of gray.
as i sit and write this pointless blog, i am listening to a couple argue over 4-wheelers and a washer and dryer. what causes people to become so distant? lack of love? lack of trust?
i am not sure. i just wonder how long it is going to take for this to affect me more. will i become cold to people's pains or will i just become so consumed by the gray in this life that i will just become gray myself?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

i need to edit my blog

or should i say censor it.
i found out this past weekend my wife's aunts have to check my blog and facebook before they will let there boys look at it. i kind of feel bad about that. i realize that i have freedom to say whatever i want, but that doesn't mean i should.
so from now on i am going to use "safe" terms for what i am talking about.
so never fear my young cousins.... this will be tv 14....

Friday, September 05, 2008

giving up

i am giving up cloves....
very hard thing to do...
i have a long drive ahead of me, but i know i can do it..
i can, right?
you believe in me?

(you would be an idiot to put your faith and trust into any human being... especially me. i am will fail you over and over again. just read the comments from cj... i must have failed him big time. maybe it was when i wouldn't handle snakes and drink poison?).

Thursday, September 04, 2008

i finally have my drugs

i have gone 10 days without my adderall... it has been horrible.
not only have i not been able to pay attention in court, i have not been able to carry out a normal conversation. i had forgotten what it was like when my mind is unable to focus on one thing for too long.
i would sit at my desk and try to work on 4 things at once and that is never safe. for example: i was working on a contract case last week. i had finished it in record time.
today i received a returned letter from that case. i always have to enter in the returned letter. i typed in the case number. "citation not found" what the heck? i know i worked on this case. i recognize the name. i pull the file and everything looks like it has been done properly. yet the computer is telling me it is not in.
therefore i deduced that i had not entered it into the ky courts system. this was perfect. not only did i realize i had made a huge mistake... my boss will no when the reports are sent out. i also don't think confessing to not having my adderall will help either.
"ummm, emma.. i am not able to function without my ignore all of the mistakes i made in the two weeks i was out of my wonder drug."
"wonder drug? i didn't know you took meds? what are they for?" she asks with a raised brow.
"well, i have adhd, but not really (i always have a hard time admitting my mental problems). it just helps me focus and keeps the weight down. it is actually a beautiful thing. i can go all day without eating and i am able to work without losing my focus when a smelly redneck man asks me to see if he is supposed to be in court."
"so, how long have you been taking this drug?"
"since i started working here."
"ah. should i be worried about this? will you end up going crazy and hurt some convict if you run out?"
"oh no, i am not violent when i am off the adderall... i am a little moody and i space out a lot, but no violence."
"good. could you please return this to QVC for me?"
maybe it wouldn't be so bad to tell her that i am on it. maybe she would ease my work load. i could do less and surf the net more. who knows.

it is getting closer to the birth of jasper. i am getting excited and we almost have his room completed.
i will have to admit at first i was a little nervous and not so excited about the little guy. i like to imagine that i live a life of travel and hang out with a lot of people on the weekend. i didn't want anything to keep me from living how i want to live. yet, the more i prepare for his birth the more i can't wait.
i just hope he likes batman and robin... if not... he is going to hate his room.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

let's forget about the past

i am going to try and move beyond the previous post. it will be hard, but i will find a way.
so let me just tell you a story.
once upon a time there was a guy who was reaching for a comic book... he didn't realize that his ipod was on top of the comic he was desiring.
the ipod landed in the toilet.
the man reached in without hesitation and tried to save it.