Wednesday, October 08, 2008
october 5th 2008 at 4:43 my life changed in a way that i was not prepared.
for months i tried to wrap my mind around the fact that soon i was going to be a father. some times i would feel the excitement, but mostly fear and dread.
i knew life was going to never be the same. that i was going to be responsible for a life. i was selfish. i didn't want to give up any of the freedoms that i had. i didn't want to be that person who never left home or did anything without their child.
i felt old.
i felt unprepared.
saturday i was having somewhat of a good day. i ended up mowing my yard (even though i thought that season had already passed). i did a few things around the house and i was all prepared to watch my cartoons for the night while ang went to the woolly worm queen pageant (sounds funny, but you can't help but love those weather telling worms).
before she left she had started leaking some stuff (before some woman gets on here and says it was her water... YOU ARE WRONG! it was not her water... so shut up before you start). she called her doctor and they told her if it kept up to just come on in and they would check her out. her mother talked her into going to the queen thing and so she did.
so while they were gone i prepared like a good boy scout (of course i was never a boy scout. i went to one meeting and found out they actually make you hike and sleep outside... needless to say i enjoyed my soft bed and fat body way too much).i loaded everything into the car. i packed some clothes and ate me a big bowl of fruity pebbles.
2 hours later she returned.
"time to go."
"but batman just started." i said joking... or was i?
her mother joined us on the little journey to the hospital an hour and 30 minutes away.
with each curve it sank in.
"i am going to be a dad soon."
"God are you sure you know what you are doing?"
"what if he is ugly? can i honestly think he is cute if i know he is ugly? cause i have seen ugly and i can't say that those people are cute."
we arrive at the hospital and everything seems to be going well... she is going to have the baby soon. i sit in the room with her and wait. i fall asleep. i wake up... i fall asleep again (now i know most people are wondering how i could sleep at a moment like this... it's easy. i can sleep anywhere and on anything. it's called being lazy!)
i woke up to a nurse.
"time to get up daddy!"
"daddy? first of all lady you are older than me and i am not wearing leather. second, don't call me that. i am not ready to be called daddy." i thought as i smiled and tried to look prepared.
"oh my gosh! is that blood?"
i should have never looked. i came close to passing out, but like the tough man that i am i fought through it... of course i had to sit down for a few minutes, but i was there beside of my lovely swollen wife as she pushed. i would lift her legs to help...trying to avoid looking at what was going on DOWN BELOW.
but something was wrong with the baby. his heart rate kept dropping and he wasn't coming out. was i going to lose him? was he ok? was angie ok (these thoughts were not in my mind until after the baby was born. for some reason i had no clue there was any danger, but angie and her mom knew and i stood there like a retard wondering why everyone was so nervous and uptight.
normally i am overly observant, but i wasn't that night. God's grace...)?
an hour later jasper was born. his cord looked like spirals and cheese noodles. it was gross... i cut it. i didn't pass out, but it was gross...
i went with the nurse to clean him off. he was screaming. i looked down at this purple mess and just talked to him.
"hi jasper... it's daddy."
he stopped crying.
"he knows your voice." the nurse pointed out.
i felt myself get choked up, but i fought it. this kid is ruining my life. how can i have fun with him tagging a long?
they moved us into a room and visitors came in and out all day long. i would hold him for awhile and someone would take him. i was starting to find myself getting attached to him.
it wasn't until they took him away for the night that i realized how much i loved that little guy.
they took him from my arms and i started to cry. not just a few tears, but a fountain.. the kind where you lips shakes when you cry.
"why am i crying?"
then i realized. i love him. i love him more than i love myself. more than i love my selfish dreams and life.
welcome to our world japser (riley thomas). there are going to be things that scare you and hurt you, but daddy will try his hardest to protect you. you also haven't ruined my life. you have made me happy and complete. thank you for proving me wrong. daddy is always going to love you... even when you break one of my action figures, i will still love you, but you better find some crazy glue!
(i know this blog is all over the place and long, but i am going on little sleep. get over it!)
Posted by Tommy Hall at 10:16 PM