Friday, February 23, 2007

shadows of flancrest

small shadows of this man
a man who finds pleasure from his hand
not the way a teenager may
but from typing his words for play
he accuses the mass of telling the world
while driving through the town with a horse unfurled
he laughs and believes he is the best
but he is nothing more than a shadow in flancrest

Monday, February 19, 2007

phoebe's darkest hour

today i heard some disturbing news. it's not a bodily function funny, but what the heck anger. today while visiting my doctor he told me about something that happened at his restaurant phoebe's. Friday night a baptist church rented the restaurant to have a special speaker. the cost was 30 dollars a plate (i should be baptist... they must be rich). 2 local girls were asked to help the speaker for the evening. the pastors daughter and a deacon's daughter. they were asked to paint their face black. the speaker also painted his face and look somewhat like a cross dresser. he instructed the girls to address the guests as "master" (add gone with the wind slave accent). the speaker talked with the same. through the evening he told his story. the same story saved through grace... yet why did he put down black people? it makes me ashamed to live in a southern state. makes us look evil and heartless.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

riding the mattress

it has snowed 3 inches. i know to my friends in the north that is not much, but around here that is a lot. last night i was unable to drive up my driveway. thankfully i have 2 driveways and i shoveled enough away to park. this morning i awoke to a phone call telling me church was cancelled. i cheered a little inside (forgive me). something about being lazy on sunday feels good. as a child i felt like i was letting God down by not going to church, but today i felt different. i spent most of the morning outside in the snow (of course it took me forever to find clothes to wear in the snow that wouldn't get wet and chap my thighs that like to rub together). we have 2 really good sleds and one snowboard. they are fun, but the one thing that really gets you moving fast is this plastic mattress we have. on the normal sled you only make it down one hill... i took a run and jump and made it down two hills and across the road heading towards the lake. nothing like sailing at the speed of light on a mattress...
i guess that was just one of those boring stories... nothing really else is happening. i get to go to the doctor tomorrow. yay! i just hope he doesn't want to touch my doodads. he has big hands and it is cold in there. he is also a very tall person and i am short...

Saturday, February 17, 2007

wal-mart and the looney tunes

one of my favorite weekend activities is to travel 45 mins to the (notice the "the") wal-mart. i live in a very small town and we do not have satan's chain in our town. so my wife and i travel almost every weekend to breathe in the low prices and cheap child laborer clothing. while walking down the aisles trying to help my wife avoid running into the woman on the jazzy (angie has a way of being rude without meaning to be rude. we fight when we are at wal-mart. she just doesn't think), i can't help but notice the different types of people i see. there are short ones, fat ones, and the ever loving looney tunes wearing sweat pants lover. (i know i wrote earlier about how much i truly love sweat pants, but my butt doesn't normally eat my shorts like this.)
i hope i don't sound rude, but i can't help but laugh at the ones who wear the tight sweats with their guts hanging out with a taz stretched two times his size. they talk loud on there cells and scream at their kid with out shoes.
ok... i should stop. i am becoming a jerk. i know that they live differently than me and Jesus loves them, but please... cut the kentucky waterfall (mullet) and for crying out loud STOP WEARING SWEAT SUITS IF YOUR BUTT IS BIG AND YOUR GUT HANGS TO YOUR THIGHS. i would want someone to tell me this... i am a good friend and i do love you. i just want what is best for you (and me).

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

the devil may have worn prada, but the preacher wore nail polish

as many of you know i work in a hardware store. mind you i am not the most manly of men. sure i like to spit when i need to. i do like to pee standing up (unless i am afraid that i may push something out). i also enjoy telling a fart jokes. yet today i met a man that made me feel so good about myself.
i was standing at my station when he walked in. he had a goofy smile and walked as if he could lift 3 times his weight. he slowly walked up to my co-worker and me. he talked with a deep voice and made sure we all noticed his chest hair meeting his chin hair. needless to say i was somewhat intimidated by him. he began telling me about the church he was pastoring. i never realized God could use such a manly man. then i noticed his nails. they had clear polish on them. why? is that something guys are supposed to do. in that moment i felt like the alpha male. sure my chest hair grows in patches and my voice kind of sounds girly when i laugh... yet... wait... nails are not polished. time to go work on a car and show my crack for awhile (that is what men do isn't it?).

Monday, February 12, 2007

beating my fears

for the past six days i have had the pleasure of traveling with my best friend matthew. i love to travel, but as some of you know i have a fear that takes the joy out of flying to chicago to l.a. ... it has crippled me for the past twelve years. most people don't understand, but a few do. while on this trip i suffered a major push towards facing my fear. i had been eating like crazy. it seems that when you travel with matthew food is free. it was wonderful. i believe i ate my weight in food. with that said... while waiting for the connecting flight to send us back to nashville it happened. my gut made a rumble and i knew my butt muscles would not be strong enough to hold it back. my worst fear was putting the pressure on.

(if you haven't figured out by now... i have a fear of pooping in public places. i can hold it for weeks if i have to. no, really i can.)

i looked at matthew with a bead of sweat on my forehead and said " i have to poop. if i don't do it now i won't make it on the flight." i walked into the restroom and it was empty. i slowly opened the door to see my cold porcelain enemy. i felt my butt pucker, but i had to work through it. as i took my place up on my fear i felt a warm power come over me. i will end there.

some of you maybe skeptical, but i took pictures to prove it.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

my affliction

if you have ever seen me in person you know what problem pains me day by day and hour by hour. it is one that cannot be hidden. one that you cannot help but stare at. my whole life i have tried to hide this curse that my father says i get from my mother. in public i try to cover it up, yet somehow it becomes seen.
when i was in high school i noticed the problem. i didn't really think it was a big deal until a friend "pointed" them out. he laughed and called me names. i tried to play it off, but there was no way around it. when i entered into college the pain followed. girls would laugh and the guys would point. even the president of the school made rude remarks.
now that i am an adult i have tried to embrace this unique character. but at the end of the day i am sad. my wife offten tries to comfort yet i see where her eyes go.
one day while speaking with an older lady at church, i noticed her eyes were not fixed on mine. yet she was boldly looking at what i worked so hard to cover up. i wanted to ask her to please look at my face, but i was afraid.
this is not something you find addressed in GQ or Men' Health. they even avoid the subject. i pray that someday someone will find the cure for my sickness.
what is this sickness i speak of? i blush to even mention it. the constant hardness of the nipples. laugh.. call me names... but please... don't look at them.

Monday, February 05, 2007

working at congeltons!

most of my adult (i use this term lightly) life i have worked in "full time" ministry. i have known the pain of putting up with some odd christians (southland seems to have a lot of them and they seem to follow me) and working with some pretty cool ones. i have been sheltered i guess you would say. i am not the legalistic type, but i was always around it. i would speak of the "lost" as if i were better than them. i think i did. i learned a lot about life while working at the ministry, but i never felt free. as christians we have a habit of judging. we speak of love yet show very little. we speak of the sinners and the hell that they are going to enjoy at the end of time. a sad way to think and far from Christ.
now that i am no longer with the mission i have found myself working in the "world" and i love it! i work at a hardware store (odd isn't it...well you should have seen me as a P.E. teacher) with some very cool people. they are not "christians" yet they love more than anyone i have ever met. my first day everyone came out to meet me. even the lumber yard men (i was scared of them). day after day i learn something new about these people. their lives and there faults. they learn mine too. i finally believe i am learning what it means to be Jesus. i am finally learning to live in this world and walk in it. the "lost" doesn't seem so lost anymore and i have found freedom from the judging eye of christians.
i admit... this was a little serious. sorry. it was the only thing on my mind at the time. i promise to start talking about body hair and farting. i have yet to show you the bodily functions side of me. i always heard "love can be understood in any language", but i believe it is farting. even a french man would laugh at a fart.