Thursday, November 22, 2007

i am not as nice as i may seem

most people in my life think i am really nice and compassionate person. they have seen the way i reach out to the hurting and how i stand up for the underdog. i have been praised and hailed as the nicest person in my family. trust me i am not bragging... for i am far from that. it is nice that i have fooled so many people, but if i were to really stop and be honest i would realize that i am a liar (in someways).
i started to really notice it last night when i was with a friend. we were making fun of a mutual friend (i am leaving the names out just in case the mutual friend is reading this). we both pointed out his or her flaws and had some pretty funny moments at this person expense. i left that dinner feeling light hearted and joyful (only because i put someone else down..well not only for that reason. i loved spending time with this friend, but it was one of the many common bonds we have).
it also makes me think back to the times i have made fun of a large woman for wearing stretch pants. it is so wrong for someone large to wear such a garment. i mean.. they are stretch beyond belief and i mostly sit and wait for the stretch to give out.. i mean even stretch armstrong breaks when you stretch him too far.
just now my wife was telling me not to post this cause "like, you should really sleep on this.. maybe you won't like, post this blog. it could like hurt some one's feelings". so i had to point out that i started counting how many times she says like. it all started last weekend when i listened to her tell a story to her friend. i found myself getting so annoyed. it was every other word.
i don't know what is wrong with me. i used to never make fun of people. i was picked on a lot in middle school. i was short, fat, had a mullet, and i wore glasses that got dark in the sunlight. i was not the cool kid. it may have started when i went to bible college and discovered how stupid some people could actually be. there was actually this one girl who believed she could make me fall in love with her by how she prayed. i think it is a sin to get turned on by a prayer.. isn't it? or the time i was actually told to sit down and pee in the office building cause they could hear me peeing by the coffee machine. what man sits down and pees?
as i sit here and write this i hear myself making fun of ugly women on tv and making fun of the televangelist trying to get me saved from my life of greed... but i first have to send him 50 bucks for my prayer to get heard. that is when it hits me.. paul is the reason why i make fun of people so much (paul is my brother in-law). that is all we have in common. he makes fun of everyone that crosses his path. he has a way of pointing out people's flaws and makes them funny. he can make the sad little clown laugh and the most cold of heart warm with joy as they laugh at my attempt to play poker. he claims to be a content soul, but i think he is really insecure and sad with his life of taunting and crushing spirits. like a drug dealer he sells you this lie of satisfaction.. the satisfaction of putting others down to make you feel better about your own personal short comings.
you maybe saying.. "turn your painful words on him".. it is impossible. i have tried many times to make fun of paul, but i cannot. nothing phases him. he just looks at you like you are the biggest retard.. speaking of which.. one time i was in mcdonalds waiting for my food and the "cook" comes out from behind the grill with blood on her hand.
"i cut my "f"ing hand." she exclaims with sweat stains on the pits of her shirt.
the manager "get back to work."
while all of this is going on a large group enters mcdonalds. i am so angry i don't care. i am disgusted by the bloody "cook".. i take my tray to my sit and yell.
"there are a bunch of retards up there!"
as soon as the words leave my mouth my sister points to the crowd that surrounds me. at that moment i became sick.. the special olympics had been held that day and they were waiting to have their bellies filled with fast food.. i felt horrible.. so i left..
how can i change this problem i have? why do i find myself making fun of little foot right now when i am trying so hard not to make fun of people.. why i am talking like the annoying girl that doesn't know how to swallow spit while she talks... why am i still laughing at the way we made fun on an old man that we saw last night wearing a shirt that said "i'd fcuk myself" (that was how it was spelled)...
i need to really get away from paul.... i need to save myself from a life of hurtful words thrown at those around me.
(paul knows i am writing this.. how do you think i was able to make fun of people in my blog?)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

danny is doing great!

just a quick update. danny came out of the surgery and he is doing great. i will try to give more info later on.. we are just so thankful that he is doing well.. thanks for all of the prayers.. it looks like this cloud is going to be lifted.

Monday, November 12, 2007

update on danny

i woke up around 7 in the waiting room. other people had entered the waiting room and i wondered what i looked like sleeping on those hard chairs. my body twisted in ways that most people my weight could never twist themselves into. i also knew i looked pretty rough. the man across from me fought to hold his laughter as i raised up.. i had a huge pillow mark across my face. i found my way to the restroom and splashed water on my face. i just wanted to hurry up and check on danny.
when i enter his room i notice he was watching joyce meyers. i became very afraid. has he felt the cold touch of death? is he afraid that his relationship with God needs to be strengthened?
"what are you watching?"
"i got stuck on it." he exclaims.
my fears have eased. then he goes on to tell me what happened throughout the night.. well. actually just two things.. the first was kind of funny, but the second one is really funny. so i am going to tell it. apparently danny has found a way to pee on his arm. not his forearm, but close to his shoulder. while using his pee jug he became lazy and let go and peed on himself. to many this may seem sad. as in a young person losing control of themselves, but i know danny. he is just lazy.
he is doing well this morning. last night he seemed a little down, but this morning he is laughing and making fun of me.. which means he is doing well.
i will be heading home sometime today. i have to prepare for work tomorrow. i will give more updates as i learn more about danny's health. thank you for your prayers.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

pee jug and saline farts

most sunday evenings i spend my night watching cartoon networks adult swim. laughing at family guy, but quickly turning the channel when my wife walks in as if i were watching porn (she doesn't agree with me watching such cartoons). yet tonight i sit with my bearded, hairless knuckled brother in-law in a hospital room filled with his awful farts that make me wonder if that is what death smells like. this is the second night i have spent with him. the first night i slept in the waiting room.. as of now i am hidding out in his icu room waiting for the pudding pack eating man nurse to tell me to get out (he is really scary. he is about 6 foot 5 and weighs as much a my ford focus).
as we sit and watch football, we laugh at the different things going on around us or what is coming out of danny. close to my left knee is danny's pee jug which he claimed he halfway filled, but he didn't (i am talking about his urine not filling it perv). outside of his door is the toilet he had to poop in. which causes me to remember what happened earlier today. danny had me ask the nurse about him doing number 2. she walked in with the plastic toilet that danny says makes a thud when turds hit instead of a splash that we are all used to hearing. back to the story.. so after she places the toilet in the room she proceeds to close the curtains and close the door leaving me to witness his poop. i quickly let her know i was not going to be apart of such a personal and spiritual experience. i walked out of the icu to wait for him to finish his duty. i allowed him five minutes since he didn't have anything to read. i picked up the phone outside of the icu and i asked if i could go back into danny's room..
"ummm. his light is on and the nurse is in there. you may want to wait a couple minutes."
"ok" i say as i think "more like wait about 30 minutes. i have smelled his poop and i now know that ever nurse in the icu is wishing they were working at mcdonalds."
i walk towards danny's room and this smell hits me. i knew at that moment that this was a big one and since he was hooked on oxygne that we were not able to light a match. i began to wrestle within myself.
"do i want to go in that room?"
"yes! he is your brother in-law and your friend. he needs you in this moment."
"but i don't want to smell like his crap. i mean... i hate smelling like a camp fire. how can i make it smelling like danny's crap?"
"you need to grow up....OH MY GOSH! WHAT IS THAT SMELL? BELOCH (that is the sound of me throwing up in my mouth and swallowing it)!!!!"
"told you it was going to be rough."
yet i took a deep breath and walked into his room to be the friend i needed to be. i watched the nurse quickly clean his mess and rush out the door. i believe she was holding her breath. her face was red and her smile seemed as one desperatly trying to fill their lungs with clean air.
many other things took place. as danny wondered if he could brush his teeth with sprite. he has still yet to try.. actually he has still yet to brush his teeth. he did change his underwear, but the sound he just made leads me to believe he may need to change them again.. also the sound of his toe nails rubbing the foot board to the bed tells me he hasn't clipped his toe nails in a few months. wow... i am just putting him down aren't i? lol.. i still find it funny.
don't worry.. danny knows i am saying all of these things. i would never talk ill about my loved ones in a blog without telling them.. i only do that to people i don't like.
to be honest. this whole experience makes me nervous. it has been a long weekend for danny, my friends and myself.. as most of you know we lost a close friend and if i were to be really honest with myself... i could have lost another person i really love. you see, danny's heart has an enlarged right side and it looks like he is going to have surgery. last night things became serious as he was being worked on in the er. i just thank God that he was already here when it happened.
i hate to end a blog on a sad note. so i will end it with this... my sweater smells like danny's farts.

Monday, November 05, 2007

life is like a twist of the nipple... painful and hard..yet a hint of pleasure.

waking up at 3 a.m. and wondering what the temperature is set on. sweat is pouring off my face and i feel as if i could no longer sleep. i kicked the covers off and tried to think of things to knock me out. i thought about all the things i needed to do. how could i make a fence around my car port. did i bring any pixie sticks home (i love those things)? yet none of them put me back to sleep. i decided to get out of bed and read, but once i made it to the living room... i decided to get on the internet. so many thoughts were running through my mind. i just sat down and started writing e-mails to friends. some i have never reached out to before. others i had. i was in a place of insecure words. what brought me there?
the week before i had attended a friend's son's funeral. he was only 3 and his life ended so quickly. then that saturday i found out my friend katie had died in her sleep. she was only 25 and was working as a missionary in haiti. i wrestled with all of these thoughts. why does this happen? why take them both out of the world? they were young.
i started to cry. thinking about katie and the last time we had talked. i thought about all of the different things she used to say. how she laughed. rolled her eyes. the tears i once fought were flowing freely. i would never get to tell her i loved her or goodbye.
i write all of this to say. i am sad and confused by all the things that happen in this world. yet, i see where i am blessed. i see God's hand in so many things around me. i am still sad. even as i write this now from my office desk. i try to smile and cover up the sadness.
it's been raining, but now the sun is fighting it's way out. i guess that is what i need to do. i need to accept the fact that i can't change things and that God has his reason. sure i am not happy, but i can fight the sadness.
i know this blog is all over the place. that is one of the many dangers of writing while at work. i can't seem to focus on my thoughts or share them the way i want. i just hope that i learn to praise Him in the hard times.
this saturday as they put katie in the ground i know i will be sad. i also know i will see her again. i guess that is the thing i should be letting come through.