Tuesday, August 26, 2008

a letter of love

i received this e-mail. i was told i should share it and call the person out. i just wish i knew who you were... then i would buy you a steak dinner and kill you with kindness and a steak knife. kidding!!! i would never take you out for a steak dinner. maybe to the purple cow or something.
i really don't understand where you get off saying these things and i did edit your e-mail. i don't like you making fun of my friends. that is my job.
so please step down off your high horse and realize that i am only human and yes i do say a lot of stupid things, but it's a free world.. therefore i am able to say stupid things.

I read about you in Matthew Turner's book Hokey Pokey. I must say I was impressed with your faith, but then I was directed towards your blog and found that you are nothing more than a fake. You cling to the ideas of a free thinking world, but in a "Christian" way. That is impossible to do. You clam to love God, but you seem to love yourself more. You talk about things that no one should even speak.
You are shallow and a fake. The Bible warns us about people like you. Tickle our ears Tommy. Tickle our ears.
I just pray that God saves your soul and the ones you are taking down with you. I feel for your unborn child and wife. Though I am sure you love them with all of your heart, but I know your son will never hear about the true God as long as you follow this path.

Friday, August 22, 2008

so far behind

i turned 30 and i fall behind on work, blogging, and sleep.

Friday, August 15, 2008

nose hair

i plucked and i cried...
i use scissors and i cut my nose.
i let them grow, they tickle me...
i used nair... it burns!!!
what is a man to do?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

trying to figure out who god is

of course as a christian i am always wondering about things that deal with God. like why me? and why am i going bald, but my back is covered in hair?
but the god i am trying to figure out is the one who left the comment on my blog on focus on the family.
i thought i knew who it was, but i was wrong. i aksed a couple of my friends and none of them would own up to the comment. it's not that i am mad... i found some of it somewhat funny... i just want to know who.
cause we all know that it isn't the real God... he would never accuse me of drinking or smoking...

Monday, August 11, 2008

bonding moment

angie and i have been friends for most of our lives. we grew up in the same church and worked at the same camp every summer. i think that is why we make such a good team as husband and wife. we were friends before we were a couple. we knew each other's strengths and weaknesses before we ever decided to get married (well, most of them).
i didn't think a lot would surprise me in our marriage, but i was wrong.
she freaks over bills (something about a 30 dollar comic book bill is disturbing to her). she enjoys mac and cheese. she loves tacos and she rarely laughs at a PG-13 movie. she also hates cartoons...
so you could see where distance would come between us after a few years of marriage. i tried to give up cartoons and comics for her, but i was unable to do that for her. i felt like a failure.
how can we rekindle the love we once had for one another? the kind of love that knows no embarrassing moments?
i am sure wise men have searched for a way to solves this problem without counseling and spending a lot of money.
i am not a wise man, but i have discovered a way to bring the "magic" back..
today i have to go to the doctor or maybe i shouldn't call it a doctor, but i am getting a massage. i didn't want my hairy back showing.. so my lovely wife agreed to nair my back while watching the Olympics. it was beautiful.
the roar of the crowd.
the burn of the nair.
the smell of burning hair.
angie holding her breath.
it was awesome.
it was amazing....
i am the best husband in the world!

Friday, August 08, 2008

bored out of my mind

work has been so slow today. i am not sure why this is. i work in a place where there is always someone getting in trouble and having to come to us to pay their fine or find out when they have to be in court.

not today!

i have sat and watched the clock for the last hour. i believe i would rather be working on something. maybe even mowing my yard again (which i mowed the other day in the dark).

a friend told me about twitter. i joined. i think it is retarded, but also fills in the dead time. i am able to confess stupid stuff.. like how retarded i think people are.. my desire to tell people to shut up... my insecurities when it comes to being honest about the habits i have (i am not talking about alone time pervs!).
i have five minutes before i can leave. i hear a train.. good.. it won't be able to block the road i take home.

i look forward to the weekend. i look forward to relaxing. i look forward to hanging out with friends. i look forward to sleeping in.
no one ever told me that when you get older you sleep less. that is very unfair. i miss sleeping. i miss waking up at 12 and sleeping one more hour. i miss sitting in my underwear all day at the house watching people's court.

but if i were to do that .. i would miss the money i am making now...

well, it is almost time for me to leave. i hope you all have a good weekend... just avoid focus on the family!

focus on your own family!

last night i had the honor of spending a few hours listening to a bunch of people talk in circles. they tried to paint these images of hope driving the vehicle (what the heck does that mean? i know who hope is, but what is the vehicle and how can i avoid it's path of destruction)? they talked about churches working hand in hand (that will never happen. the churches around here think they are better than one another). they gave speeches of declare, share, and repair or something retarded like that.

don't get me wrong. i wish focus on the family could save this community and millions like it, but they can't. the problem(there are a lot more problems trust me.. like the fact they give really bad speeches, they twist scripture to justify them begging for money..it could go on) with focus on the family is they only trust in the churches to help. not a bad idea if the churches actually were sane or able to see beyond their own views, but i know all too well that the pastors cannot get a long (i used run the score clock for a church league basketball outreach... boy do those preachers get nasty and use words my mom would wash my mouth out with soap for saying.. actually she never washed my mouth out, but she did my twin. it was funny).

i think the highlight of the night was watching josh. he has no facial expressions when sitting in a room full of people talking about retarded things. he doesn't even roll his eyes. i watch and wait for a bead of sweat, but nothing. i have told him often that i wish i could read his mind then i would know what he was thinking, but until then i will make up stories in my head of what he is thinking (he thinks about pink ponies way too much).

i guess i write all of this to say... and in the words of my friend james langteaux (who called right in the middle of the most important part of the speech... the sinners prayer!).."james dobson, focus on your own dang (avoiding soap in the mouth) family! then smile and say "have a bless-ed evening" (which i can't say what james told me that meant in southern talk).

in other news... i am starving. i haven't had breakfast yet, i have to go to court in a few minutes, and i have 3 paper cuts on my hand... it's going to be a wonderful day... it will be much better once i get to eat. i guess i could go get a twinkie...mmmmm...
also.. sorry if there are a lot of mistakes in this. i am just a retard most days...

Thursday, August 07, 2008

ninjas, soft toilet paper, and interns

kicks butt, cleans butt, kisses butt....

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

my diet is now screwed

i went to get me a drink at the offices vending machine.. i glanced over to the snack machine to see what the normal folk are eating.. then i saw it... a light from heaven opened up and the angels sang... twinkies! i love twinkies! only 80 cents!!! i bought a pack... 2 are in a pack... i am happy, but screwed!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

i am addicted

i am addicted to eclipse gum. i bought one of those big containers of gum... i can't stop chewing the gum. i tried to stop and i got the shakes. it gets my mind going, but i am sure it isn't a habit. i can stop anytime i want. don't judge me.. you drink pop i am sure. you eat fatty foods.. there's no difference.... back off. no i don't need to go to a class to help me stop chewing gum. you stop cursing. maybe you should go to a class for that. does my chewing gum offend you? your face offends me... shut up.. go away..

this is what it would sound like if i were addicted to eclipse gum, but i am not. i just need one more to get through the day.

Monday, August 04, 2008

sticky things and pulling out my hair

i have been trying to keep this hidden for the most part. i have never been a fan of showing too much weakness. i don't like when people ask me questions about my health and crap like that, but i guess i should just come out and say what i have on the side of my belt.
no... it isn't a pager. the 80's are gone... no matter what the today show says... i hated the 80's (well, not the cartoons).
no... i am not wired for the cops to hear about your past. even though that would be cool. i have always wanted to work for the law in that way, but then i would end up tied up in a dark room with my feet in a pan of water and electric shock things on my forehead.
it's a heart monitor like thing. it only records my heart when i go into one of my "episodes". i have to wear it for a month. the sticky things have pulled out a lot of the hair. so i just shaved my belly and chest.
i even have to wear it when i sleep. i find myself wanting to rip the things off in the middle of the night.
then to find clothes to wear to work where it doesn't show is impossible. so i am cutting a small whole in the pockets of my dress pants. i want to run the wire through there and put the monitor in my pocket. i am very smart like that.

in other news:
angie's back is killing her.
jasper's favorite song is by the flaming lips (yoshima battles the evil pink robots pt1).
i am getting a second tattoo.
james' love for my retarded conversations still grows stronger.
wondergirl thinks she is a duck (she has made some friends who happen to be ducks).
mr.land has given me two huge got milk heroes posters.
angie's friends are coming in the weekend.
i have rediscovered my love for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
paul is moving back to lexington.
josh packs light.
rue burns easily.

that is all i can think of...