Thursday, May 18, 2006

Learning to Breathe

i love walking by streams. sounds girly, but there is something peaceful about the water falling over rocks and little fish swimming in the small pools. i have set for hours by a stream. thinking. praying. wishing. hoping. cursing. ya know in pslams 40 where it says to wait patiently on the Lord. yeah.. well i haven't learned that yet. in those moments of peaceful water flow.. i find my struggles come up for air. it's as if they pick the one time that i am trying my hardest to be close to God.
this past week i have discovered that i am really fighting with the spirit inside of me.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

i will never understand

why do i feel as if i must be the one to save everyone? why do i feel the need to make things right? why am i the one who must admit fault just to keep a friendship? why? why? why? i hate that word. i hate that it is always there. i hate the fact that at this moment i don't understand why things happen?
i woke up this morning feeling alone. feeling as if no one could really connect with me (which i know isn't true). then to go through the day fighting this doubt.. to find that a friend has died. suddenly taken away. WHY? why do i make everything about me?
God, what is the meaning of it all? why do You feel so far away? why don't You answer me? why do my friends hurt? why do my insides scream for peace?
i would like to end this blog with some hope, but as of now i find none. i find no comfort in the friendships that i have nor in the word that is laid before me. i want to close my eyes and see nothing. feel nothing.
what a baby i am. what a baby! ahhh. i want to scream. i want to run. i want to make things right..

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

nothing relevant and nothing fun

it has been several weeks since my last update. i am not a very good blogger. one would say that i suck. i could sit here and try to think of something funny to write, but i can't. i could write about my life, but that would be sad. lol. my life has become some what boring. due to a health reason that i will lovingly call, twist, i am not able to go do anything physically active. i know, i know. i should be happy, but in fact i feel somewhat useless. it is also something hard to explain to people.
"why aren't you helping me lift this?" the man says.
"oh, if i do my right nut could turn in such a way that it would explode, and therefore i would never beable to enjoy sex or create a baby." i answer with the biggest smile in the world.
ok.. i admit. this is funny. my nut is a cause to laugh. i am being serious. the fact that my wife laughs everytime something about balls or nuts is brought up is funny.
let me change subject now. let me draw your attention to the fact that i have rediscovered my love for corndogs. a wiener on a stick covered in bread or cornbread.. wow.. i love the man who made these things. they are good with mustard or BQ sauce. i could eat about 10 of these lovely things. the only problem is i would gain all the weight that i have lost back and since i am not able to really workout.. that is dangerous. i would be wearing bedsheets within a week.. and not in the "i just had the best sex ever and i am too lazy to put pants on" way. it would be "my man tits are so large that i think the remote is under it, but i am too lazy to check. so i am stuck watching the view and i am discovering that i am in love with loud undersexed women who talk about their periods way too much. when the truth of the matter is that they have already went through the change, way.
i wonder what life will bring tomorrow? i wonder if i will finally wet the bed because i try to hold it til the last second when i can't wait anymore and the morning wood gets in the way of really peeing good? ahh.. life is wonderful and i am being serious. i love life and life loves me.
i hope this makes you happy jeof. i got on here to give you something to read that will make you smile. do you know why? cause you are cool. yes jeof oyster. you are cool and i thought i would mention you in my blog. lol.. this was for you bro. please don't work too hard. you never know when you might get your nut in a twist.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

does anyone find me lovely?

today i learned an important lesson. i veiw things in black and white. love and hate. truth and lies. yet the world is not in black and white. there isn't always an answer. there isn't always someone there to help when you have fallen. some times God does pull His hand away. it is in those moments and in this moment that i hold tight to grace. sure, i am in pain and i am hurting bad, but tomorrow is a new day and i will find the strength to face this world. i always have and i always will.
two things in life never change. God's love and the power of music. both move me to tears. both move me to dance. and both will be there tomorrow when i wake up before the dawn. they will be there as i stand before the crowds.
as i write shawn mcdonald is playing in the back ground. "lovely" let me tell you a story of a little boy who had lost his way. in search for something to make it a better day. but all he seemed to find was a world of hurt and pain. and a place that didn't seem to care that he lost his way. so the boy began to cry. yes the boy began to cry. does anyone love me? does anyone care? is anyone out there that finds me lovely?
sure tears are running down my face. not because i feel like this boy in the song, but because there are kids, teens, and adults who feel this way everyday of their life. i am so blessed. i am so loved. i have found my strength.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

burning a bridge

7 years ago i finished my college. college life was hard. not cause of the work, but because of the school i attended. it was a very legalistic school. i was not a model student of southland. i listened to christian music with a drum beat. i went to a public high school. i went to dances. i didn't part my hair. i also loved sinners. i made it through, but there were a lot of emotional scars left. it took years for me to even go back there to visit. i would never tell someone to look at the school, but it still had a special place in my heart.
yesterday the school sent out a news letter. it talked about the former students who have went on to server God in the ministry. there were a lot of names. ones that i had went to school with. there were even some of my co-workers. yet i didn't see my name. i am in the full time ministry. it didn't really bother me at first, but the more people talked about it.. it hurt. i saw a the "music" teacher at a funeral. what a place to see her.. one of my friends brought it up. the teacher looked at me and said "oh please, did you really think that they would put you on that list? " i was shocked. " think of your attitude." i couldn't believe this. i was cut from the list because i did not buy into the fake salvation that they teach. i didn't believe their truths. the laws that they believed made them stronger.
i am hurt, but i am free. one way i believe to truely become free would be to burn this bridge. i have no need for this college nor the people there. i just pray that i never become the christian to cause pain.

Sunday, March 05, 2006


tears stream down as the memories written are read. i see where i have been and i where i am now. i am a sad man with little dreams. these are the thoughts that have been feeding me. i once searched for love and friendship. i once searched for the Lord's face and touch. as pages turned and time moved on. i discovered my heart had been misplaced. easy to trust yet easy to be broken. many have left me without word spoken.
tearing each page one by one. i feed this fire of a vision. a vision of a man standing free. no one near him and not even me. removed from the face were the tears and smiles. only a shining taste can be heard for miles. will i reach this vision or will i remain. a man who is untouched or broken my Saviors sweet refrain.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


the sound of sanity
never sounded so soft
what i thought was my mind
i've really lost

letting go used to sound fun. i thought it would be nice to be open. i thought i would finally feel free to be me. i've said the prayer and i've taken my time. God asked me to move out, but yet here i still sit. i tell teens to let go and let God have complete control. "He can free you." i've even got the convincing look on my face. i sing the songs. i show my desire to be free and real. yet when i sit in my car.. i cry.. i am afraid i'll give in. i'm not worried about my struggles or sins. i'm worried that no one is really my friend. the kid who was felt sorry for. i cling to people like they are my only hope, but to only have my fingers broken so i will let go.
i dream of a day when i can walk tall. to breathe in the air and fill the burn like a winters day run. this is what it feels like to breathe God. this is what it is to be a live. i want God to have all of me. i want to be willing to lay it all down at His feet. if my life dies in this journey, amen. but i will be damned to live like this again..

Saturday, February 18, 2006


life can become a show. you know when to move. when to smile. when to have your back to the crowd. when to speak. it flows. it becomes comfortable. it is the way that life is lived by many. i have fallen into this way of living. i have learned to hide who i truely am behind the smiles. behind the words that resonate on the walls that i have built.
i sing a song talking about laying it all at God's feet. i can sing it with such passion that i actually believe i have laid it all down. then the truth comes to me like a whore at night (with a price). i have not really laid it all down. i hold on so tight to everything around me. i scream for help yet i run when it is offered.
grace is something hard for me to understand. i need it and want it. yet i act like i don't feel it. i want to walk free through this life. no more shows. i want to be real and raw. i want to fall and hurt. i want to dance and not care who watches. i want to lay it all down. i do. i must. i just don't know if i can.

Monday, January 23, 2006


I move out to the open
rain falling cold burns
the steam of life circles my head
my belief is "i'm better off"
soon after my tears turn to pain
my words race and my mind moves
if i'm to enter Your presence?
God, i am scared
i want to run i want to fly
these feelings of worthlessness i cannot deny
i hate who i am
and i feel like Your gone
i search for my friends and i don't believe they are there
God, i'm sick of this
God, no one will miss me
take me now take me now
i want to be removed
removed from all of this
remove, remove
God, i hate who i am

Saturday, January 14, 2006

every scar

in my life i have received many wounds. some i have made myself and many from others. i have learned to cover my scars, but as i am learning to open up... i see where i need to show these scars. as i am typing this i am listining to Miles by thrice (awesome band). in the song it has a line that screams to me. " and as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart."
many wounds, but only one really screams. the one of broken trust and the theft of my innocencs. when i was in Bible college i had no friends. a handful of people actually would speak to me, but they were only to smile. nothing more. i had made a close friend at the church i was attending. he was cool. he loved the Lord and he actually cared about what i thought. as the months went on i trusted him more and more. i would tell him my failures and how i have let down my family in so many ways. how i was in love with this girl from camp. different things that normally i would not talk about.
one night everything changed. turned out he was only my friend for one reason. a reason that would never have crossed my mind. he was only lusting after me.. first off.. me? apparently he never saw me with my shirt or maybe he was hurting and he thought that it could be made better through this.. whatever the case. i lost my trust in people. slowly i am learning to open up again. there is one person in my life that i have let in.. well, actually he called me out on somethings, but it feels good to show the scars. of course sometimes i have been forced to show, but over all.. in the moments where i am a real.. i feel close to God.
this is all screwed up and makes no sense, but it's my freakin blog..

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


"here i am beside myself again." these words are so simple, yet powerful to me. i have grown to love the song "ender". it speaks of how someone is pouring everything out to someone they love, but the person is asleep again. that is how i feel my life is sometimes. i am pouring everything that i have into other people, but they don't even see it. it get's old and it becomes a lonely battle. i am sure i have made it lonely, but how can you have someone walk with you that doesn't really want to be there?
lastnight as i watched people i love.. i heard a voice in my head and heart telling me i was going to fail them. that i am not strong enough to carry them. that i will let everyone down that i love and at the end of it all no one will be there to help me. normally i would fight that voice, but for some reason i gave into it's lies.
so here i sit. surrounding myself in doubt and fear. i know things are nothing what they seem. the people who i believe to be my friends are really nothing more than people in my life. the ones i view as my enemies are closer than my brother.
reading over what i have laid before you seems to be full of pride. i see how i try to do too many things on my own. the Bible tells me that i am not alone. and that it is not my strength i am to do these things.
someday i will learn and grow. someday i will stop thinking of me.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

pain of trust

i trust almost everyone. heck.. who am i kidding. i trust everyone, but once in awhile i am shown the dangers of trusting. i allowed someone in and they basically screwed me over. the fact that it was a friend hurts worse than anything. to be lied to hurts. to have something stolen from you makes you anger. to be kicked in the balls really makes me sick. but when a friend just takes advantage of me! it really pisses me off. somehow it all comes back to me being too trusting. i have been warned my whole life.. don't trust people. and sometimes i haven't, but it has always hurt me in the end.
i will forgive him and i will try to make things better when i see him. but to know that he lied to me and stole from me.. that will be hard to forget.
in this moment i want to show the true meaning of being a Christian. sure i want to yell at him, but that is not the way to do it.
see, i do the same thing to God. i steal from Him. i lie to Him. i ignore Him, but everytime He takes me back.. sure i feel like crap, but the beauty of forgiveness is overwhelming.
so my goal is to look him in the eye and say it is ok. sure there will be some time before i can completely trust him, but my love for him will not change. money comes and goes, but friends don't. love is the only thing to heal it and it is the only thing i have to give him now.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

lost no more

i was unable to sleep. the thoughts of of friends, family, and failures were running through my mind. I questioned God. "why me?" no answer. i don't see why God uses me. i don't understand why He loves me. there are so many other people out there who are better than me. yet here i am.
so now i sit here wondering what is next. do i step out on faith or do i let more of You in? i have to admit that i fear You. i know in letting You in i will be open. nude before the crowd kind of feeling when it's cold. i believe You have something great for me, but what will i have to give up for it?
i walk past my room and see angie sleeping. she is so strong and i feel so weak. i'm blessed to have her in my life. her love is so strong, but what if i hurt her? how will i live?
i go to the bathroom and i see shane's contact stuff. he is so hungry, but what if i can't feed him? he is, what i think , the perfect son. what if i fail him? i would rather die.
i come to rest on the couch. i see the guitar, piano, drum, and violin. i think what if the music i love to sing stopped. how would i praise? i would give up.
then You speak to me. "if you are in My love, how will you hurt her? if you speak My Word how will you fail him? if the music stops your life should praise Me."
at times i feel lost in this world, but in moments like this i know i am found.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

wrapped in wrinkles

last night one of my co-workers asked if i would be able to join him at the nursing home today. he needed me to lead the song service. 1. i am scared of old people. 2. i can't relate to them. 3. i am scared of old people. the songs were slower than normal and most of them fell asleep during the long speaking. heck.. i almost fell asleep. something i noticed though. the cry for attention. these people have been dropped off and left to die. they have lost almost all hope. their face's no longer smile. they just sit there and wait for death to visit.
as we were leaving a woman grabbed my hand. she said that i was pretty. 1. guys are not pretty. 2. i am neither handsome or pretty, but it was nice. i smiled and said that she was beautiful. she smiled so big that i was lost in it. i had to reach out and take her hand. i just wanted to stand there and look into the soul. to feel the life she lived and the pain of the life now. it is overwehlming.
as we drove away from the nursing home i felt saddness. i spend so much time looking out for the youth that i have forgotten the elderly. i am not comfortable around old people cause of trust issues and such, but they are God's children too.
in my journey of letting go.. i have found that i have made a lot of judgments that are not true. 1. old people smell. this is not true. now the ones who shit on themselves yes, but so do baby's. 2. they always want you to eat nasty candy. this is also not true. most of them don't have teeth. 3. they have nothing to teach me. i was way off on this. i learned more from her smile than i have from anyone that i have looked up to. 4. they don't care about today's teens. i am still trying to find out why some of them hate teens, but most love them.
i want to be free from my judgments. i claim to be openminded, but i am really just a prick. my own insecurities have become law and not truth. riddles and riddles.. it's all i will speak. i will never admit what is really bothering me.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

all the same

i woke up this morning with pain. my body hurts. in trying to become the better man, i have forgotten rest. it's not like i am working out that much, but i am not allowing myself the time to relax from life. if you are watching me it would seem that i am easy going. the truth is that i am, but i am also stressed. my work is killing me. my teens in the youth group worry me, and my wife seems to never be happy. and if she is i am in a bad mood for some odd reason.
lastnight i had an argument with a friend. he believes that i am being used or wait, he said i have become a doormat. i really wanted to say screw you, but i didn't.. i tried to listen. the whole time i was thinking that is what Christ wants me to become.. right? He told us to be servants to all. He told us to lay our lives down even for our enemies. then why is it wrong for me to be used? i was put on this earth for a reason. i know it wasn't to be rich or famous. i know that it wasn't to be a selfish prick either.
i say all of this.. that i am starting to enjoy the pain. the lack of sleep. when i recieve phone calls at 12 or 3 in the morning asking for my help.. i need to rejoice that i am able to be there for them. i know that something is changing around me. i am still unsure what it is, but i know that this is one thing that i am not to let go of. how can i let go of people who need me?
"i don't want this anymore
i don't want to want to give anymore
don't want to be
don't want to be stuck here.
i am. we are not moving ahead."

Monday, January 02, 2006

New Year New Damage

the new year has come and new hopes and fears follow close behind. i have become some what lazy in my search for hope in the past year. i have forgotten the taste of freedom and touch of grace. i have allowed peers to rob me of the life i once ran after. no more will i allow this to happen. i have to fight the lies that i have believed about myself. i have to overcome the struggles that i have formed from my gut.
wow!! sounds deep huh?
this is my first real blog. i am hoping to find my voice in my writings. i am hoping to laugh and see the mistakes that i make daily on here. i promise not to get too deep or too open. my faith in God is very important to me, and soon i will be taking a new journey. letting go.. ohhhhhh. sounds cool huh? we will see.