Saturday, November 03, 2012

A Time to Mourn... A Time to Wait

Over the past 7 months I have had plenty of time to mourn the death of my sister. I have had time to come to terms with the fact I can't call and ask her a stupid question. I cannot send my oldest to sit with her in church when I need to deal with the youngest. Nor can I pass the youngest one to fall asleep in her arms while tending to an emergency on Lego Batman during the worship service.

It seems like I would have had time to realize the void that has been created. To notice that things will never be the same, but to live with it and praise God for the life she had lived. To embrace life to the fullest and to shed a tear of joy for knowing that someday I will see her again.

I have yet to reach the point of mourning. To find that spot where brokenness and healing meet, fall in love, have sex, and give birth to joy. To stand before the masses and announce the joy I have in the fact that she is with her Savior. She is whole. She has no more pain.... If I were to say those things now it would be as empty as her spot in the pew in front of me. Somewhere deep in my heart I know all of those things are true. I just wish they were tangible.

So where do I begin? Where do I find this healing that so many have told me about? I have searched for it in prayer. I have begged for it in song. I have listened to the stories of others who have faced the same tragic end. Yet it hasn't stuck.

Please don't get me wrong. I know there is healing and I know my Savior has made her whole. I also believe that He can make me whole again, but it hasn't happened yet... Why??? I am starting to realize it is not something I can force. I have to wait. I have to trust. I have to learn to believe.

I watch her daughter thrive and keep pushing. I sit back and watch in jealousy and in shame. Jealous because she has taken the death of her mother and turned it into something beautiful. Shame cause I have only lost my sister. She has lost her mother.

So I take a deep breath and keep going. I don't hide my tears, but I will not fight healing. I will allow my brokenness to meet someone else and fall in love. I will allow mourning to break through and I will not deny Christ the glory in her life. She would kick my butt if I stayed on this path.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Time to Return

I think it is time to bring this blog back.

Monday, May 14, 2012

A Time to Mourn

A month ago my older sister Cherie passed. I have wrestled with what I would say. I haven't done a post in so long, but I wanted to write something to describe how huge of a hole this has created in my heart.
But I cannot find those words. I have hardly mourned her death. Not because my heart is cold. I just don't know how.
Recently my niece (Cherie's only daughter) wrote in a few breif words my sister's life. So I am sharing her words. I hope to mourn, but at the same time I hope to be thankful for the life my sister has lived.

By Jacquelyn Judd

The disease of cancer is a very stressful and painful disease. When I was eight my mom was diagnosed with stage two breast cancer, it eventually progressed to stage three then progressed on to stage four. When most people are diagnosed with any form of cancer they are discouraged and some people even give up. But not my mom, I mean of course she was upset, but she was a very courageous and faithful person. She was always smiling.

When she was 13 she had a very rare type of smooth muscle cancer in her small intestines and a very small part of her liver. They took out 1 foot of her small intestines and they removed a piece of her liver the size of the tip of an ink pin. This rare type of smooth muscle cancer is called lyomyosarcoma. She went through several months of treatment and the cancer went away. Cancer did not reappear in her body system until she was 29 when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

 When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, my family didn’t want to tell me because my great grandmother had just passed away from breast cancer. I eventually found out when I overheard my grandmother on the phone with her sister. My mom had a special way about her. Even though she was sick she never let anyone know how sick she was. My mom went through a series of treatments throughout that year.

My mom fought cancer on and off for eight years. When I say on and off I mean it came back over the course of eight years, in multiple places. Those places were her breasts, bones, one lung, her brain, and in her liver. In the summer of 2011 they took out half of her liver and three days before Christmas in 2011 they found lesions on her brain.

On April 6, 2012 at 2:15 a.m. my mom passed away. My mom has always been and always will be my role model. She was strong, caring, forgiving, kind and very faithful and close in her walk with God. I am the person I am today because of her. My mom ALWAYS had a smile on her face. She touched so many lives in her life time and she had an amazing testimony. I really hope I can be just like her one day. She was the best mom a daughter could ask for.

My mom was an inspiration in many ways that I can’t even begin to explain. She is my angel and my strength. I know that she wouldn’t want me to be sad because she is gone, but it is hard not to cry when you lose such a wonderful person in your life. My mom will never be forgotten by many people, especially me.  When I get upset I just remember that this world is only a temporary home and that she is not gone forever I will see her again. I know that for a fact.

Thursday, February 02, 2012