Friday, February 29, 2008

wisdom from cartoons

"pants are an illusion just like death." crazy swamp man from the avatar.

sour belly

when i woke up at 2 this morning i should have realized that it was going to be a rough day. normally i sleep sound through the whole night, but last night was a struggle. my stomach was feeling funny and my dreams were keeping my mind from resting.
when the alarm sounded i knew right then something wasn't right. i walked slowly to the shower and then it hit. the smell of satan i have heard it called. sour belly. if you have never heard of this let me explain what it is.
it is this nasty sour smell that comes out when you burp. there is no control and no hiding it. everyone in the room knows you have it. you can drink all of the pepto you want and chew all of the gum in the world, but there is no relief from the smell.
i sit in my office praying that i don't burp. i don't want anyone to witness this evil smell. it's like farting out of your mouth. the odd thing is, i can't figure out what could have caused it. i would have had to eaten some dairy, but i didn't yesterday. i had subway.
oh.. here comes a burp. holy crap.. i shouldn't work today. i need to spare those who work around me.
on a different note. you need to buy the new thrice: alchemy index. wonderful cd. the music goes from hard to somewhat soft. it is kind of like captain planet or the last avatar. fire, water, earth, and air. trust me. you will want this cd...
oh.. that was a deep belly burp.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

things you should never do

put on your wife's jeans and show her that they are loose around the waist.
laugh at a retarded person in a crowd.
admit to picking your nose in your sleep.
answer the door in your underwear.
talk to your mom about your sex life.
give your dog whiskey.
ask a color blind person if your clothes match.
eat out dated spinach.
shave between your eyes.
Nair your body.
tell your church you hate going to church.
those are just a few things i have learned in the past couple of weeks. i thought i would share my knowledge to protect you from making the same mistakes.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

someone is watching me

do you ever feel like someone is always watching you? the creepy feeling of eyes always fixed on you? gives you that kind of feeling that keeps you from peeing when you are in the men's restroom and you end up having to sing your "pee song" to get you going?
yeah.. i never get that feeling. that would be insane if i did. if you get that feeling you may want to get some real help. you have a serious problem.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

easter is coming

as a christian i love easter. it is a time when i stop and look at the sacrifice Jesus made for me. how his death freed me from sin and made a way for me to get close to God.
there are some bad memories attached to easter. like how everyone wants me to sing "watch the lamb" an old ray boltz song. sure it is pretty, but come on. i have been singing that since i was a freshman in high school. let me move on from the perm and the mullet.
needless to say Jesus' resurrecton is my favorite thing about easter, but my second favorite are the reese's easter eggs.. oh my gosh.. they are wonderful. they are so full of peanut butter and so moist and tasty. mmmmm.... i think i need to go get one.