Friday, February 26, 2010

girl scouts and broken kneecaps

i have a habit of ordering girl scout cookies and forgetting when they are coming in or how many i have ordered. needless to say, i cause angie a lot of headaches and my stomach a lot of pain. the biggest problem is, i rarely carry cash on my persons (that is a little court talk).

today was the day the girl scouts hit you up for cash. think of them like small time mobsters. they seem sweet when they offer you their cookies (which i think were baked in hell's fire), but if you don't have the money to pay up, they will beat it out of you. i have had several friends who have been through this ordeal.

"she was all smiles as she broke my kneecaps. i still wake up at night seeing that grin and freckles. my blood getting on her sash." dave says while taking a drink of gin and tonic. he has never been the same since. mention shortbread cookies and he starts crying.

so imagine my horror when i saw the little girl scout on the first floor (i work on the 2nd floor). my heart began to race. i don't have any cash on me. i watched as she took people's money. their hands shaking.

i did the only thing i could think of. i ran. i ran for the bank. i tried to do the math in my head. i figured i had enough time to run across the street and back before she was standing in front of my desk with a box of cookies and a baseball bat.

my little legs took me as fast as they could. i avoided any conversations with the people i would pass on the street. one goal. live.

i raced back to work and as i turned the corner i met the little girl with her right hand thug, her grandmother. they smiled. my heart was beating out of my chest. i played it cool. i held the door open and followed behind them. they entered my office and began going through the orders. when they got to my name i acted surprised.

"i forgot i ordered cookies. it's a good thing i have cash on me."

the little girl looked at me. she could see the sweat running down my face.

"here you go mr.hall. as always, a pleasure doing business with you." the words oozed out of her mouth like the lie from a serpent.

i survived the little green mob this year. i hope i learn from my mistake this year. keep some money in my desk and a gun under my trash can.