Monday, January 23, 2006


I move out to the open
rain falling cold burns
the steam of life circles my head
my belief is "i'm better off"
soon after my tears turn to pain
my words race and my mind moves
if i'm to enter Your presence?
God, i am scared
i want to run i want to fly
these feelings of worthlessness i cannot deny
i hate who i am
and i feel like Your gone
i search for my friends and i don't believe they are there
God, i'm sick of this
God, no one will miss me
take me now take me now
i want to be removed
removed from all of this
remove, remove
God, i hate who i am

Saturday, January 14, 2006

every scar

in my life i have received many wounds. some i have made myself and many from others. i have learned to cover my scars, but as i am learning to open up... i see where i need to show these scars. as i am typing this i am listining to Miles by thrice (awesome band). in the song it has a line that screams to me. " and as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart."
many wounds, but only one really screams. the one of broken trust and the theft of my innocencs. when i was in Bible college i had no friends. a handful of people actually would speak to me, but they were only to smile. nothing more. i had made a close friend at the church i was attending. he was cool. he loved the Lord and he actually cared about what i thought. as the months went on i trusted him more and more. i would tell him my failures and how i have let down my family in so many ways. how i was in love with this girl from camp. different things that normally i would not talk about.
one night everything changed. turned out he was only my friend for one reason. a reason that would never have crossed my mind. he was only lusting after me.. first off.. me? apparently he never saw me with my shirt or maybe he was hurting and he thought that it could be made better through this.. whatever the case. i lost my trust in people. slowly i am learning to open up again. there is one person in my life that i have let in.. well, actually he called me out on somethings, but it feels good to show the scars. of course sometimes i have been forced to show, but over all.. in the moments where i am a real.. i feel close to God.
this is all screwed up and makes no sense, but it's my freakin blog..

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


"here i am beside myself again." these words are so simple, yet powerful to me. i have grown to love the song "ender". it speaks of how someone is pouring everything out to someone they love, but the person is asleep again. that is how i feel my life is sometimes. i am pouring everything that i have into other people, but they don't even see it. it get's old and it becomes a lonely battle. i am sure i have made it lonely, but how can you have someone walk with you that doesn't really want to be there?
lastnight as i watched people i love.. i heard a voice in my head and heart telling me i was going to fail them. that i am not strong enough to carry them. that i will let everyone down that i love and at the end of it all no one will be there to help me. normally i would fight that voice, but for some reason i gave into it's lies.
so here i sit. surrounding myself in doubt and fear. i know things are nothing what they seem. the people who i believe to be my friends are really nothing more than people in my life. the ones i view as my enemies are closer than my brother.
reading over what i have laid before you seems to be full of pride. i see how i try to do too many things on my own. the Bible tells me that i am not alone. and that it is not my strength i am to do these things.
someday i will learn and grow. someday i will stop thinking of me.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

pain of trust

i trust almost everyone. heck.. who am i kidding. i trust everyone, but once in awhile i am shown the dangers of trusting. i allowed someone in and they basically screwed me over. the fact that it was a friend hurts worse than anything. to be lied to hurts. to have something stolen from you makes you anger. to be kicked in the balls really makes me sick. but when a friend just takes advantage of me! it really pisses me off. somehow it all comes back to me being too trusting. i have been warned my whole life.. don't trust people. and sometimes i haven't, but it has always hurt me in the end.
i will forgive him and i will try to make things better when i see him. but to know that he lied to me and stole from me.. that will be hard to forget.
in this moment i want to show the true meaning of being a Christian. sure i want to yell at him, but that is not the way to do it.
see, i do the same thing to God. i steal from Him. i lie to Him. i ignore Him, but everytime He takes me back.. sure i feel like crap, but the beauty of forgiveness is overwhelming.
so my goal is to look him in the eye and say it is ok. sure there will be some time before i can completely trust him, but my love for him will not change. money comes and goes, but friends don't. love is the only thing to heal it and it is the only thing i have to give him now.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

lost no more

i was unable to sleep. the thoughts of of friends, family, and failures were running through my mind. I questioned God. "why me?" no answer. i don't see why God uses me. i don't understand why He loves me. there are so many other people out there who are better than me. yet here i am.
so now i sit here wondering what is next. do i step out on faith or do i let more of You in? i have to admit that i fear You. i know in letting You in i will be open. nude before the crowd kind of feeling when it's cold. i believe You have something great for me, but what will i have to give up for it?
i walk past my room and see angie sleeping. she is so strong and i feel so weak. i'm blessed to have her in my life. her love is so strong, but what if i hurt her? how will i live?
i go to the bathroom and i see shane's contact stuff. he is so hungry, but what if i can't feed him? he is, what i think , the perfect son. what if i fail him? i would rather die.
i come to rest on the couch. i see the guitar, piano, drum, and violin. i think what if the music i love to sing stopped. how would i praise? i would give up.
then You speak to me. "if you are in My love, how will you hurt her? if you speak My Word how will you fail him? if the music stops your life should praise Me."
at times i feel lost in this world, but in moments like this i know i am found.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

wrapped in wrinkles

last night one of my co-workers asked if i would be able to join him at the nursing home today. he needed me to lead the song service. 1. i am scared of old people. 2. i can't relate to them. 3. i am scared of old people. the songs were slower than normal and most of them fell asleep during the long speaking. heck.. i almost fell asleep. something i noticed though. the cry for attention. these people have been dropped off and left to die. they have lost almost all hope. their face's no longer smile. they just sit there and wait for death to visit.
as we were leaving a woman grabbed my hand. she said that i was pretty. 1. guys are not pretty. 2. i am neither handsome or pretty, but it was nice. i smiled and said that she was beautiful. she smiled so big that i was lost in it. i had to reach out and take her hand. i just wanted to stand there and look into the soul. to feel the life she lived and the pain of the life now. it is overwehlming.
as we drove away from the nursing home i felt saddness. i spend so much time looking out for the youth that i have forgotten the elderly. i am not comfortable around old people cause of trust issues and such, but they are God's children too.
in my journey of letting go.. i have found that i have made a lot of judgments that are not true. 1. old people smell. this is not true. now the ones who shit on themselves yes, but so do baby's. 2. they always want you to eat nasty candy. this is also not true. most of them don't have teeth. 3. they have nothing to teach me. i was way off on this. i learned more from her smile than i have from anyone that i have looked up to. 4. they don't care about today's teens. i am still trying to find out why some of them hate teens, but most love them.
i want to be free from my judgments. i claim to be openminded, but i am really just a prick. my own insecurities have become law and not truth. riddles and riddles.. it's all i will speak. i will never admit what is really bothering me.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

all the same

i woke up this morning with pain. my body hurts. in trying to become the better man, i have forgotten rest. it's not like i am working out that much, but i am not allowing myself the time to relax from life. if you are watching me it would seem that i am easy going. the truth is that i am, but i am also stressed. my work is killing me. my teens in the youth group worry me, and my wife seems to never be happy. and if she is i am in a bad mood for some odd reason.
lastnight i had an argument with a friend. he believes that i am being used or wait, he said i have become a doormat. i really wanted to say screw you, but i didn't.. i tried to listen. the whole time i was thinking that is what Christ wants me to become.. right? He told us to be servants to all. He told us to lay our lives down even for our enemies. then why is it wrong for me to be used? i was put on this earth for a reason. i know it wasn't to be rich or famous. i know that it wasn't to be a selfish prick either.
i say all of this.. that i am starting to enjoy the pain. the lack of sleep. when i recieve phone calls at 12 or 3 in the morning asking for my help.. i need to rejoice that i am able to be there for them. i know that something is changing around me. i am still unsure what it is, but i know that this is one thing that i am not to let go of. how can i let go of people who need me?
"i don't want this anymore
i don't want to want to give anymore
don't want to be
don't want to be stuck here.
i am. we are not moving ahead."

Monday, January 02, 2006

New Year New Damage

the new year has come and new hopes and fears follow close behind. i have become some what lazy in my search for hope in the past year. i have forgotten the taste of freedom and touch of grace. i have allowed peers to rob me of the life i once ran after. no more will i allow this to happen. i have to fight the lies that i have believed about myself. i have to overcome the struggles that i have formed from my gut.
wow!! sounds deep huh?
this is my first real blog. i am hoping to find my voice in my writings. i am hoping to laugh and see the mistakes that i make daily on here. i promise not to get too deep or too open. my faith in God is very important to me, and soon i will be taking a new journey. letting go.. ohhhhhh. sounds cool huh? we will see.