Friday, December 07, 2007

trials of a Christmas tree

it all started tuesday night. i had gone down to the basement to check on the water heater (it had blown up earlier and flooded parts of the basement. don't worry we got a new one. it heats the water very nicely). i noticed the tree leaning against the wall (i never take the tree apart. i keep lights and all on that bad boy and just stuff it under the stair well in the basement. it is so much more easier than pulling each limb off and taking all 8,000 lights off...ok..i am lazy). so i decided to walk the tree up my narrow stairs and put it up so we can start celebrating the birth of our Savior. cause we all know you can't start to worship until that tree is lit and stuffed with presents. as the tree was placed on the living room floor - i noticed it wasn't standing up straight. i pushed through the plastic pine needles and discovered one of the legs was broken. i figured i could fix it since i was a man. well.. the weight of the plastic was making it hard to fix.. so i came to the grim conclusion. i have to take all of the lights off and the tree apart to fix that stupid leg. i went to bed. i figured i would just ignore it for one more night.
the next day was a bad day. i woke up in this real raw mood and when i walked through the living room and saw that stupid tree.. i was even more annoyed. yet, i fought on and went to work and spent the day in court.. listening to people give excuses to why they do what they do..
after a long day of listening, i arrived at home and looked at that tree.. i became sick. i wanted to burn it, but yet i could feel the Christmas spirit come over me.
"think of all the presents that are going to be under that tree for you."
the voice was right. this was my year to rack up. angie got a raise. i got a raise. my mom and dad love me more than the rest of my family.. yep.. lets get the tree up..
so i started pulling lights off.. then i got the bright idea of just taking the limbs off and the lights will fall off.. WRONG! i spent nearly 2 hours getting those lights apart..
as i stood there with lights all around me and plastic needles sticking in my socks.. i decided to go to bed. i felt defeated. i fought the good fight and lost. sadly this has happened many times in different parts of life. i took a deep breath and laid down.. i slowly drifted to sleep.. i could see lights choking me and slowly dying while that tree took over my living room.
so.. last night i was prepared for battle. i jumped in with my duct tape to fix the leg and my desire to see that tree up. i fought and fought, but then i realized.. i wrote the order of the limbs wrong (each limb has a color. example green, brown, white, etc..). so i had to put them on and take them off. fluff them out and then see that they don't look right.. i sweat and curse.. i even cried when that broken light went through my thumb, but 3 hours later.. i got the tree up.
i sat there basking in the warm glow of that tree.. Christmas can start now..
"peace on earth, good will towards all men."

Thursday, December 06, 2007

running into a wall

3 times i have ran into a wall today. 3! the same wall everytime too.. i am not talking about a figurtive wall.. i am talking about a real one. it seems like everytime i turn out of my office i hit it. am i meant to wear a helmet? maybe.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

i am not as nice as i may seem

most people in my life think i am really nice and compassionate person. they have seen the way i reach out to the hurting and how i stand up for the underdog. i have been praised and hailed as the nicest person in my family. trust me i am not bragging... for i am far from that. it is nice that i have fooled so many people, but if i were to really stop and be honest i would realize that i am a liar (in someways).
i started to really notice it last night when i was with a friend. we were making fun of a mutual friend (i am leaving the names out just in case the mutual friend is reading this). we both pointed out his or her flaws and had some pretty funny moments at this person expense. i left that dinner feeling light hearted and joyful (only because i put someone else down..well not only for that reason. i loved spending time with this friend, but it was one of the many common bonds we have).
it also makes me think back to the times i have made fun of a large woman for wearing stretch pants. it is so wrong for someone large to wear such a garment. i mean.. they are stretch beyond belief and i mostly sit and wait for the stretch to give out.. i mean even stretch armstrong breaks when you stretch him too far.
just now my wife was telling me not to post this cause "like, you should really sleep on this.. maybe you won't like, post this blog. it could like hurt some one's feelings". so i had to point out that i started counting how many times she says like. it all started last weekend when i listened to her tell a story to her friend. i found myself getting so annoyed. it was every other word.
i don't know what is wrong with me. i used to never make fun of people. i was picked on a lot in middle school. i was short, fat, had a mullet, and i wore glasses that got dark in the sunlight. i was not the cool kid. it may have started when i went to bible college and discovered how stupid some people could actually be. there was actually this one girl who believed she could make me fall in love with her by how she prayed. i think it is a sin to get turned on by a prayer.. isn't it? or the time i was actually told to sit down and pee in the office building cause they could hear me peeing by the coffee machine. what man sits down and pees?
as i sit here and write this i hear myself making fun of ugly women on tv and making fun of the televangelist trying to get me saved from my life of greed... but i first have to send him 50 bucks for my prayer to get heard. that is when it hits me.. paul is the reason why i make fun of people so much (paul is my brother in-law). that is all we have in common. he makes fun of everyone that crosses his path. he has a way of pointing out people's flaws and makes them funny. he can make the sad little clown laugh and the most cold of heart warm with joy as they laugh at my attempt to play poker. he claims to be a content soul, but i think he is really insecure and sad with his life of taunting and crushing spirits. like a drug dealer he sells you this lie of satisfaction.. the satisfaction of putting others down to make you feel better about your own personal short comings.
you maybe saying.. "turn your painful words on him".. it is impossible. i have tried many times to make fun of paul, but i cannot. nothing phases him. he just looks at you like you are the biggest retard.. speaking of which.. one time i was in mcdonalds waiting for my food and the "cook" comes out from behind the grill with blood on her hand.
"i cut my "f"ing hand." she exclaims with sweat stains on the pits of her shirt.
the manager "get back to work."
while all of this is going on a large group enters mcdonalds. i am so angry i don't care. i am disgusted by the bloody "cook".. i take my tray to my sit and yell.
"there are a bunch of retards up there!"
as soon as the words leave my mouth my sister points to the crowd that surrounds me. at that moment i became sick.. the special olympics had been held that day and they were waiting to have their bellies filled with fast food.. i felt horrible.. so i left..
how can i change this problem i have? why do i find myself making fun of little foot right now when i am trying so hard not to make fun of people.. why i am talking like the annoying girl that doesn't know how to swallow spit while she talks... why am i still laughing at the way we made fun on an old man that we saw last night wearing a shirt that said "i'd fcuk myself" (that was how it was spelled)...
i need to really get away from paul.... i need to save myself from a life of hurtful words thrown at those around me.
(paul knows i am writing this.. how do you think i was able to make fun of people in my blog?)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

danny is doing great!

just a quick update. danny came out of the surgery and he is doing great. i will try to give more info later on.. we are just so thankful that he is doing well.. thanks for all of the prayers.. it looks like this cloud is going to be lifted.

Monday, November 12, 2007

update on danny

i woke up around 7 in the waiting room. other people had entered the waiting room and i wondered what i looked like sleeping on those hard chairs. my body twisted in ways that most people my weight could never twist themselves into. i also knew i looked pretty rough. the man across from me fought to hold his laughter as i raised up.. i had a huge pillow mark across my face. i found my way to the restroom and splashed water on my face. i just wanted to hurry up and check on danny.
when i enter his room i notice he was watching joyce meyers. i became very afraid. has he felt the cold touch of death? is he afraid that his relationship with God needs to be strengthened?
"what are you watching?"
"i got stuck on it." he exclaims.
my fears have eased. then he goes on to tell me what happened throughout the night.. well. actually just two things.. the first was kind of funny, but the second one is really funny. so i am going to tell it. apparently danny has found a way to pee on his arm. not his forearm, but close to his shoulder. while using his pee jug he became lazy and let go and peed on himself. to many this may seem sad. as in a young person losing control of themselves, but i know danny. he is just lazy.
he is doing well this morning. last night he seemed a little down, but this morning he is laughing and making fun of me.. which means he is doing well.
i will be heading home sometime today. i have to prepare for work tomorrow. i will give more updates as i learn more about danny's health. thank you for your prayers.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

pee jug and saline farts

most sunday evenings i spend my night watching cartoon networks adult swim. laughing at family guy, but quickly turning the channel when my wife walks in as if i were watching porn (she doesn't agree with me watching such cartoons). yet tonight i sit with my bearded, hairless knuckled brother in-law in a hospital room filled with his awful farts that make me wonder if that is what death smells like. this is the second night i have spent with him. the first night i slept in the waiting room.. as of now i am hidding out in his icu room waiting for the pudding pack eating man nurse to tell me to get out (he is really scary. he is about 6 foot 5 and weighs as much a my ford focus).
as we sit and watch football, we laugh at the different things going on around us or what is coming out of danny. close to my left knee is danny's pee jug which he claimed he halfway filled, but he didn't (i am talking about his urine not filling it perv). outside of his door is the toilet he had to poop in. which causes me to remember what happened earlier today. danny had me ask the nurse about him doing number 2. she walked in with the plastic toilet that danny says makes a thud when turds hit instead of a splash that we are all used to hearing. back to the story.. so after she places the toilet in the room she proceeds to close the curtains and close the door leaving me to witness his poop. i quickly let her know i was not going to be apart of such a personal and spiritual experience. i walked out of the icu to wait for him to finish his duty. i allowed him five minutes since he didn't have anything to read. i picked up the phone outside of the icu and i asked if i could go back into danny's room..
"ummm. his light is on and the nurse is in there. you may want to wait a couple minutes."
"ok" i say as i think "more like wait about 30 minutes. i have smelled his poop and i now know that ever nurse in the icu is wishing they were working at mcdonalds."
i walk towards danny's room and this smell hits me. i knew at that moment that this was a big one and since he was hooked on oxygne that we were not able to light a match. i began to wrestle within myself.
"do i want to go in that room?"
"yes! he is your brother in-law and your friend. he needs you in this moment."
"but i don't want to smell like his crap. i mean... i hate smelling like a camp fire. how can i make it smelling like danny's crap?"
"you need to grow up....OH MY GOSH! WHAT IS THAT SMELL? BELOCH (that is the sound of me throwing up in my mouth and swallowing it)!!!!"
"told you it was going to be rough."
yet i took a deep breath and walked into his room to be the friend i needed to be. i watched the nurse quickly clean his mess and rush out the door. i believe she was holding her breath. her face was red and her smile seemed as one desperatly trying to fill their lungs with clean air.
many other things took place. as danny wondered if he could brush his teeth with sprite. he has still yet to try.. actually he has still yet to brush his teeth. he did change his underwear, but the sound he just made leads me to believe he may need to change them again.. also the sound of his toe nails rubbing the foot board to the bed tells me he hasn't clipped his toe nails in a few months. wow... i am just putting him down aren't i? lol.. i still find it funny.
don't worry.. danny knows i am saying all of these things. i would never talk ill about my loved ones in a blog without telling them.. i only do that to people i don't like.
to be honest. this whole experience makes me nervous. it has been a long weekend for danny, my friends and myself.. as most of you know we lost a close friend and if i were to be really honest with myself... i could have lost another person i really love. you see, danny's heart has an enlarged right side and it looks like he is going to have surgery. last night things became serious as he was being worked on in the er. i just thank God that he was already here when it happened.
i hate to end a blog on a sad note. so i will end it with this... my sweater smells like danny's farts.

Monday, November 05, 2007

life is like a twist of the nipple... painful and hard..yet a hint of pleasure.

waking up at 3 a.m. and wondering what the temperature is set on. sweat is pouring off my face and i feel as if i could no longer sleep. i kicked the covers off and tried to think of things to knock me out. i thought about all the things i needed to do. how could i make a fence around my car port. did i bring any pixie sticks home (i love those things)? yet none of them put me back to sleep. i decided to get out of bed and read, but once i made it to the living room... i decided to get on the internet. so many thoughts were running through my mind. i just sat down and started writing e-mails to friends. some i have never reached out to before. others i had. i was in a place of insecure words. what brought me there?
the week before i had attended a friend's son's funeral. he was only 3 and his life ended so quickly. then that saturday i found out my friend katie had died in her sleep. she was only 25 and was working as a missionary in haiti. i wrestled with all of these thoughts. why does this happen? why take them both out of the world? they were young.
i started to cry. thinking about katie and the last time we had talked. i thought about all of the different things she used to say. how she laughed. rolled her eyes. the tears i once fought were flowing freely. i would never get to tell her i loved her or goodbye.
i write all of this to say. i am sad and confused by all the things that happen in this world. yet, i see where i am blessed. i see God's hand in so many things around me. i am still sad. even as i write this now from my office desk. i try to smile and cover up the sadness.
it's been raining, but now the sun is fighting it's way out. i guess that is what i need to do. i need to accept the fact that i can't change things and that God has his reason. sure i am not happy, but i can fight the sadness.
i know this blog is all over the place. that is one of the many dangers of writing while at work. i can't seem to focus on my thoughts or share them the way i want. i just hope that i learn to praise Him in the hard times.
this saturday as they put katie in the ground i know i will be sad. i also know i will see her again. i guess that is the thing i should be letting come through.

Sunday, October 28, 2007


i will miss your smile, the way you said " sup" & "hey" when you answered the phone. how you owned a million shoes, and the way you loved the people of haiti. you were a gift that i took for granted, but i will never forget you. thanks for all of the long talks and being the strong one. i love you katie!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

the hair on my forehead

this will be a short blog. i have a court trial this week and i am on my short lunch break.. so i must keep this brief. let me just say.. i found a long hair on my forehead. now you maybe thinking "cool". that would be cool if it were where my hair once used to be (i am slowly going bald. my father in-law says it is from making fun of him as a kid, but i think it is because some jerks in college poured paint thinner in my hair after i dyed it black and it turned purple. i looked like an old woman. no wonder my dad wasn't too proud of me when i was in Bible college), but it was in the middle of my forehead. it was long too. i mean really long. ok. not long enough to pull back into a ponytail, but long enough to see from the side. thankfully it was blond, but how long was it there and did anyone else notice it? i pulled the hair out and just was amazed. it was huge! i am becoming one of those old men with hair growing in funky places. what have i become? i am planning on buying one of those nose hair trimmer things and just use it all over. now that is a mental picture everyone needs!

Monday, October 08, 2007

campusing...oh the joys of christian control

i found this today while cleaning out my closet. it made me laugh.. i am so glad they allowed me to eat.. oh to let you know.. i was 20 years old when this happened.. funny huh?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

a normal day in the office

yeah.. i have become lazy with my blog. i find it hard to write about the hard hitting moments in my life. i also have discovered that the pearls of life that i face.. many of you do not. i am a lone wolf with out a pack (hence the lone). nah... actually i am just so lazy. it takes a lot of thought to sit down and write something. even with adderall i can't do it. i would like to say it is because i am so busy at work, but between you and me.. i am so smart that i can do two things at once.. kind of like peeing and pooping at the same time. yeah.. i can do that.
a month ago i wrote about me having roids and how they were hurting me.. well i finally went to the doctor and i don't have roids! yay!!! oh wait... i have a tear in my anal passage from pooping hard poo.. ugh.. it takes two months to heal and it is painful. they also don't give you any pain meds either. it's insane. if it doesn't heal they are going to cut my anal muscle.. sounds fun huh? lol.. i have the butt of a 50 year old man. my dad and i finally have something in common. we both sit on a cushion.. ha..
the woolly worm festival is coming up soon and i can't wait. it's like christmas time for me. sure the Savior of the world wasn't born on this day and i don't get any presents, but a lot of my friends from high school come in for it. i love it... we also shut down the whole town for it. who else does this.. oh wait.. the surrounding towns do this too.. well.. we are better than they are. always have been.. and we worship a woolly worm.. not bees or honey.. that is so lame.
my best friend also moved. that kind of made me sad. he is a loser.. what about moving to a new job? nah. i am actually proud of him. he may actually be able to find a girl now. not that he couldn't here, but none of them were his type. either they were too nice or too trashy.. a happy balance.. we like to call flashy. he also gets to hang out with college students. so i am sure he will come off cool to them. until he forgets to take care of his eyebrows and they become eyebrow.
let's see..what else is there? hmm.. nothing i can really think of. just normal everyday life. i promise to someday actually sit down and write a deep blog about my struggle with the local church and how much i really hate southland bible institute.. that place should burn.. oh.. sorry.. that sounds like bitterness.. i am really not bitter.. ok.. maybe a little. i guess i am just annoyed at how they cripple the students... yeah.. they take bats and bust their kneecaps.. ok.. maybe not, but they come close.
i better get to work..

Monday, August 27, 2007

i have failed you.

i know i promised to have a blog up about my prom life, but real life seems to have caught up with me. don't get me wrong. i have not been overly busy... i just feel lazy. it's easy for some to sit down and vomit a blog, but not me. i must think and dwell upon the subject. i must search my heart and see if the truth of the matter is really there.
i also have a roid. i know this isn't neither the time nor the place to talk about such personal things, but i really don't care at this moment. i am in pain and i want to make it go away. i should post a pic, but i will not. it is far to disturbing.
through my research on the internet i have discovered that this roid comes from me reading several comic books in one sitting (no i didn't leave the h out). also from my true love of meat (makes your poo thick and hard). two things that i love, but i must give up until my pain leaves me.
oh wait. what is this? you are never really freed from roids? you have to have them cut out? oh my gosh. how do you ask off of work for that?
me " i have to take a few sick days for a surgery."
boss " really? what kind of surgery."
me "oh it's nothing major."
boss "okay, but what is it for? i haven't noticed you sick."
me "it's kind of personal."
boss "it maybe, but i think as your boss i need to know these things."
me "ummm... ok.. i am having surgery on my butt."
boss "to actually have one? i mean. you have lived you whole life without having a butt. surely you can manage?"
me "what? you don't think i have a butt?"
boss "no you don't. it's like nothing is there?"
me "that really hurts."
boss "truth is truth."
do you see where this could lead. maybe i should try the all natural stuff. oh wait... you have to give up meat forever and use only all natural soap, shampoo, and tooth paste.. screw that..
oh... i can let my doctor stick his finger..WHERE? and push it back in WHAT..?
i think i am going to learn to live with the pain..
so.. you see.. this is why i am unable to blog. lazy and i have a pain. i just don't feel like sitting down and writing. get over it.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

coming soon! PROM

many have been asking for it.. so now i am going to give it. just not today. i am too busy at work, but i promise soon...i will tell the story of "the proms". most have been to 2 and some 3.. i am up to 9 and it is growing. i will even have pics of my different proms. so please prepare yourself for the prom king (i really was the prom king my senior year. most of the time the handicapped people get it at our school, but alas... i beat him out of it. not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing).

Thursday, August 09, 2007

too many little time to tell them all

i know that it has been a while since i have placed my words and thoughts on the web to be viewed by the two people who read my blog. so as i sit in my office at work- i try to think of ways to tell the stories of the past couple of weeks. better yet- what should i leave out?... i could tell you about the most manly night i have ever had or pawl's (the man of honor) night before his best friend's wedding. there are so many other things floating around inside my head it is hard for me to latch on to even one of them. this could be due to the fact that i am out of adderall. i go today to get some more of my life giving drug this afternoon, but in this moment how can i possibly write out what you want to hear? should i just wait? should i just lay my head down and cry? NO! i will write as one who has not allowed their mind to be altered and force the words from my mind to my hands for the one's who demand more of my attention. this is for you baby (not really calling anyone baby.. just a term. so please don't think i am talking to you)!

let me begin with "the night of the manly men". it started on friday afternoon. my friend matt sevinsky(a very manly man with a thick neck. football player and all around stud according to the young girls that work with him at camp) and i (not very manly, but somewhat manly. sure i can spit, but it normally stays on my chin. i can however shoot a gun without blinking) were going into the big city of lexington. we had no clue what we were going to do, but we were going. normally when you ride in my car with me i control the music, but in my heart i felt like i should allow matt to take control. he was a visitor and he was leaving the next day to return to VA. he plugs his i-pod into the stereo and what do i hear? 80's music. ok.. i am not a huge fan, but for some reason it grew on me, but what is this? is he dancing? yes he is. i am not sure if it was because i was tired or if i was just amazed, but i found myself laughing as he danced. it wasn't very manly, but it was funny. on arriving in lexington i decided to get my comic books (another one of my manly features). during this time i noticed we had something in common. we enjoyed making fun of people. so between the dancing and multiple stops, we made fun of a handful of people that make life difficult. it was fun. we returned home early so matt could sing show tunes with my wife angie (odd i know. manly? i still don't think so). after a few songs we sat down to watch some good movies. cocktail and the bodyguard (yeah.. not very manly either, but they were funny to us). i finally went to bed around 6:45 after waking matt up on the toilet. not sure how one falls asleep on the toilet, but all things are possible.
i write all of this to say. i love the "dancing queen". if matt can dance and act like a complete fool and still be manly.. i can admit i love that song and also be just as manly.. can't i?

i admit. a lot of this story was edited for time sake. i am not sure when this AOC man is coming to talk to me about the computer i use in the courtroom... that is the only reason i edited it.. promise.

now on to part 2 of the man of honor:

we have all heard the stories of the maid of honor sleeping with the groom the night before the wedding. we have witnessed the shock as the truth is poured onto the ground like a nice cold bottle of zima (girl's drink).. everyone is disgusted and left wondering why?

well, my dear sweet brother in-law pawl fail to this great temptation, but with a twist.

his friend courtney was getting married and he was her "man of honor". she loves pawl and trusts him with everything with in her. she wanted him by her side on the day she gave her heart, life, free will , and bank account away. pawl stands beside her smiling, but what is this? the groom is looking at pawl, but why? i will tell you why. because the night before he shared a bed with him. that is right. the man of honor slept with the groom the night before. pawl claims nothing happened. that he went to bed and woke up with the groom.

"nothing happened." he says as if trying to convince himself and those listening.
oh pawl. how much i want to believe you. really i do, but these past couple of days i have realized you are not the man i thought you once were.
i know nothing happened with you and the groom, but i just don't feel the connection we used to have. remember when we used to copy our faces in sunday school? the times we would laugh at the pain of others (oh wait...we still do that). or how about the time we were playing that board game....what were the words you said? "come on ----oh.. i can't remember!
yeah.. this is a blog not on adderall... go ahead and say it sucks.. i don't care....

Sunday, July 22, 2007

my worst fears by "paint"

really.. i do fear these things.....

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

my dark past

there are a lot of things in my past that i am not proud to admit. like the time i pooped on the hallway floor because my brother wouldn't hurry in the bathroom (i was 3, but i still remember seeing it on the brown carpet and getting spanked. i wonder if i wiped before her hand met my butt?). those are things you would rather not share with the ones around you, but here lately it has come to my attention that there are a lot of people who know about something from my past that i am not proud of. so let me admit this before it has been twisted and turned into something else.
it began back in the sixth grade. i had discovered girls (b.j., heather, amanda, and jamie). i had also discovered that they liked to hear me sing. i was young and my voice had not changed yet nor had certain parts of my body discovered hair (armpits, perv). so i joined choir and the love with singing began. i noticed how some girls liked to sit and talk with me. how they would tell other girls how well i could sing (this is no longer true).
i had also noticed the love for the boy band new kids on the block. girls would scream and cry for them. they were loved by them. they could do no wrong. so it hit me. i can sing. i can learn to dance. i should become a new kid.
my face turns red even as i write this, but i must tell my dark secret.
i wrote to them and asked if they wanted a newer member. as you can tell.. they didn't respond, but still i tried. i even sang please don't go girl at a talent show and got a girlfriend out of it. a lot of the guys didn't like me cause i sang, but the girls did and that is what mattered at that time. little did i know that this moment in my past would follow me for years. that people would hold it over my head. so no more! this is no longer going to control me. i have over come my dream to be a new kid and God has forgiven me. I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and love me like you did before you knew how far i fell.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

the truck driver!

i told you i was going to put something up last night (hope you like it mike).

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

me and the hitchhiker

by now we all know i have a habit of picking up hitchhikers. it's something i do when i am a lone. i will never pick up someone with my wife or anyone else in the car with me. just to be safe.
this morning i seemed to be running late for work (have you ever noticed that even though your waist is getting smaller- your neck stays the same? it took me forever to button the top of my shirt to get my tie on). i was speeding (a little) when i saw a man with his thumb out, a coffee mug in hand, and smoke in his mouth. at first i thought "i don't have time and i hate the smell of smoke." yet the song i was listening to reminded me i should (yes, this will be an overly christian blog). so i pulled over and he jumped in. it is always awkward at first. i never know what to really say. thankfully he started first.
"this car must be good on gas?"
"nope. nissan."
this conversation then turned to deeper things. like who was i related to. where am i from. by the time i had reached town i realized who he was.
three years ago i "ministered "(i hate that term for some reason) to a young man after breaking his back. i spent almost every evening in his hospital/ nursing home room for a month(he was only a teen, but he needed a lot of care). he does not believe in God , but we became/are good friends. this man in my car was his father. a man whom i had never met in the month i spent with his son. a man who never checked on his son. i didn't like this man. i had decided that he was not a good father.
ok with that said. it became kind of cool to talk to this man. i had this image of a mean man who didn't care for his own child, but talking to him i realized he is just a man who is afraid of life. he doesn't know how to react to things in this world and he really has no clue how to live outside of his little box. now we had something in common. i don't know if this means anything to anyone, but it has helped me today. i need to learn to stop creating this image of people in my head. i need to learn to love before i judge. i need to just shut up and do what i am called to do. love.
(sorry to be so serious. i know.. it scares me too).

Saturday, June 09, 2007

my life

Friday, June 08, 2007


true story (well.... her being struck by lightning was all in my head) that happened today. my wife asked me not to "blog" about it, but she didn't say anything about drawing it.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

i am sorry

my posts have been a little blah lately. it just seems like nothing fun or major is happening in my life. sure i just celebrated my anniversary yesterday (yay!!! she has made it 2 years with me). we spent most of the day in lexington shopping, eating, and looking for a swim suit. i know... it sounds really romantic, but trust me. it was what she wanted. the day before that was sunday. we had church and youth group. both were fun.. well, i am not sure you are allowed to say church is fun. the way i have seen christians act doesn't lead me to believe church should be fun, but i have a feeling it is supposed to be. i know inside my head it is fun. i have a lot of funny moments in my head. most people will never see or know. which is good. i have a way of thinking of odd things. my mind never stays in one place too long.
when i am in the courtroom i find myself trying really hard to listen to what is goin on, but by the 10th case my mind is wishing i was able to read a book or be able to sleep. sometime i really have to focus on keeping a fart in. that is dangerous. we all have gas, but for some reason passing gas in court seems punishable.
so once again i say sorry for the lazy blogs.

Monday, June 04, 2007

things i hate

public bathrooms, smart mouthed people, anything tbn, stepping in dog poop, tlc (the channel), having to play poker with people who like carrot juice, people who wear tight clothes and they shouldn't be, christian bookstores that think left behind is still cool, leaving your zipper down, having to talk to that annoying person on the phone and not being able to get a good enough excuse to get off, sitting on the plane next to a person who smells, having to act like i enjoyed college, nosey people, fat women who wear stretch pants, baptists who think they are the only true belief, going bald, getting fat, running out of d.o. when i am running late for work, being made fun of, people thinking they are cool, people who quote movies too much, people who like certain things only because they are considered cool, boxers ( Z hehe), bossy people, scary women with big hair, and people who hate the woolly worm festival.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

my favorite things

soft toliet paper, comics, puppies with clean paws, fat people in sweat pants, short church services, lightening bugs, plant food, twinkies, cool hand luke, the scream movies, a/c, people who chew with their mouths closed (this means gum too), nice blue jeans, medium t-shirts that fit, free food, swimming pools, cartoon network, free preview week of the movie channels, law firm commercials, people who read my blog, my wife, her cookies, my youth groups, my house, my wonderful broken car, my internet at work, my pc, my books, and toothpaste.
soon i will have the things i hate.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

the man in orange

today i had a lot of things on my mind. work, my friend coming into town, youth group party, and a mexican restaurant. needless to say my mind was not on the road. while driving i passed a man hitch hiking.i came close to hitting him, but he didn't see it. i figured he was probably heading to town and it really wasn't that far of a walk..i was also running late to meet my friend for some mexican food. so i sped by, yet when i passed our eyes met. i felt bad.(i have a habit of picking up hitch hikers when i am alone. my mom says it is stupid, but my dad thinks it is cool). i turned around at the baptist church (have you ever thought it was strange that the baptist don't believe baptism saves, but the church of Christ does.. it seems like they would since it is in their name, but who am i to question such things). when i came back he hopped in my car and we took off to the big city of beattyville. we talked. i learned a little about his life and where he was from. the whole time i felt like i had met him before. i dropped him off at his destination and headed to mine. when i arrived at the mexican restaurant (which i actually heard a man complain about how the owners didn't speak english very well. if he has a problem with it... why go there? some people are stupid. sometimes i am one of them, but today.. no sir. i wasn't that retard). i was explaining to junior why i was late and how i think i knew this man. we both assumed it was from my days working at the hardware store. while stuffing my face and hearing junior talk about his girl problems it hit me. i know where i have met this man before. (if you don't remember i work at the courthouse and i am in all of the trials that take place in our wonderful city). i looked up at junior and said "he was in an orange jumper with chains the last time i saw him." that is right. i picked up a man that was in prison last week.
yeah.. sorry.. not very good story telling. i have not been sleeping much these past few days. it seems that i have been having weird dreams. dreams that wake me up in a sweat. i find it hard to return to sleep after i see the images of toy airplanes with cameras looking for me, while hiding in a box. praying that they won't hear my heart beating. yeah.. i need to stop watching so much television..

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

wrinkles and puppy poop

i am normally a pretty good morning person. i wake up to the sound of 3 alarms at random times between 5:30 and 6:30 (my wife has to set several different clocks to make herself get out of bed and repeatedly hits snooze). i got out of bed in record time this morning. i was out of the shower before 6:45 and i didn't cut myself shaving either. i try to give myself enough time to check my e-mail, watch some videos, eat breakfast, make my dog some eggs (laugh), and iron my clothes. yet somehow i almost ran out of time. first my shirt would not iron. i sprayed it down with water and had the iron as hot as i could get it (this is where you say my wife should be doing this for me). my tie would not tie straight (insert joke here). i was feeling stressed even before i had left the house.
when i went outside to feed my puppy....i stepped in poop. not good. then wondergirl jumped on me and put her paw prints so sweetly on my pants. i allowed myself to swear once (only once.. i promise. it wasn't a major one. it's one that you would hear in a PG movie). i actually kicked her. not hard, cause she thought i was playing. she kept doin it. i gave her the eggs and left. yet as i walked away i felt bad for kicking her. i went back and loved on her. ran to my car and took off. i got behind this really slow person. i tail gated them all the way to the high school (thankfully they turned, but waved). it was my pastor's wife..
so now i am at work waiting for court to start. we have over 200 cases today. so yay!!!
let you in on what i have learned this week.
1. you really can't lick your elbow.
2. you can't lick your own nipple (someone dared me to and i tried and i couldn't. this maybe something i shouldn't share).
3.puppy poop is not easy to wash out of dress shoes. matter how much water you spray; wrinkles do not come out. use more fabric softener.
5.farting in your desk chair makes it not as loud, but the smell will stick in it.
that's just a few of the things that i have learned so far this week and it is only tuesday. i can't wait to share what i learn today.
oh and i also learned that you have to be in church everytime the doors are open.. yeah.. i know. i had no clue. must be one of those things Jesus forgot to tell us about.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

favorite song lyrics

a little ditty about jack and diane
friends are friends forever
i don't want anybody else
i am a whore i do confess
back off y'all with less of that sex
hail to glorious old lee county
i'm the lucky one
the hills are alive
i wish i were an oscar mayer wiener
ok.. so most of these are not my favorite lyrics, but i haven't blogged in forever. some of my friends have complained because they have not been able to make fun of my poor writing skills and my lack of concern for the words i write. it seems that i have a habit of saying things that i shouldn't, but i find myself just saying what i think. like in this moment i wish i had some powdered donuts. yet it is better that i don't. i have lost some weight...even though one of my close friends likes to call me fat. i have tried to learn how to vomit, but i just can't do it. i should start going to bed early. i have to get up around 6 to be ready for work.
tonight i found myself at a bell concert. a bell concert.. let me say it again... a bell concert. i know.. i should stop being so wild and just stay at home at watch my america's next top model. yet my youth group was part of it. it was kind of neat watching them ring their bells, but i couldn't help but be annoyed by the hard wooden pews. comeon. i know i live in the country, but we have soft seats... my butt fell asleep half way through the lovely noise of bells felling the air.
an hour later we were free to go. on my way out my friend alan told me about his father's finger getting closed in a safe and the tip being cut off.. ugh... they are trying to sew it on as we speak..
ok.. i am finished.. i am seeing a commercial for heroes and it makes me happy... i have missed them.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

wondergirl is now part of my family

today i got a puppy... she is a mutt, but she is my mutt. she is only six weeks old and she weighs 15 pounds.. so she is going to be a big dog.

angie and i took forever to figure out a name for her. my little nephew jack thought about wilbur, but that is a boy's name. we thought of ethel, but that is an old woman's name. then it came to me... i am a comic book nerd... so i asked ang what she thought about wondergirl. she actually liked it. so now we have "dum dum dum dum!!!! WONDERGIRL!!! laugh. i know you want to.

Monday, April 09, 2007

anberlin is making me love them all over again

friday night i went out with a few of my friends (junior, angie, amanda, and tammy). ok.. so one of them is my wife, the other is my sister, but still friends none the less. while waiting for our movie to start (blades of glory. talk about that in a second). so we went out to eat and then like every red blooded bluegrass american, we went to wal-mart. while walking through the store trying to avoid making a fool of myself by laughing at the high school jokes jr and i were making i noticed anberlin's cities. i had forgotten about them having a new cd. not sure how that happened though. i mean.. they are on the front of relevant(you know the christian magazine that isn't really that christian) . i bought even though my wife rolled her eyes and said "i hope they don't scream." it was awesome. i only was able to listen to a few songs, but wow.. in my view... this is there best so far. even if he does move like a girl on stage. i love fin.
well, after wal-mart we headed to the movies. it was a nice little theater, but they were late showing the movie and all i could think about was having to work on saturday. yet when will showed his face on the screen.. i couldn't help but laugh. this may come as a shock to a lot of you, but i am not a huge fan of comedies. i find them boring. yet once you look beyond the gay undertone (nothing against the gay people, i just found it too over the top) will's normal humor.. it was a good story with a lot of heart. i did laugh out loud, but my wife did not. she was offended by the humor and the bare chested will...
yeah.. pretty boring blog i know. i am out of my meds. i found myself overly tired today. lastnight i could hardly keep my eyes open and i found a way to offend my best friend (still haven't figured that one out, but i feel bad. it was just one of those nights when no matter what i said to anyone they looked at me like was sticking a knife in there hand). today i was so out of it. i could not think fast enough, but thankfully i had to go somewhere and afterwards i headed home to sleep. i slept hard too.. i actually drooled. yeah.... i know.. sick. don't worry. if you stop by for a visit i would never let you use my pillow. it is soft, fluffy, and big. i will let you sleep with my Batman blanket. it is soft and warm.
i can't wait to get my meds. i feel like i am lost without a way home....nah.... i wanted to sound desperate for a second. promise not be so random next time or do i?

Thursday, April 05, 2007

understanding the day

after a long day of work i like to sit and think about what actually took place throughout the day. to focus on the moments i allowed myself to let someone in or shut someone out. to think about the times i asked God for help or cursed the man who asked for something that caused me to walk around the store and find it (to only tell me that is too much and then walk out of the store).
i wonder if God really watches the moments when i struggle to smile at the man who smells like he hasn't flossed his butt in weeks. i wrestle with the fact that He cares about the times i allow myself to let a curse word slip when i drop something on my toe. i know duke cares. he doesn't believe in idol words, but i didn't say buddha... i said s**t.
i look down at my feet and wonder if people laugh at my shoes. they look like oldman shoes. not really the cool kind that teens like to wear, but the kind my late papaw wore while shooting rats along the rock wall beside his house. i think Jesus would wear these shoes. ummm... i think. i guess my shoes are kind of cool. i think i will wear them to work again.
do i wish to be rich? somedays i do. i would like to buy a new car. the cd player is good, but i would like to have a huge truck. i work with a guy who drives a huge truck. when i ride with him i feel like a tough man. like i enjoy killing helpless animals and gutting them in the front yard for everyone to see my kill. yeah, a truck... that would be cool, but being rich would not help solve my problems. could it? nah... isn't God all i need?
the voice in my head says "ummm, your adderall has worn off. so ask me in the morning. of course you need to talk to your doc about a stronger dose."
my heart screams " yes you retard... He is all you need, but that truck is what you want.. so get it. angie won't care. so what if you will worry about your house payment.. God will always take care of you."
"is that really you?"
"then who is this?"
"dude, you just called me. what are you talking about?"
"oh yeah, sorry. i was talking to myself. i didn't realize you answered the phone"
awkward laugh...
it's hard understanding the day. yet, it is nice to think back and see that i won't have to relive it again. i hope.. that would suck. cause i don't want to have to smell that guy again.. that was just sick.

Monday, March 26, 2007

being nude and the bald man

my last blog i talk about my good friend dustin not remembering the present i got him for his birthday. as i look back on that moment, i can easily forgive him for his wealth of plastic turtles with weapons. yet i find myself thinking of all the moments that caused me to make a fool of myself. the moments where i either wanted to cry or curse. when my face would be blood red or the blood would stop flowing (normally due to him choking me for a laugh).

freshman year i was coming to terms with the changes my body was going through. the year before my voice had already changed, but i shed the extra pounds that circled my abs like the rings of saturn. i had also discovered the art to fixing my hair. no longer was i sporting the NKOTB (new kids on the block) look. i also was building up my confidence around the ladies. my first period class was gym (sure i may have been a gym teacher later on life, which was funny in it's self, but i sucked at basketball. i can't jump). b.j. ( my first teen crush) and some other girl that was pretty( but not worth remembering) was sitting on the stage. i was working my magic and the ladies were lovin my smooth talking and my sweet smile... next thing i know my pants fall to my ankles. they laughed and never had i been more thankful for long t-shirts. i turned to see who had caused the moment of victory to slip through my hands. it was dustin. my so called best friend.

time had past and even though more embarrassing moments happened, dustin's and my friendship stayed strong. we weathered the dreaded broken back, the sexual attraction to his girlfriend (i would have never confessed this if he would have told me they were dating. we were friends for crying out loud..why didn't he tell me?). even the campout trips with flying marshmallows and bottles of pee. yet he would strike again and my nude body would be seen by b.j. (this time she screamed).

it was on senior trip (the last real senior trip in the history of lee county high), and we were in chicago. we stayed in a cool hotel with a huge indoor swimming pool. one evening after a fun dip in the pool, i returned to my room. dustin was on his way out as i was removing my wet swimsuit. i told him to not let anyone in since i planned on drying off while watching the television. he agreed and walked out. as i stood there watching friends free as the day i was born, i had no clue what was taking place out side of the room.

you see as dustin walked out he ran into b.j. she was wanting to hang out and talk to me. she asked where i was and dustin told her i was in my room.

"it's open. so walk on in" he says.

as i watch ross and rachel break up for the 2nd time. the door opens and there stands b.j. looking at my nude body. she screams. i scream. she runs off leaving the door open(mind you, the hotel was set up in a way where all of the rooms faced the indoor pool and indoor court yard where many people sat and laughed and ate their dinners). so as i run to shut the door many other people see my glory and compared to others, the lack thereof. at that point in my life i had become very comfortable with my body, but still i was embarrassed.

a week later he convinced me to streak at prom. sure it got some laughs, but my poor sister was never the same when she saw her twin brother running around the schools gym with a smile on his face.

the last day of school i was speaking with my french teacher mrs.ross. she was sweet. she had blue hair. she also looked like she had been carrying a baby for 50 years (mark noe always called it the 50 year old fetus). as i shared that gentle moment with this blue haired woman... i felt a breeze and heard the laugh. dustin had done it again. my shorts were once again down around my ankles. this time it was not b.j. , but mrs.ross. a woman that i could not impress nor win over with my charm.

she just said "dustin" (add french/country accent).

if i were able i would have beat him, but since it took me awhile to pull my shorts up (due to the fact my boxers didn't have the button in the front and we all know quick movements could cause some outing of the willie or mr.woowoo).

so... dustin. i do forgive you for over looking surfs up michelangelo, but can i learn to forgive you for the humiliation that you caused over the years? if i were to write all of these moments down, it would be an epic novel more action packed than LOTR and filled with more twists than m.night moive. someday my bald friend ... you will be exposed.

(this pic proves i am not the only one to poop my pants)

Sunday, March 18, 2007

men will be men and pawl will be....ummm... a bride's maid

there once was a boy named pawl. he enjoyed making fun of a hall. the boy of his jokes, seemed to be favored by all folks and was in many weddings winter and fall. pawl never seemed to worry, but fate would smack him in a flurry and now pawl will stand with a woman in hand, but pawl would be the maid of honor and not a man.

this poem may offend some who love and know pawl, but i have to laugh when i think about him being the man of honor (maid of honor) in his friend's wedding. all of those times he made fun of me for being in weddings or singing in them... it has come back to him 10 fold. you rock that dress and don't forget to fix her train when she goes up to light the unity candle. (this is an actual pic).

Saturday, March 17, 2007

i have found a love for violence

most of you who know me, know that i love comic books. sad but true. if you mention anything to do with comics around me i will start rambling like an idiot about them. i have caused many awkward moments by talking about this deep love for heroes in capes and tights. it was always my escape from the world of worries and the constant pursuit of God's will. i was able to sit in my room or bathroom and read about the adventures of robin the boywonder.

(he has always been my hero. he was a kid that took on big time bad guys, but never let the darkness around him take him over.) comics can actually be very deep if you just read them. the stories are never ending and the good guys always have their failures and weaknesses. one of my favorite robin comics is when he allows a bad guy to die. yet months later he is haunted by the images of this man. telling him that he sent him to hell. something so real about something so fake.

last night i watch 300 for the 2nd time. this movie is based on a comic, but the comic is based on true events. the comic is dark and somewhat poorly drawn, but it still is an awesome comic. the movie is 10x better. i have never been a fan of war movies, but wow. i can't help but be pulled into this story of blood and violence. the comic book nerd in me screams "holy clashing of the titans, batman!" and the manly nature (i know that it is rarely seen) screams "ho ha".

i know that this makes me look like a bigger nerd, but if you were to ever see my office.. you would know i am a bigger nerd than this blog will ever show.

go watch 300.... you will love it. i may go for the 3rd time.. who knows. depends on if i can get my wife to see it or my father in-law. of course next weekend tmnt comes out... i used to be a huge tmnt fan. my friend dustin got me hooked on them in the sixth grade. he always had the cool toys. jerk.... i wonder if he remembers the time i bought him one that he already had...

Monday, March 05, 2007

we were all mad when bush listened in

i have never been one to feel like someone is watching me. nor have i ever had a hard time speaking my mind over the phone, but i should. we have all heard about how W. listened in on our phone conversations. sure it ticked some of us off, but it was for our safety... wasn't it? yet i have felt the pain of the invasion closer to home.
a year ago i spent some time with my brother in-law. we have always been good friends. i could trust him with anything (or so i thought). one night in his basement i opened up to him. sharing a story that had really affected me. as i poured out my heart, my friend, my brother recorded me talking about it. i wasn't too upset cause i thought he was going to erase it. 3 months later at a funeral a older friend walked up to me and said "this is the second time i have heard your voice today."
he went on to tell me how he went to my brother in-law's myspace and heard a song about me with a recording of me talking about pooping my pants attached. i had to hold back the anger that i felt. i forced a smile and just laughed, but inside i could feel the dagger in my back and his cold hairless hands holding it.
for years i have held this bitterness towards him. i have thought of many ways to get him back, but i could never sink to his level of trickery. nor could i take on the role of a two faced christian that has become so prevalent in my life. so instead of telling him how i feel..... i just smile. sure i am putting it on here for all to read, but he will just get a laugh out of this...WON'T YOU DANNY! ?
someday my kid is going to beat up your kid. here is the link to the song "my friend tommy".

Saturday, March 03, 2007


i will give someone $5.oo if they can tell me which set of feet is mine.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Thursday, March 01, 2007


it has come to my attention that some of my "ministry" related blogs have offended. i never set out to hurt some one's feelings. for that i am sorry. it is never fun for one to hear that they have hurt someone. so i say "sorry".
so please tell me.

Friday, February 23, 2007

shadows of flancrest

small shadows of this man
a man who finds pleasure from his hand
not the way a teenager may
but from typing his words for play
he accuses the mass of telling the world
while driving through the town with a horse unfurled
he laughs and believes he is the best
but he is nothing more than a shadow in flancrest

Monday, February 19, 2007

phoebe's darkest hour

today i heard some disturbing news. it's not a bodily function funny, but what the heck anger. today while visiting my doctor he told me about something that happened at his restaurant phoebe's. Friday night a baptist church rented the restaurant to have a special speaker. the cost was 30 dollars a plate (i should be baptist... they must be rich). 2 local girls were asked to help the speaker for the evening. the pastors daughter and a deacon's daughter. they were asked to paint their face black. the speaker also painted his face and look somewhat like a cross dresser. he instructed the girls to address the guests as "master" (add gone with the wind slave accent). the speaker talked with the same. through the evening he told his story. the same story saved through grace... yet why did he put down black people? it makes me ashamed to live in a southern state. makes us look evil and heartless.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

riding the mattress

it has snowed 3 inches. i know to my friends in the north that is not much, but around here that is a lot. last night i was unable to drive up my driveway. thankfully i have 2 driveways and i shoveled enough away to park. this morning i awoke to a phone call telling me church was cancelled. i cheered a little inside (forgive me). something about being lazy on sunday feels good. as a child i felt like i was letting God down by not going to church, but today i felt different. i spent most of the morning outside in the snow (of course it took me forever to find clothes to wear in the snow that wouldn't get wet and chap my thighs that like to rub together). we have 2 really good sleds and one snowboard. they are fun, but the one thing that really gets you moving fast is this plastic mattress we have. on the normal sled you only make it down one hill... i took a run and jump and made it down two hills and across the road heading towards the lake. nothing like sailing at the speed of light on a mattress...
i guess that was just one of those boring stories... nothing really else is happening. i get to go to the doctor tomorrow. yay! i just hope he doesn't want to touch my doodads. he has big hands and it is cold in there. he is also a very tall person and i am short...

Saturday, February 17, 2007

wal-mart and the looney tunes

one of my favorite weekend activities is to travel 45 mins to the (notice the "the") wal-mart. i live in a very small town and we do not have satan's chain in our town. so my wife and i travel almost every weekend to breathe in the low prices and cheap child laborer clothing. while walking down the aisles trying to help my wife avoid running into the woman on the jazzy (angie has a way of being rude without meaning to be rude. we fight when we are at wal-mart. she just doesn't think), i can't help but notice the different types of people i see. there are short ones, fat ones, and the ever loving looney tunes wearing sweat pants lover. (i know i wrote earlier about how much i truly love sweat pants, but my butt doesn't normally eat my shorts like this.)
i hope i don't sound rude, but i can't help but laugh at the ones who wear the tight sweats with their guts hanging out with a taz stretched two times his size. they talk loud on there cells and scream at their kid with out shoes.
ok... i should stop. i am becoming a jerk. i know that they live differently than me and Jesus loves them, but please... cut the kentucky waterfall (mullet) and for crying out loud STOP WEARING SWEAT SUITS IF YOUR BUTT IS BIG AND YOUR GUT HANGS TO YOUR THIGHS. i would want someone to tell me this... i am a good friend and i do love you. i just want what is best for you (and me).

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

the devil may have worn prada, but the preacher wore nail polish

as many of you know i work in a hardware store. mind you i am not the most manly of men. sure i like to spit when i need to. i do like to pee standing up (unless i am afraid that i may push something out). i also enjoy telling a fart jokes. yet today i met a man that made me feel so good about myself.
i was standing at my station when he walked in. he had a goofy smile and walked as if he could lift 3 times his weight. he slowly walked up to my co-worker and me. he talked with a deep voice and made sure we all noticed his chest hair meeting his chin hair. needless to say i was somewhat intimidated by him. he began telling me about the church he was pastoring. i never realized God could use such a manly man. then i noticed his nails. they had clear polish on them. why? is that something guys are supposed to do. in that moment i felt like the alpha male. sure my chest hair grows in patches and my voice kind of sounds girly when i laugh... yet... wait... nails are not polished. time to go work on a car and show my crack for awhile (that is what men do isn't it?).

Monday, February 12, 2007

beating my fears

for the past six days i have had the pleasure of traveling with my best friend matthew. i love to travel, but as some of you know i have a fear that takes the joy out of flying to chicago to l.a. ... it has crippled me for the past twelve years. most people don't understand, but a few do. while on this trip i suffered a major push towards facing my fear. i had been eating like crazy. it seems that when you travel with matthew food is free. it was wonderful. i believe i ate my weight in food. with that said... while waiting for the connecting flight to send us back to nashville it happened. my gut made a rumble and i knew my butt muscles would not be strong enough to hold it back. my worst fear was putting the pressure on.

(if you haven't figured out by now... i have a fear of pooping in public places. i can hold it for weeks if i have to. no, really i can.)

i looked at matthew with a bead of sweat on my forehead and said " i have to poop. if i don't do it now i won't make it on the flight." i walked into the restroom and it was empty. i slowly opened the door to see my cold porcelain enemy. i felt my butt pucker, but i had to work through it. as i took my place up on my fear i felt a warm power come over me. i will end there.

some of you maybe skeptical, but i took pictures to prove it.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

my affliction

if you have ever seen me in person you know what problem pains me day by day and hour by hour. it is one that cannot be hidden. one that you cannot help but stare at. my whole life i have tried to hide this curse that my father says i get from my mother. in public i try to cover it up, yet somehow it becomes seen.
when i was in high school i noticed the problem. i didn't really think it was a big deal until a friend "pointed" them out. he laughed and called me names. i tried to play it off, but there was no way around it. when i entered into college the pain followed. girls would laugh and the guys would point. even the president of the school made rude remarks.
now that i am an adult i have tried to embrace this unique character. but at the end of the day i am sad. my wife offten tries to comfort yet i see where her eyes go.
one day while speaking with an older lady at church, i noticed her eyes were not fixed on mine. yet she was boldly looking at what i worked so hard to cover up. i wanted to ask her to please look at my face, but i was afraid.
this is not something you find addressed in GQ or Men' Health. they even avoid the subject. i pray that someday someone will find the cure for my sickness.
what is this sickness i speak of? i blush to even mention it. the constant hardness of the nipples. laugh.. call me names... but please... don't look at them.

Monday, February 05, 2007

working at congeltons!

most of my adult (i use this term lightly) life i have worked in "full time" ministry. i have known the pain of putting up with some odd christians (southland seems to have a lot of them and they seem to follow me) and working with some pretty cool ones. i have been sheltered i guess you would say. i am not the legalistic type, but i was always around it. i would speak of the "lost" as if i were better than them. i think i did. i learned a lot about life while working at the ministry, but i never felt free. as christians we have a habit of judging. we speak of love yet show very little. we speak of the sinners and the hell that they are going to enjoy at the end of time. a sad way to think and far from Christ.
now that i am no longer with the mission i have found myself working in the "world" and i love it! i work at a hardware store (odd isn't it...well you should have seen me as a P.E. teacher) with some very cool people. they are not "christians" yet they love more than anyone i have ever met. my first day everyone came out to meet me. even the lumber yard men (i was scared of them). day after day i learn something new about these people. their lives and there faults. they learn mine too. i finally believe i am learning what it means to be Jesus. i am finally learning to live in this world and walk in it. the "lost" doesn't seem so lost anymore and i have found freedom from the judging eye of christians.
i admit... this was a little serious. sorry. it was the only thing on my mind at the time. i promise to start talking about body hair and farting. i have yet to show you the bodily functions side of me. i always heard "love can be understood in any language", but i believe it is farting. even a french man would laugh at a fart.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

my brother in bed with satan

how many of you are sick of the gas wars? do you find yourself cursing at w.bush? i once was like you. i hated to pull up to the pump and see the price once again jumping up and down like the fat man's belly running down the road. yet i have discovered it is not w's fault. nor is it the middle east's evil ways. WHAT?! yes, i have found the men and some women behind this great injustice to our nation. they are the ones who take your money at the local shell station. "oh please you must jest tommy". no my dear friend i do not jest.
back in 2006 my dear brother in-law pawl began working for this "family" based business. he slowly worked his way up the the ladder of slicks and pricks. he had made friends with such people called hollywood. he was living the good life. fast cars and women (well, not women...he seems to strike out in that area). sure he has to wear a red shirt with yellow trim on the collar, but trust me when i say... he is the one who controls the price of gas. it breaks my heart to tell the families shame. i just can't take it anymore. he was once a beautiful soul. he was my friend who had a hard time saying truck as a kid (he would say the f word instead.. it was so funny. we would always get him to do it on the bus on the way home from school). he was the one who taught me how to express my love through the music of bar chords.
i miss you pawl. please leave this evil company that controls the flow of gas. the power is not worth it.. ask sadam... sure you have power and the cream of the crop for co-workers, but it's not worth it. hollywood hasn't even been to dollywood..

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Mrs.PacMan and Pawl

many months ago i received the high score at the pizza hut in richmond. "high score in what?" you may ask. it was the classic game called mrs.pacman. i sweat away as my two brother in-laws (pawl and danny) watched and took photos of the monumental moment. cheers went up as i cleared each stage. first they meet. then the chase. then the baby. etc (not THAT etc john). it was a night i would not soon forget.

tonight after coming in a sad third in bowling- i returned to that same pizza hut on this cold night. walking past the famed game, pawl points out no one has beat my score. without thought i pulled a quarter from my wallet (yes i said my wallet. i hate change in my pocket. it gets in the way of my chap stick). the music feels the air as people rush back and forth to the restroom. pawl watches. he sees the flow of my hand over the joy stick. he calls out the fruits to aid me in the quest for the highest score. yet, my wife without thinking asks what i want to drink and i die.. yes i die. i blame her. so does pawl. she should have known i wanted a diet...look at this body.. what does it need?

tonight i was reminded of my secret lover... mrs.pacman.. so watch out pacman.. your yellow round woman will be mine.. (you will notice to the right my number one foe).

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Sweat on the gym seat

i have started working out more. trying to get this old body into shape. i am not going for perfect or cut. just a firmer body. maybe a few more veins ya know.. just a little to make you feel good about yourself. along this journey i have discovered two things.
1. the new diet may cause gas.
i have been eatting a lot of vegs. sounds healthy and good for a man my age. yet it really hurts my wife. when i have to run out of the bedroom to just fart in the hallway and she screams...."stay out there until it is gone!"
2. sitting at the gym.
after a nice long run and a strong workout it is not smart to sit down. you see when you workout your body begins to sweat. you can not only sweat under your arms or your brow, but your butt can sweat too. i knew this deep down, but i never thought it would happen to me. i sat down to talk to some other fellow hard bodies. when i stood up to go to my next workout i looked down and there it was ... the huge sweat marks from my butt... they both looked down at it.
(oh and the fellow hard bodies comment... yeah... that is a lie. they are fat.)

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

what to do


Monday, January 22, 2007

when the music fades

what does that mean? when the music fades? does that mean when it stops? when it dies? when someone at the soundboard slowly turns it down? i have just never understood that saying. have you ever had a saying like that in your head and never understood it? what are they? do they really matter? i don't believe when i get to heaven i will ask God what that saying means, but i do believe the music will never fade. and if it does something better will replace it. maybe like sweat pants being a cool thing to wear. i miss sweat pants. i mean, they don't really make you look that good, but they are comfortable. they also soak up sweat. so if you are fat that is a good thing. or maybe it will be shaving your name in the back of your head. yeah.. that would be cool. my mom never let me do that when i was younger. she said it was too redneck, but if you ask me. it was cool.. so yeah.. i am going to shave my name in the back of my head.
well.... i guess that is all i have. what do you have? anything?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

rock the mullet

i discovered an old pic. it is one of a lovely person. one who believed in tinted glasses and the mullet. sure he was a little on the heavey side. he loved jelly sandwiches and playing with action figures on the back of the toilet while pooping. in this pic we also see him sporting his baseball uniform. he didn't really care for sports, but he played anyway. he wasn't really that bad though. he was known to hit a few people home, but never really made it home himself. running caused him to sweat. he didn't like to do that. he played the most important position (left field). but sadly he left the giants to stay home and watch saturday cartoons. when he asked the coach if he could play in the shade, he was laughed at. sad but true.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Hair and Bald spots

i have this annoying habit. no.. i don't bite my nails. that is just sick. no... i don't scracth my butt and smell it. that is just funny. i cut my hair myself sometimes. true... i am going bald and i believe when you are going thin you should keep it short, but i still like to look nice. well... yesterday i looked in the mirror and thought.. " my hair needs to be shorter." so i took out the almighty clippers and began to cut and cut. normally i use #4, but no i used #2! what the heck! i used NUMBER 2...2...2??? so yeah.. i screwed my balding head up. i tried to do a fade and yeah... it didn't work out as well as my mind had painted it. i woke up early (10) this morning to get my hair fixed by a man named poodle. i asked him to just fix the sides and back. a simple task. while he was working on my hair i listened to the 2 old men who seem to always be there, but never get their hair cut. they were talking about the weather. About money. About the new leadership in the town. then the old man looked at me. his wrinkled toothless face smiled. he asked when was the last time i got any? got any? i asked. you know, rode the little lady? i was taken back by this man who could be my grandpa asking me when was the last time i had sex. i just smiled and laughed... praying and hoping poodle would hurry... while i dodged this man's question i noticed poodle was running the clippers over my head. i figured i must have missed a hair or two... he turned me around to look in the mirror and there it was... me looking like a state cop. my round face with the huge ears sticking out of my head. my father would have asked me if i were preparing to take flight with those ears... i paid the man and walked out quickly to my car. "it would grow back... right?" we shall see, but i had no hair.

i am sure you are looking at this and thinking it is a pointless story. you are correct. i read some of my former posts and i was sick to my stomach at my "teenaged" entries. i am going to focus on the lighter side of life. God will still be a huge part of my blog, but i want to focus on the moments that he allows me to laugh and learn. sad moments will come and i am sure i will write on those, but let's please laugh.

seems like i would have learned my lessons the last time cutting hair on my body. speaking of which... my nipple hairs have gone a little wild. (i even added a pic of the bad cut)

Thursday, January 18, 2007

razors and the burn

i admit, it has been many months since my last blog. i find it hard to write my thoughts and feelings out for the world to read. well.. i guess not the world. not many people know about this and i am not someone that everyone wants to know about.
so what has been going on you ask.. well, i have recently left the mission (YAY!). i am searching for a job and i shaved my butt... what? yeah i shaved my butt. i was looking in the mirror and i noticed that dark brown hair over my crack. without thinking i took out my razor and covered the top part of my butt with lotion and began to shave. we all know once you start you can't stop. i kept shaving.
when my wife returned home i showed her. her words were " you shaved your butt, but left the back hair?" that never crossed my mind, but i am not really willing to shave my back after feeling the burn i believe i am not going to shave anything else on my body.. well i may shave my face...
so, yeah that is what is new in my life. how about you?