Over the past 7 months I have had plenty of time to mourn the death of my sister. I have had time to come to terms with the fact I can't call and ask her a stupid question. I cannot send my oldest to sit with her in church when I need to deal with the youngest. Nor can I pass the youngest one to fall asleep in her arms while tending to an emergency on Lego Batman during the worship service.
It seems like I would have had time to realize the void that has been created. To notice that things will never be the same, but to live with it and praise God for the life she had lived. To embrace life to the fullest and to shed a tear of joy for knowing that someday I will see her again.
I have yet to reach the point of mourning. To find that spot where brokenness and healing meet, fall in love, have sex, and give birth to joy. To stand before the masses and announce the joy I have in the fact that she is with her Savior. She is whole. She has no more pain.... If I were to say those things now it would be as empty as her spot in the pew in front of me. Somewhere deep in my heart I know all of those things are true. I just wish they were tangible.
So where do I begin? Where do I find this healing that so many have told me about? I have searched for it in prayer. I have begged for it in song. I have listened to the stories of others who have faced the same tragic end. Yet it hasn't stuck.
Please don't get me wrong. I know there is healing and I know my Savior has made her whole. I also believe that He can make me whole again, but it hasn't happened yet... Why??? I am starting to realize it is not something I can force. I have to wait. I have to trust. I have to learn to believe.
I watch her daughter thrive and keep pushing. I sit back and watch in jealousy and in shame. Jealous because she has taken the death of her mother and turned it into something beautiful. Shame cause I have only lost my sister. She has lost her mother.
So I take a deep breath and keep going. I don't hide my tears, but I will not fight healing. I will allow my brokenness to meet someone else and fall in love. I will allow mourning to break through and I will not deny Christ the glory in her life. She would kick my butt if I stayed on this path.