inside my head

slipping on a desk

short story. promise.
the county attorney stopped by the office to refresh his memory on some legal stuff. there was no problem with him doing this. he really doesn't need any of our help unless the book he needs is on the very top book shelf. that is where i come in. i have to stand up on a desk and reach for them (i am not very tall, but i am not a "little person" either).
i happily told him i would retrieve the book of his choice (today has been a really good day and my mood has been kind of hyper). i walked into the back office and jumped on to the desk. once my feet hit the desk i slid. thankfully i was able to catch myself before i damaged myself or the bookshelf. someone had taken furniture polish to the desk!
as i stood there making sure i was ok, i turned to notice if anyone had seen my display of idiotic talents. thankfully no one was there, but i could feel the red on my face and the worry of falling off of that desk.
it's still a good day.. i just won't be jumping on desks anymore...

mri

yesterday was an exciting day for this little country boy.
it started around 5:45 when my alarm went off.
i hit snooze.
then i finally decided to get out of bed at 6. i had to leave the house by 6:30. normally i have my alarm set for 6:15, but don't get out of bed til 7, but today was a different day. i had an appointment in lexington. a little visit with a little machine called an mri. i am sure most of you have heard of the contraption. it is a machine my brother in-law danny cannot enter (due to his arvd), my mother in-law fears it, and my wife must avoid it until after jasper is born.
so i drag my body to the shower and quickly clean myself and put on fresh clothes. i am in my car by 6:45. i am running late, but i can make up for it on the road. i can speed and road workers are not at their jobs until 8.
i make it to richmond in less than 45 minutes, but i still have a ways to go to lexington (about 30 more minutes to the hospital). i am tired and i need a pick me up. so i stop by starbucks and get me a coffee with 4 shots of espresso.
i am back on the road in a matter of minutes, but wait.. what is this? i finally hit the interstate and it starts to storm?!
imagine this with me. huge semi's doing 85. my little focus doing 85. pouring rain. lightening flashing. the rain gets harder. i slow down. the semi's do not. they pass me as my windshield wipers try to keep the water off my windshield. the storm gets worse. the cars around me slow down to 45. the semi's flash their lights. i grow a little nervous just waiting for a semi to hit me. finally i make it to my exit.
i arrive at st.joe's a little late. i have a hard time locating the room i am supposed to be waiting. i don't know my BMI (body mass index). why they ask this question, i do not know.
finally i end up in the mri. it is loud and i am having a hard time relaxing. on of the sequences makes my right pec jump with each noise. 45 minutes pass. i am finally out of that machine.
tammy (the tech) comes to me holding a disc with pictures of my brain. i smile. i finally have a picture of my brain.
as i find my way through the maze of the hospital i see my wife's doctor. the man who is going to deliver our baby. his smile freaks me out. i am not sure why. i just don't think a man should smile that much when he is always looking at women's private parts for work.
15 minutes later i find my car. i am in a hurry. i have to find some ear candles for josh and rue, then head to work.
i pull up to the gate.
a recorded voice tells me to pay 50 cents to exit.
no problem.
i open my wallet. i have no cash.
dang.
"please deposit 50 cents."
i begin to search for change (this one sentence caused a lot of baptist to shudder).
i am throwing stuff left and right. finally i find 5 dimes. i put them in the machine. it spits them back out. it takes quarters only!
CRAP!
so i park my car and quickly walk back to the hospital. i pass this large woman smoking and cursing at her child. i smile. she glares. i feel fear build in my stomach as i look at her. is she going to kill me? is she going eat me? is she going to smoke that in front of a no smoking sign?
i run to the coffee shop in the main entrance. i get my quarters. i run to my car. where did i park? 5 minutes of searching. i finally find my car.
"please deposit 50 cents".
i slip the coins in and leave.

i tell this long story to say... i have finished all of my work this morning. i had plenty of time to sit down and right out a long unimportant blog. it's nice to have days like this.

countdown to becoming an old man

soon i will be 30. i will have to give up the things that i once loved.

relevant magazine (it is geared toward 20 somethings).
saying things like "bro" and "dude".
hanging out with kids from my youth group (it just comes off creepy).
reading comic books in public (this should become a closet sport).
watching anything on mtv (since i am becoming more mature i should view that channel as filth, but secretly watch it).
take up more mature reading materials (step away from the christian self help books and start reading autobiographies).
take all song lyrics off facebook, myspace, and e-mails.
fix relationships that i once ignored (ummm.. maybe not. there are a few people from southland i would like to forget and a handful that are not related to my fundi past that would be better off forgotten).
stop telling fart jokes.
stop talking about poop.
stop laughing at perverted middle school jokes.
learn to keep thoughts to myself even when i know they are going to make everyone around me laugh.
refrain from making fun of people (this will be hard. a lot of my friendships are built around making fun of people).
i must give up cartoons!!! which will be easier since the avatar was cancelled.

this is just a small list of things that a 30 something should avoid. i am sure as i mature i will discover a larger list.

realizing i am old

this past weekend i went to the movies with a few of my younger friends.
what started out as a short drive turned into an all night "adventure" (only word i could think of that wouldn't be offensive to them).
the dark knight was sold out until 10:50. so we went to barnes and noble and hung out for 2 hours. this didn't bother me. i love books and gosh darnit they love me too.
from there we went to best buy. this is a huge temptation for me. i love music and i was surrounded by good deals and some hot music that i thought i would need. yet i was strong and avoided purchasing the lovely noise.
from there we headed over to the theater. while the rest drove brad and i walked. we need to catch up. since he graduated i felt like i haven't talked to him in years. he has always been a good kid, but has a way of getting himself into trouble.
i finally find my place in the soft seat and was ready to see my hero kicking butt...
8 previews later i get to see the movie..
it was awesome. i couldn't believe how good it was. as a comic book nerd i only had a few complaints... i wanted to cry, clap, and scream. it was beautiful. thankfully you can't tell that it is heath playing the joker... so the movies can go on.
as we are exiting the theater i hear my good friend the beast suggest getting something to eat.
it is 1 a.m.!
mcdonalds?
they are closed.
taco bell?
that food makes me sick.
the waffle house!
dear God i am never going to get home.
we sit.
we eat.
we laugh at the drunk man.
we finally leave to go home.
after a long drive and listening to the worst music ever placed on this earth, i arrive at my car. it is 3:50 a.m. ...
i drive as quickly as i can to get home.
i lay down at 4:04.
8 a.m. i recieve a text.
i ignore it.
10 a.m. a friend calls.
i refuse it (won't be the first or the last time).
i lay in bed until 1. i realize i am getting old and i need my sleep.
i take a deep breath and slowly get out of bed. my body hurts. my mind is slow. i am old. i am old and sore. i am my father.

the dark knight

oh my gosh, i think i am going to wet my pants....

wow... DEAR GOD!

Dear God,
Thank you for bearing me to a broken family. Thank you God for birthing me to an abusive father. Thank you God for infilitrating my culture and raping any sort of history and tradition that my family’s race had and leaving us sublimated to the power of the elite. Thank you God for allowing me channels of ill-supposed-truth to open my eyes to the untruth that is taught in the belief of you. Thank you God for the anomaly that is New York City and how it opened not only my eyes but my inner-man to the depths of what humanity is.
Thank you God of ridding me of God.
Remoy Philip, New York/USA

when a woman can't get her guns back

today in court i witnessed something odd... sure i witness a lot of odd things in court, but this one i doubt i will be able to forget.
the elderly woman stood before the judge requesting her guns be returned to her. when the judge brought up the fact that her husband is convicted felon she started to cry. when the judge also pointed out that she has had several run-in's with the law, she started to sway... not in words, but in body. she laid her head down and before i knew it.. she was on the floor.
the judge stood up and called a recess.
the woman didn't get the guns.
i got to take an early lunch.
the woman walked out of the court without help.

the office is no more

if you have ever been to my house you would have seen my office/guestroom... what many call the "batman" room. it was covered in a lot of my comic book stuff, had some really good books on a desk, and was very dark (you could sleep all day in there). it was my hiding place. it was my own room. it was my favorite place in the whole house.
this is hard to say...
yesterday i had to empty all of my stuff out of my room. i took down my batman curtains, all of my pictures, boxed up all of my books, cds, and a few action figures (toys to you laymen). i have to make room for my son, jasper. it was hard and sad, but at the same time it was kind of exciting. soon i will have a little baby boy. a son who will carry on his father's love for people in spandex. at least he better.
my wife hopes he loves sports. i hate sports. i hope he hates math. she loves math. we will see who wins. i think it is me hands down. who grows up loving math? well, besides my wife?

on a different subject: i burned the hair off of my right hand. it seems like i would learn to stop throwing lighter fluid onto fire, but those dang boxes would not burn without it or so i tell myself.

on another different subject: batman comes out this weekend!

yet another different subject: i think i forgot deodorant this morning. wait.. no.. i didn't. thank goodness.

what i have discovered

peanut butter and jelly is not part of a well balanced diet.
reading a book with the f-word is not accepted by most churches.
just because you have lost weight doesn't mean you should wear a speedo.
doing image searches is not wise in court ( dennis looked up "poop").
i have funking shoulder hair.
some people are not meant to be funny (debbie downer is not a friend of mine).
it is hard to find music that paul likes.
a2's car has a small tank, but rides smooth.
when my friend's fast i think they are spiritual.
when my friend's curse while fasting i think it is funny, but so wrong.
when i try to fast, i last for an hour. i loves my twinkies.
crazy people aren't the only one's who hear voices.

what the?

random madness... that is what i am calling my life.
i come in straight from vacation to a week of court. i am not complaining. ok.. maybe a little. i am just having a hard time focusing on the things i need to do.
1. i need to get to work on jasper's room.
2. i need to visit robert.
3. broke a promise to visit brad.
4. find a way to enjoy "ministry minded" things again.
5. mow my freak'n yard.
6. figure out if we want to have robbie seay back.
7. figure out what i am going to speak on at dustin's camp thursday night.
8. teach myself how to juggle.
9 shower.

in all honesty i am having a hard time focusing on anything at all. i have avoided phone calls, praying, sleeping, and once in awhile eating (not very often).
this goes to prove that adderall isn't a cure all (is that one word or two?).

i am hoping tonight i can visit robert and take care of some issues up at mountain mayhem. well, try to take care of them.

home

i am finally home from vacation, but i am also at work...
trust me though... i have some funny stories to tell...

hmmmm... i didn't realize this was our mission

"The church has to be the one to be the voice of conscience to the world and can't be afraid to be that," he said. "It has to speak to politics and the policies and the politicians and to raise those questions, or we're not faithful to what our mission is. " Father Michael Pfleger

i really thought Jesus told us to love... not control everything... maybe i am wrong or i am reading the wrong Bible. it still doesn't sound or feel right.

i forgot to attach this picture from the other day

thanks for the picture tommy minton!

did you know ?

that 90% of all christians believe in nessy, but they don't believe in deviled eggs?

anti-christian christians who love to be different

i just thought it would be a catchy name for a blog. i really have nothing important to say, but who really does these days? well, i guess a few people do, but i am not around them.
i wish i had a really cool story to share, but i don't. i just have me.. little ole' me. i guess i am really not that little. i am kind of big. well, not fat... just a little over weight. i have a small gut. a lot smaller than it used to be, but nonetheless a gut. i have started to workout hard 3 days a week with josh. i am really starting to feel the pain and i am not a huge fan of pain.. never have been, but i guess it is a good thing.
on a really good note... i don't have court for a week! yay!!!! a whole week. of course the week we don't have court i am going to be at the lake of the ozarks and so hopefully i will be soaking up some sun and getting a better tan. i have the farmers tan going and it is pretty sad looking.
i believe that i am fully british (well, not my teeth they are straight and white)because i am so white. it sucks being this white. i get burned like a ginger and when the burn peels i am white underneath.
this really is a pointless blog. i should learn to focus on more spiritual things.
................
got nothing. maybe i can find a church billboard to make fun of on my way to richmond tomorrow.

lunch

josh and i get to eat lunch at the lee county prison today... not the jail, but the prison.
be jealous... be very jealous... while i am nervous..so very nervous.

i have become a working fool

i am in court again today. it's kind of boring. it's taking them forever to get on with this trial. everyone likes to argue and make a big deal out of nothing.
i didn't get to work out last night. i am supposed to this evening, but i maybe here again for a long time... that sucks...
my dog returned by the time i made it home from court. that made me happy. that stupid neighbors do is driving me insane. he always gets her to run away.
well, i guess i should end this before i start rambling more and more about myself and how wonderful i am...

still waiting

i am still at work. it is 8:30 pm and the jury is still out.
someone pulled the fire alarm and all of the firefighters got excited, but were let down when it was a false alarm.
i gave away my last pudding pack to this weird person who works for the court system. i am still unsure how she ate it. she didn't have a spoon.
angie called to tell me wondergirl ran away with skippy again. this is the second time this has happened at the hand of angie. should i start to take the hint?
i didn't get to workout. now i have to make it up.
people mistake things said on the internet and i end up getting annoyed with the fact that i have a myspace that doesn't work properly.
i received a cool pic on my phone, but i am unable to upload it on the works pc. i want to share it. maybe when i get home i will be able to.
i just realized i need to mow my yard sometime this week before i leave for the lake. i want to curse, but i bite my tongue and think about the dinner i should be eating, but can't because of a jury who takes their time figuring out what to do.
i am not complaining. i promise. just killing time by writing a blog. it's much easier than actually doing some of my work sitting on my desk.

let's take a break

those are the words i long to hear when i sit in the courtroom.
why?
1. i drink too much water.
2. i eat too many veggies and it gives me gas (heck, who am i kidding? i always have gas).
3. i have a hard time keeping a straight face when people give lame excuses to why they do the stupid things they do.
4. i can't remember if i locked my car.
5. i can't remember if i locked my keys in the car.
6. i shouldn't have eaten that candy bar (now i feel sick).
7. there is a person on the jury who freaks me out and i don't like them looking at me.
8. i still have to pee and it's getting to the point where if i cough, it's all over.. and i mean all over.
9. i would rather be at home or maybe sitting in the sun (really need to get that good tan before i spend a week on the water).

i wish i had a number 10, but i don't. i do know that i am supposed to workout tonight and i really like to get that over with so i can complain about the drill sergeant that yells at me (well, he really doesn't yell.. he just pushes me and i am a wimp and don't like to be pushed).

missing dog part 2

today as i was getting ready for court to start i received a phone call. it was my neighbor calling to tell me wondergirl was home! i was really excited, but i have not been able to get to her yet. i am sure she is really hungry and she wants her owner there with her.
so to the lady who said my dog was eaten by coyotes... YOU WERE WRONG! God bless!

now if i could just get out of court. it seems like it is taking forever, but it actually is going faster than i thought it would. i have a lot going on tonight... so please let me out of here. i am also getting sick of wearing a tie.

missing dog

as many of you have already read, my dog is missing. she has been gone for over a week. it makes me really sad to not have her. she was the best dog ever and a good friend. she always had a way of making me smile. i am not sure if it was because she was always smiling or because she loved me more than anyone else.
monday i put an add in the paper (the paper comes out once a week..so no one saw it until today)with her picture hoping and praying someone has seen her.
so as i sat on my chair just typing e-mails away, when i received a phone call. it was this woman whom i have never met, but she seemed to believe she had found my dog.
woman: hello? tommy hall?
me: yes, this is he (i actually said that. i am not sure why, but i did).
woman: are you the lawyer?
me: no. i just have the same name as the former commonwealth attorney (this has happened a lot. i live in a very small town and there are 3 tommy halls).
woman: oh, well i think your dog is here at may's subdivision.
me: really? (i found this odd since may's subdivision is kind of far away from me, but who knows how far a dog could walk within a week?)
woman: yep, is she a blonde retriever?
me: no, she is a gray and white husky mix aka mutt.
woman: ah, i was really hoping it was her, but to be honest, your dog was probably killed by coyotes. that happens a lot..so i am sure she is dead by now.
me: oh, i didn't think about that (what? why the heck call and tell me this? couldn't you tell from the flippin picture she was a gray and white dog and the last thing i wanted to hear was that she was torn to shreds by some wild dogs?).
woman: yeah. it is a sad thing. well, have a good day and God bless.
me: you too (God bless? who says this after telling them such bad news? like throwing God's blessing out there will take the fact away that you told me my dog is probably dead) and thanks for calling.
i still haven't give up hope. i like to imagine her finding a lonely kid and making their life so much better. like a kid who has no friends cause he moved here from a big city and everyone makes fun of him because he has bright red hair and some weird skin problem. she is loving him and helping him become a more out going person and that when school starts everyone will love him, all because wondergirl came to him and helped him become a better person.

now, the rest of the story

i am sorry it has taken me so long to tell the story that i hinted about. life has been a bit insane. work is overwhelming, my dog has been missing for 4 days and i am really sad about that, my friend tommy has been in town (really thankful to get to hang with him), i have a jewish/christian wedding, and on top of that i have a festival to work at this weekend... yet life is really good. trust me on that. well, don't trust me, but i shouldn't complain..
ok.. now the story.
while at pigeon forge i got a tattoo. not very big, but big enough to make me happy and angie uncomfortable.
after many hours of debating, i decided to go with my hebrew tattoo. i have a few favorite songs that talk about waiting for a rescue and needing to be rescued. so, i got rescue on my left wrist. i am going to try my hardest to set up the scene for you.

southern quick draw: what can i do for you?
me: i would like a tattoo.
sq: where?
me: my wrist.
sq: of what?
me: a hebrew word.
sq:have you been drinking?
me: no.
it takes a few minutes for us to get started and actually to find away to get a picture of my tattoo, but after 20 minutes we get it.
paul and chris are patiently waiting for me.
i walk up these stairs and see a woman getting elvis tattooed on her right breast bone. a cold shiver runs up my spin.
the artist looks at me and pats the seat. my mind flashes back to the first haircut. i was nervous, but ready to get rid of my blonde curls that made me look like a girl.
so i sit down and this tattooed covered man begins to shave my arm. he doesn't wet the razor, but he does put alcohol on after he shaves me. then he puts the design on my wrist and i start to get nervous.
i hear all of the voices from my friends who have tattoos.
"it hurts."
"it's annoying"
"i cried!"
"i wish i would have never got this."
i felt sweat run down my face. he turns on the tattoo gun and he sticks it in my flesh. it hurts a little, but not that bad. i actually watch him carving into my flesh. i begin to enjoy it. then he moves closer to get a better look. his left pec is resting in my hand. i try to ignore the fact that i am cupping him. then he moves to the middle of my wrist. he hits a nerve. my thumb starts twitching. i am rubbing his nipple. i can't stop. i look at him and tell him i am sorry. he doesn't care.
"it's all right."
an awkward moment, but it soon past. within 10 minutes he was finished. i had my first tattoo.
now i have to put lotion on it every 2 hours and wash it with hot water every 5 hours, but i have it. angie finally gave me what she promised 2 years ago.
time for me to head home and get ready for the wedding.

got it!

it only took 10 minutes and it didn't hurt.
i will tell the story later, but it has an ipod, man boobs, and lotion in it..

i have a headache

that is what i said.. i have a headache...
what do you have?
the most pathetic thing i have ever done was to deny pawl a blanket.
well, i am not sure that is the most pathetic thing i have ever done, but it comes close. there was this one time i cut an old lady off in wal-mart to hurry up and get out of there, but i am pretty sure she was blind and had no clue.
i have also made fun of this man at family christian bookstore without him knowing. i should feel guilty, but i really don't. tell me to feel bad about what i did to those people, but don't say it too harsh. i don't want feel too bad about myself
now back to my little vacation. i am sure we will see a lot of old people when we go out into the city.

saturday night fights

this weekend was kind of stressful for me. i am not sure why. it could have been the fact that i realized camp is getting ready to start and really miss working there sometimes. the whole atmosphere of camp is comforting.
it could have also been the fact that i cut a huge hunk out of my thumb (i am not going to go into that story. it's not a manly one).
the point being... i was in a bad mood.
later on that evening ang and i went to her parents house. we were all sitting around and her mom asked what we all wanted to do. i of course suggested ice cream (i love my ice cream). we drove forever trying to find a place to get good ice cream. we ended up going to DQ. don't get me wrong i love blizzards, but i was really wanting real ice cream. not that sick stuff that comes out of a bag.
on the way home my brother in-law paul started picking on angie. he was pointing out how she will never let me get a tattoo.
a little back story:
3 years ago tomorrow angie gave me money for a tattoo for an anniversary present. i was happy. i was finally going to mark my body for the dead. i mean.. i was going to get a tattoo. something simple. but before i was even able to put the money in my wallet she said "we do have some bills we need to pay."
that was the last time i had a chance to really get a tat.
now back to this past saturday:
paul kept pushing angie and she finally said "if he wants one, he can go get one."
i couldn't believe what i was hearing. could this be true?
within 15 minutes paul and i were on the road heading towards richmond.
i forgot to mention that my mother in-law told us to call before we left. she figured they may be closed.
i laughed and said that tattoo shops must stay open late. surely she had seen many television shows were people would get drunk and come back with a tattoo with the name spelled wrong or something stupid?!
on the drive there we talked about the different things that could go wrong. how i would end up getting the wrong tattoo or i would get ran over by a car right after i get it.. just funny stuff.
we arrive in richmond and the shops are closed. i couldn't believe it, but we decided to go on to lexington. there were a lot of shops there and they would be open. WRONG! i called every tattoo shop in the phone book. everyone was closed.
i couldn't believe it. angie finally caved in and i still wasn't able to get the ink in my flesh.
the television lied to me...
this blog is all over the place i admit. i may have forgotten to take my adderall or it could be because i received a phone call from my friend singing me a love song he wrote. or maybe it is because i have court again today and i don't feel prepared.
whatever the case. i am sorry for the jumble, but don't fear... next week you will see pictures of my tattoo on here.

a little serious

work has taken a turn for the stressful, but i still love it. i never thought i would enjoy working in the court system so much. i just never thought this job would turn into me digging deeper into court cases and having to learn legal terms. i still have yet to fall in love with wearing a tie, but that is ok.
i have also been trying to do some "soul searching". trying to understand God more and find the passion that i once had for serving people. i have kind of lost it. i am not sure if i just have fallen into the trap of living a normal life or just become lazy and hard to the ways of God.
whatever the case maybe... i need to get my act together. a lot of this may have to deal with the fact i am going to be a father soon. it scares me, but i am looking forward to it.
ok.. enough of this serious crap... i had a friend buy pillow shams. SHAMS! what man buys pillow shams? i can't help but laugh at him, but honestly i think he isn't sure what they are used for. i believe he will become annoyed with removing them and putting them back on everyday. next thing he will be buying a shoes that sweep your hardwood floors.
today i am only working half the day. we are closing the office early... so now i am trying to get my mind in gear to do some more yard work. it is really odd.. i find myself daydreaming about what i can do to make my yard better. i need to get some creek bed rocks and some more flowers just to make the yard look alive.. i also need to do some more shoveling of the dog's poo.
i am bored with this blog.

the art of being an idiot

there are many things we call art.
painting
dancing
singing
playing an instrument
writing poems
photography
to name a few, but many don't realize that being an idiot is an art. it is an art that i have mastered. not many people can get out of a tough spot by just giving a blank stare like i can or throw a bunch of words together to lead someone to believe you actually care about their life. i do often and i do it darn well.
i guess i shouldn't be so proud of this art. it is not one that most people flaunt and honestly i am not really flaunting it. i am an idiot remember. so therefore i am just sharing what i do well. and that is being myself. so maybe it is more a way of life than an art. hmmm.. i may have to dwell more on this as i sit in court and stare into the computer screen. sounds like a plan.

surprise

today was the first day i had the pleasure of mowing my own yard (the boycott of touching a mower ended). i thought about the many different ways i could tell the story, but i thought a picture would do better...
wondergirl kept me on my toes or should i say, found a way to fill in the gaps between them.

dodging butterflies

many of you know i have a twin sister. she is a lot different than i am. for one, she is a girl (no smart remarks or middle school comebacks please). second, her personality is a lot different from mine. where i am more out spoken and rarely find a way to keep my thoughts to myself; she is quiet and shy. she is soft spoken (unless you piss her off) and she keeps her thoughts to herself.
every time i ride in a car with her i become nervous. not because she is a bad driver, but because she breaks for every animal. dogs, cats, birds, and butterflies. don't get me wrong. i try to avoid hitting animals, but butterflies? they are hard to avoid. it's like they congregate in the middle of the road. if i were to try to avoid them all, i would end up over a hill.
yet (yes, this is where it becomes and even odder...ha.. otter.. blog) i found myself dodging butterflies yesterday. it was a reflex. i didn't realize i was doing it until i almost hit a car. i am not sure if tammy has influenced me or if it is a twin thing and she is able to take over my body without me knowing. that would explain why i ate so much the other night...
but dodging butterflies? what kind of man does this? a girly man? a loving man? a godly man? maybe just a complete idiot. i am sure i will stick with that one.
i admit it has been awhile since i have really stopped to write a good post, but i just can't seem to find the time. i am getting scared. i think i am becoming an adult. it could be due to the fact i am going to be a dad in a few months or maybe because i am going to be 30... whatever the case.. i hate it.
two nights ago i told angie i was going to give up some of my comics so we could have extra money for jasper. i couldn't believe what i was saying. i love my comics. sometimes more than i love life it's self. if i start selling my action figures online.. please someone step in and stop me. that is just insane.
also, this weekend begins the mowing of my yard by-dum dum dum.... myself. it makes me sick to my stomach to think about, but some times you have to step up and be a man or your wife tells you to buy a mower cause she is sick of paying the neighbor to mow. not that scott doesn't do a good job, but we are saving money... but i am losing my innocence in the process..
well, i hope you all have a wonderful day. i know i will.

trials and a trial

looks like i am going to be spending my week in the courtroom. don't get me wrong. i love sitting and listening to people try to get out of the crimes they have committed, but i just get bored with the doodles i do. i need to learn new ways to draw. i normally do the side profile thing and give them the pooch lip... a lot of people think they look cool until they realize that is all i draw when i doodle.
maybe i should start working on skull tattoos and rebel flags (kidding). then i would really fit in with the crowd i am hanging out with in court.
i think one good thing that is coming from me being in court is that i don't have to deal with my full inbox. it is the best excuse for not returning e-mails. of course i don't do that to any of you. i always write you back when i have a chance. honestly. i was busy in court and when i was at home i was busy cleaning my office. i will return your e-mail when i get a free moment. promise!

movies i should never admit to watching

supergirl
attack of the killer tomatoes
dumb and dumberer
she's all that
spider-man 3
batman forever
batman and robin
catwoman
scream 3
epic movie

dangers of growing older

for the past couple of days i have started to realize how much i am growing up. i no longer find as much pleasure from watching cartoons as i used to. i am not talking about farting as much as i did before. i have lost time to day dream. work is getting harder and i am taking on more now too.. i don't laugh at people getting hurt as much either!! i know.. it freaks me out too.
i have started to really look into my faith as well. all of my life i have been surrounded by the safety net of the church, but here lately i have started to question a lot of my childhood teachings. some think that it is dangerous, but how am i supposed to make my faith my own if i don't question?
it is really sad. i have always fought getting older. i wanted to stay 25, but walking in reverse didn't keep me from aging. just made my legs stronger.
it could be worse. i could be getting shorter. that would suck.

shadrak, meshak, and abendigo ?

Jon Super, Associated Press

By PAUL WALSH, Star Tribune

Last update: May 9, 2008 - 1:26 PM

Featured comment

Rules to be followed
In the 1950's the Supreme Court said separate was not equal. Yet many states maintained laws to keep the races separate. Looking back we … read more aplaud the young people who challenged those laws, sat at those lunch counters, refused to move to the back of the bus, etc. Why? They were in "Rome" shouldn't they, as another commenter wrote, "done as the Romans did?" Am I really comparing these kids to blacks in the South igniting the civil rights movement? No. But this is still an issue that the Supreme Court has ruled on and the SCHOOL is not following the rule of law here. Those of you that would insist that kids be MADE to say the pledge... to be honest, you scare me a little. The pledge means so much more, when it is done of your own free will. As for those who are more disappointed in the parents for supporting their kids in this... A parent that supports their kid in this does not concern me. It is the ones who insist that their kid wasn't at the party drinking, or who twist teachers arms for grades, those are the ones that get under my skin.





"My son wasn't being defiant against America," said Kim Dahl, mother of one of the students, Brandt, who attends Dilworth-Glyndon-Felton Junior High School in western Minnesota. She said her son offered no reason for sitting.

Brandt told the Fargo Forum that Thursday's one-day in-school suspension, "was kind of dumb because I didn't do anything wrong. It should be the people's choice."

Kim Dahl said the "punishment didn't fit the crime. If they wanted to know why he didn't stand, they should've made him write a paper."

She said that Brandt has not been standing all year, and "all of a sudden it became an in-school suspension."

The district today is defending the punishments. The school's handbook says all students are required to stand but are not obligated to recite the pledge. The same is true for all four schools in the district, a school official said.

"These three [students] didn't, and they got caught," said Mel Olson, the district's community education director. He said he backs the punishment, "being a veteran and a United States of America citizen, absolutely." Olson served in the Marines in Japan during the Vietnam War.

The head of the Minnesota American Civil Liberties Union said that the school's actions against the students are unconstitutional.

"The school can't do that; that's illegal," said Chuck Samuelson, the civil liberties group's executive director. "Wow."

Samuelson said that numerous U.S. Supreme Court rulings dating to the 1940s say that "students who refuse to participate in the pledge cannot be punished for refusing to participate."

Samuelson said he's surprised that any public school district would have such a pledge requirement. In St. Paul, said district spokesman Howie Padilla, "Students can respectfully not participate in the Pledge of Allegiance."

Olson said this morning that a "very nice announcement" was made at the start of the junior high's school today reminding the students that they must stand for the pledge.

Principal Colleen Houglum said that all students this morning were "involved in some fashion" during the pledge, adding that no additional suspensions were needed.

"Our social studies teacher led the pledge, and that was kind of a nice change of pace," Houglum said.

Kim Dahl asked Brandt why he has remained seated all school year, but "he didn't have an answer ... he doesn't get in trouble; he's just a normal 13-year-old."

As for today, she told Brandt to take his cell phone with him to school and text her should he run into trouble again.


"I said you should probably just stand if you're not protesting something."

Paul Walsh • 612-673-4482

family christian bookstore

yesterday i was feeling kind of down. i felt unloved, unattractive, and unwanted (kind of like danny). i happened to be in lexington shopping for mother's day presents when i was feeling down about myself. i had even gone to my comic book store to find a little comfort in the company i would keep in that little shop, but no one was there. just the skinny guy behind the counter. i walked out with my head hanging low. i had one more stop and then i was going to the comfort of my home.
i crossed the street and headed towards family christian bookstore. it used to be one of my favorite stores, but then i realized that everything was so expensive and the books really aren't that great. yet, i knew they had thomas kincaid stuff and my mommy loves him.
i walked in and i felt like the sexiest man in the world. i was surrounded by the fugliest people i have ever seen. thank you family christian bookstore. you gave me some love.

dear geek squad guy

dear mr.geek squad,
i must apologize for what actions transpired may 3rd between 12 p.m. and 2 p.m. .
my job was to return the microwave my friend had purchased the day before, while he found the microwave of his dreams (he actually thought he had purchased it the day before, but he wasn't paying attention and pick this ugly white and sliver microwave).
when i entered the store i was already confused. i was unable to understand the directions of the people around me. they kept telling me to go to geek squad, but i noticed customer service was right next to your station. so i proceeded to get in line. then you called me over to where you were. you asked me to sit the microwave down and then return to my spot in line. i did this. i waited and waited. there was only one poor woman working customer service and i could see she was not having the best day of her life, but it was close to getting better. she was going to see my smiling face and i was going to be the nicest person she had seen all day.
i was one person away when i heard someone yelling sir. i looked and saw you pointing to me and motioning me over. i walked over thinking you were going to take care of me.
"yes"
"is this your microwave?"
"yep"
"is it broken?"
"nope, it's not the one we wanted."
"oh, ok.. you can get back in line."
"yay! your checking out?" my friend says as i turn to notice he is carrying his new microwave.
"well, actually no. i was getting close to checking out, but he called me over to ask me a question."
"what? why did he do that?"
"i don't know and now i am back at the end of the line."
i walked to the end of the line to patiently wait for me to face the sad cashier. i heard a voice in anger and i turned to see my friend getting annoyed with you, the geek squad man. i could hear a few TV MATURE words and i noticed my friend, who normally is very nice, was very angry.
to save your life i walked over and tried to calm him down and he left to go get some bullets for his gun. thankfully you didn't know this. he wasn't going to kill you. i promise. he had been given a gun and needed bullets. thankfully we didn't stop by the sporting goods store first or you would have had a worse fate.
as you know i made the exchange and was on my way.
you have no idea how blessed you were to not feel the wrath of this man. he maybe smiling, but he is killing you inside.

tommy
p.s. his wrath and anger maybe due to what i had given him earlier that day (read post before to understand).

weekend lessons learned

carrying hot pink torches can make people look differently at you.
80 fl ounces of vitamin water is not smart when driving long distances.
giving adderall to a friend who is stressed is never wise (poor little geek squad guy will regret the day he called me out of line).
taking your contacts out while on the interstate isn't the safest thing.
not pooing all weekend is bad for the bowels.
having your face by the exhaust of a pressure washer can hurt your eyes and lungs.
having an older black woman love on as she praises Jesus' name and a budweiser in hand, AWESOME (yet very odd)!

i can't believe i am saying this

we all know that i am not a huge fan of southland Bible institute. it has been a source of bitterness for many years and as i have tried to move beyond the teachings they forced upon me, i can never seem to shake their words.
i fear this is a sign of me growing up or getting soft, but i am bothered by the way the school is treating some of the workers. without going into too much detail, cause i only know what i have been told and received in the mail, they are letting go of a few of their workers.
one worker has been there 30 years and even though i rarely saw eye to eye with this teacher, he was still a very good teacher and actually cared for the students. to just let him go would be a huge error on their part. it will really hurt the school.
part of me wants to say that he is going to be more thankful to get away from that place, but he doesn't think like i do. that is a good thing i am sure. if he did think like me i am sure there would be a huge flame in the middle of ashland ky or at least a lot of yelling and stuff.
eh.. what is a person to do. i am not really worried about the school as much as the people that are going to be hurt by this retarded behavior... but what do you expect when you have a bunch of preachers on a board who are stuck reading an outdated language?!

dangers of free thinking friends

this was a picture rufus sent to me. the following is our conversation over e-mail. pray for the poor boy's soul.

tommy: this is evil. you need real help. i am going to put you on the prayer list.

rufus:Prayer List


Please pray for sister Sally (broken hip)

Brother Rico (lisp)

Brother Festus (cleft palate)

Sister Ida (psychosis)

Brother Tyrell (halitosis)

Brother Tommy (distribution of images depicting human-like hunting traits of hairy, orange primates specifically not mentioned in Genesis)

And Brother Rufus (evolutionary biology; poor taste in cartoons; overall apostasy)


how do you deal with such a free thinker?

2 year strike comes to an end

for the past two years i have avoided mowing my own lawn. i know, i know, i sound like a lazy man and that i avoid manual labor, but that is only partly true. i am also thinking about my fellow man. my neighbor enjoys mowing and having the extra money, but to save money i am going to start mowing. ugh. i try to encourage myself and view it as a way to get a tan and burn some fat, but i hate mowing. i have nothing but hills at my house and i will have to start shoveling dog poo.
yet, i will feel like a real man.
like my father in-law says "real men mow their yards".
my response used to be "smart ones get someone else to do it", but now i respond with "crap".

dear pope, i hope you are happy

since i was a little boy saturdays have been my favorite day. i get up early (9) and pour a bowl of cap'n crunch (with crunch berries) and watch my cartoons. this tradition has never left me(even though i am nearing 30 i still sit in front of the tv to watch my superhero cartoons).
this saturday was ruined by a small man in a white dress! darn that pope if he didn't cause me to miss my cartoons. my saturday was ruined.

family guy!

angie actually let me watch 2 hours of the family guy last night.
that takes all of the fun of sneaking and watching it away.
i no longer like the show.

save

if you have spent any time around me, you would know that i have insane dreams. i have dreams of flying, fighting, thick hair, and some times i even dream i am being chased by the scary old man that was in star wars (i never knew his name, but he was on the death star. i think darth crushed his wind pipe with his mind).
needless to say, i am use to having random dreams about things i normally never think of. yet, last night proved that i am even more insane than i once thought. this dream took me to realms that acid could not even take me.
last night i dreamed that i had to save...DUM DUM DUM... Jon Secada's career! (gasp)
that is all i can say. i woke up shaken by the dream.

where was my song

before heading down to the vending machine to get a vitamin water i felt the need to pee. i walked into the men's restroom and almost smacked face first into the janitor. it was awkward, but boo (that is what we call him, but i am not even sure what his real name is) is a really cool guy. always asks how i am doing and empties my trash 2 times a day. yet today was awkward. as i stood there trying to pee, i wasn't able to sing my pee song, he asked me how i was doing.?.
number one rule of the men's restroom: don't talk to other's while peeing.
he walked out.
i stood there for a couple minutes.
sang my song.
whistled a different song.
i just now learned i suck at whistling.
i gave up.
now i sit at desk needing to pee.
it is going to be a wonderful monday.

maybe i am sorry

i am just bummed because i can never pull off a good april fool's joke.i suck at it. i have never been good at thinking up something. i am lame. i did get one april fool's joke over on someone, but it is an inside joke and you wouldn't understand (i hate when people do that, but i wanted to do it) and i am not able to share because it would be far to personal. just trust me that i got one person. i think i may have made them mad, but time will tell.
today i am just going to write random thoughts that come to mind as i set at me desk and wait for work to fall on me.

1. is it time for me to start trimming my nose hair?
that is a good question. i have never noticed any long ones, but someday soon they will grow long and i may become overwhelmed by them if i don't start taking care of them now. so tonight i will trim my nose hair.

2. do these jeans make me look fat?
i don't believe they do. according to my wife i still don't have a butt.. so therefore these jeans cannot make me look fat if there is nothing pulling them tight in the back.

3. i keep getting this message in my spam "someone has a crush on you". could it be real?
i don't think so. i may receive it everyday, but i also get a lot more about growth and diets. i am trusting my wonderful Google spam box to sort out the fakes from the real deals. so i will never open that e-mail and no one should have a crush on me.. i am a married man!

4. is danny going to be fatter than me this year on vacation?
that is a hard one. danny is known for is chiseled body, but here lately he has been letting himself go. he has put all of himself into his marriage and job. i guess i should strive to be more like danny in his way of life.. not body type.

5. did i push that Q-tip in too far?
i am not sure. my ears are ringing, but i still can't tell if i pushed it in too far. time will tell.. time will tell.

6. will i ever learn to jump when i shoot a half-court shot?
this has been the bane of my basketball career. no matter how hard i practice i can never do it. my feet just have a hard time leaving the ground. so i will never learn to jump when i make the shot.

i guess i should get to work.

got ya!

april fool's on being sorry!

to keep from saying "sorry"

i need to start putting a warning on my blogs. i tend to say things without thinking and people get their feelings hurt. it is never my intent to hurt people's feelings. i just write what i think and then later on realize that it could have been taken the wrong way.
when i first left for Bible college my dad wrote in front of my Bible "caution: put brain into gear before operating." i still haven't learned that.
my mouth has always got me into trouble. my wife likes to talk about my one liners i throw out there. the ones that make people wonder what i am talking about. i honestly don't do it on purpose. i am going to try and watch myself from now on.
"i am for gay marriage." is the best one that i throw out there i must say. i have never seen so many people get quiet when i say that. of course i do it at church outings.. ha.. outings... i made a pun.

this reminds me of the time i went to vbs at a catholic church with my neighbor. i was only 10 and i was the only boy there. i was confused by the statue of mary with the snake around her ankle and i wanted to eat the cookie we made into a necklace (i was a fat kid and i loved to eat). during the lesson i must have spelled something wrong or just did something stupid and i said shoot. the nun looked at me and said "we don't say that word. that's a bad word."
i looked at her puzzled. did she really think i said s**t?
"i didn't say a bad word. i said shoot." i exclaimed
"no, i heard what you said. the next time you say that i am going to take your snack time away."
you don't mess with my snack time lady. "i didn't say that."
about that time a girl name trish (who was known for being a liar and i am sure was smoking at the age of 10) spoke up and said "tommy hall, i am going to tell your mom you are cursing at church."
i began to call her a liar, but i stopped myself. what was the point. i had two evil women against me. one was never getting any sex and the other was just pure evil in a little body.
that was the last time i went to catholic vbs. i am not even sure why my mom and dad made me go. they must have been sick of me wanting to play with my he-man action figures in front of the tv while baseball was on.
i hated that vbs. i never got to eat that cookie.

my monday

i had a three foot long camera shoved up my butt (trust me it wasn't fun. well, atleast i don't think it was. i was asleep the whole time. my underwear was under my pillow too.).
BEAT THAT!

best moments

the other day someone asked me what my best and worst moments at southland Bible institute were. i had to stop and think. there were so many things i could say for the worst, but the best... i was stumped. i know there were some, but why can't i remember them? i believe it could be cause i have allowed myself to focus on the worst stuff. it's not hard to do. being a "liberal" (they view me like one, but trust me i am not) christian kind of puts a bulls eye on your chest.
so i thought i would write a list of my best moments.

1. rediscovered my love for Twinkies.
2. found new ways to twist scripture into getting my own way.
3. gained 50 pounds my first semester.
4. realized i was cool compared to my fellow students (which doesn't say much for
them).
5. passed all of my classes
6. that i wasn't a baptist.
7. graduated even though my now father in-law said i would end up burning the place
down.
8. got campused (see earlier blog)
9. met some cool people, but never talk to them anymore.
10.left there single.

i miss you

last night i laid in bed kind of sad. i was missing a friend that i will never get to see again or hear their strong words. i flipped through my phone and passed her number and wished so bad that i could hear her say "sup" and listen to me talk about the pointless problems i suffer as she offers her advice and laughter.
today is her birthday.
i miss you katie.
i will never understand why you had to be taken away. my life will never be the same without you and jasper will never have the chance to be held by you, but i know someday he will.

i think i found a new calling!

i am going to start writing christian chain-letters...

things you should never admit to

leaving the water hose on all night.
throwing your dog's poo in the neighbor's yard.
like some of george micheal's music.
nairing your back.
pee sitting down.
putting make-up on over a zit.
saying your favorite show is america's next top model.
wanting to be a new kid on the block.
you shaved your butt.

i am not saying i have ever done these things. i just know from experience they are not the smartest things to do.

i just love this song by thrice

Lost Continent

Was there a time that we knew peace;
when all the children had a place to sleep;
when rhetoric was not enough?

Was there a time we weren't at war;
when we knew what our hearts and hands were for?
I don't believe there ever was.

It's always been a lie,
a soothing lullaby;
we'll soon be swallowed by the sea.

Was there a time we looked around,
and do we really even want to know what's going down?
Well I think no one really does.

We'd rather close our eyes;
sing soothing lullabies.

It's always been a lie,
a soothing lullaby;
we'll soon be swallowed by the sea.

The water's rising now;
and we will surely drown,
if we don't turn around.

i am in love

i know it sounds horrible to come out of a married man's mouth, well unless i am talking about my wife when i say"i am in love", but i can't deny it. let me try to explain how my love could shift from such a wonderful wife to something else. so please do not judge me until you know the whole story of how one day my heart was changed.
it happened in january. i had returned from my wonderful trip to st.louis for Christmas and i was getting use to working again (it isn't hard for me to get out of the habit. i am lazy by nature). my mind was slowly growing use to not sleeping in and my body was getting used to the diet i had myself on. so needless to say, i was not myself and that is how i found myself easily swayed by another.
for lunch we were having a late Christmas party. the food was wonderful and there were gifts to be exchanged. it was like my vacation had never ended.. and that is when it happened. i opened that gift that sent my heart on a dangerous course.
the box was small but heavy. it looked so business like. i took the wrapping paper off quickly to expose 3 metal ink pens. each one so beautiful. like they came from the desk of someone important. i felt my heart beating quickly. a tear came to my eye. fireworks began to explode all around me. i was in love. they feel so smooth in my hand.
that night i showed them to angie and she was jealous. she has always had a love for ink pens, but these were mine. they belong to me. i would never leave home without them. i often find myself sitting at work and just writing my abc's because they write so well and feel so good in my hands. their cold metal slips between my fingers. the soft noise it makes as it glides across the paper. oh.. it is beautiful. it is special.. it is love.

update

the sour belly is gone. it was touch and go there for awhile, but thankfully i pulled through. i discovered that lots of peppermint helps. it can actually help the smell not be as bad.
thank you for your prayers and kind notes.

things you should never say to your wife

wow, (insert friend's name here)looks really hot!
i doubt morning sickness is that bad.
is that really supposed to look like that on you?
did you do that smell?
can i borrow your nair?
you clean? when have you ever done that?
i hope our kid hates math.
your voice hurts my ears.
you must really like whining.
shut up.
the last one is the most dangerous one to say. i told her to shut up this past weekend and i thought she was going to pull my heart out with her bare hands.. and she hates to get her hands dirty.

wisdom from cartoons

"pants are an illusion just like death." crazy swamp man from the avatar.

sour belly

when i woke up at 2 this morning i should have realized that it was going to be a rough day. normally i sleep sound through the whole night, but last night was a struggle. my stomach was feeling funny and my dreams were keeping my mind from resting.
when the alarm sounded i knew right then something wasn't right. i walked slowly to the shower and then it hit. the smell of satan i have heard it called. sour belly. if you have never heard of this let me explain what it is.
it is this nasty sour smell that comes out when you burp. there is no control and no hiding it. everyone in the room knows you have it. you can drink all of the pepto you want and chew all of the gum in the world, but there is no relief from the smell.
i sit in my office praying that i don't burp. i don't want anyone to witness this evil smell. it's like farting out of your mouth. the odd thing is, i can't figure out what could have caused it. i would have had to eaten some dairy, but i didn't yesterday. i had subway.
oh.. here comes a burp. holy crap.. i shouldn't work today. i need to spare those who work around me.
on a different note. you need to buy the new thrice: alchemy index. wonderful cd. the music goes from hard to somewhat soft. it is kind of like captain planet or the last avatar. fire, water, earth, and air. trust me. you will want this cd...
oh.. that was a deep belly burp.

things you should never do

put on your wife's jeans and show her that they are loose around the waist.
laugh at a retarded person in a crowd.
admit to picking your nose in your sleep.
answer the door in your underwear.
talk to your mom about your sex life.
give your dog whiskey.
ask a color blind person if your clothes match.
eat out dated spinach.
shave between your eyes.
Nair your body.
tell your church you hate going to church.
those are just a few things i have learned in the past couple of weeks. i thought i would share my knowledge to protect you from making the same mistakes.

someone is watching me

do you ever feel like someone is always watching you? the creepy feeling of eyes always fixed on you? gives you that kind of feeling that keeps you from peeing when you are in the men's restroom and you end up having to sing your "pee song" to get you going?
yeah.. i never get that feeling. that would be insane if i did. if you get that feeling you may want to get some real help. you have a serious problem.

easter is coming

as a christian i love easter. it is a time when i stop and look at the sacrifice Jesus made for me. how his death freed me from sin and made a way for me to get close to God.
there are some bad memories attached to easter. like how everyone wants me to sing "watch the lamb" an old ray boltz song. sure it is pretty, but come on. i have been singing that since i was a freshman in high school. let me move on from the perm and the mullet.
needless to say Jesus' resurrecton is my favorite thing about easter, but my second favorite are the reese's easter eggs.. oh my gosh.. they are wonderful. they are so full of peanut butter and so moist and tasty. mmmmm.... i think i need to go get one.

New Year and I am late and lazy

i am not going to give you excuses to why it has been so long that i have blogged. i am not going to try and feel your mind with wild stories of kidnappings and near death experiences. i will just be honest. i have been too lazy to write a blog. to even be more honest.. the only reason i am writing now is because i am being lazy at work. so therefore i am writing a blog.
nothing major has really happened in 2008. i celebrated my year anniversary from leaving the mission. it is hard to believe it has been a year since i left the mission. some days i really miss the place and other days i really don't. it has been a good change in life for me.
next week we are starting a trial and i am dreading it. i have only worked on two trials in the past and they were murder trials. they were rough, but this one deals with something that is worse than murder in my book, but due to my job i am not at the liberty to really talk about this until it comes to court.
i find myself worried and angry. i don't want to judge and i want to show grace, but it is hard. i am finding it is hard to live a "set apart" life outside of the cages of a christian community. when i come in contact with convicts almost everyday and i find myself wondering why God let's them live and then it hits me.. why does he let me live?
i keep on forgetting that my sins are no different from the man who killed his girlfriend. sure, i don't have blood on my hands, but before God i do. if i am to live a life of Christ i need to first learn to love. no matter what! and there is the catch.. no matter what. i need to love the man who blocked my car the other day. i need to love the person who constantly made me feel like i was worthless. i need to love the man who hurts children for his own sexual pleasure.
this blog is kind of a downer.. so please forgive me. i am sitting at my desk with the file for the case that i am dreading to my right and to my left a phone that will not stop ringing to remind me that without crime i would not have a job.
oh well. i can't change life, but i sure can find a way to make it more fun...
i have started working out again. i lost about 35 pounds, but most of that was muscle. so i have decided i need to get the body i have always wanted before my 30th birthday.. i want to have abs! so last night while working out i decided i would do some hand eye stuff to keep my mind sharp. i started juggling. thank you randy townsend! i just didn't have anyone clapping for me when i was doing well and no one booing when i drop them. it was a good way to relax after my workout.
yep.. that is about it. nothing more to say as of now.

trials of a Christmas tree

it all started tuesday night. i had gone down to the basement to check on the water heater (it had blown up earlier and flooded parts of the basement. don't worry we got a new one. it heats the water very nicely). i noticed the tree leaning against the wall (i never take the tree apart. i keep lights and all on that bad boy and just stuff it under the stair well in the basement. it is so much more easier than pulling each limb off and taking all 8,000 lights off...ok..i am lazy). so i decided to walk the tree up my narrow stairs and put it up so we can start celebrating the birth of our Savior. cause we all know you can't start to worship until that tree is lit and stuffed with presents. as the tree was placed on the living room floor - i noticed it wasn't standing up straight. i pushed through the plastic pine needles and discovered one of the legs was broken. i figured i could fix it since i was a man. well.. the weight of the plastic was making it hard to fix.. so i came to the grim conclusion. i have to take all of the lights off and the tree apart to fix that stupid leg. i went to bed. i figured i would just ignore it for one more night.
the next day was a bad day. i woke up in this real raw mood and when i walked through the living room and saw that stupid tree.. i was even more annoyed. yet, i fought on and went to work and spent the day in court.. listening to people give excuses to why they do what they do..
after a long day of listening, i arrived at home and looked at that tree.. i became sick. i wanted to burn it, but yet i could feel the Christmas spirit come over me.
"think of all the presents that are going to be under that tree for you."
the voice was right. this was my year to rack up. angie got a raise. i got a raise. my mom and dad love me more than the rest of my family.. yep.. lets get the tree up..
so i started pulling lights off.. then i got the bright idea of just taking the limbs off and the lights will fall off.. WRONG! i spent nearly 2 hours getting those lights apart..
as i stood there with lights all around me and plastic needles sticking in my socks.. i decided to go to bed. i felt defeated. i fought the good fight and lost. sadly this has happened many times in different parts of life. i took a deep breath and laid down.. i slowly drifted to sleep.. i could see lights choking me and slowly dying while that tree took over my living room.
so.. last night i was prepared for battle. i jumped in with my duct tape to fix the leg and my desire to see that tree up. i fought and fought, but then i realized.. i wrote the order of the limbs wrong (each limb has a color. example green, brown, white, etc..). so i had to put them on and take them off. fluff them out and then see that they don't look right.. i sweat and curse.. i even cried when that broken light went through my thumb, but 3 hours later.. i got the tree up.
i sat there basking in the warm glow of that tree.. Christmas can start now..
"peace on earth, good will towards all men."

running into a wall

3 times i have ran into a wall today. 3! the same wall everytime too.. i am not talking about a figurtive wall.. i am talking about a real one. it seems like everytime i turn out of my office i hit it. am i meant to wear a helmet? maybe.

i am not as nice as i may seem

most people in my life think i am really nice and compassionate person. they have seen the way i reach out to the hurting and how i stand up for the underdog. i have been praised and hailed as the nicest person in my family. trust me i am not bragging... for i am far from that. it is nice that i have fooled so many people, but if i were to really stop and be honest i would realize that i am a liar (in someways).
i started to really notice it last night when i was with a friend. we were making fun of a mutual friend (i am leaving the names out just in case the mutual friend is reading this). we both pointed out his or her flaws and had some pretty funny moments at this person expense. i left that dinner feeling light hearted and joyful (only because i put someone else down..well not only for that reason. i loved spending time with this friend, but it was one of the many common bonds we have).
it also makes me think back to the times i have made fun of a large woman for wearing stretch pants. it is so wrong for someone large to wear such a garment. i mean.. they are stretch beyond belief and i mostly sit and wait for the stretch to give out.. i mean even stretch armstrong breaks when you stretch him too far.
just now my wife was telling me not to post this cause "like, you should really sleep on this.. maybe you won't like, post this blog. it could like hurt some one's feelings". so i had to point out that i started counting how many times she says like. it all started last weekend when i listened to her tell a story to her friend. i found myself getting so annoyed. it was every other word.
i don't know what is wrong with me. i used to never make fun of people. i was picked on a lot in middle school. i was short, fat, had a mullet, and i wore glasses that got dark in the sunlight. i was not the cool kid. it may have started when i went to bible college and discovered how stupid some people could actually be. there was actually this one girl who believed she could make me fall in love with her by how she prayed. i think it is a sin to get turned on by a prayer.. isn't it? or the time i was actually told to sit down and pee in the office building cause they could hear me peeing by the coffee machine. what man sits down and pees?
as i sit here and write this i hear myself making fun of ugly women on tv and making fun of the televangelist trying to get me saved from my life of greed... but i first have to send him 50 bucks for my prayer to get heard. that is when it hits me.. paul is the reason why i make fun of people so much (paul is my brother in-law). that is all we have in common. he makes fun of everyone that crosses his path. he has a way of pointing out people's flaws and makes them funny. he can make the sad little clown laugh and the most cold of heart warm with joy as they laugh at my attempt to play poker. he claims to be a content soul, but i think he is really insecure and sad with his life of taunting and crushing spirits. like a drug dealer he sells you this lie of satisfaction.. the satisfaction of putting others down to make you feel better about your own personal short comings.
you maybe saying.. "turn your painful words on him".. it is impossible. i have tried many times to make fun of paul, but i cannot. nothing phases him. he just looks at you like you are the biggest retard.. speaking of which.. one time i was in mcdonalds waiting for my food and the "cook" comes out from behind the grill with blood on her hand.
"i cut my "f"ing hand." she exclaims with sweat stains on the pits of her shirt.
the manager "get back to work."
while all of this is going on a large group enters mcdonalds. i am so angry i don't care. i am disgusted by the bloody "cook".. i take my tray to my sit and yell.
"there are a bunch of retards up there!"
as soon as the words leave my mouth my sister points to the crowd that surrounds me. at that moment i became sick.. the special olympics had been held that day and they were waiting to have their bellies filled with fast food.. i felt horrible.. so i left..
how can i change this problem i have? why do i find myself making fun of little foot right now when i am trying so hard not to make fun of people.. why i am talking like the annoying girl that doesn't know how to swallow spit while she talks... why am i still laughing at the way we made fun on an old man that we saw last night wearing a shirt that said "i'd fcuk myself" (that was how it was spelled)...
i need to really get away from paul.... i need to save myself from a life of hurtful words thrown at those around me.
(paul knows i am writing this.. how do you think i was able to make fun of people in my blog?)

danny is doing great!

just a quick update. danny came out of the surgery and he is doing great. i will try to give more info later on.. we are just so thankful that he is doing well.. thanks for all of the prayers.. it looks like this cloud is going to be lifted.

update on danny

i woke up around 7 in the waiting room. other people had entered the waiting room and i wondered what i looked like sleeping on those hard chairs. my body twisted in ways that most people my weight could never twist themselves into. i also knew i looked pretty rough. the man across from me fought to hold his laughter as i raised up.. i had a huge pillow mark across my face. i found my way to the restroom and splashed water on my face. i just wanted to hurry up and check on danny.
when i enter his room i notice he was watching joyce meyers. i became very afraid. has he felt the cold touch of death? is he afraid that his relationship with God needs to be strengthened?
"what are you watching?"
"i got stuck on it." he exclaims.
my fears have eased. then he goes on to tell me what happened throughout the night.. well. actually just two things.. the first was kind of funny, but the second one is really funny. so i am going to tell it. apparently danny has found a way to pee on his arm. not his forearm, but close to his shoulder. while using his pee jug he became lazy and let go and peed on himself. to many this may seem sad. as in a young person losing control of themselves, but i know danny. he is just lazy.
he is doing well this morning. last night he seemed a little down, but this morning he is laughing and making fun of me.. which means he is doing well.
i will be heading home sometime today. i have to prepare for work tomorrow. i will give more updates as i learn more about danny's health. thank you for your prayers.

pee jug and saline farts

most sunday evenings i spend my night watching cartoon networks adult swim. laughing at family guy, but quickly turning the channel when my wife walks in as if i were watching porn (she doesn't agree with me watching such cartoons). yet tonight i sit with my bearded, hairless knuckled brother in-law in a hospital room filled with his awful farts that make me wonder if that is what death smells like. this is the second night i have spent with him. the first night i slept in the waiting room.. as of now i am hidding out in his icu room waiting for the pudding pack eating man nurse to tell me to get out (he is really scary. he is about 6 foot 5 and weighs as much a my ford focus).
as we sit and watch football, we laugh at the different things going on around us or what is coming out of danny. close to my left knee is danny's pee jug which he claimed he halfway filled, but he didn't (i am talking about his urine not filling it perv). outside of his door is the toilet he had to poop in. which causes me to remember what happened earlier today. danny had me ask the nurse about him doing number 2. she walked in with the plastic toilet that danny says makes a thud when turds hit instead of a splash that we are all used to hearing. back to the story.. so after she places the toilet in the room she proceeds to close the curtains and close the door leaving me to witness his poop. i quickly let her know i was not going to be apart of such a personal and spiritual experience. i walked out of the icu to wait for him to finish his duty. i allowed him five minutes since he didn't have anything to read. i picked up the phone outside of the icu and i asked if i could go back into danny's room..
"ummm. his light is on and the nurse is in there. you may want to wait a couple minutes."
"ok" i say as i think "more like wait about 30 minutes. i have smelled his poop and i now know that ever nurse in the icu is wishing they were working at mcdonalds."
i walk towards danny's room and this smell hits me. i knew at that moment that this was a big one and since he was hooked on oxygne that we were not able to light a match. i began to wrestle within myself.
"do i want to go in that room?"
"yes! he is your brother in-law and your friend. he needs you in this moment."
"but i don't want to smell like his crap. i mean... i hate smelling like a camp fire. how can i make it smelling like danny's crap?"
"you need to grow up....OH MY GOSH! WHAT IS THAT SMELL? BELOCH (that is the sound of me throwing up in my mouth and swallowing it)!!!!"
"told you it was going to be rough."
yet i took a deep breath and walked into his room to be the friend i needed to be. i watched the nurse quickly clean his mess and rush out the door. i believe she was holding her breath. her face was red and her smile seemed as one desperatly trying to fill their lungs with clean air.
many other things took place. as danny wondered if he could brush his teeth with sprite. he has still yet to try.. actually he has still yet to brush his teeth. he did change his underwear, but the sound he just made leads me to believe he may need to change them again.. also the sound of his toe nails rubbing the foot board to the bed tells me he hasn't clipped his toe nails in a few months. wow... i am just putting him down aren't i? lol.. i still find it funny.
don't worry.. danny knows i am saying all of these things. i would never talk ill about my loved ones in a blog without telling them.. i only do that to people i don't like.
to be honest. this whole experience makes me nervous. it has been a long weekend for danny, my friends and myself.. as most of you know we lost a close friend and if i were to be really honest with myself... i could have lost another person i really love. you see, danny's heart has an enlarged right side and it looks like he is going to have surgery. last night things became serious as he was being worked on in the er. i just thank God that he was already here when it happened.
i hate to end a blog on a sad note. so i will end it with this... my sweater smells like danny's farts.

life is like a twist of the nipple... painful and hard..yet a hint of pleasure.

waking up at 3 a.m. and wondering what the temperature is set on. sweat is pouring off my face and i feel as if i could no longer sleep. i kicked the covers off and tried to think of things to knock me out. i thought about all the things i needed to do. how could i make a fence around my car port. did i bring any pixie sticks home (i love those things)? yet none of them put me back to sleep. i decided to get out of bed and read, but once i made it to the living room... i decided to get on the internet. so many thoughts were running through my mind. i just sat down and started writing e-mails to friends. some i have never reached out to before. others i had. i was in a place of insecure words. what brought me there?
the week before i had attended a friend's son's funeral. he was only 3 and his life ended so quickly. then that saturday i found out my friend katie had died in her sleep. she was only 25 and was working as a missionary in haiti. i wrestled with all of these thoughts. why does this happen? why take them both out of the world? they were young.
i started to cry. thinking about katie and the last time we had talked. i thought about all of the different things she used to say. how she laughed. rolled her eyes. the tears i once fought were flowing freely. i would never get to tell her i loved her or goodbye.
i write all of this to say. i am sad and confused by all the things that happen in this world. yet, i see where i am blessed. i see God's hand in so many things around me. i am still sad. even as i write this now from my office desk. i try to smile and cover up the sadness.
it's been raining, but now the sun is fighting it's way out. i guess that is what i need to do. i need to accept the fact that i can't change things and that God has his reason. sure i am not happy, but i can fight the sadness.
i know this blog is all over the place. that is one of the many dangers of writing while at work. i can't seem to focus on my thoughts or share them the way i want. i just hope that i learn to praise Him in the hard times.
this saturday as they put katie in the ground i know i will be sad. i also know i will see her again. i guess that is the thing i should be letting come through.

Katie

i will miss your smile, the way you said " sup" & "hey" when you answered the phone. how you owned a million shoes, and the way you loved the people of haiti. you were a gift that i took for granted, but i will never forget you. thanks for all of the long talks and being the strong one. i love you katie!

the hair on my forehead

this will be a short blog. i have a court trial this week and i am on my short lunch break.. so i must keep this brief. let me just say.. i found a long hair on my forehead. now you maybe thinking "cool". that would be cool if it were where my hair once used to be (i am slowly going bald. my father in-law says it is from making fun of him as a kid, but i think it is because some jerks in college poured paint thinner in my hair after i dyed it black and it turned purple. i looked like an old woman. no wonder my dad wasn't too proud of me when i was in Bible college), but it was in the middle of my forehead. it was long too. i mean really long. ok. not long enough to pull back into a ponytail, but long enough to see from the side. thankfully it was blond, but how long was it there and did anyone else notice it? i pulled the hair out and just was amazed. it was huge! i am becoming one of those old men with hair growing in funky places. what have i become? i am planning on buying one of those nose hair trimmer things and just use it all over. now that is a mental picture everyone needs!

campusing...oh the joys of christian control

i found this today while cleaning out my closet. it made me laugh.. i am so glad they allowed me to eat.. oh to let you know.. i was 20 years old when this happened.. funny huh?

a normal day in the office

yeah.. i have become lazy with my blog. i find it hard to write about the hard hitting moments in my life. i also have discovered that the pearls of life that i face.. many of you do not. i am a lone wolf with out a pack (hence the lone). nah... actually i am just so lazy. it takes a lot of thought to sit down and write something. even with adderall i can't do it. i would like to say it is because i am so busy at work, but between you and me.. i am so smart that i can do two things at once.. kind of like peeing and pooping at the same time. yeah.. i can do that.
a month ago i wrote about me having roids and how they were hurting me.. well i finally went to the doctor and i don't have roids! yay!!! oh wait... i have a tear in my anal passage from pooping hard poo.. ugh.. it takes two months to heal and it is painful. they also don't give you any pain meds either. it's insane. if it doesn't heal they are going to cut my anal muscle.. sounds fun huh? lol.. i have the butt of a 50 year old man. my dad and i finally have something in common. we both sit on a cushion.. ha..
the woolly worm festival is coming up soon and i can't wait. it's like christmas time for me. sure the Savior of the world wasn't born on this day and i don't get any presents, but a lot of my friends from high school come in for it. i love it... we also shut down the whole town for it. who else does this.. oh wait.. the surrounding towns do this too.. well.. we are better than they are. always have been.. and we worship a woolly worm.. not bees or honey.. that is so lame.
my best friend also moved. that kind of made me sad. he is a loser.. what about moving to a new job? jerk..lol.. nah. i am actually proud of him. he may actually be able to find a girl now. not that he couldn't here, but none of them were his type. either they were too nice or too trashy.. a happy balance.. we like to call flashy. he also gets to hang out with college students. so i am sure he will come off cool to them. until he forgets to take care of his eyebrows and they become eyebrow.
let's see..what else is there? hmm.. nothing i can really think of. just normal everyday life. i promise to someday actually sit down and write a deep blog about my struggle with the local church and how much i really hate southland bible institute.. that place should burn.. oh.. sorry.. that sounds like bitterness.. i am really not bitter.. ok.. maybe a little. i guess i am just annoyed at how they cripple the students... yeah.. they take bats and bust their kneecaps.. ok.. maybe not, but they come close.
i better get to work..

i have failed you.

i know i promised to have a blog up about my prom life, but real life seems to have caught up with me. don't get me wrong. i have not been overly busy... i just feel lazy. it's easy for some to sit down and vomit a blog, but not me. i must think and dwell upon the subject. i must search my heart and see if the truth of the matter is really there.
i also have a roid. i know this isn't neither the time nor the place to talk about such personal things, but i really don't care at this moment. i am in pain and i want to make it go away. i should post a pic, but i will not. it is far to disturbing.
through my research on the internet i have discovered that this roid comes from me reading several comic books in one sitting (no i didn't leave the h out). also from my true love of meat (makes your poo thick and hard). two things that i love, but i must give up until my pain leaves me.
oh wait. what is this? you are never really freed from roids? you have to have them cut out? oh my gosh. how do you ask off of work for that?
me " i have to take a few sick days for a surgery."
boss " really? what kind of surgery."
me "oh it's nothing major."
boss "okay, but what is it for? i haven't noticed you sick."
me "it's kind of personal."
boss "it maybe, but i think as your boss i need to know these things."
me "ummm... ok.. i am having surgery on my butt."
boss "to actually have one? i mean. you have lived you whole life without having a butt. surely you can manage?"
me "what? you don't think i have a butt?"
boss "no you don't. it's like nothing is there?"
me "that really hurts."
boss "truth is truth."
do you see where this could lead. maybe i should try the all natural stuff. oh wait... you have to give up meat forever and use only all natural soap, shampoo, and tooth paste.. screw that..
oh... i can let my doctor stick his finger..WHERE? and push it back in WHAT..?
i think i am going to learn to live with the pain..
so.. you see.. this is why i am unable to blog. lazy and i have a pain. i just don't feel like sitting down and writing. get over it.

coming soon! PROM

many have been asking for it.. so now i am going to give it. just not today. i am too busy at work, but i promise soon...i will tell the story of "the proms". most have been to 2 and some 3.. i am up to 9 and it is growing. i will even have pics of my different proms. so please prepare yourself for the prom king (i really was the prom king my senior year. most of the time the handicapped people get it at our school, but alas... i beat him out of it. not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing).

too many stories...so little time to tell them all

i know that it has been a while since i have placed my words and thoughts on the web to be viewed by the two people who read my blog. so as i sit in my office at work- i try to think of ways to tell the stories of the past couple of weeks. better yet- what should i leave out?... i could tell you about the most manly night i have ever had or pawl's (the man of honor) night before his best friend's wedding. there are so many other things floating around inside my head it is hard for me to latch on to even one of them. this could be due to the fact that i am out of adderall. i go today to get some more of my life giving drug this afternoon, but in this moment how can i possibly write out what you want to hear? should i just wait? should i just lay my head down and cry? NO! i will write as one who has not allowed their mind to be altered and force the words from my mind to my hands for the one's who demand more of my attention. this is for you baby (not really calling anyone baby.. just a term. so please don't think i am talking to you)!

let me begin with "the night of the manly men". it started on friday afternoon. my friend matt sevinsky(a very manly man with a thick neck. football player and all around stud according to the young girls that work with him at camp) and i (not very manly, but somewhat manly. sure i can spit, but it normally stays on my chin. i can however shoot a gun without blinking) were going into the big city of lexington. we had no clue what we were going to do, but we were going. normally when you ride in my car with me i control the music, but in my heart i felt like i should allow matt to take control. he was a visitor and he was leaving the next day to return to VA. he plugs his i-pod into the stereo and what do i hear? 80's music. ok.. i am not a huge fan, but for some reason it grew on me, but what is this? is he dancing? yes he is. i am not sure if it was because i was tired or if i was just amazed, but i found myself laughing as he danced. it wasn't very manly, but it was funny. on arriving in lexington i decided to get my comic books (another one of my manly features). during this time i noticed we had something in common. we enjoyed making fun of people. so between the dancing and multiple stops, we made fun of a handful of people that make life difficult. it was fun. we returned home early so matt could sing show tunes with my wife angie (odd i know. manly? i still don't think so). after a few songs we sat down to watch some good movies. cocktail and the bodyguard (yeah.. not very manly either, but they were funny to us). i finally went to bed around 6:45 after waking matt up on the toilet. not sure how one falls asleep on the toilet, but all things are possible.
i write all of this to say. i love the "dancing queen". if matt can dance and act like a complete fool and still be manly.. i can admit i love that song and also be just as manly.. can't i?

i admit. a lot of this story was edited for time sake. i am not sure when this AOC man is coming to talk to me about the computer i use in the courtroom... that is the only reason i edited it.. promise.

now on to part 2 of the man of honor:

we have all heard the stories of the maid of honor sleeping with the groom the night before the wedding. we have witnessed the shock as the truth is poured onto the ground like a nice cold bottle of zima (girl's drink).. everyone is disgusted and left wondering why?

well, my dear sweet brother in-law pawl fail to this great temptation, but with a twist.

his friend courtney was getting married and he was her "man of honor". she loves pawl and trusts him with everything with in her. she wanted him by her side on the day she gave her heart, life, free will , and bank account away. pawl stands beside her smiling, but what is this? the groom is looking at pawl, but why? i will tell you why. because the night before he shared a bed with him. that is right. the man of honor slept with the groom the night before. pawl claims nothing happened. that he went to bed and woke up with the groom.

"nothing happened." he says as if trying to convince himself and those listening.
oh pawl. how much i want to believe you. really i do, but these past couple of days i have realized you are not the man i thought you once were.
i know nothing happened with you and the groom, but i just don't feel the connection we used to have. remember when we used to copy our faces in sunday school? the times we would laugh at the pain of others (oh wait...we still do that). or how about the time we were playing that board game....what were the words you said? "come on ----oh.. i can't remember!
yeah.. this is a blog not on adderall... go ahead and say it sucks.. i don't care....

my worst fears by "paint"

really.. i do fear these things.....

my dark past

there are a lot of things in my past that i am not proud to admit. like the time i pooped on the hallway floor because my brother wouldn't hurry in the bathroom (i was 3, but i still remember seeing it on the brown carpet and getting spanked. i wonder if i wiped before her hand met my butt?). those are things you would rather not share with the ones around you, but here lately it has come to my attention that there are a lot of people who know about something from my past that i am not proud of. so let me admit this before it has been twisted and turned into something else.
it began back in the sixth grade. i had discovered girls (b.j., heather, amanda, and jamie). i had also discovered that they liked to hear me sing. i was young and my voice had not changed yet nor had certain parts of my body discovered hair (armpits, perv). so i joined choir and the love with singing began. i noticed how some girls liked to sit and talk with me. how they would tell other girls how well i could sing (this is no longer true).
i had also noticed the love for the boy band new kids on the block. girls would scream and cry for them. they were loved by them. they could do no wrong. so it hit me. i can sing. i can learn to dance. i should become a new kid.
my face turns red even as i write this, but i must tell my dark secret.
i wrote to them and asked if they wanted a newer member. as you can tell.. they didn't respond, but still i tried. i even sang please don't go girl at a talent show and got a girlfriend out of it. a lot of the guys didn't like me cause i sang, but the girls did and that is what mattered at that time. little did i know that this moment in my past would follow me for years. that people would hold it over my head. so no more! this is no longer going to control me. i have over come my dream to be a new kid and God has forgiven me. I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and love me like you did before you knew how far i fell.