Monday, November 05, 2007

life is like a twist of the nipple... painful and hard..yet a hint of pleasure.

waking up at 3 a.m. and wondering what the temperature is set on. sweat is pouring off my face and i feel as if i could no longer sleep. i kicked the covers off and tried to think of things to knock me out. i thought about all the things i needed to do. how could i make a fence around my car port. did i bring any pixie sticks home (i love those things)? yet none of them put me back to sleep. i decided to get out of bed and read, but once i made it to the living room... i decided to get on the internet. so many thoughts were running through my mind. i just sat down and started writing e-mails to friends. some i have never reached out to before. others i had. i was in a place of insecure words. what brought me there?
the week before i had attended a friend's son's funeral. he was only 3 and his life ended so quickly. then that saturday i found out my friend katie had died in her sleep. she was only 25 and was working as a missionary in haiti. i wrestled with all of these thoughts. why does this happen? why take them both out of the world? they were young.
i started to cry. thinking about katie and the last time we had talked. i thought about all of the different things she used to say. how she laughed. rolled her eyes. the tears i once fought were flowing freely. i would never get to tell her i loved her or goodbye.
i write all of this to say. i am sad and confused by all the things that happen in this world. yet, i see where i am blessed. i see God's hand in so many things around me. i am still sad. even as i write this now from my office desk. i try to smile and cover up the sadness.
it's been raining, but now the sun is fighting it's way out. i guess that is what i need to do. i need to accept the fact that i can't change things and that God has his reason. sure i am not happy, but i can fight the sadness.
i know this blog is all over the place. that is one of the many dangers of writing while at work. i can't seem to focus on my thoughts or share them the way i want. i just hope that i learn to praise Him in the hard times.
this saturday as they put katie in the ground i know i will be sad. i also know i will see her again. i guess that is the thing i should be letting come through.

1 comment:

Kilroy was here said...

there is so much i would like to talk to you about