oh how words have changed over the years

this is your life

this morning on the way to work something odd happened.
i was listening to switchfoot (been awhile since i have really listened to them) and the song "this is your life" came on. the chorus asks "this is your life, are you who you want to be?"
for the first time in a long time... i could answer yes.

for too long i have tried to live like other people have wanted. i have played the part of the missionary. i have been the good little boy who has always done what he is told. i have stood before church after church singing and preaching.
but deep down i was never really happy.

don't get me wrong. there were good moments during that time, but i dreaded getting up for work. i didn't want to be around certain people. the people i had to see everyday. God became my boss and i wasn't always too happy with him.

all of that faded this morning when i realized how good of a life i have.
i have a wonderful wife. she is always putting up with my odd habits. she keeps me grounded and she never seems to get too upset when i say something to cause a fight with her family or spend too much money at starbucks.

then there is riley. i never really thought i could fall in love with something that poops more than me. yet he makes the hardest days so much better. the way he smiles when i bark like a dog. when he laughs at me throwing clothes at him... the way he dances when he hears "single ladies".

this is my life. a life that i didn't seek out... it found me.

the other cool thing is i love my job. sure i see some messed up stuff, but still... it is a good job. i don't dread getting up every morning and going to work. i also work with some of my favorite people.

this was a little too serious of a post.. so i will say this...

poop.

my favorite cartoons as a child

he-man
she-ra
smurfs
snorks
pac-man
fraggle rock
scobby doo
superfriends
thundercats
tmnt
jetsons
get along gang
popples
duck tails
darkwing duck
the real Ghostbusters
captian n
captian planet
g.i. joe
cops
wuzzles
ewoks
shirt tales
gummie bears

hmmm.. that is all i can think of at the moment.

to the pasty basement dwellers... i am also a nerd.
i just don't live in the basement of my mom's house.

to the stormtroopers

i was sitting here trying to remember who kicked your (stormpoopers) butts in the return of the jedi, when a little person walked into the office... then it hit me...
the EWOKS killed a lot of you.

EWOKS rock!

nub and nub(check and mate)!

(for my normal viewers, i want to take this time to let you know that i am just giving some people are hard time. i am a fan of star wars, but not too serious of a fan. the ewoks were my favorite and because of that... i can never be part of the 501st... i believe that is a blessing.)

love you tyler!

for you disney freaks... mickey mouse is not funny! buggs bunny all the way!!!

surrounded by stormtroopers

last tuesday my good friend tyler phillips asked if i could video an event for him.
this event was a Q & A with the author of a book... forgive me... not just a book, but a book about star wars.

i love star wars just as much as the normal everyday person who doesn't live in their parents basement, but some people take it to the extreme.

tyler is part of the 501st legion.

what does that mean you ask?

it means he dresses up like a stormtrooper and does charity events, book signings, and what ever else a grown man may do in white plastic.

so we arrive at the event and first thing we are pointed towards the "receiving room" (insert jokes here. jokes only please.). then i witness the true nature of a fan. they share stories of the force. what rebel they are hunting at the time. what their armor is made of. very interesting... i leave the room to go look at books.
finally the time comes for me to record this earth shattering event.

tyler and the rest of the stormtroppers escort the author down to the stage.

the crowd is silent.

the sun is setting.

the ones who haven't left their parents basement in years let out a sigh of relief.

the sun no longer can burn their pasty white flesh.

the author begins to speak.

the crowd soaks up his every word.

i wonder what in the world he is talking about.

am i not a true star wars lover?

am i just a wannabe?

i allow my mind to wonder while recording.

i start to make fun of the people around me.

my friend nate is standing beside me. i look to him to laugh. i look to him to help me make fun of the "mole people", but i discover he is also a mole person. maybe not the the extreme as the rest of the crowd, but he is one of them deep down.

i feel out of place.

i feel like the black ball in a bag full of white ones.

i feel very cool.

many of you may read this and think i am being rude, but i am not.

it turns out that i really enjoyed myself.

sure there were some dorks, but who am i to judge. i read comics. i wear superhero underwear.

it was just nice to feel cool for a few hours.

below i am going to paste the article my friend tyler wrote of the 501st. that is all i am going to say about that.



Troop final roster:
Tyler - TK
Justin - TK
Tony - Clone
Darren - Boba
Cadet - TK
Deb - Officer
Mike - Jedi
???? - Rebel Trooper
Angie - Photographer
Betty - Betty
Ben - Angies handler

Early morning trip report:

I got there with a handler (Tommy) around 6:15 and by that time Justin, Cadet, and Mike (Jedi) were already suiting up in an upstairs room. Made contact with the girls runnin the show for us, super sweet ladies who laid out some simple plans.
Tony and his son got there and we started suiting up. The girls from the store brought Aaron in and introduced us. We got some books set back and went ahead and got them signed. Darren showed up about 20 mins before the event started and had a record setting time gettin into his Boba. Then we had a surprise guest show up, Deb came and asked if we needed her to suit up in her Officer, that was a dumb question. It really helped having someone who could hear and see. We also had a last minute rebel like the ones on Tantive IV show up so we had a nice set of targets.

7:05 we roll out escorting Aaron to the fountain area. There was a nice crowd gathered waiting for the Q&A and a pretty nice crowd out in the store waiting for the 501st! We were positioned behind the stage during the the Q&A. They gave us a nice intro then let Aaron talk and he even mentioned us in one of his stories. Then gave Aaron a nice easy to follow escort to his signing table, we stood guard and let him get situated then moved out to mingle with the crowd. As soon as we moved a good portion of the people around the signing area moved with us.

Lots of parents had brought there kids out to see us and they moved away from the line which actually helped people in the line move through faster. We had a good time takin picks and entertaining the kids big and small. We handed out lots of tattoos and cards, it seems like gifts will really open up shy or scared kids to the bad guys.

I think we made contact with some potential recruits and actually had one guy there acting as a handler who is interested in some of Coreys clone armor. There were some really great moments too, I had an excellent moment with a kid that was a little timid of the troopers. We played a game of "copy cat" or what ever you call it where I mocked all his actions and words and he really opened up and had fun and lost his fear of the TK's.
Tony had a great moment with a young fan that he can tell you about. Just around 9:10 we noticed that we had an extra TK who turned out to be TK-Tim who had snuck in on us.

We hung around until everyone had went through the line to get their book signed. The last person was the Pres of the KSWCC and his little kid was standin there singing the Star Wars theme it was pretty cool to hear a little voice belting out "Da Daa Dun, Da Daa Dun, Da Daaaa Dun Dun"

Then Aaron posed with us for the mandatory group shots with buckets on and off. He finished signing store stock and then I gave him a ride to TGI Fridays to eat with us. We kinda overwhelmed them with our big crowd that late but they were awesome and took great care of us. Aaron seemed to have a good time just relaxing and hanging out, he said he really appreciated what the 501st did here and everywhere. We ate, we talked, we laughed, we rolled out around 11:30. TK-Tim assisted in givin Aaron a ride downtown to his hotel. Aside from the wacky troubles that seem to follow me and him on all troops everything went like clockwork.

Excellent troop MSG, wish some of the TN guys could make it but understand that its hard to do a late troop on a weeknight.
Im sure there is more that other people want to add like (Betty and Angie gettin in trouble for talkin) and pics to come.

--
Tyler Phillips
TK-1143
www.501stso.com

link

spring fever

not saying that i become lazy during the winter months, but these past few days i have worked like a crazed manual labor loving man.

it all started when i ordered some shrubs (which i discovered that all shrubs are the same. you have to cut them round or square. i didn't know this until i was ready to order them).

my goal for this spring is to get the yard looking a lot better. i started by uprooting little bushes that were half dead. then i moved on to planting shrubs(20). then i had to purchase landscaping timbers (you have to make things look neat and clean. it also keeps me from running over the mulch with the lawnmower).

i drove to the local hardware store (the one i used to work at) and purchased 5 landscape timbers. the only problem is... i drive a ford focus. so fitting 5 8 foot timbers in the car was a task, but we did it. i just had to drive really slow. if i were to slam on my brakes i would have lost my windshield.

i worked feverishly on the yard. measuring, planting, shoveling, avoiding dog poop, and mulching (not sure that is a word or not).

after working all afternoon on the yard, i decided to switch gears and start working on an old desk my father had given me.

i finished striping off the paint and i actually varnished it all in one day.
i must admit the smell of varnish did get to me a time or two, but i still enjoyed working hard. now i have finished this desk from my father's childhood. as soon as the smell of the varnish goes away, i will bring it into the house and display my manly work.

this scares the poo out of me. i have always been one who claimed they were allergic to manual labor. i used to fake being sick to get out of racking leaves (which never worked. my dad said the sweat would make me feel better. it never did).

why do i now enjoy such tasks? could it be that i am going to become my father and do riley the same way he did me? am i going to trick him into sports only to end up having him hate them...oh wait... i hate sports. what if he hates comic books? what will i do then?

on a more depressing note...

brant killed a huge beetle.

it is a sad day in lee county.

OH YEAH! tomorrow i get to go to a star wars thing with tyler (he dresses like a stormtropper and is part of the 501st). this is going to be a real treat for me. i have never been in a room full of people that will make me feel better about myself unless i am at a family christian bookstore.
of course i can't make fun of tyler... he isn't that big of a nerd. he can actually carry a normal conversation about comic books.. he isn't always star wars talk...

getting old

it is true.
my back is hurting.
my right shoulder is killing me.
i have silver hair.

what really hit home was when i received "bestlife" magazine. a magazine for aging men. articles telling me how to survive a mid-life crisis, how to handle balding, how to look ten years younger, and a few "adult situation" topics.

when did i become old?
will i stop laughing at fart jokes?
will i stop watching cartoons?
will i actually stop writing notes during church?

the questions and fears that haunt my mind (shudder).

how do you handle getting old?
should i buy a sports car?
play golf?
get a hair piece?

what do i do?

quick question

last night to save time i brushed my teeth while i peed.
angie said it was disgusting.
i thought it was a clever way to do two things at once.
what do you think?
should i be ashamed for even asking such a thing?

his first time

tomorrow i am taking riley for his check up alone. normally angie and her mother take him since i am normally sitting in court, but tomorrow is a boys day out.
so i figure after he gets his temperature taken and weighed, we will head to my comic book store. it will be a powerful moment. i will have to fight the tears as i look into his big blue eyes and see batman's reflection. as he reaches for an action figure (toys to the layman). as all of the other comic book nerds stare and wonder how come i am not living in my mother's basement, why i wear size 33 pants, and how did i ever get married to a girl that doesn't have a tattoo of the wonder woman symbol on their right butt cheek. that is when they realize.... i am their god (lower case g). i am not bound to the rules that apply to most comic book nerds.

tomorrow will be a glorious day.

do i dare speak?

a few months ago (more like 7) i spoke at my home church about "why i don't like christians". before you start jumping to conclusions, i was included in that list of reasons why. it went over well with most people at my church, but i assumed it sealed my coffin. i would no longer be asked to preach (i have a problem with wanting to shock people).

that really didn't bother me that much. i never looked at myself as the preacher type. even though i did kind of pastor a church for a year and i still am a youth pastor, but i have never felt comfortable in the position to tell people what God's word says behind a huge wooden box.

yet, last weekend my pastor asked me to preach on sunday morning. i was shocked, but i was up to the challenge. all week long my mind tried to figure out what i would speak about. so around saturday night it finally came to me (or i thought i did). i was going to talk about "coming to terms with salvation".

i have never been a fan of the pray after me prayer and i believed there was more to my salvation than a quick prayer. i don't believe that salvation can be understood over night or within a year.

it was going to be a message showing how we grow into salvation.

now i am not saying that i was not saved when i said my prayer. i just don't believe i understood it. it was not as easily explained as i had been told in the past or as i was trained to do (many nights i would wrestle with the way things were done in the name of God while in the ministry).

sunday morning while "teaching" my sunday school class, one of the students suggested that i change the title of the message to "evolution of my faith".

speaking at a small country church and throwing the word evolution into the mix could always be considered dangerous, but i knew my church family would listen even if they didn't agree.

needless to say i was very nervous, but it went over well. i confessed my fear and questioning of the Bible. how i have a hard time with the apostle paul's writings, and struggle with coming to terms with being a father.

but when riley was born i fell in love with him and i also started to finally understand the sacrifice God made. 27 years and i still don't understand it completely, but slowly getting there.

i was also able to make fun of southland Bible institute. point out the insane ways they controlled young christians to form to their screwed up view of faith (you always need to make people laugh).
thank God i realized they were full of IT. :)

after the service some people said some really nice things to me, but the person i wanted the approval from the most loved it (angie would honestly tell me if it sucked or not, but not in those words).


on a side note:
i went to see watchmen last night in lexington with tyler and nate. awesome movie. awkward moments.

girl scout cookies are from hell

you read that right. the girl scouts work for satan. only he could make cookies so good...yet so wrong. as i sit here and write i eat a cookie. a sweet short bread cookie.. slowly dipping it into milk. letting it slowly slip between my lips. milk runs down my chin and falls ever so lightly on my chest. oh great... now i am writing cookie porn... this cookies are baked in hell's flames.

paintball pain

i just want to know who shot me in the butt?!?

sunday morning poop

i took this video with my cell... i wanted to capture my little boy talking, but in the middle of the conversation, i realized he was doing more than talking. at the end of the video you can tell that he takes his pooping very serious.

force of habit

i am a lazy blogger.
i have a lot i could blog about, but i would rather just avoid typing about them.
i fear that i am becoming old and boring.
so while sitting in court thinking about how lazy i have become, i was playing with a rubber band.
arguments are going back and forth over a repeat offender.
we have a different judge sitting on the bench.
a court room full of people.
my bladder is full.
i am bad at blogging.
next thing i know, the rubber band goes flying out of my hands in the middle of a sheriff testifying to what he had witnessed.
i look around. i laugh at first, but realize i am being recorded. so i try to play it cool. making sure that no one really noticed my stupid move.

a voice in my head asks me when i am going to grow up... at that same time i take another rubber band and begin to play with it. i hope i still have some crunch berries.

winter months

i think i have blogged before about how i hate the winter months.
dark, cold, depressing, and ice.

this has been one of the coldest winters we have had in my small town.
ice falling from the sky. freezing everything. causing electricity to go out. phones to not work, and worst of all... i spent a few hours with a crazed lunatic!
i can't go into too much great detail, but this person is in love with an egg and a medieval slave that sings song about a land named after a cow.
i know, i know... i am not very tolerant of other people. just trust me when i say, you would have felt the same if you were me.

so now as i sit and wait for my world to thaw a little, i pass the time by playing pac-man and searching the dvr for old family guys... only to discover my lovely wife has deleted them all. thanks ang!

i almost forgot to mention i have a new dog!
my heart is still broken over the death of wondergirl, and i was not out looking for a new dog. i never expected that i would turn into my twin sister and take a stray home. yet, i did. he is not the cutest thing ever, but he is sweet and lovable.
he doesn't bark, bite, or jump on you.
ang was not too thrilled that i brought him home, but she was glad that i saved him from being killed by the local pound.
so now we have a dog called bosco. not sure why i picked that name, but it fits.

jasper has been doing really well. he is growing like crazy and pooping a lot more grown up looking messes. it is kind of unsettling when your son can out fart you. there is a sense of pride, don't get me wrong... i just was not prepared for him to excel over me so soon.

i forced myself to write this blog... i hope many of you find something of use in it. i just wonder if anyone noticed i typed "martian luther king" in my last blog.
i was going to change it, but it shows how big of a comic book nerd i am or how little i pay attention to what i write.

115 days of sleeping in

on the way to church sunday morning my wife informed me that she has been waking up with riley for 115 days straight.

my response: "hmmm".

the conversation then made an awkward turn (if i would have been paying attention to what she was saying i would have noticed this).

"you are off tomorrow for martian luther king jr. day aren't you."

"yep." i said too quickly.

"what do you think you will do tomorrow?"

"i have no idea."

she sat there quietly waiting for me to offer something.

"would you like to get up with riley tomorrow morning?"

dang! i fell into her trap. she had me cornered and there was nowhere i could run. no excuse to get me out of waking up early. nothing. i began to panic.

"of course i would love to get up with riley." i forced a smile.

"thank you."

she knew she had won, but that is ok. i am the father and i should be willing to give up a few hours of sleep to spend time with my wonderful little boy.

that night she reminded me what bottle to give him and he normally wakes up around 6:45 or 7. i took a deep breath and smiled.

"this won't be too bad. i need to start waking up earlier anyway." ugh....

around 7 i heard him stirring. crap. he is waking up and i am not ready to deal with wet diapers, his wet farts, and warming his bottle. i know. i know... i am lazy.
i got up and i noticed his eyes were still closed... i put his pasafyer in his mouth and he started snoring. joy filled my heart!
i laid back down and i poked ang...

"he is still sleeping." my smile was from ear to ear.

she rolled over.

i fell asleep.

8:10: he finally wakes up. the good thing about riley is, he is always smiling when you greet him in the mornings. never crying. just smiling.

i pick him up and noticed he is soaked... dang you luvs... i change him and warm his bottle. he eats fast and burps loud. i was so proud of him for letting me sleep in. i knew he was going to be a daddy's boy in that moment.

we spend the rest of the morning on the couch waiting for his mommy to get up, while vh1 is playing in the back ground. he loves watching people dance. i think his favorite is brittney spears, but i explained to him she isn't safe around babies.

when ang finally woke up, he and i were both nearly asleep again...

it's so nice to wake up early with my boy.

thanks ang for asking me to get up with him. little did you know it would be the day he wanted to sleep in.

on a side note:
i was talking to tyler during lunch today he reminded of a story from my childhood.

my mother always taught me to turn my head and sneeze if my hands were full. i always listened to what my mother told me... she was swift with the hand if i didn't listen (it was always out of love... trust me. i was a brat).

one day while at the group urinal (like a small tub) talking about the history test we just faced at a young age of 9 (how mr.brandenburg was a mean fat man and why did the one girl always look at her hands all the time.) i felt a sneeze coming on. one hand holding my shirt up, the other holding...well you know. i had no other choice, but to turn my head. when i turned my head to sneeze, i also turned my whole body. still in midstream, i covered millard thomas in my pee. in that moment i knew i was going to die, but thankfully he just threatened me.

that's it... random pee story.

freaky dreams

i have always had a knack for weird dreams. dreams that cause me to talk in my sleep about the rock people who act like they are called eddie. yet, i have never had a dream to cause me to think so much about my life.

last night i had a series of dreams.

part one: the book signing.
i was at a large book signing for my friend james. it was so crowded that i was only able to hear him speak. the crowd kept getting thicker and thicker. i was feeling trapped and i was unable to get my jacket off... i started to panic and then before i had a chance to freak out i jumped to...

part two: billy graham.
i was seeing images of billy graham at a young age. footage of him working in the kitchen and a garage. i listened to him talk about his life and just laugh. it was odd, but seemed really familiar to me.
as i watch the black and white video, i quickly moved to...

part three: the FBI van.
i was sitting in the middle seat of the van. i was pretty calm until i looked down at my wrist and noticed my tattoo was gone. i freaked because my tattoo reminds me that i need to be rescued daily by God (i know some people are saying "you need a tattoo for that?" my answer is YES... SO LEAVE ME ALONE...). the FBI agent in the passenger seat turned around and took my arm. he looked at it for a few seconds and then spoke.
"i can tell you your future if you really want to know."
"ok."
he turned my hand over and and this weird thing appeared on my arm. some of the veins turned red and it made a path with a fork in the road.
"you are on the raven's path."
i had no idea what he was talking about. yet he kept talking.
"you will become the black sheep of the family. you will no longer feel comfortable with those you love. you are going down a path that is going to be hard and lonely."
i felt my heart get heavy and i felt fear take over. then he took my hand and told me something that woke me up from my sleep.
"trust me and it will be alright."

the clock was showing 3:03. i rolled over and went back to sleep.

my mind took me to youth haven Bible camp. timmy estes was there and he was crying.

"what is wrong?"

"my house burned down again."

the alarm goes off.

i am not sure what causes us to dream such dreams. i seem to keep having them over and over again... maybe i have been watching too many cartoons and listening to music that men on acid wrote... who knows.

just thought i would let you into my mind for a few minutes. scary isn't it.

marley and me

this will be one of the times i will regret confessing my lack of manliness.
i will share a part of me that most have never seen.

saturday night a few of us went to the movies. we all agreed to watch marley and me. very funny movie, but very sad.

since i recently lost my best friend (wondergirl), it was hard for me to contain the tears.

so there i sat in the theater crying. my wife hardly shedding a tear.

i tried to think of ways to cover up that i was crying, but none worked.

i am such a sap.

i failed the challenge

what changed and what should keep changing

i believe it is expected out of every blogger to write something about the end of a year and the beginning of another. so i am going to attempt to write something about the closing of 2008. nothing profound or enlightening... just me being me...

in the beginning of 2008 my goal was to lose weight (who doesn't have that goal), to not stress over the small things, and to grow closer to God. i honestly think i have the same goals every year... yet, i think this year i reached one of my goals.

i was able to lose a few more pounds (36 inch waist to 33), but still don't have the beach bod i want.. so this year i am going to keep working on that.

i didn't grow closer to God. in some ways i grew further away. seeing what i see in court causes me to some times wonder why He lets so many bad things happen to little kids. i know there is going to be an answer from the conservative type, but some times i just don't buy it.

i also still stress over the little things inside. i have a hard time admitting when i am overwhelmed by something. i can walk around for days not showing that there is a battle going on inside my head... then one day i will explode and my mouth will end up causing more damage than a fat man sitting in a plastic lawn chair from dollar general.

so this new year that is coming up, i am going to focus on who i am supposed to be. too long i have tried to please everyone around me and i have forgotten who i was created to be.

now i want to do a list of things that have happened this year.

riley thomas was born (greatest day of my life).
my sister got cancer again (worst day of my life).
the avatar ended (i cried).
the dark knight (i peed my pants)!
i got a tattoo.
angie didn't kill me when we got a bank statement (monthly danger i face).
wondergirl was missing and then returned 10 days later.
wongergirl was killed 5 months after that.
i shaved my head and discovered i have an odd shaped head.
i tore something inside me and bled for months.
due to james' wonderful attachments, i no longer can open his e-mails at work.
riley no longer likes yoshima, but cold play.
3 months of no fights with father in-law.
discovered that belly button lint stinks.
got my toe stuck in a chair (long story).
married josh and rue.
josh moved (sad day).
did my first jewish/christian wedding.
lost more hair and naired my back and got burned.
passed out in the bathroom (due to a sickness) and woke up with my head on the toilet.
got batman lego and my life has been forever changed...

this is a small list. i just thought i would throw a few things out there...

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

hope you all have a wonderful day!

ready to hit the road

today i leave for st.louis. i am not sure what time i will be hitting the road. it is all up to the judge. it seems like every year court falls on the day i need to travel.

last year i didn't get to st.louis til 4 in the morning. it was one of the longest drives of my life. i remember having a hard time staying awake, but thankfully this year i am stopping for coffee every chance i get.

so, i guess i am writing to say merry christmas to everyone. i really hope you have a wonderful time with family and friends...

love ya!

observation...not my wife's strongest gift

normally i try to avoid bringing up touchy subjects between my wife and i... yet today i cannot avoid it. i can no longer be silent about my smart talented wife's lesser and unused gift.

since ang and i have been dating i have noticed her lack of observing those around her while she shops in wal-mart. she enjoys blocking the aisles with her cart. blocking people's view of the items they are shopping for.

me being the wonderful person i am - i am always aware of those around me. always trying to make sure i am not in any one's way. i am even more sensitive during the holiday season. tensions are high amongst the christmas shoppers and they are easily set of by the slightest inconvenience.

last night we went to wal-mart and i really tried hard not to be uptight while she shopped. i even took the cart so she wouldn't be able to block, run in to, or annoy any other shoppers.

most of the shopping experience was uneventful. just once when she backed into a woman's path to a picture frame. me being the good husband i am, i just smiled at the lady and she kept walking.

on the way home angie and i talked about what i had observed. she accused me of overreacting. i pressed harder that i was correct. she pressed harder that i was wrong and just an uptight person.

thankfully we never actually got heated on this subject.

some of you may wonder why i am writing such a blog to talk about my wife... because i want the world to be on the look out for my wife in wal-mart.

christmas past

for some reason i have started to think about christmas with my family.
it maybe cause i won't get to see them until after christmas or it could be the fact that there was always something to make christmas stick out more in my mind.

one year i received a cabbage patch khoosa (a dog i called coco). i was maybe 7 years old and i remember getting a "swat" to my butt for pointing out that his outfit had a tail hole (a place for his tail to stick out). how was i to know i was saying something i should not have?! it is still a happy memory.

there was a year my granny bought me a bunch of he-man action figures. i was so happy. it was the he-man with battle damage (you hit his chest and a scratch would appear in his armor. hit him again and another scratch would appear). i spent most of christmas playing up stairs with he-man. only food was able to pull me away from my action figures.

two weeks later his leg broke off... it was a sad day.

when i was a freshman in high school my papaw bought some of us burial plots. i was not thrilled. how do you say "thank you" when you only get to use it in death?
i know now he was just looking out for us, but still! throw a couple of dollars in there or something!

so this year i am looking forward to my son's first christmas. i want to make each one a good or odd memory. i want him to look back and see his dad as a lot of fun and always making things a little more interesting.

i am sorry that this blog seems to be all over the place. i am sitting in court and i am trying to act like i am paying attention... so hard to play the role of an adult.

oh the holidays

it seems like every year i end up spending most of my time in the courtroom.
last year after spending 12 hours in court i drove to st.louis to spend christmas with my wife's family. the long drive and many cups off coffee left me feeling less festive the next day.

this year i will be spending the day before christmas eve in court and then driving once again to st.louis.

i am not complaining about the drive or court.

i am complaining because i won't get to spend time with my brother in-law's. i always look forward to spending quality time making fun of the family with them.

it turns out the day i arrive in st.louis is the day they leave for home. i knew growing up was going to be hard, but no one told me that having a job would keep me from doing the things i love.

on a side note...

jasper was part of his first christmas program last night. even though he is only 2 months old, i must say he was the best actor up there. he did everything he was supposed to.

i was a proud father. the rest of the parents must of hung their heads in shame when they saw my little boy take the stage.

now i sit in a courtroom waiting for court to start. thankfully today is going to be a short day, but tomorrow is going to be a longer one.

i am getting sick of looking at the people in court. it is the same people over and over again. i don't understand why people just can't stay out of trouble.

ok... i am going to stop complaining. i have a lot more to complain about, but i won't.

don't worry james... i won't mention how people get to know me to get to you...
someday i will reach your level of greatness...

things i can use to start fights with the in-laws over christmas

too many this will be a shock....but i don't always agree with my in-laws. i know, i know... i get a long with everyone - why would i want to start a fight between me and my wife's family?

1. it's fun.
2. we never really get mad.
3. my father in-law and i have always argued. it is part of our friendship.
4. it wouldn't be christmas without making angie uncomfortable (she often worries what is going to come out of my mouth next).
5. they can't stay mad at me too long... i have a baby.

so as i sit here at my desk, i think of great topics to bring up. like george w. saying he doesn't believe the Bible is literal. WOW!!! W. is like one of the apostles to some people. could this be? could he not be as great as some people in my family think?

what about bringing up the american flag standing erect in the church? seems kind of odd to have a national idol in the church doesn't it?

maybe why i think charlie daniels music is annoying?

or how fox news is actually pushing porn with their website.

i don't say these things because i strongly believe in them, but because of the reaction i receive from her father. it brings holiday joy to my heart.

steve knows i love to annoy him.... just like he likes to annoy me. it is a beautiful friendship. if we were to always be nice to each other... i would worry.

topix.com

recently a website has been brought to my attention by some of the teens in my youth group. normally i just ignore what they talk about. assuming it is nothing more than teenage stupidity, but for some reason i visited this website.

i discovered i was wrong. a lot of teens do post some retarded things, but i also discovered that a lot of adults spend a lot of time on this website. they waste their time posting horrible comments about the locals and what they think about the appco workers.

it is a website meant for local news, but has become a place for prep haters to voice their feelings about being skanks, husbands to talk about cheating on their wives, middle school kids poll people to see who they should date, and pastor's children to be attacked for being children.

this website is completely retarded... and i love it. not because i read about which lee county middle school girl is ugly, but because i am entertained by how low people will go when their identity is safe.

i know, i know.... shame on me for going to such a lowbrow website, but come on!!! it is local news!!!!

jasper's Christmas list

my last two blogs have been somewhat sad. so i figured i would try to lighten the mood...
so i am going to post jasper's Christmas list.

a Wii for daddy.
a Mac book pro for daddy.
a blackberry for daddy.
batman lego for ds for daddy.
an ink pen for mommy.
and last but not least.... the ability to control my arms.

isn't he the sweetest little boy. always thinking of others.

skippy

this morning wondergirl's little friend skippy came to visit her this morning. i almost started to cry.. i sat him down and explained to him that she was never coming back, but he kept looking for her. he went into her dog house, to her favorite spot on the porch, then he ran down to the garage... it was sad. then he found her. he found the spot she was buried. he just sniffed around with his tail wagging, but then it stopped once he realized she wasn't coming out of the ground. it was sad. so i fixed him some food and went on to work.
i never realized how much i would love that dog. i will miss walking with her to the lake. throwing sticks in the air. watching her act like she is going to attack me, but then to have her just jump up and kiss me.
*sigh....

i will miss you

today i lost my best friend. sure she couldn't really talk and she liked to jump on me a lot, but i loved her. she was the best dog ever... i wish i wouldn't have let you out for that split second.

the first snow....

it is november. it snowed an inch. i discovered this while in my underwear.
it was cold.
it was wet.
my tooth was killing me.

to make a long story short. my bottom wisdom tooth has yet to come in. i am 30 years old. it seems like they should have come through by now... i have already had the top two pulled, but the bottom two have plenty of room to grow (or so the nazi dentist says).

it really hurts when they start pushing through. so when i woke up at 1 this morning with throbbing pain in my mouth, i knew i needed something to end it quickly. the bad thing was that my ambesoll was in the car.

as i was laying in bed i fought with getting up and going to get it. i thought maybe i could just make my mind think about something else... it worked for 10 seconds.
i got up and just ran outside as quickly as i could. my body met the shock of cold and me feet discovered the inch of snow was cruel.

some may ask...

"was it worth it?"

yes and no. after applying a lot of this numbing gel i was able to sleep for 4 more hours.

then at 4 i woke up with the pain screaming in my mouth...

i remembered something my uncle had said years ago.

"whiskey can kill any pain."

i got out of bed and searched for the whiskey i had received for a gift last year.
thankfully i found it buried under some cooking supplies...

i took a big swig and started to swish it... it burned, but to my surprise it killed the pain... my breath was bad, but my mouth felt wonderful.

that is the story of the first snow.

cold weather and early nights

i have mentioned once before how much i hate the time change.
i have to say it again.

I HATE THE TIME CHANGE!

i don't like getting tired by 6 p.m., i don't like it getting dark by 5, i don't like freezing while walking my dog, and i don't like waking up with snow on my car...

now that i got that out of the way... i am going to tell you a story.

saturday night i returned after a long uneventful day in lexington. i was tired, hungry, and was not in the mood to have my dog jump on me and get me muddy... needless to say she didn't care.

as soon as i let her out she jumped up on me. i tried to hold her off, but she kept jumping. somehow she knocked my wedding ring off (since i have lost 30 pounds since i got married the ring doesn't fit as well). i heard it hit the concrete and that was it.

since it was already dark i turned my car lights on and started searching for my ring. about 45 minutes into the search i decided to give up until the morning. my hands were numb and my temper was up... i was not in the mood to keep searching.

that night angie called (she and jasper were in st.louis). i wasn't going to tell her, but i thought it would be better to go ahead and let her know that our evil dog had caused me to lose my wedding ring.

thankfully she didn't get upset, but i could tell she was feeling sorry for me (i had told her that to comfort myself i ate a whole can of tomato soup and a grilled cheese).

after a good nights sleep, i got up to look for the ring again. after 15 minutes of searching i gave up. i was going to be late for work and i didn't want to start my day off in a bad mood.

i fed the dog and was walking towards to the trash can when i noticed my ring. apparently when it hit the concrete it bounced pretty far from where i was standing...

that was my boring story... i know i live a really dull life... not my fault. i blame the town...

a list of things i need to work on

1. wake up before 7:15.
2. actually pay attention when in a church service.
3. stop making fun of people who try too hard.
4. stop making fun of people who think they are cool.
5. stop making fun of people who actually are cool.
6. stop making fun of people who say "this is true".
7. stop making fun of people who like country music (i don't make fun of my wife... ok i do).
8. stop making fun of people for being stupid.
9. stop making fun of people for being smart.
10. stop making fun of people for who they voted for.
11. check my oil more often.
12. pay attention in court.
13. workout more.
14. help with the laundry.
15. stop speeding (as much).
16. stop blogging at work.

bad burgers and crazy dreams

i am not sure about the rest of america, but i had the day off yesterday. i honored our vets by staying home and doing nothing important. i spent most of the day laying around with jasper and eating. i felt very patriotic.

since i was home ang was able to go to the grocery store (some may be surprised that she trusts me alone with jasper, but he enjoys watching cartoons with his daddy).

she returned with wonderful food (cap'n crunch with crunch berries) and some that was not so wonderful.

she was trying to be a good wife and find foods that won't upset my tender tummy. yet, i am not sure veggie burgers are the best for that. i decided to try them. so i grilled them for dinner.

while i was grilling satan's burgers, james called to ask me some random questions about a job offer (different story... different blog). during the conversation i was able to get a good smell of the burgers. it wasn't a smell that i enjoyed. it kind of made me think about a nursing home. i mentioned what i was making and his response was "why?" . the more he and i talked about the burgers the more i realized that they were going to be nasty. i couldn't even tell when they were cooked .

i fixed angie's plate of food and apologized to jasper for what he was going to eat in a few hours. after trying to find things to cover the burger to make it taste better, i sat down to partake of the wonderful meal (not to act better than anyone, but angie started eating before we prayed), took a deep breath, opened wide, and took a bite.

it wasn't as bad as my mind had made it, but it wasn't good. i wasn't even able to finish this veggie burger.

now on to the dream:

i have been known to have some crazy dreams, but this one really beats anything else i have ever dreamed. i am somewhat nervous about even admitting this, but what the heck...

it started out with me behind stage and nervous (this happens often in my dreams. i am about to perform and i don't remember what i was going to sing). when the curtains opened i started to dance...

dear God i am a ballerina!

i am wearing the tights and everything. we move into the crowd and kept dancing. everything seemed to be going well. then the instructor looks back at me and asks...

"where's bowser?"

oh my goodness.... i am in mario bros. the ballet..

"you must be bowser!" the instructor screams...

"me?"

that was the point where i woke up. it was one of the oddest dreams i have ever had.

i believe i will regret this blog.

dog pillow

saturday i bought wondergirl a really nice dog pillow. i worry about her getting cold in this winter like weather.

when i showed ang the nice pillow she told me she would kill the dog if she tore it up. i tried to convince her that wondergirl would never do something like that (even though deep down i know she is an evil dog who likes to destroy anything and everything around her).

saturday night she did well.

sunday morning i walked outside to feed her and the pillow was still intact. i was proud of my dog. she was showing real maturity.

this morning i was running late as usual.

i stepped outside and saw green fluff every where.

i looked in her lot and there she was... covered in green fluff. the nice pillow shredded all around her. i lost my temper and i wanted to spank her, but i couldn't bring myself to beat her.

i hurried and picked up all of her mess and threw it away.

i didn't want ang to see that she was right.

i hate when ang is right. it happens too often. i always seem to be finding myself on the side of wrong. it sucks being there. she always brings it up too... she likes to remind me of my less prideful moments...

to the man in the men's room

dear man in the men's restroom in the courthouse,
i do not know you, nor do i know your face. but i do know your smell.
each day around 11 a.m you bless us with your stench. it fills not only the restroom, but my office. a smell that cannot be described any other way but the smell of death.

please take no offense to what i am saying. you may actually be near death's door, but could you please light a match? i cannot handle the smell much longer. to have people walk into the office and believe it is me who unleashed the apocalypse is never a fun thing.

the worst is when i walk in the restroom while you are in the process of dying. the heavy breathing and grunting can be helped. you could also flush the toilet while you are still in the middle of creating your havoc.

your smell clings to my clothes and nose hairs.

like i said before, i mean no offense... just please bring some matches or find somewhere else to die.

the end is near

apparently i am going to be forced into adulthood...

DC Comics is cancelling Robin's Comic!!!! i have read this comic since i was in high school... how could this happen. it is the end of my innocence...

first my hair and now this?!

when will i grow up?

as a teenager i believed that i would be a mature adult by the time i reached 25. when i was 25 i assumed that i would act more like an adult when i turned 30.
now that i am 30, i am guessing that by the time i am 40 i will grow up.

the sad thing is that i was also told that once you become a parent you automatically become an adult (this may have been one of the reasons why i was so nervous about becoming a father). boy were they wrong.

i envisioned me getting up at 6 in the morning and making coffee and watching the morning news. i imagined that i would spend my evenings working in the basement on different projects. i was hoping that i would have learned how to work on a car and i would always know what that odd sound was coming from the engine.

it has yet to happen.

i still sleep in on my days off. on a work day i wake up at 7:15 and rush to work. in the evenings i play with jasper and watch cartoons until it is time for me to go to bed. i still spend 20 something (ang says i "waste") dollars on comics. i forget to change the oil in my car and i almost run out of gas at least once a week. i show up to work barely awake and i constantly forget to put things on the docket.

how can i force adulthood on myself? how can i become a more responsible adult.

do i give up comics, cartoons, kool-aid?

or should i just let nature take it's course? will it happen in time?

who knows and honestly... i don't think i care as much as i did when i first started this blog post.

i know one thing.... i have seen too many things in court that makes me thankful that i have this retarded mind.

some nights i come home and can easily push aside the horrible acts that have taken place in this small town.

so... i guess i will become an adult when i die... i just hope they don't find my bloated body with twinkies all around me and super friends blasting on the television.

i am sick of politics

i am not a very political person. i have never enjoy talking about politics, nor have i a desire. it has always just seemed very boring and honestly too big of an adult conversation (which greater proves that i am immature. forget the fact that i have comic books in my bathroom and action figures in the basement).

but i do know enough to know when people are just being stupid. for some reason a lot of people think that if you are a christian you are automatically a conservative. so therefore i must be voting for mccain.

i hate that. i hate that people believe eternity hinges on the next president of america (cause Jesus loves the great U.S. more than any other country).

i listened to someone yesterday talking

"i am praying that God's man (mccain) gets into the white house and by some small chance if obama gets in we will know that it is God's judgment on america."

what? have we really gone this off course from what we were called to do? what was it Jesus said??? oh yeah.. love.

such a simple word, but seems like it means nothing to the christian community. i hear more talks about the next president more than helping the family that has lost it all in a fire.

tone change:

a month or two ago i was "blessed" to listen to a man named whitey adkins try to convince me to vote for him. it was an annoying conversation and there was no way he was going to get my vote.

1. he bleaches his hair orange.
2. he likes to talk about himself way too much.
3. he just doesn't seem to be a trust worthy person.

but today all of that changed.

he came into the circuit clerk's office with sausage biscuits for all of us. he didn't talk long thankfully, but he brought us breakfast. food. it was actually good too.

so now i may vote for him. who cares if he introduced himself to me for the 4th time. who cares that he has no history of political experience. who cares that he is hooked on himself.

he brought me breakfast. that is how you get my vote.

hump day

as a kid this term confused me, but i will not get into that boring story. i would rather tell you about the trials i have faced today. this will shock and awe you. your heart will break and you will find tears welling up in your eyes. you will look to the heavens and ask "why?".

but please don't feel bad for me. for i am human and though these trials may seem large, they are nothing compared to what countless others face across this floating ball we call earth.

it started this morning as i was pulling out of the driveway. i noticed that i had an uncomfortable pain in the lowest part of my back. i couldn't figure out why. as i drove i kept on trying to adjust myself to make the pain/annoyance go away. nothing worked.

here i was wearing a pair of my wedge proof underwear and not getting the satisfaction that was promised to me. each time i would move my foot to the brake, the underwear would move up a little bit more. it was becoming so unbearable.

when i exited my car i looked around quickly to see if anyone was watch.
coast was clear.
i dug them out and took a few steps...
BAM!
they were back where they didn't belong.

so now i am trying to make it through the day with my underwear in my bum. not much fun...

on a more positive note:
i got a pumpkin pie blizzard from DQ!!!

i had forgotten about my favorite seasonal flavor, but thankfully josh reminded me the other day (i owe you one!).

oh it is pure heaven to partake of such a frozen treat.

the only bad thing is.... i end up getting sick from eating one.

my wife asks "why do you eat those if you know you will get sick?"

"it is worth the 30 minutes on the toilet! trust me... ok?"

so now i am sitting at work. underwear up my crack. pumpkin pie blizzard in my belly. i hope i can make it home before i get sick!

begging for money

every where i turn it seems like someone is begging for money. i go to church, some kid asks me to buy a candle off of them. i go to the store and someone is wanting a few dollars to help out the shriners. i go to work and look up from my desk and there is a man wanting to know if i want to buy a homemade cake with a pumpkin drawn on it. 10 bucks for a white 10inch cake! not only is it a small cake... it is for the republican woman's club. what do they need the money for? are they going to send it to mccain? are they going to give it to the needy? i have no clue what they are planning on doing with the funds, but why? why ask a man if he wants a cake that he could make himself (i would like to point out that i do have the ability to cook)?

i know i seem hard hearted towards the needs of the girl scouts and the republican women, but it's not like i make a ton of money and that i enjoy giving it away to ever fundraiser around me. i just always feel guilty if i don't give.

kind of like when i am in church and i know i have already given my tithe, but every time the plate goes by i still put money in it. maybe i was born this way? who knows.

when i used to be with the mission i hated going to churches and asking for money. it just didn't seem right to me. i would talk about living by faith and yet i would ask them to provide for me. where was the faith in that?

please don't get me wrong. i don't think that missionaries don't walk out on faith. it just wasn't me. that maybe one of the big reasons why i don't belong with a mission.

it's always a tough subject to talk about in a church setting anyway. money... it is a bad word. i think i could say the f-word and receive a better reception.

so as i sit here and ramble i pray that i don't have to see another fundraiser today. i don't think my little heart can take it.

on a side note: i ate a sandwich made from white bread today. i haven't done that in a long time. it was a good sandwich, but the bread kept sticking to the roof of my mouth. why is that?

oh white bread. i used to love eating you. making a jelly sandwich and watching he-man. we had some good times, but you have been replaced by wheat bread. much darker. better for me. keeps the ole' colon clean too.

the aftermath

the woolly worm has come and gone.
the city streets are no longer littered with rednecks and bad bluegrass music (i only say bad because i don't like bluegrass music). my friends from old have all returned to their homes and i am left here in beattyville wondering why i didn't buy that homemade ice cream.

i mean, i bought two cones of it, but i should have had at least one more. what would it have hurt? ice cream is good for you... your body has to warm it up to burn it. so you are burning calories as you eat it!

as i drove into town this morning it was like the festival had never even happened.
the streets were clean and all of the vendors were long gone. oh how i am going to miss you woolly worm... maybe some day i will be citizen of the year and i will ride down your parade.

on a different note:

today is the year anniversary of katie's death. there are days i really miss her.
this past weekend would have been a time that we would have spent time with her. she would have been here with her brother and sisters. she would have laughed at the parade with us. she would have met jasper. my father would have smacked her on the back of the head sunday morning in church like always.

it's hard to believe a year has already gone.

i still miss you.

maybe they need to start working on their own

josh, rue, and jasper...
they will be his liberal family (since i am not liberal enough).

forcing feeding

breakfast: one of the most important meals of the day. a meal that kicks starts your body. a meal that i used to avoid as a teen. a meal that was forced upon me while i was in bible college (sorry josh, i mean propaganda school).

during my stint at southland i suffered many things. preachers who forced their views and twisted scripture to back up their views. students who seemed to believe everything that was force fed to them (sadly i fell into that trap my first year, but was pulled out by a good friend who partied too much. i just find it amazing who God speaks through).i was constantly being reminded that God doesn't like his children going to public schools (plus if you went to prom you were really bad off. i actually remember someone asking me if my parents were christians... they thought it was odd that a godly couple would let their children dance. it's a good thing i didn't tell them i shed all of my clothing to run around the school gym before the prom ended). i was unable to listen to any music with a drum beat. all of these seemed pretty bad, but nothing was as bad as being forced to get up and eat breakfast at 7.

most college students enjoy walking into class barely awake, but not me. i would get up at 6, iron my clothes (if we had wrinkles we could get in trouble), clean my dorm room (we had dorm checks each morning) shower, shave (cut myself every time. that is why i no longer shave), and say a quick prayer that God wouldn't get mad at me for putting cheat notes in my Bible to help me pass my theology test (even though i discovered that some of the answers were never in my Bible, they were just the beliefs of the teacher). i would then run to the dinning hall and wonder if i was going to eat the food put before me.

some days the food was pretty good, but other days it was down right sinful. they would boil eggs and toast some bread. that was it. on a rare occasion i would eat this, but later realize that it had some really bad effects on the body. i would sit in class praying that i wouldn't blow up from the amount of gas building in my bloated belly.

once in awhile i would become brave and skip breakfast. i would wake up at 6 and realize that i am an adult and no one can force me to eat. so i would stay in bed. i would walk into class refreshed and gas free. i would only realize after my class that it was a mistake to think for myself and try to be an adult.

each time i would skip breakfast i would always find a demerit slip in my mailbox. apparently God thought it was a sin to not eat breakfast. so i would ask for his forgiveness and offer up a boiled egg as a burnt offering.

little did i know that skipping breakfast was not the sin... it was over eating that was a sin. i gained over 50 pounds while there at sbi, but no one ever gave me a demerit for being overweight (maybe because most of the staff was overweight)- just for skipping breakfast and not having my shirt tucked in (plus a whole list of other things).

thankfully i have learned to overcome my battle with breakfast and being overweight. i just don't punish myself if i skip it.

now if i could just get over my need to iron everything...

wondergirl and jealousy

the day we brought jasper home i walked up to wondergirl to introduce her to the new family member. she whined a little and laid down. as i got closer her tail began to move... she sat up and looked at him... she looked happy, but kept her distance.

this brought joy to my heart. my dog likes my son.

a few days later i took him outside again. she acted the same. she cried when he would make a noise. she would jump up and down when i would walk away from her.

i don't have to worry about her ever trying to eat my baby!

the picture perfect family (i can see the brady bunch dancing in my head..."you got to keep on keep on moving...gotta keep on keep on grooving").

all seemed well with the world.

each day i would greet my dog and she would say hi back (normally a nose to the crotch, but that is how dogs say hi).

but tonight i realized it was all on act on her part. not saying she doesn't love japser, but i think she misses all of the attention (does she not see me trying?
does she not remember all of the times i made her eggs and would take her for long walks?).

she was walking with me to take the trash down the hill. she was jumping and i was talking to her. she would run circles around me and then jump up in front of me.
this was her normal thing to do, but i noticed something in her eyes.

she looked evil.

she looked dangerous.

she looked like she wanted to make sure that there wasn't another bundle of joy to enter her world.

before i had a chance to put the trash can down she jumped. just like matrix style, i saw it all happen in slow motion...

her two front paws moving towards me.

that evil grin on her face.

her two front paws met my two front baby making bank.

WHAM!

the wind left my body. pain took over. the trash can fell. i believe i whispered a curse word or two (sorry mom, but it really hurt).

as i tried to keep my dinner in my stomach i met wondergirl's eyes. she just stood there smiling. she knows she has cut the family tree short. her true colors had shown through.

as i walked back up the hill i watched her out of the corner of my eye. she was acting sweet, but i knew what she was thinking...

"no more babies."

little does she know... i agree...

at least right now.

let me get a few more hours of sleep and we will talk about a second one.

random memories

do you ever have a day where odd memories come back to you for no reason?
you walk into a room and you see a flash from your past that you thought you had forgotten about?

i have been doing this lately. i am not sure if it is due to the lack of sleep or the change in air pressure. what ever the case... it is odd.

the other day i was weed eating around my house and i remembered when my twin sister was holding me down and punching me in the face (she was bigger than me when we were kids)and i got mad and punched her back and broke her glasses. i remember the fear and dread. my mom was not happy when tammy came running in holding her broken glasses. i knew my mom would never notice my bloody nose. and she didn't. glasses were more expensive than the blood pouring out of me.

as i shook this image out of my head i cut a little frog's head off. poor little fellow didn't deserve it. his guts smacked against the side of the house. wondergirl jumped with excitement waiting to devour what was left over. i was just hoping his guts weren't on my clothes.

*sigh*

throughout the day i would remember things from my childhood. some of them good memories and others not so good.

when i was in 8th grade this jerk named steven gross made fun of me on the bus because i only had one armpit hair. it's not my fault that he was 18 years old and a freshman in high school! he would torment me daily.

i loved the day he was kicked off the bus. he had a habit of drinking pop on the bus and mr.chrisman (D-bag from hell) would not allow that. mr.chrisman pulled over and started yelling.

"i know you got a pop mr.gross."

"what the f- are you talking about? i don't have a pop!"

"we go through this everyday. i have had it with you." his redneck high pitched voice would yell.

"what are you going to do about it?" (i imagined mr.chrisman punching him in the face. this would be legal since steven was 18 and pretty much already a grown man).

the fight continued for a few more minutes... than steven was kicked off the bus.

i remember smiling as i watched that greasy haired punk walk off the bus. if i would have been braver i would have flipped him off, but instead i stared straight ahead knowing that he was watching me as the bus pulled away.

i like to think that today we could be friends, but i doubt i will ever cross his path again... unless he comes to court. which seems to happen a lot with me and my former bullies.

they aren't as tough as they used to be.

one who actually tried to pull a karate kid move on me cried in court when they took his license away. i felt sorry for him, but something inside laughed too.

most of my young life i was picked on by a lot of my peers. i was a dorky kid with bad hair and glasses. it wasn't until i sang "please don't go girl" (by new kids)that life started to change for me.

the girl's started to like me because i was able to carry a tune. i became heather comb's boyfriend right after that.

the guy's called me a fag and a lot of my friends made fun of me daily.

i am able to laugh about this now, but back then i really bothered me. i was always afraid of what was going to be said to me walking down the halls.

this story is still brought up often by people who know me well.

recently when new kids started touring again. i was sitting in court when i received a text from a friend i haven't talked to in forever.

"new kids are back together. are you going to join them?"

i was able to laugh. heck, i laugh about it often now.

a lot of the moments of my childhood that i once viewed as rough or hard... are amusing now. i can laugh. i don't hold a grudge against this morons who took pleasure in making fun of me. i just hope they don't point out my faults the next time i see them.

and if they do... i will smile and take it like i always do.

oh lego's how i thought i knew thee

apathetic today

it could be due to the lack of sleep (riley seems to enjoy waking up at 2 a.m. and 5 a.m.).

maybe the change in the weather? it is starting to get cooler outside and i would rather stay in bed than get up and go to work. something about looking at inmates all day and dealing with people who talk down to you just doesn't seem like that much fun or pleasure.

it could be due to the fact i have not been taking my adderall. i know, i know... what if i start to gain weight because i am off of it, but that is a risk i am willing to take to make some people happy in my life... of course if i get over 180 i am going to get on that magic med again. i think i can handle my random and off the wall thoughts, but becoming overweight... not sure i can stomach that... ha.. stomach.

as i sit here in court writing this, i realize i am apathetic in a lot of my life. i don't care about politics. i don't like either man who has signed up for the job.
i don't care about disco... it is just plan scary.
i don't care about global warming... i don't live close to an iceberg.
i don't care about the stock market... i am too poor to even know what is going on.

*yawn

i really don't care about this post...

apathy... such a beautiful thing.

why do i love comics?

i am asked this question a lot. i guess people assume that if you love comics you must be large, live in your parents attic, dress up like star wars characters when a new movie is released, lust after wonder woman, wear superhero underwear, or support a batman tattoo.

yet, i am really a comic book nerd. i have over 2,000 comics, several t-shirts, action figures, and a good collection of comic book dvds... where does this love come from? what caused me to embrace the super heroic life?

as a young child i supported aquaman under roos and watch super friends daily. i remember as a young child laying on my papaw's bed watching batman kick the joker's butt and the wonder twins turn into retard animals and bodies of water.

this was always a huge treat to lay on papaw's bed and watch his television.

normally wrestling was the only thing allowed to be viewed on this square box, but for some reason he allowed this and actually welcomed it.

for 30 minutes i would sit and stare. then once it was over i would go imagine that i was one of those heroes.

as time would go on, i would occasionally buy a comic. normally a batman comic. i was drawn to the dynamic duo. batman was cool, but not as cool as robin.

robin was the young sidekick who could kick the biggest of bad guy's butt. he was always cracking jokes and rarely did he actually say "holy" anything like the 70's show would like you to believe.

my mother purchased me a robin t-shirt (not the shorts thankfully... i was a fat kid and i would fill those things out a little too well and not in the good way)and i would run around acting like i was helping batman stop crime in gotham city.

as i grew older i still kept a love for robin, but i rarely had any comics.

it wasn't until my papaw died that i really started getting into robin. on the way to his funeral my dad picked up a batman comic for me. it was his way of comfort and my way of escape.

as i flipped through the comic i noticed robin had a new costume and was a different character. no long dick grayson, but tim drake.

he was a lot darker and smarter than the first robin. he would use his head to stop crime and not his brute strength (which he didn't have.).

i feel in love with this robin. he was always trying to do the right thing and he actually got his own comic series in the early 90's because be became so popular.

monthly i would travel to richmond to the comic book store to keep up with him. comics had become my way to escape reality (the fact i was a bad student, my sister's cancer, and many insecure traits that i still carry). i would lock myself in my room and read comics for hours. i would draw comics, i would write comics, and i would even put them in my Bible to read during church.

now as an adult i am still spending 30 dollars a month on these books (i try to hide it from ang, but she always finds out) and i never miss an issue.

so i write all of this to say...

i am a comic book nerd. i was born this way. judge me. throw stones...but i am who i am. that is why i love comics.

fireproof

my wife really wants to go see that new movie fireproof. every time i think about it i want to hide in a bomb shelter.

she thinks i am just being a jerk, but i really have a hard time with christian movies. it's not because they are christian movies, but it is because they are bad.

the acting reminds me of a high school play. the actors think they are doing such a great job because they remember their lines, but in reality they suck. they over act. they say cheesy lines. they get kiss stunt doubles.

so wrong on so many levels.

yet, knowing me i will end up going to see it with her. only because i love her and being a good husband is about sacrifice. i just really hope she forgets about it.

welcome to our world

october 5th 2008 at 4:43 my life changed in a way that i was not prepared.
for months i tried to wrap my mind around the fact that soon i was going to be a father. some times i would feel the excitement, but mostly fear and dread.
i knew life was going to never be the same. that i was going to be responsible for a life. i was selfish. i didn't want to give up any of the freedoms that i had. i didn't want to be that person who never left home or did anything without their child.

i felt old.

i felt unprepared.

saturday i was having somewhat of a good day. i ended up mowing my yard (even though i thought that season had already passed). i did a few things around the house and i was all prepared to watch my cartoons for the night while ang went to the woolly worm queen pageant (sounds funny, but you can't help but love those weather telling worms).
before she left she had started leaking some stuff (before some woman gets on here and says it was her water... YOU ARE WRONG! it was not her water... so shut up before you start). she called her doctor and they told her if it kept up to just come on in and they would check her out. her mother talked her into going to the queen thing and so she did.

so while they were gone i prepared like a good boy scout (of course i was never a boy scout. i went to one meeting and found out they actually make you hike and sleep outside... needless to say i enjoyed my soft bed and fat body way too much).i loaded everything into the car. i packed some clothes and ate me a big bowl of fruity pebbles.

2 hours later she returned.

"time to go."

"but batman just started." i said joking... or was i?

her mother joined us on the little journey to the hospital an hour and 30 minutes away.

with each curve it sank in.

"i am going to be a dad soon."

"God are you sure you know what you are doing?"

"what if he is ugly? can i honestly think he is cute if i know he is ugly? cause i have seen ugly and i can't say that those people are cute."

we arrive at the hospital and everything seems to be going well... she is going to have the baby soon. i sit in the room with her and wait. i fall asleep. i wake up... i fall asleep again (now i know most people are wondering how i could sleep at a moment like this... it's easy. i can sleep anywhere and on anything. it's called being lazy!)
i woke up to a nurse.

"time to get up daddy!"

"daddy? first of all lady you are older than me and i am not wearing leather. second, don't call me that. i am not ready to be called daddy." i thought as i smiled and tried to look prepared.

"oh my gosh! is that blood?"

i should have never looked. i came close to passing out, but like the tough man that i am i fought through it... of course i had to sit down for a few minutes, but i was there beside of my lovely swollen wife as she pushed. i would lift her legs to help...trying to avoid looking at what was going on DOWN BELOW.

but something was wrong with the baby. his heart rate kept dropping and he wasn't coming out. was i going to lose him? was he ok? was angie ok (these thoughts were not in my mind until after the baby was born. for some reason i had no clue there was any danger, but angie and her mom knew and i stood there like a retard wondering why everyone was so nervous and uptight.
normally i am overly observant, but i wasn't that night. God's grace...)?

an hour later jasper was born. his cord looked like spirals and cheese noodles. it was gross... i cut it. i didn't pass out, but it was gross...

i went with the nurse to clean him off. he was screaming. i looked down at this purple mess and just talked to him.

"hi jasper... it's daddy."

he stopped crying.

"he knows your voice." the nurse pointed out.

i felt myself get choked up, but i fought it. this kid is ruining my life. how can i have fun with him tagging a long?

they moved us into a room and visitors came in and out all day long. i would hold him for awhile and someone would take him. i was starting to find myself getting attached to him.

it wasn't until they took him away for the night that i realized how much i loved that little guy.

they took him from my arms and i started to cry. not just a few tears, but a fountain.. the kind where you lips shakes when you cry.

"why am i crying?"

then i realized. i love him. i love him more than i love myself. more than i love my selfish dreams and life.

welcome to our world japser (riley thomas). there are going to be things that scare you and hurt you, but daddy will try his hardest to protect you. you also haven't ruined my life. you have made me happy and complete. thank you for proving me wrong. daddy is always going to love you... even when you break one of my action figures, i will still love you, but you better find some crazy glue!

(i know this blog is all over the place and long, but i am going on little sleep. get over it!)

these mountains

there are some days i hate the mountains that surround me. i look at them and think "why do you keep me trapped?", but they never give me a response. so i just sigh and keep on living this life praying for an escape.

i woke up a little late and really wasn't in a hurry to go to work. i walked outside in my shorts and the cold hits me hard. my dog was happy to greet me as always. she sticks her nose right in my crotch to tell me good morning then runs along to do her business.

mr.griffen waves at me as he shakes his head at me... he must be disappointed that i actually have shorts on (some mornings i am only in my underwear).

the sun is slowly coming up over the mountains and it is beautiful, but still i long to see the sun on a city skyline in the early morning while i am waking up with the rest of the world.

i leave that vision laying in the front yard with the rest of the dying things.

i get dressed and take a quick drink of water and out the door i go. my car is warm and inviting. i light a clove and listen to death cab for cutie. the songs words don't sink in. i am driving too fast for these little country roads, but i don't care.

all of the sudden the sun hits me full force. my eyes hurt from the light, but then i notice the mountains. the fog is high and they are gorgeous.

"ask me the question you always ask me."

"why do you have me trapped?"

"you are not trapped. i am keeping you safe."

as i hear these words the singer says "love is watching someone die". i don't know what to think of this. do i have a weird view of freedom? am i being kept safe by these mountains?

i find myself at work. so as i step out on to the empty parking lot i sigh. not a sigh of sadness or feeling trapped, but a sigh of be okay with where i am at.

but that is today.

huge mistake

i have never enjoyed shaving. i remember the first time i shaved in 8th grade (i really didn't need to, but i was told that if you shave you will start to grow hair and i did... in the form of a redneck mustache), i cut the top part of my lip really bad and i couldn't believe how much blood gushed from that small cut. when my mom asked me what happened i told her a lie.
" i was clipping my nails and somehow the fingernail clippers flipped out of my hands and cut me." i was sure this was going to work. it was a perfect lie and i had been known to hurt myself with those dang clippers in the past.
"ahhhh... well, be careful the next time you clip your nails and please remember to clean the shaving cream out of the sink."
"what? that must have been tammy... she is really getting a hairy upper lip."

as the years went by i started shaving everyday and every time i would cut my chin or my neck. toilet paper never stuck well to my face and i seemed to be a free bleeder.

it is also annoying to shave every morning. nothing wakes you up like a good shave with a dull razor!

once i used me sister's razor. it was the smoothest my face had ever been. but don't tell her i did that.

about 3 years ago i realized that i should go for the 5 o'clock shadow look. it was easy and i just had to use clippers to keep it trimmed nice and short, but on rare retarded moments i would go for a clean shave. i would think too myself-

"maybe i will look younger?"

"maybe i won't cut the side of my face off this time?"

yet every time i was wrong. i would be bleeding all over the place and realizing i have a round head like a snowman.

one would think i would learn over the years to stop shaving, but for some unknown reason i shaved my face monday night. i only cut myself in three places. i still look like a snowman and dang, i have all of these bumps all over my face... and to top it off... my face itches now too.

so no more shaving! do you hear me? no more.... this must end now. who cares if i look older? who cares if my wife can't stand my beard when we kiss? who cares if tiny pieces of toilet paper get stuck in it when i blow my nose? ok... i do care about that one.

i just can't stand the itching...... and putting aftershave on doesn't just burn... it makes the bumps redder.

being a man

i am not one to ever boast of being a manly man.
i have never killed an animal with a gun, knife, or bare hands... i have ran over a few though.
i am not into fishing or sports.
i can't throw a football very well, but i can play baseball. i do have that going for me.
yet even though i don't have all of these manly traits i do try to keep up a manly vibe about myself. i own two guns, several knives (not including my kitchen knives either), i have a bow and a few arrows, big belt buckles, and a lawn mower.
so to the untrained eye, i am a manly man, unless they were with me in the car the other day.
i was driving along, listening to really manly music, loving the cool weather and feeling the breeze on my bald head. i was looking for great spots to kill me some deer and a few wild turkeys when out of no where this beast falls onto my arm. i didn't scream and i didn't wreck, but i did almost pee on myself. it was the biggest grand daddy long legs i had ever seen in my life. how in the heck did it get into my car.
i tried to throw it out, but i just ended up tearing off one of his legs. it started to crawl away from me and i was unable to catch it while driving (i may text while driving, change cds, pick my nose, read, and talk on my cell phone, but i do not catch bugs while driving..that is just stupid).
i watched him the whole way home. he sat on the passenger seat. i wanted him dead, but yet i felt sorry for him as i watch the leg i pulled off move on my lap. so when i returned home i set him free... he was crawling so fast... i imagined him being happy and singing "born free"... it was beautiful... then wonder-girl stepped on him and licked up his remains.
gosh, i love that dog.

count down to baby

we have one week to go before jasper's due date. remind you, that he could come at any moment, but we are counting down just to give us an idea of when he could be here.
i have also started to get a little more nervous. it is going to be a huge change in my life and i am a very selfish person. so part of me wishes i had a little longer to wait.
i started writing a book for jasper "leave me on the front porch". a book that he is not going to be able to read until i die. it is a book about my family, past, and future plans. it will be a lot of honest conversations that i know i will not be brave enough to have with him face to face.
i have learned that father's don't always tell their sons everything about themselves. i am sure there is a good reason for that. maybe to protect the son from making the same bad choices. who knows, but when my son stands over my grave, i want him to know everything about his dad. it will be easy for me too... i won't have to answer any of his questions about why i did this or why i didn't do something else.
easy way out i guess...
so, i wait. i wait for him to come into my life and to teach me how to love more than just myself. how to sacrifice my desires to make sure he has everything he needs.
it should be fun and hard, but i hear that it is worth every lost freedom.

my wife is wonder woman!

most men will brag on their wives for carrying a baby. how beautiful they are. how strong. i just doubt most men have my wife. she is beautiful and strong (though sometimes a little over emotional with swollen feet), but she is also working over 8 hour days teaching evil students and an evil subject such as math. she also coaches a volleyball team and after that comes home and grades papers til 1 in the morning some nights.
she also has a job putting up with me. there are some days i give her pure hell. not meaning to, but i am a moody person once in awhile... i know what you are thinking.
"you? i don't believe that. you are one of the nicest, sweetest, caring, heroic men i know."
but you couldn't be more wrong.
i do clean the house for ang and i try to make her food, but i have a problem that is really bad. i enjoy picking on her. in my mind i see my jokes as funny and keeping the mood light. most days it works, but other days not so well.
last night while we were laying in our bed i was acting like her.
if you read my previous blog about the "drop dead sexy husband" you will catch this... if not, read the blog before you go on.
she was too tired to talk last night and just wanted to go to sleep... so i rolled over on my side and started to act like i was crying. she laughed thankfully, but what if she would have been in a bad mood? i would have been feeling guilty and i would have lost a few minutes of sleep due to that.

on a different note i thought of a sure fire way to help women who are breast feeding. i know that some of you worry about leaking through your bras and that can be very embarrassing and the bras are expensive. so it came to me while watching the office (love that show!). put a maxi pad in the cups of the bra. that solves everything and saves you money...
you can thank me later ladies....

the end is near

with little rain and cooler weather comes the end of the mowing season! yay!!!
i was getting so sick of mowing my yard. granted i do get to think a lot and daydream the whole time, but com eon! who wants to walk up and down a hill for 3 hours? not this fat boy. no more avoiding dog turds. no more running over frogs (i really felt bad about killing them... i promise toadie. i didn't see you there. then i saw you all over my leg and porch. you were gross. i wanted to vomit. then cry). no more blowing grass out my nose.
also comes the my great love of opening the windows to let the cool air in. i just wish i had days off to lay in my bed and feel the breeze. i guess i could skip church and do that, but that would cause more problems. who would draw on the bulletins?
well, i am boring myself. i have nothing really fun to talk about. ang hasn't popped jasper out. my food hasn't caused me to run to the bathroom. my hair still hasn't stopped falling out. i haven't finished my book that i have been writing for jasper (leave me on the front porch).
so i guess i should get to bed. make room for the pillows...

sneaky wombat

last night i recieved an e-mail from a friend calling me a sneaky wombat with a picture of this wombat attached. it's face was so ugly, but funny. i nearly peed my pants laughing at it. it was a shock to my system. i was used to his odd e-mails and really random pictures of himself, but this was not what i was expecting.
later on that night he called and we talked for awhile. during the conversation he read me something that is working on. the passion and the pain that poured out of his mouth was moving.
never have i known someone to be so honest and open in their writings. it was refreshing, but also unsettling.
too many times as christians we work so hard to keep that good holy front up. we point out other's faults but rarely look at our own. yet as i listened to him i realized that God uses the broken, sinful, selfish, retarded, and cursed.
i wanted to post a little bit of what he had written, but i feel it would be more powerful for you to read the whole thing. so you have to wait for his book to come out.