understanding the day

after a long day of work i like to sit and think about what actually took place throughout the day. to focus on the moments i allowed myself to let someone in or shut someone out. to think about the times i asked God for help or cursed the man who asked for something that caused me to walk around the store and find it (to only tell me that is too much and then walk out of the store).
i wonder if God really watches the moments when i struggle to smile at the man who smells like he hasn't flossed his butt in weeks. i wrestle with the fact that He cares about the times i allow myself to let a curse word slip when i drop something on my toe. i know duke cares. he doesn't believe in idol words, but i didn't say buddha... i said s**t.
i look down at my feet and wonder if people laugh at my shoes. they look like oldman shoes. not really the cool kind that teens like to wear, but the kind my late papaw wore while shooting rats along the rock wall beside his house. i think Jesus would wear these shoes. ummm... i think. i guess my shoes are kind of cool. i think i will wear them to work again.
do i wish to be rich? somedays i do. i would like to buy a new car. the cd player is good, but i would like to have a huge truck. i work with a guy who drives a huge truck. when i ride with him i feel like a tough man. like i enjoy killing helpless animals and gutting them in the front yard for everyone to see my kill. yeah, a truck... that would be cool, but being rich would not help solve my problems. could it? nah... isn't God all i need?
the voice in my head says "ummm, your adderall has worn off. so ask me in the morning. of course you need to talk to your doc about a stronger dose."
my heart screams " yes you retard... He is all you need, but that truck is what you want.. so get it. angie won't care. so what if you will worry about your house payment.. God will always take care of you."
"heart?"
"what?"
"is that really you?"
"no."
"then who is this?"
"dude, you just called me. what are you talking about?"
"oh yeah, sorry. i was talking to myself. i didn't realize you answered the phone"
awkward laugh...
it's hard understanding the day. yet, it is nice to think back and see that i won't have to relive it again. i hope.. that would suck. cause i don't want to have to smell that guy again.. that was just sick.