Monday, March 26, 2007

being nude and the bald man

my last blog i talk about my good friend dustin not remembering the present i got him for his birthday. as i look back on that moment, i can easily forgive him for his wealth of plastic turtles with weapons. yet i find myself thinking of all the moments that caused me to make a fool of myself. the moments where i either wanted to cry or curse. when my face would be blood red or the blood would stop flowing (normally due to him choking me for a laugh).

freshman year i was coming to terms with the changes my body was going through. the year before my voice had already changed, but i shed the extra pounds that circled my abs like the rings of saturn. i had also discovered the art to fixing my hair. no longer was i sporting the NKOTB (new kids on the block) look. i also was building up my confidence around the ladies. my first period class was gym (sure i may have been a gym teacher later on life, which was funny in it's self, but i sucked at basketball. i can't jump). b.j. ( my first teen crush) and some other girl that was pretty( but not worth remembering) was sitting on the stage. i was working my magic and the ladies were lovin my smooth talking and my sweet smile... next thing i know my pants fall to my ankles. they laughed and never had i been more thankful for long t-shirts. i turned to see who had caused the moment of victory to slip through my hands. it was dustin. my so called best friend.

time had past and even though more embarrassing moments happened, dustin's and my friendship stayed strong. we weathered the dreaded broken back, the sexual attraction to his girlfriend (i would have never confessed this if he would have told me they were dating. we were friends for crying out loud..why didn't he tell me?). even the campout trips with flying marshmallows and bottles of pee. yet he would strike again and my nude body would be seen by b.j. (this time she screamed).

it was on senior trip (the last real senior trip in the history of lee county high), and we were in chicago. we stayed in a cool hotel with a huge indoor swimming pool. one evening after a fun dip in the pool, i returned to my room. dustin was on his way out as i was removing my wet swimsuit. i told him to not let anyone in since i planned on drying off while watching the television. he agreed and walked out. as i stood there watching friends free as the day i was born, i had no clue what was taking place out side of the room.

you see as dustin walked out he ran into b.j. she was wanting to hang out and talk to me. she asked where i was and dustin told her i was in my room.

"it's open. so walk on in" he says.

as i watch ross and rachel break up for the 2nd time. the door opens and there stands b.j. looking at my nude body. she screams. i scream. she runs off leaving the door open(mind you, the hotel was set up in a way where all of the rooms faced the indoor pool and indoor court yard where many people sat and laughed and ate their dinners). so as i run to shut the door many other people see my glory and compared to others, the lack thereof. at that point in my life i had become very comfortable with my body, but still i was embarrassed.

a week later he convinced me to streak at prom. sure it got some laughs, but my poor sister was never the same when she saw her twin brother running around the schools gym with a smile on his face.

the last day of school i was speaking with my french teacher mrs.ross. she was sweet. she had blue hair. she also looked like she had been carrying a baby for 50 years (mark noe always called it the 50 year old fetus). as i shared that gentle moment with this blue haired woman... i felt a breeze and heard the laugh. dustin had done it again. my shorts were once again down around my ankles. this time it was not b.j. , but mrs.ross. a woman that i could not impress nor win over with my charm.

she just said "dustin" (add french/country accent).

if i were able i would have beat him, but since it took me awhile to pull my shorts up (due to the fact my boxers didn't have the button in the front and we all know quick movements could cause some outing of the willie or mr.woowoo).

so... dustin. i do forgive you for over looking surfs up michelangelo, but can i learn to forgive you for the humiliation that you caused over the years? if i were to write all of these moments down, it would be an epic novel more action packed than LOTR and filled with more twists than m.night moive. someday my bald friend ... you will be exposed.

(this pic proves i am not the only one to poop my pants)

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