ender

"here i am beside myself again." these words are so simple, yet powerful to me. i have grown to love the song "ender". it speaks of how someone is pouring everything out to someone they love, but the person is asleep again. that is how i feel my life is sometimes. i am pouring everything that i have into other people, but they don't even see it. it get's old and it becomes a lonely battle. i am sure i have made it lonely, but how can you have someone walk with you that doesn't really want to be there?
lastnight as i watched people i love.. i heard a voice in my head and heart telling me i was going to fail them. that i am not strong enough to carry them. that i will let everyone down that i love and at the end of it all no one will be there to help me. normally i would fight that voice, but for some reason i gave into it's lies.
so here i sit. surrounding myself in doubt and fear. i know things are nothing what they seem. the people who i believe to be my friends are really nothing more than people in my life. the ones i view as my enemies are closer than my brother.
reading over what i have laid before you seems to be full of pride. i see how i try to do too many things on my own. the Bible tells me that i am not alone. and that it is not my strength i am to do these things.
someday i will learn and grow. someday i will stop thinking of me.