Wednesday, January 04, 2006

wrapped in wrinkles

last night one of my co-workers asked if i would be able to join him at the nursing home today. he needed me to lead the song service. 1. i am scared of old people. 2. i can't relate to them. 3. i am scared of old people. the songs were slower than normal and most of them fell asleep during the long speaking. heck.. i almost fell asleep. something i noticed though. the cry for attention. these people have been dropped off and left to die. they have lost almost all hope. their face's no longer smile. they just sit there and wait for death to visit.
as we were leaving a woman grabbed my hand. she said that i was pretty. 1. guys are not pretty. 2. i am neither handsome or pretty, but it was nice. i smiled and said that she was beautiful. she smiled so big that i was lost in it. i had to reach out and take her hand. i just wanted to stand there and look into the soul. to feel the life she lived and the pain of the life now. it is overwehlming.
as we drove away from the nursing home i felt saddness. i spend so much time looking out for the youth that i have forgotten the elderly. i am not comfortable around old people cause of trust issues and such, but they are God's children too.
in my journey of letting go.. i have found that i have made a lot of judgments that are not true. 1. old people smell. this is not true. now the ones who shit on themselves yes, but so do baby's. 2. they always want you to eat nasty candy. this is also not true. most of them don't have teeth. 3. they have nothing to teach me. i was way off on this. i learned more from her smile than i have from anyone that i have looked up to. 4. they don't care about today's teens. i am still trying to find out why some of them hate teens, but most love them.
i want to be free from my judgments. i claim to be openminded, but i am really just a prick. my own insecurities have become law and not truth. riddles and riddles.. it's all i will speak. i will never admit what is really bothering me.

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