Tuesday, January 03, 2006

all the same

i woke up this morning with pain. my body hurts. in trying to become the better man, i have forgotten rest. it's not like i am working out that much, but i am not allowing myself the time to relax from life. if you are watching me it would seem that i am easy going. the truth is that i am, but i am also stressed. my work is killing me. my teens in the youth group worry me, and my wife seems to never be happy. and if she is i am in a bad mood for some odd reason.
lastnight i had an argument with a friend. he believes that i am being used or wait, he said i have become a doormat. i really wanted to say screw you, but i didn't.. i tried to listen. the whole time i was thinking that is what Christ wants me to become.. right? He told us to be servants to all. He told us to lay our lives down even for our enemies. then why is it wrong for me to be used? i was put on this earth for a reason. i know it wasn't to be rich or famous. i know that it wasn't to be a selfish prick either.
i say all of this.. that i am starting to enjoy the pain. the lack of sleep. when i recieve phone calls at 12 or 3 in the morning asking for my help.. i need to rejoice that i am able to be there for them. i know that something is changing around me. i am still unsure what it is, but i know that this is one thing that i am not to let go of. how can i let go of people who need me?
"i don't want this anymore
i don't want to want to give anymore
don't want to be
don't want to be stuck here.
i am. we are not moving ahead."

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