does anyone find me lovely?

today i learned an important lesson. i veiw things in black and white. love and hate. truth and lies. yet the world is not in black and white. there isn't always an answer. there isn't always someone there to help when you have fallen. some times God does pull His hand away. it is in those moments and in this moment that i hold tight to grace. sure, i am in pain and i am hurting bad, but tomorrow is a new day and i will find the strength to face this world. i always have and i always will.
two things in life never change. God's love and the power of music. both move me to tears. both move me to dance. and both will be there tomorrow when i wake up before the dawn. they will be there as i stand before the crowds.
as i write shawn mcdonald is playing in the back ground. "lovely" let me tell you a story of a little boy who had lost his way. in search for something to make it a better day. but all he seemed to find was a world of hurt and pain. and a place that didn't seem to care that he lost his way. so the boy began to cry. yes the boy began to cry. does anyone love me? does anyone care? is anyone out there that finds me lovely?
sure tears are running down my face. not because i feel like this boy in the song, but because there are kids, teens, and adults who feel this way everyday of their life. i am so blessed. i am so loved. i have found my strength.

burning a bridge

7 years ago i finished my college. college life was hard. not cause of the work, but because of the school i attended. it was a very legalistic school. i was not a model student of southland. i listened to christian music with a drum beat. i went to a public high school. i went to dances. i didn't part my hair. i also loved sinners. i made it through, but there were a lot of emotional scars left. it took years for me to even go back there to visit. i would never tell someone to look at the school, but it still had a special place in my heart.
yesterday the school sent out a news letter. it talked about the former students who have went on to server God in the ministry. there were a lot of names. ones that i had went to school with. there were even some of my co-workers. yet i didn't see my name. i am in the full time ministry. it didn't really bother me at first, but the more people talked about it.. it hurt. i saw a the "music" teacher at a funeral. what a place to see her.. one of my friends brought it up. the teacher looked at me and said "oh please, did you really think that they would put you on that list? " i was shocked. " think of your attitude." i couldn't believe this. i was cut from the list because i did not buy into the fake salvation that they teach. i didn't believe their truths. the laws that they believed made them stronger.
i am hurt, but i am free. one way i believe to truely become free would be to burn this bridge. i have no need for this college nor the people there. i just pray that i never become the christian to cause pain.

past

tears stream down as the memories written are read. i see where i have been and i where i am now. i am a sad man with little dreams. these are the thoughts that have been feeding me. i once searched for love and friendship. i once searched for the Lord's face and touch. as pages turned and time moved on. i discovered my heart had been misplaced. easy to trust yet easy to be broken. many have left me without word spoken.
tearing each page one by one. i feed this fire of a vision. a vision of a man standing free. no one near him and not even me. removed from the face were the tears and smiles. only a shining taste can be heard for miles. will i reach this vision or will i remain. a man who is untouched or broken my Saviors sweet refrain.

Sanity

the sound of sanity
never sounded so soft
what i thought was my mind
i've really lost

letting go used to sound fun. i thought it would be nice to be open. i thought i would finally feel free to be me. i've said the prayer and i've taken my time. God asked me to move out, but yet here i still sit. i tell teens to let go and let God have complete control. "He can free you." i've even got the convincing look on my face. i sing the songs. i show my desire to be free and real. yet when i sit in my car.. i cry.. i am afraid i'll give in. i'm not worried about my struggles or sins. i'm worried that no one is really my friend. the kid who was felt sorry for. i cling to people like they are my only hope, but to only have my fingers broken so i will let go.
i dream of a day when i can walk tall. to breathe in the air and fill the burn like a winters day run. this is what it feels like to breathe God. this is what it is to be a live. i want God to have all of me. i want to be willing to lay it all down at His feet. if my life dies in this journey, amen. but i will be damned to live like this again..