dell is the devil and the devil is bad

i started having computer problems monday night. i was unable to look at my facebook page nor was i able to respond to e-mails. it would always cause me to log back in. with each new log in screen, my temper started to show.
the next day i thought i would let tyler (star wars nerd, computer geek, good friend, and co-worker) look at my dell pc.
for some reason the problem would not show it's self at work on the court's network.
tyler informs me that it is not a virus, but something else... something wrong with the software.
stressed and missing the freedom of sitting on my chair watching cartoons while surfing the net pushed me to call dell (dum, dum, dum).
i call.
i get several voice automated messages.
i listen to an annoying recording of a woman telling me i could get the answers online (i really hate that message. if my internet worked do you think i would call this freaking number?).
finally a man picks up. he is from india. i can barely understand him and due to my country accent, he can barely understand me.
i try to explain to him what is happening, but he will not listen. he then proceeds to push me off on the next guy.
i am on hold.
i feel the need to pee.
i go pee.
in midstream he answers.
"what is your service tag number?"
trying to finish ( side rhyme: no matter how much you jump shake or dance, the last two drops always get in your pants).
i tell him the number and try to explain what is going on.
this is when the devil shows his ugly head...
"sir, for us to help you fix this problem you must pay 120 for a one time fix or 200 for a year's help."
"what? i have a warranty."
"sir, that warranty does not cover your software. only the shell."
"what? that is it?"
"yes sir."
"but it is your software that caused me the problem. i bought the problem from you."
"sir, how is it dell's fault? you have been the one using it."
i hang up.
i send a few nasty e-mails.
i get an automatic reply.
the next day i decide to just delete everything and start fresh.
stupid.
i am unable to install everything properly.
i call dell again after sitting in silence wondering if it is worth it.
"please enter your service tag number."
i enter the number.
"thank you."
click.
click?
they hung up on me.
i try this two more times.
each time ends with a click.
i have pissed dell off.
part of me smiles out of pleasure.
the other part curses because my computer still does not work.

never again will i buy a dell computer... NEVER! DO YOU HEAR ME DELL? NEVER AGAIN WILL YOUR CATCHY TUNES AND SLEEK ADDS PULL ME IN!"
now i know why you guys have the lollipop song in your commercial... you suck!

it's that time of year

this coming weekend is one of my favorite annual events... the WOOLLY WORM FESTIVAL!
i encourage everyone to come in for this wonderful event. it is so wonderful that i am off work this friday. it is so wonderful that i will get to eat festival food even when i am not hungry. it is so wonderful that i am going to see old friends and people i don't even know who know my name.

there is going to be a woolly worm race, a parade, funnel cake, cheap toys, illegal copies of movies, knockoff clothing, and plenty of rednecks to make you feel better about yourself.

please come and enjoy... if you need a place to stay just ask!

the life of riley

this time last year i was meeting my son for the first time. during the nine month wait i was dreading him coming into my world. i just knew that my life was going to change and as much as i like to promote change... i hate it sometimes. thankfully i got over that. now i am in love with my little man and i spend most of my nights praying that he is safe and happy throughout his whole life. the term "life of riley" means the good life. and that is what i am living because of my wonderful son. happy birthday bubby!

funniest birthday card

riley getting ready for his birthday!

morning

oh mae, what has happened to thee?
you pulled me into your everglow
but now your music i don't want to know
you released the morning
and i had such great hope
but giving it away
would be a crime
for this time i must say
thy music doth suck
it's like having a drill in your mouth
or a butt that won't cease burning
leaves me in pain and burning with anger
yet, i will still loveth thee
for my heart you stole
with the everglow

christianity (is nothing original anymore)

"Creator Dismisses Criticisms of the New Program Being Called Sordid, Disturbing
LOS ANGELES, CA --- Fed up with the mainstream media's promoting homosexuality among young children, conservative Christians have come up with their own chidren's cartoon hero: Elijah BiblePants. Gay characters, such as SpongeBob Squarepants, Bob The Builder, and Barney, are always cheerful, never lose their temper, and they encourage children to use their "imagination". Not so Elijah BiblePants! Creator Chad Jackson says Elijah is dour, angry, and "strictly literalist".

Jackson, whose Biblical comic tracts promising eternal damnation can be found in laundrymats and subway cars, says his new cartoon character may somewhat resemble SpongeBob -- but that's only as far as looks are concerned.

"I promise you, there is nothing gay or otherwise filthy about Elijah BiblePants," he said. "Elijah is not happy, and he is not friendly! Because when it's a matter of everlasting Hellfire, you've got nothing to be friendly about."

Elijah BiblePants is inspired by Second Kings 2:23-24. In that passage, the prophet Elijah invokes the Lord and curses a throng of children who have teased him because of his baldness. As a result, a group of enraged bears charges out of the woods, tearing to pieces forty-two of the insolent brats.

The hero of this new Christian cartoon series delivers moving Hellfire and brimstone sermons. He also organizes book burnings and public stonings of homosexuals, adulterers, and heretics.

But mainstream media have shied away from airing the program.

"Elijah BiblePants is a sordid orgy of violence and hatred," one network executive said, pale and visibly shaken. "Certainly not appropriate for kids. Some of the things I saw on that tape ... I don't think I will ever get them out of my head."

Jackson admits that his uncompromising children's cartoon has been a tough sell even among Christian broadcasters.

Said Sherman Marcus, CEO of The JesusChannelNetwork, "When we choose programming for young kids, say, ages 2-11, we look for stuff that is more along the lines of, say, Veggie Tales. You know good, healthy food teaching good, healthy lessons about, say, Christian values. While we do acknowledge that homosexuality is sinful, we don't think that graphic depictions of violence against, say, homosexuals are something that children ought to be exposed to."

Jackson disagrees.

"Yeah, I'm sure Veggie Tales stands a chance of competing with shows like Barney and South Park," he said, smirking." -associatedcontent.com

this is what is wrong with Christianity today. do i need to post the "white man" video again?

R is for Riley or Robin

i ordered riley's costume for Halloween.
i was really excited to find my favorite hero's costume for my favorite son...
i am determined to make my son the great man that i am.

my father-in-law steve, the great teacher

i have learned a lot from my father-in-law.

as a teen he taught me a lot about God and how to work paddle boats.

as a young adult he showed me how to change my oil.

even how to put up with the worst in people.

these things have stuck with me. he has always been a good example...

BUT

one thing he never taught me was how to dress...

thank you steve for everything you did and did not teach me.
(this is not an actual photo of steve, but trust me... he owns the outfit).

a fun fact i have learned from danny

danny: "your haircut looks the best five days after."

that is why i always cut my hair five days before a big event... thank you danny. your wisdom will take me far.

beard no more

a week or two ago i wrote a blog about how i was going to grow a beard... well that lasted a week.

i got beyond the itchy phase.

i got beyond the awkward look of it.

i just wasn't able to get past my wife hating the feel of it. apparently it hurts when you kiss someone with a beard. so, being the good husband that i am, i shaved.
and lets be honest... i looked like a bum with the beard. not the greatest look for an old man like me.

so... i am going to stick to the scruffy look.

things here have been kind of slow. nothing really major to talk about.

sigh... the life of a normal man...

the beard challenge

i have discovered a website all about beards...beards.org.
i must admit at first i was making fun of the success stories, but something clicked... what if a beard made me a richer man?
therefore i am going to grow a beard and become a better man.

weekly i am going to blog about this (i hope to at least).
to be honest the beard is itching me to death, but to become a man, you must endure hard times...

so join me my brothers (and some sisters) and grow a beard with me!


title="Visit beards.org!" alt="Visit beards.org!" width="400" height="80" />

learning to love the town whore

since i was in middle school i have heard, made jokes, and laughed at our town whore. i should have known better. i was always taught to love. to look beyond the outward appearance and see their heart, yet it never stopped me from saying words to make people laugh at her expense.

the town whore ( i will call her freckles) is a short woman who is mentally slow. she is poor and is preyed upon by older men in the community. she is often seen walking the sidewalks with a cigarette in her mouth and wearing a blue jacket with cutoff shorts.

she has had several children (whom were all taken away from her). she is the only woman i have known in our town to be "fixed" by court order.

needles to say, she has seen and felt pain that i will never know.

a few years ago the women at our church were making gifts for people in the community. they were to pick someone and give them the gift. my lovely wife angie has a soft and honest heart. she had also heard the jokes about freckles and decided to giver her gift as an outreach to her.

she wrestled with the notion. always feeling nervous and afraid. it is never easy to approch someone that you don't even know with a gift... let a lone someone who has been the butt of jokes for many years.

this didn't stop ang from reaching out.

that was the first time it hit me.

freckles needs love too.

i made great effort to stop making fun of her. to pray for her.

a few months ago i actually had a conversation with freckles. she had been harassed by a man in town and wanted to know what she could do about it. i told her legal options and went on my way. little did i know that short conversation would cause her to trust me.

every time i see her now she speaks to me. we have a few short sentences and then she is on her way. each time we talk i see a little bit more of her heart and her broken life.

the way she has been used over the years has had to cause many scars and trust issues. to have her children taken and to never truly know them must be pain beyond belief.

once upon a time i would pass by her and laugh. wonder how could anyone love her? how could anyone sleep with her? how could she not know she was the town's joke?
but all of that has changed. now i see a soul in search of love and one that needs to be loved.
i see my heart loving her. loving her the way i was meant to. to look beyond the mess and dirty old men she fills her time with.

it's the way i want to be loved. beyond my failings and faults.

my problem with ms.pac-man

here lately i have been playing a lot of ms.pac-man between court files at work. i have enjoyed mastering the skill of dodging ghosts and eating fruit. though stuck on level 30, i still find joy in playing the game.
but something this morning caught my attention.
between certain levels there is a little title.
they meet.
the chase.
junior (which appears more than once).

this started to sink in.
ms.pac-man supports premarital sex and naming numerous babies the same name.

as i parent i am appalled by the teachings of this video game. what has our world come to?

so from here on out i am no longer going to play ms.pac-man... i am boycotting this evil sexual driven game!

who is with me?

no toys allowed (unless mommy say so)

friday night ang, riley, and i headed to lexington. we figured (i mean... i figured) i would pick up my comics and find a few things for riley.

while in target i thought i would see if i could find riley a table for him to play on. once i entered the toy section he started going crazy. crying really loud. so i handed him a little laptop for babies. he was quiet as he played.
ang and i both know how much he likes to play with my laptop, so i figured i would buy it for him.

i found ang in the food section and showed her my great find. i puffed my chest out with pride and smiled for how well i knew my son's needs.

she told me to put it back.

her reasoning was "we don't need to buy him things he will only play with a few times."

so i took it back.

it broke my heart to know that he would not be leaving with something... so i picked up a little stuffed toy.

she told me to take that back (she claims she is not that bad of a nag...).

our next stop was babies r us.
we found some nice clothes and some cute little shoes.

while ang was looking for some more clothes, i thought i would take him to look at the toys.

yelling, and crying followed...

i tried my hardest to keep him happy, but he wants what he wants.

ang came and offered to take over while i looked at some clothes for him.
the next thing i know i see her walking towards me carrying the same laptop i wanted to get him.

"should we get this for him?"

what?

needless to say... he has a laptop now.

angie admits that it was my idea, but i know now how it works...

mommy has to say it is "ok" before riley can have any fun...

that's ok... i plan on making sure he loves cartoons more than math. that will teach her.

the aftermath

the aftermath

fire in beattyville

jack's iga, rose brothers, and the beattyville enterprise is no more. sad day... it was heart breaking to see the owners and workers watching the fire. my poor little town.
thankfully no one was hurt.

the genius next door

i am in love with this song. i have no clue what it is talking about, but it is awesome.

regina spektor: genius next door

Some said the local lake had been enchanted
Others said it must have been the weather
The neighbors were trying to keep it quiet
But I swear that I could hear the laughter
So they joke, and they nicknamed it "the porridge"
Cause over night that lake had turned as thick as butter

But the local kids would still go swimming, drinking
Saying that to them it doesn't matter

If you just hold in your breath
'Til you come back up in full
Hold in your breath
'Til you've thought it through
You fool

The genius next door was bussing tables
Wiping clean the keptchup bottle labels
Getting high and mumbling German fables
Didn't care as long as he was able
To strip his clothes off by the dumpsters
At night while every one was sleeping
And wade midway into that porridge
Just him and the secret he was keeping

If you just hold in your breath
'Til you come back up in full
Hold in your breath
'Til you thought it through
You foolish child

In the morning the film crews start arriving
With donuts, coffee and reporters
The kids were waking up, hung over
The neighbors were starting up their cars
The garbageman were emptying the dumpsters
Atheists were praying full of sarcasm
And the genius next door was sleeping
Dreaming that the antidote is orgasm

If you just hold in your breath
'Til you come back up in full
Hold in your breath
'Til you thought it through
You foolish child

a new way of life

soon i will be turning 31... ugh... oh how i hate to get older. many of you know i am not a fan of becoming an old man, but i think i have found a way i can stop from feeling my age.

this past weekend i realized how much weight i have actually gained (i am not going to say the amount). i am no where near the heaviest weight i have been in the past, but i am on a fast track there.

i believe it all started when i stopped taking adderall (thanks james!). my body no longer had the artificial speed to keep the weight down. sure i am a lot happier of a person and i am not getting moody after 10 p.m. ,but i miss being skinnier. sure i still fit into my 33 size pants, but i can feel them getting tighter everyday.

so this morning i started my new weight loss plan...
i am going to vomit and take laxatives.

not really.

i am just eating better and working out a lot more.

that is how i plan to feel younger. i want to be able to take my shirt off when i mow. i want to be able to wear my superhero t-shirts without my belly button eating the shirt. i want to sit down and not feel my man boobs resting on my gut (ok.. that hasn't happened yet, but trust me it is coming!).

so i figured i may start blogging about my progress... may even put a few pics up... ehh.. better not.

just push the knife deeper...

it is no secret that i am a comic book nerd. i enjoy watching cartoons... who cares?
while surfing the net at work i discovered a quote from one of the creators of my favorite cartoon "batman: brave and the bold".

James Taylor quipped "Batman goes further than 1989." He also described the show as being intended for "Nerd dads and their kids."

nerd dads? oh how that hurts.

i guess i will still watch the show, but i will be pumping iron and punching bunnies while watching it!

nerd... phhhh...please... would a nerd leave a comic book out of it's protective cover? i think not!

"i am somebody"

i have said this a few times, " i miss working at camp", but last night really made me miss it.
this is the last week of camp and to top it all off it is sunshine camp (mental and physically handicap). my favorite camp. it can be hard and trying, but there is nothing better than taking care of someone else who loves you without any thought.
the campers believe like Jesus told us to believe - child like faith.
they are so honest and they really do care about the people around them.

i miss seeing and feeling that.

thankfully angie is playing the piano for chapel and i tag along. i get to sit in chapel and listen to them sing "i'll fly away" and the "butterfly song". they clap and dance (something that i have never felt free enough to do) as the music fills the air.

i sat there taking it all in. then they started singing a new song.

"i am somebody, because God loves me, i am accepted just the way that i am."

not to get mushy, but i almost started to cry. it was beautiful. most of them couldn't even sing it, but it still sounded so perfect.

too many times we forget that we are accepted just the way we are. we try to form ourselves into something we will never be.

there was a time that i did this. i tried my hardest to be the perfect little christian solider. i packed my Bible under my armpit (which i doubt God liked too much), i listened to only christian music, and i learned to put down other people around me. for some reason i thought that is how God wanted me to act, but i was way off.

last night i think i realized that i am the handicapped person.

google finaly gets it

DC comics is way better than marvel...

not a fan

a few weeks ago someone asked me why i was not a fan of southland.
hmmm...
so today why i was going through some old posts, i discovered something that reminded me why i need to learn to let go of childish things... so i am going to re post something from 2006.

7 years ago i finished my college. college life was hard. not cause of the work, but because of the school i attended. it was a very legalistic school. i was not a model student of southland. i listened to christian music with a drum beat. i went to a public high school. i went to dances. i didn't part my hair. i also loved sinners. i made it through, but there were a lot of emotional scars left. it took years for me to even go back there to visit. i would never tell someone to look at the school, but it did have a special place in my heart.
yesterday the school sent out a news letter. it talked about the former students who have went on to server God in the ministry. there were a lot of names. ones that i had went to school with. there were even some of my co-workers. yet i didn't see my name. i am in the full time ministry. it didn't really bother me at first, but the more people talked it hurt.
i saw one of my teachers at a funeral (odd place to see them). a friend brought up the article. the teacher looked at me and said "oh please, did you really think that they would put you on that list? "
i was shocked.
"think of your attitude."
my attitude? is free thinking a sin?
i couldn't believe this. i was cut from the list because i did not buy into the fake salvation that they teach. i didn't believe their truths. the laws that they believed would make them stronger.
i am hurt, but i am free. one way i believe to truly become free would be to burn this bridge. i have no need for this college nor the people there. i just pray that i never become the christian to cause pain.

i can see how my words could hurt the people i speak about. i believe that God wants me to continue letting go of the past, but remember His will is more important than a person grading me on how i dress or putting me in a newsletter.

i think that is the problem with ministry some times. we try too hard to please the people around us and not God.

bosco and bloody pavement

about six months ago i rescued a dog from the courthouse steps. he was a cute little mutt. he was only a puppy (his boys hadn't dropped yet) and was very happy to please his new found friend.
after the death of wondergirl i never thought i would have another dog, but bosco soon found a place in my heart. he is an overly friendly puppy and stays close to home (unless the neighbor's dog cookie comes over to lure him to the other side of the hill). so i was surprised when i received a phone call from my neighbor at the end of the road telling me she heard a gun shot and a dog scream.
angie and i first figured it was some other dog. bosco doesn't bark or growl at anyone. not even at other dogs. so why would anyone shoot him? i stepped outside to see if my neighbor's fears were correct. i looked down and saw bosco slowly walking towards me. his little body was in pain. he was whimpering and i could smell the blood. i reached down and he just fell into my arms. part of me wanted to find the person who shot him, but i knew the most important thing was to stay by his side.
i washed his wounds and bandaged him as good as i could. he just laid there. i was afraid i was going to lose another pet, but thankfully it only broke the skin (in several places. bird shot. ugh)and the vet gave him some pain killers and antibiotics.
now i find myself spending a little more time with bosco in the evenings. rubbing his belly and trying to warn him about stupid people with guns.
the only problem is, now i want to find the idiot who shot him. i have a few guesses to who this person or people could be (with their tobacco filled cheeks), but i feel like i should just let it go. what would i do if i caught them? give them a stern talking to? make them apologize to bosco?
i just hope they realize that my family no longer feels safe walking on our road at night.

"a must read blog"

"a must read blog for all of the dorks out there!" -Tyler Phillips
"my husband wears women's clothing, but dang he loves this blog." -Donna Phillips

(the last wedding i will have to perform this summer).

what has happened to me?

i pride myself for being a big kid. i feel honored when my little cousins ask me about cartoons. what i write next will make the strongest heart feel weak. you are about to witness a man break down and admit that he is maturing.

i spent 3 hours on tuesday night watching the history channel (i didn't even know we had it). i watch with great wonder until i drifted off to sleep on the couch (like an old man). i woke up at the end of the program with angie wondering why i was watching such a grown up channel. i had no words.

last night i purchased a weed eater (big deal you may think, but it gets worse). the problem with the weed eater is that it's electric (Boogie woogie, woogie). most old women own such things... cars passing by stopped and stared as i pulled the extension cord behind me. i felt like i should have been wearing a flowered print shirt with white gloves.

so tonight i am reclaiming my youth. i am going to watch 3 hours of cartoons and pull the weeds up by hand. i may even pull out some old he-man toys and play with them in front of the tv. who knows....

too many t-shirts

i am not the best at clothes shopping. i will buy something and think it looks good at the store, but get home and discover that it was the worst purchase ever. my wife accuses me of never looking at the price and just buying. one of her biggest annoyances is all of the t-shirts i have. i claim that all of them are not public viewing t-shirts due to the fact they fit funny (i am made funny. i have big shoulders and a small frame. i am kind of built like a penguin).
yet last night i bought another t-shirt. it is a cool looking batman tee that fits perfectly over this round body. i was happy with my purchase and i figured my wife would be as well.
i was wrong.
she first accused me of already having the shirt and when i proved her wrong, she began counting my shirts. i tried to defend myself, but there is no way to satisfy angie when she thinks she is right.
so my goal for the next month is to avoid buying t-shirts.i will just start wearing the ones that show off my man boobs and the short ones to show off my bum...
that will teach her and everyone else around me!

oh the summer

i like to pride myself in being one who can handle change, but the truth is--- some change bothers me.
this will be hard for me to admit, but i miss my summers at camp.
camp was always a time for me to get away from the rest of the world and look out for the youth that surround us. to just have fun and not worry about paper work and such.
yet that is no longer a part of my life. i no longer get to spend my afternoons sitting by the pool life guarding (i miss having a tan. i am so white), or listening to kids talk about their lives with a camp fire roaring in front of them.
don't get me wrong. i love my job, but camp was part of my childhood. i just can't wait til riley starts going to camp so i can live through him.

the bright side is... i don't miss camp food.

i love this art

joshboston.com

angie's great grandfather and danny's talent for writing

my brother-in-law wrote this note on facebook after finding out his great grandfather had passed away.

"My great-grandpa died in his chair today.

My grandma asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee this morning and he said yes, but he didn’t live long enough to drink it. I think he was ninety-six.

He was a quiet man most of the time I knew him, but certain subjects would get him pretty animated. When he got started on a tangent he was hilarious. I only wish I could have been on the phone the time he got the call from the city saying he had to paint his shutters or something like that. He called my uncle in a rage cussing and complaining about the Ferguson Gestapo.

He liked to tell us about how poor he was as a child. So poor, he said, that he wasn’t allowed to shoot a rabbit for dinner unless there were two lined up and he could kill them both with a single shot. So poor, he said, that his excuse for being late to school was that he was last in line to use the toothbrush.

I was probably 10 or 11 when a few of us sat on his back porch eating popsicles. He told us to just make sure we didn’t eat the sticks. “One time,” he announced, “I ate a bunch of popsicle sticks and pooped a two-by-four!”

Great-grandma: “Pa!”

Great-grandpa: “Well it’s true!”

His house was heat, an uncomfortable couch, a magnifying glass on the newspaper, underwear in the recliner, and Wheel of Fortune turned up to 11. He was married to my great-grandma forever as far as I’m concerned.

When we’d visit for Christmas he’d play Silent Night on the harmonica. Other times he’d disappear into his room and come out and entertain us with an accordion he found in a barn as a teenager.

His and my great-grandma’s house was notorious among the cousins for having a candy bowl on every table. When we finished a Starburst and took him the wrapper he’d fold it into a little boat. As we got older (or smarter, or both) he taught all of us how to make one for ourselves. When I think of my great-grandpa I always think of Starbursts, and when I see Starbursts I always think of my great-grandpa. I still make a boat every time I eat a Starburst.

He had a mean streak that I never saw. He has pictures that show him as strong. He was a good man, and now he’s gone."


you will be missed. if only we all could live a life like yours.

facebook polls, bat's in the courtroom, and why i need to keep my mouth shut

facebook:
i am really getting sick of people posting their opinions on facebook polls.
wait.
let me rephrase that.
i do no like when christians have to force their views on facebook with a poll.
the most recent poll to annoy me is the "same sex marriage" poll.
why post that? we already know you are against it.
do we have a poll for people against adultery, gluttony, laziness, pride, should i keep on going? because if you want i will make a poll to cover every sin that all of God's children (including myself) commits.
it seems to me that it is easier for us to point the finger when we are not willing to admit that our own gut is a sin.

bat in the courtroom:
during court a bat started flying around. it was funny watching all of these tough guys run out of the courtroom because they are afraid.

why i need to keep my mouth shut:
this does not need to be explained.

4 years of putting up with me

tomorrow will be angie's and my anniversary. it doesn't feel like it has been 4 years since we got married, but i hear that is a good thing.
i have been blessed to have a perfect wife. she puts up with my comic books, annoying music, leaving my underwear on the floor, my depressing moments, me talking about movies she could care less about, and my spending habits.
what can i say... she got a winner.
i figured i would post a few pictures. the first one is when we were engaged. the next one as you can tell is our wedding day. the last was taken on easter.

once again with the comic pics

i really can't help myself. some of these pictures are just too funny.
one warns us about the dangers of going to the creation museum.

aunt & riley

this was taken by my twin sister while she was watching riley for us. this short video shows what riley loves the most. be warned...seductive dancing movements are in this video.

my wife is the coolest nerd ever!

this is one of my wife's math videos. this is one of the many ways she forces math onto today's youth.

i do not practice what i preach

i am a huge fan of preaching God's love and how we should show it to everyone (not just the ones we would like to offer it to), but i failed this week after arguing my case this past sunday.

some of you may not remember that my blog address/ name used to be enoch the hitch hiker. i picked this name because i have always picked up hitch hikers. i found their company some what enjoyable. some would tell stories of how they are down on their luck, how God is still a big part of their life (right up there with pot), or how they are walking across this beautiful state. some times they even brought along a turtle or snake they had found on the side of the road.

but here recently i have been avoiding picking up hitch hikers. since i have started working here, i have picked up at least 3 people who i have seen sent to jail and knowing what they have done makes it really hard for me to help them out. mix that with me being a father and the fact the higher ups at work tell us that we are not to socialize with the criminals.

when i drive past them i hurt. i hurt because i want to help them. i don't want to let fear stop me from helping them.

so i become like the type of christian i cannot stand... i pray for them and go on.

God is love... did you hear that church?

my fellow brother, who survived ministry, chad estes posted a YouTube video called white man. fun song that made my soul feel a lot better after dealing with backwater theology and the troubled teens in youth group. it is good reminder who God really is.

boys (lesson one)

this past weekend i bought jars of clay's newest album "the long fall back to earth". it is a different sound for jars, but i really love it. there is on song that i really love. boys (lesson one). it is a song to a son.
since i have become a father a lot of things have changed in me. i am really happy with life and i really want my son to be happy and to always know his father is there for him.
i didn't always feel that way. before riley was born i was not too thrilled about becoming a father. it meant i was going to lose what little freedom i had, but the moment i saw him take his first breath things changed.
this song is exactly what i want to say to him when he is old enough to understand. i am not going to be the distant father, but the father that is a best friend.

lesson one do not hide
lesson two- there are right ways to fight
and if you have questions we can talk through the night
so you know who you are
and you know what you want
i've been where you're going
and it's not that far
it's too far to walk
but you don't have to run
you'll get there in time
lesson three- you're not alone
not since i saw you start breathing on your own
you can leave, you can run, this will still be your home
so you know who you are
and you know what you want
i've been where you're going
and it's not that far
it's to far to walk
but you don't have to run
you'll get there in time
get there in time
in time, to wonder where the days have gone
in time to be old enough to wish you that you were young
when the good things are unraveling, bad things come undone
you weather love and lose your innocence
there will be liars and thieves who take from you
not to undermine the consequence
but you are not what you do
and when you need it most
i have a hundred reasons why i love you
so you know who you are
and you know what you want
i've been where you're going
and it's not that far
it's to far to walk
but you don't have to run
you'll get there in time
get there in time
if you weather love and lose your innocence
just remember, lesson one.

best song ever!

thank you tyler.

so very sorry for another pic

this made me laugh out loud at work.

google at work

i hate chocolate too!
i do have a lot in common with him.
even if ang does stop me from wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes.

rainbow batman?

the 50's were an odd time for batman... so glad he is a much darker character again.

the boy wonder

then and now (not for too much longer, but that is another story).
the first pic makes me feel like a kid again. watching him fight bad guys and say corny lines "holy short shorts batman!".

the second one reminds me of when i found out there was a new robin. my grandpa had just past away and my dad bought me a comic book to entertain me on the drive to harlan...

i am a geek...

mid-nite madness

the other day while ironing my clothes (yes i do that. i also iron my t-shirts and jeans. go ahead and laugh) i was hit with an old memory from high school.

for some unknown reason i decided to go to UK's mid-nite madness with two of my friends. i have never been a fan of sports, but the thrill of skipping school and doing nothing sounded like a lot of fun to me. little did i know that i was going to have to wait in line for over 8 hours and be surrounded by people painted in blue and talking about things like the teams history and the new players. like i said before i was not a fan.

while waiting i discovered that it was going to be "catfan forever" a play on the new batman movie "batman forever". that made the wait worth it. it was something i could relate to. comics.

around the 4th hour of waiting a little kid turned around to look at my short friend (not going to say his name due to the fact it could hurt his feelings). he looked him up and down and said "you must be the ugliest person at your school."

without hesitation my other friend spoke up "yes, yes he is."

i laughed.

shorty got upset.

the sad thing is.... the kid was right.

that memory caused me to laugh out loud.

oh how the years go by.

what does this have to do with gum?

my son loves violence

batbed

hmmmm.... what does the term "ward" mean?

get mad

i realize that i am not the most talented blogger in the world. i know that most of my subjects do not cause one to question life, faith, and love. for the most part i write pretty basic things, but i have discovered how to get a lot of blog views.
write a mean blog.
a few weeks ago i wrote a blog on "storm troopers" and in one day i doubled my blog views. why? because i was making fun of a group of people.
this has caused me to rethink my blogging.
do i stick to my normal everyday life blog or do i go for the kill by making fun of different groups of people?
part of me wants to make you laugh when i talk about the pasty face basement dwellers, but something doesn't feel right about always making fun of people.
don't get me wrong. i enjoy being a jerk once in awhile, but the truth is... i am not that mean deep down.
so i am going to stick to what i do best. pointing out my idiotic ways. ordering square shrubs, riding a bike and cutting my leg up, getting one side of my body burned while talking to someone about cars and not having a single clue what they are talking about and getting beat up by james for picking on him (i have a cut on my arm to prove it). all of those wonderful random things that are a part of life.
so don't fear my jedi hating friends. i am going to be kind and back off. your mother's love you just like mine does (well, mine loves me a little more... i moved out of the house a long time ago).

oh how words have changed over the years

this is your life

this morning on the way to work something odd happened.
i was listening to switchfoot (been awhile since i have really listened to them) and the song "this is your life" came on. the chorus asks "this is your life, are you who you want to be?"
for the first time in a long time... i could answer yes.

for too long i have tried to live like other people have wanted. i have played the part of the missionary. i have been the good little boy who has always done what he is told. i have stood before church after church singing and preaching.
but deep down i was never really happy.

don't get me wrong. there were good moments during that time, but i dreaded getting up for work. i didn't want to be around certain people. the people i had to see everyday. God became my boss and i wasn't always too happy with him.

all of that faded this morning when i realized how good of a life i have.
i have a wonderful wife. she is always putting up with my odd habits. she keeps me grounded and she never seems to get too upset when i say something to cause a fight with her family or spend too much money at starbucks.

then there is riley. i never really thought i could fall in love with something that poops more than me. yet he makes the hardest days so much better. the way he smiles when i bark like a dog. when he laughs at me throwing clothes at him... the way he dances when he hears "single ladies".

this is my life. a life that i didn't seek out... it found me.

the other cool thing is i love my job. sure i see some messed up stuff, but still... it is a good job. i don't dread getting up every morning and going to work. i also work with some of my favorite people.

this was a little too serious of a post.. so i will say this...

poop.

my favorite cartoons as a child

he-man
she-ra
smurfs
snorks
pac-man
fraggle rock
scobby doo
superfriends
thundercats
tmnt
jetsons
get along gang
popples
duck tails
darkwing duck
the real Ghostbusters
captian n
captian planet
g.i. joe
cops
wuzzles
ewoks
shirt tales
gummie bears

hmmm.. that is all i can think of at the moment.

to the pasty basement dwellers... i am also a nerd.
i just don't live in the basement of my mom's house.

to the stormtroopers

i was sitting here trying to remember who kicked your (stormpoopers) butts in the return of the jedi, when a little person walked into the office... then it hit me...
the EWOKS killed a lot of you.

EWOKS rock!

nub and nub(check and mate)!

(for my normal viewers, i want to take this time to let you know that i am just giving some people are hard time. i am a fan of star wars, but not too serious of a fan. the ewoks were my favorite and because of that... i can never be part of the 501st... i believe that is a blessing.)

love you tyler!

for you disney freaks... mickey mouse is not funny! buggs bunny all the way!!!

surrounded by stormtroopers

last tuesday my good friend tyler phillips asked if i could video an event for him.
this event was a Q & A with the author of a book... forgive me... not just a book, but a book about star wars.

i love star wars just as much as the normal everyday person who doesn't live in their parents basement, but some people take it to the extreme.

tyler is part of the 501st legion.

what does that mean you ask?

it means he dresses up like a stormtrooper and does charity events, book signings, and what ever else a grown man may do in white plastic.

so we arrive at the event and first thing we are pointed towards the "receiving room" (insert jokes here. jokes only please.). then i witness the true nature of a fan. they share stories of the force. what rebel they are hunting at the time. what their armor is made of. very interesting... i leave the room to go look at books.
finally the time comes for me to record this earth shattering event.

tyler and the rest of the stormtroppers escort the author down to the stage.

the crowd is silent.

the sun is setting.

the ones who haven't left their parents basement in years let out a sigh of relief.

the sun no longer can burn their pasty white flesh.

the author begins to speak.

the crowd soaks up his every word.

i wonder what in the world he is talking about.

am i not a true star wars lover?

am i just a wannabe?

i allow my mind to wonder while recording.

i start to make fun of the people around me.

my friend nate is standing beside me. i look to him to laugh. i look to him to help me make fun of the "mole people", but i discover he is also a mole person. maybe not the the extreme as the rest of the crowd, but he is one of them deep down.

i feel out of place.

i feel like the black ball in a bag full of white ones.

i feel very cool.

many of you may read this and think i am being rude, but i am not.

it turns out that i really enjoyed myself.

sure there were some dorks, but who am i to judge. i read comics. i wear superhero underwear.

it was just nice to feel cool for a few hours.

below i am going to paste the article my friend tyler wrote of the 501st. that is all i am going to say about that.



Troop final roster:
Tyler - TK
Justin - TK
Tony - Clone
Darren - Boba
Cadet - TK
Deb - Officer
Mike - Jedi
???? - Rebel Trooper
Angie - Photographer
Betty - Betty
Ben - Angies handler

Early morning trip report:

I got there with a handler (Tommy) around 6:15 and by that time Justin, Cadet, and Mike (Jedi) were already suiting up in an upstairs room. Made contact with the girls runnin the show for us, super sweet ladies who laid out some simple plans.
Tony and his son got there and we started suiting up. The girls from the store brought Aaron in and introduced us. We got some books set back and went ahead and got them signed. Darren showed up about 20 mins before the event started and had a record setting time gettin into his Boba. Then we had a surprise guest show up, Deb came and asked if we needed her to suit up in her Officer, that was a dumb question. It really helped having someone who could hear and see. We also had a last minute rebel like the ones on Tantive IV show up so we had a nice set of targets.

7:05 we roll out escorting Aaron to the fountain area. There was a nice crowd gathered waiting for the Q&A and a pretty nice crowd out in the store waiting for the 501st! We were positioned behind the stage during the the Q&A. They gave us a nice intro then let Aaron talk and he even mentioned us in one of his stories. Then gave Aaron a nice easy to follow escort to his signing table, we stood guard and let him get situated then moved out to mingle with the crowd. As soon as we moved a good portion of the people around the signing area moved with us.

Lots of parents had brought there kids out to see us and they moved away from the line which actually helped people in the line move through faster. We had a good time takin picks and entertaining the kids big and small. We handed out lots of tattoos and cards, it seems like gifts will really open up shy or scared kids to the bad guys.

I think we made contact with some potential recruits and actually had one guy there acting as a handler who is interested in some of Coreys clone armor. There were some really great moments too, I had an excellent moment with a kid that was a little timid of the troopers. We played a game of "copy cat" or what ever you call it where I mocked all his actions and words and he really opened up and had fun and lost his fear of the TK's.
Tony had a great moment with a young fan that he can tell you about. Just around 9:10 we noticed that we had an extra TK who turned out to be TK-Tim who had snuck in on us.

We hung around until everyone had went through the line to get their book signed. The last person was the Pres of the KSWCC and his little kid was standin there singing the Star Wars theme it was pretty cool to hear a little voice belting out "Da Daa Dun, Da Daa Dun, Da Daaaa Dun Dun"

Then Aaron posed with us for the mandatory group shots with buckets on and off. He finished signing store stock and then I gave him a ride to TGI Fridays to eat with us. We kinda overwhelmed them with our big crowd that late but they were awesome and took great care of us. Aaron seemed to have a good time just relaxing and hanging out, he said he really appreciated what the 501st did here and everywhere. We ate, we talked, we laughed, we rolled out around 11:30. TK-Tim assisted in givin Aaron a ride downtown to his hotel. Aside from the wacky troubles that seem to follow me and him on all troops everything went like clockwork.

Excellent troop MSG, wish some of the TN guys could make it but understand that its hard to do a late troop on a weeknight.
Im sure there is more that other people want to add like (Betty and Angie gettin in trouble for talkin) and pics to come.

--
Tyler Phillips
TK-1143
www.501stso.com

link

spring fever

not saying that i become lazy during the winter months, but these past few days i have worked like a crazed manual labor loving man.

it all started when i ordered some shrubs (which i discovered that all shrubs are the same. you have to cut them round or square. i didn't know this until i was ready to order them).

my goal for this spring is to get the yard looking a lot better. i started by uprooting little bushes that were half dead. then i moved on to planting shrubs(20). then i had to purchase landscaping timbers (you have to make things look neat and clean. it also keeps me from running over the mulch with the lawnmower).

i drove to the local hardware store (the one i used to work at) and purchased 5 landscape timbers. the only problem is... i drive a ford focus. so fitting 5 8 foot timbers in the car was a task, but we did it. i just had to drive really slow. if i were to slam on my brakes i would have lost my windshield.

i worked feverishly on the yard. measuring, planting, shoveling, avoiding dog poop, and mulching (not sure that is a word or not).

after working all afternoon on the yard, i decided to switch gears and start working on an old desk my father had given me.

i finished striping off the paint and i actually varnished it all in one day.
i must admit the smell of varnish did get to me a time or two, but i still enjoyed working hard. now i have finished this desk from my father's childhood. as soon as the smell of the varnish goes away, i will bring it into the house and display my manly work.

this scares the poo out of me. i have always been one who claimed they were allergic to manual labor. i used to fake being sick to get out of racking leaves (which never worked. my dad said the sweat would make me feel better. it never did).

why do i now enjoy such tasks? could it be that i am going to become my father and do riley the same way he did me? am i going to trick him into sports only to end up having him hate them...oh wait... i hate sports. what if he hates comic books? what will i do then?

on a more depressing note...

brant killed a huge beetle.

it is a sad day in lee county.

OH YEAH! tomorrow i get to go to a star wars thing with tyler (he dresses like a stormtropper and is part of the 501st). this is going to be a real treat for me. i have never been in a room full of people that will make me feel better about myself unless i am at a family christian bookstore.
of course i can't make fun of tyler... he isn't that big of a nerd. he can actually carry a normal conversation about comic books.. he isn't always star wars talk...

getting old

it is true.
my back is hurting.
my right shoulder is killing me.
i have silver hair.

what really hit home was when i received "bestlife" magazine. a magazine for aging men. articles telling me how to survive a mid-life crisis, how to handle balding, how to look ten years younger, and a few "adult situation" topics.

when did i become old?
will i stop laughing at fart jokes?
will i stop watching cartoons?
will i actually stop writing notes during church?

the questions and fears that haunt my mind (shudder).

how do you handle getting old?
should i buy a sports car?
play golf?
get a hair piece?

what do i do?

quick question

last night to save time i brushed my teeth while i peed.
angie said it was disgusting.
i thought it was a clever way to do two things at once.
what do you think?
should i be ashamed for even asking such a thing?

his first time

tomorrow i am taking riley for his check up alone. normally angie and her mother take him since i am normally sitting in court, but tomorrow is a boys day out.
so i figure after he gets his temperature taken and weighed, we will head to my comic book store. it will be a powerful moment. i will have to fight the tears as i look into his big blue eyes and see batman's reflection. as he reaches for an action figure (toys to the layman). as all of the other comic book nerds stare and wonder how come i am not living in my mother's basement, why i wear size 33 pants, and how did i ever get married to a girl that doesn't have a tattoo of the wonder woman symbol on their right butt cheek. that is when they realize.... i am their god (lower case g). i am not bound to the rules that apply to most comic book nerds.

tomorrow will be a glorious day.

do i dare speak?

a few months ago (more like 7) i spoke at my home church about "why i don't like christians". before you start jumping to conclusions, i was included in that list of reasons why. it went over well with most people at my church, but i assumed it sealed my coffin. i would no longer be asked to preach (i have a problem with wanting to shock people).

that really didn't bother me that much. i never looked at myself as the preacher type. even though i did kind of pastor a church for a year and i still am a youth pastor, but i have never felt comfortable in the position to tell people what God's word says behind a huge wooden box.

yet, last weekend my pastor asked me to preach on sunday morning. i was shocked, but i was up to the challenge. all week long my mind tried to figure out what i would speak about. so around saturday night it finally came to me (or i thought i did). i was going to talk about "coming to terms with salvation".

i have never been a fan of the pray after me prayer and i believed there was more to my salvation than a quick prayer. i don't believe that salvation can be understood over night or within a year.

it was going to be a message showing how we grow into salvation.

now i am not saying that i was not saved when i said my prayer. i just don't believe i understood it. it was not as easily explained as i had been told in the past or as i was trained to do (many nights i would wrestle with the way things were done in the name of God while in the ministry).

sunday morning while "teaching" my sunday school class, one of the students suggested that i change the title of the message to "evolution of my faith".

speaking at a small country church and throwing the word evolution into the mix could always be considered dangerous, but i knew my church family would listen even if they didn't agree.

needless to say i was very nervous, but it went over well. i confessed my fear and questioning of the Bible. how i have a hard time with the apostle paul's writings, and struggle with coming to terms with being a father.

but when riley was born i fell in love with him and i also started to finally understand the sacrifice God made. 27 years and i still don't understand it completely, but slowly getting there.

i was also able to make fun of southland Bible institute. point out the insane ways they controlled young christians to form to their screwed up view of faith (you always need to make people laugh).
thank God i realized they were full of IT. :)

after the service some people said some really nice things to me, but the person i wanted the approval from the most loved it (angie would honestly tell me if it sucked or not, but not in those words).


on a side note:
i went to see watchmen last night in lexington with tyler and nate. awesome movie. awkward moments.

girl scout cookies are from hell

you read that right. the girl scouts work for satan. only he could make cookies so good...yet so wrong. as i sit here and write i eat a cookie. a sweet short bread cookie.. slowly dipping it into milk. letting it slowly slip between my lips. milk runs down my chin and falls ever so lightly on my chest. oh great... now i am writing cookie porn... this cookies are baked in hell's flames.

paintball pain

i just want to know who shot me in the butt?!?

sunday morning poop

i took this video with my cell... i wanted to capture my little boy talking, but in the middle of the conversation, i realized he was doing more than talking. at the end of the video you can tell that he takes his pooping very serious.

force of habit

i am a lazy blogger.
i have a lot i could blog about, but i would rather just avoid typing about them.
i fear that i am becoming old and boring.
so while sitting in court thinking about how lazy i have become, i was playing with a rubber band.
arguments are going back and forth over a repeat offender.
we have a different judge sitting on the bench.
a court room full of people.
my bladder is full.
i am bad at blogging.
next thing i know, the rubber band goes flying out of my hands in the middle of a sheriff testifying to what he had witnessed.
i look around. i laugh at first, but realize i am being recorded. so i try to play it cool. making sure that no one really noticed my stupid move.

a voice in my head asks me when i am going to grow up... at that same time i take another rubber band and begin to play with it. i hope i still have some crunch berries.

winter months

i think i have blogged before about how i hate the winter months.
dark, cold, depressing, and ice.

this has been one of the coldest winters we have had in my small town.
ice falling from the sky. freezing everything. causing electricity to go out. phones to not work, and worst of all... i spent a few hours with a crazed lunatic!
i can't go into too much great detail, but this person is in love with an egg and a medieval slave that sings song about a land named after a cow.
i know, i know... i am not very tolerant of other people. just trust me when i say, you would have felt the same if you were me.

so now as i sit and wait for my world to thaw a little, i pass the time by playing pac-man and searching the dvr for old family guys... only to discover my lovely wife has deleted them all. thanks ang!

i almost forgot to mention i have a new dog!
my heart is still broken over the death of wondergirl, and i was not out looking for a new dog. i never expected that i would turn into my twin sister and take a stray home. yet, i did. he is not the cutest thing ever, but he is sweet and lovable.
he doesn't bark, bite, or jump on you.
ang was not too thrilled that i brought him home, but she was glad that i saved him from being killed by the local pound.
so now we have a dog called bosco. not sure why i picked that name, but it fits.

jasper has been doing really well. he is growing like crazy and pooping a lot more grown up looking messes. it is kind of unsettling when your son can out fart you. there is a sense of pride, don't get me wrong... i just was not prepared for him to excel over me so soon.

i forced myself to write this blog... i hope many of you find something of use in it. i just wonder if anyone noticed i typed "martian luther king" in my last blog.
i was going to change it, but it shows how big of a comic book nerd i am or how little i pay attention to what i write.