girl scouts and broken kneecaps

i have a habit of ordering girl scout cookies and forgetting when they are coming in or how many i have ordered. needless to say, i cause angie a lot of headaches and my stomach a lot of pain. the biggest problem is, i rarely carry cash on my persons (that is a little court talk).

today was the day the girl scouts hit you up for cash. think of them like small time mobsters. they seem sweet when they offer you their cookies (which i think were baked in hell's fire), but if you don't have the money to pay up, they will beat it out of you. i have had several friends who have been through this ordeal.

"she was all smiles as she broke my kneecaps. i still wake up at night seeing that grin and freckles. my blood getting on her sash." dave says while taking a drink of gin and tonic. he has never been the same since. mention shortbread cookies and he starts crying.

so imagine my horror when i saw the little girl scout on the first floor (i work on the 2nd floor). my heart began to race. i don't have any cash on me. i watched as she took people's money. their hands shaking.

i did the only thing i could think of. i ran. i ran for the bank. i tried to do the math in my head. i figured i had enough time to run across the street and back before she was standing in front of my desk with a box of cookies and a baseball bat.

my little legs took me as fast as they could. i avoided any conversations with the people i would pass on the street. one goal. live.

i raced back to work and as i turned the corner i met the little girl with her right hand thug, her grandmother. they smiled. my heart was beating out of my chest. i played it cool. i held the door open and followed behind them. they entered my office and began going through the orders. when they got to my name i acted surprised.

"i forgot i ordered cookies. it's a good thing i have cash on me."

the little girl looked at me. she could see the sweat running down my face.

"here you go mr.hall. as always, a pleasure doing business with you." the words oozed out of her mouth like the lie from a serpent.

i survived the little green mob this year. i hope i learn from my mistake this year. keep some money in my desk and a gun under my trash can.

it has been a while

i have been a little lazy with my blog.
it seems that i have grown up a little.
i spend most of my time actually working and by the time i get home i just want to spend time with my family.
YET!
i miss being goofy and just saying stuff.
i miss making people uncomfortable without taking my shirt off.

i am going to make an effort to do better.

wait, don't i know this guy?

poor fakor

he-man's clone never fits in...

Riley's # 1 favorite video of 2009

Riley has had many favorite videos. his first favorite one was single ladies. then he moved on to michael gungor's "white man", but only one has kept his attention through the toughest of meltdowns... TEEN TITANS! this makes me proud.

the longest four days before Christmas

last saturday evening i watched my wife and son walk through the gate to sit and wait for their plane. i watched as ang and riley took their shoes off to be x-rayed. i watched as my son smiled and my wife as she carried him out of view.
my heart broke. i never knew i could love two people so much. i never knew that i would be so sad.
angie's family is in st.louis and i had to work up until the day before Christmas eve. i was unable to travel with them to st.louis and so being the good husband i am, i wanted her to spend time with her family before Christmas (we are spending it with my family in harlan county this year).
i spent the week without my family watching cartoons and eating a lot. at night i would lay in bed praying that i would see them soon and falling asleep holding riley's blanket (weird i know, but love makes me mushy on the inside...so i guess the inside matches the outside).
now i sit in the airport waiting for them to walk out and give me a big hug. i look forward to hearing my son laugh and talk non-stop. i am excited to talk to my wife as we drive 4 hours to harlan county. i cannot wait to spend the next few days with my family all around me... no matter how annoying some of them can get. i love them all.
Christmas has a new meaning to me now. i don't care about receiving or giving gifts... i just want to be with the people i love.
thank you james for talking to me many nights as i watched king of the hill. i am sure you got sick of me talking about my family.
thank you cartoon network for playing batman the brave and the bold over and over again.
thank you dishnetwork for creating dvr.
thank you God for my family and this life. i never thought i could be blessed this much with so little money.
Merry Christmas everyone!!!

happy horror days!

my good friend, co-worker, and official beattyville dork, tyler, showed me a scary myth of one of santa's unpopular helpers. he isn't a sweet little elf who makes toys out of wood. not a reindeer that flies him around the world... he isn't even the man who cleans up the stables... he is evil and will turn you into sausage.

"Krampus is a mythical creature. In various regions of the world – especially Austria– it is believed that Krampus accompanies St. Nicholas during the Christmas season, warning and punishing bad children, in contrast to St. Nicholas, who gives gifts to good children.

The word Krampus originates from the Old High German word for claw (Krampen). In the Alpine regions, Krampus is represented by an incubus-like creature. Traditionally, young men dress up as the Krampus in the first two weeks of December, particularly on the evening of December 5, and roam the streets frightening children and women with rusty chains and bells.In some rural areas the tradition also includes birching – corporal punishment with a birch rod – by Krampus, especially of young girls. Images of Krampus usually show him with a basket on his back used to carry away bad children and dump them into the pits of Hell.

Modern Krampus costumes consist of Larve (wooden masks), sheep's skin, and horns. Considerable effort goes into the manufacture of the hand-crafted masks, and many younger adults in rural communities compete in the Krampus events.

In Oberstdorf, in the alpine southwestern part of Bavaria, the tradition of der Wilde Mann ("the wild man") is kept alive. He is like Krampus, but has no horns, is dressed in fur, and frightens children (and adults) with rusty chains and bells, but is not an assistant of Saint Nicholas.

In the aftermath of the Austrian Civil War the Krampus tradition was a target of Austrian Fascists allied with Nazi Germany."

leave it to germany to come up with this creature.

ARGH!!! HAPPY HALLADAYS!

and this is my present to you... many crowns! this makes you a wise man!!!

we are not alone

this past sunday night i watched war of the worlds. loved the tv show in the early 90's and i did like the movie, but it caused me to wonder if we are the only ones.
then i see the news report about the sight in norway...
makes you wonder... or it could be a wormhole to the multi-verse.

i have now found a good reason to carpool.

derek webb.... oh how you have changed.

i know that a lot of people have already posted this... i like this song, but he has changed a lot.

oh Christmas tree

to avoid making my wife mad, i am going to suggest everyone who has a problem with happy holidays please read the article at relevantmagazine.com... this will make some of you shut up the next time you complain about holiday trees...

confession

my frist confession by paint brush.

new list of the not so popular cartoons i watched as a kid.

beetlejuice
shirt tales
silverhawks
woody woodpecker
wuzzles
dino riders

there is a whole lot more. i wonder if i should be ashamed of how many cartoons i watched growing up? nah... it has made me the man i am today.

mask

i was never a fan of hotwheels or tonka trucks, but throw in a superhero team with cars that transform into other things.... i am hooked...
i had a lot of mask toys. i remembered i always wanted the kid that had the robot that turned into a scooter... i just never found him... ah... to be a kid again.

one of the coolest toys ever

i remember the day i got castle grayskull... it was one of the best days of my life.
i still have it in my basement. i am hoping someday riley will also want to play with the coolest toy ever.

the coolest game ever!

most of my friends loved street fighter and the sports games... not me... i loved mario bros type games. heck, i still do. so i was excited when paul told me about the remake of boy and his blob...loved this video game... now i just need to buy a wii.

the comic that changed my life

i was a freshman in high school when i picked up batman 489. my life was forever changed. robin had always been my hero, but when i discovered he was no longer wearing underwear as a costume... i was really happy to start reading comics again. i just thought i would post the comic that changed my life forever... sad isn't it?

dell is the devil and the devil is bad

i started having computer problems monday night. i was unable to look at my facebook page nor was i able to respond to e-mails. it would always cause me to log back in. with each new log in screen, my temper started to show.
the next day i thought i would let tyler (star wars nerd, computer geek, good friend, and co-worker) look at my dell pc.
for some reason the problem would not show it's self at work on the court's network.
tyler informs me that it is not a virus, but something else... something wrong with the software.
stressed and missing the freedom of sitting on my chair watching cartoons while surfing the net pushed me to call dell (dum, dum, dum).
i call.
i get several voice automated messages.
i listen to an annoying recording of a woman telling me i could get the answers online (i really hate that message. if my internet worked do you think i would call this freaking number?).
finally a man picks up. he is from india. i can barely understand him and due to my country accent, he can barely understand me.
i try to explain to him what is happening, but he will not listen. he then proceeds to push me off on the next guy.
i am on hold.
i feel the need to pee.
i go pee.
in midstream he answers.
"what is your service tag number?"
trying to finish ( side rhyme: no matter how much you jump shake or dance, the last two drops always get in your pants).
i tell him the number and try to explain what is going on.
this is when the devil shows his ugly head...
"sir, for us to help you fix this problem you must pay 120 for a one time fix or 200 for a year's help."
"what? i have a warranty."
"sir, that warranty does not cover your software. only the shell."
"what? that is it?"
"yes sir."
"but it is your software that caused me the problem. i bought the problem from you."
"sir, how is it dell's fault? you have been the one using it."
i hang up.
i send a few nasty e-mails.
i get an automatic reply.
the next day i decide to just delete everything and start fresh.
stupid.
i am unable to install everything properly.
i call dell again after sitting in silence wondering if it is worth it.
"please enter your service tag number."
i enter the number.
"thank you."
click.
click?
they hung up on me.
i try this two more times.
each time ends with a click.
i have pissed dell off.
part of me smiles out of pleasure.
the other part curses because my computer still does not work.

never again will i buy a dell computer... NEVER! DO YOU HEAR ME DELL? NEVER AGAIN WILL YOUR CATCHY TUNES AND SLEEK ADDS PULL ME IN!"
now i know why you guys have the lollipop song in your commercial... you suck!

it's that time of year

this coming weekend is one of my favorite annual events... the WOOLLY WORM FESTIVAL!
i encourage everyone to come in for this wonderful event. it is so wonderful that i am off work this friday. it is so wonderful that i will get to eat festival food even when i am not hungry. it is so wonderful that i am going to see old friends and people i don't even know who know my name.

there is going to be a woolly worm race, a parade, funnel cake, cheap toys, illegal copies of movies, knockoff clothing, and plenty of rednecks to make you feel better about yourself.

please come and enjoy... if you need a place to stay just ask!