dear ellen

today i realized how bad i wanted an ipad... so i thought i would write to the ellen show and ask for one.

"dear ellen,
i wish i had a heart breaking story about how my testicle was lost in a big wheel accident or how i rescued baby raptors from a burning building, but that would be bragging... so i am just going to be honest. i want an ipad. i live in the hick town of beattyville, kentucky and i want to be the first kid in my holler to have one.
i have done nothing to deserve your love or awesome gift from apple (which some people think apple is from satan because adam and eve ate an "apple", but everyone knows it was a mushmellon. just thought you would like to know that), but come on we both like women.
so please think of me as you hand out free gifts to screaming women while there is a man in overalls wishing he had an ipad to read david sedairs books like New Yorkers.

love and peace and all that stuff that is suppose to be free,
Tommy Hall"

what do you think? will it work?