i am not as nice as i may seem

most people in my life think i am really nice and compassionate person. they have seen the way i reach out to the hurting and how i stand up for the underdog. i have been praised and hailed as the nicest person in my family. trust me i am not bragging... for i am far from that. it is nice that i have fooled so many people, but if i were to really stop and be honest i would realize that i am a liar (in someways).
i started to really notice it last night when i was with a friend. we were making fun of a mutual friend (i am leaving the names out just in case the mutual friend is reading this). we both pointed out his or her flaws and had some pretty funny moments at this person expense. i left that dinner feeling light hearted and joyful (only because i put someone else down..well not only for that reason. i loved spending time with this friend, but it was one of the many common bonds we have).
it also makes me think back to the times i have made fun of a large woman for wearing stretch pants. it is so wrong for someone large to wear such a garment. i mean.. they are stretch beyond belief and i mostly sit and wait for the stretch to give out.. i mean even stretch armstrong breaks when you stretch him too far.
just now my wife was telling me not to post this cause "like, you should really sleep on this.. maybe you won't like, post this blog. it could like hurt some one's feelings". so i had to point out that i started counting how many times she says like. it all started last weekend when i listened to her tell a story to her friend. i found myself getting so annoyed. it was every other word.
i don't know what is wrong with me. i used to never make fun of people. i was picked on a lot in middle school. i was short, fat, had a mullet, and i wore glasses that got dark in the sunlight. i was not the cool kid. it may have started when i went to bible college and discovered how stupid some people could actually be. there was actually this one girl who believed she could make me fall in love with her by how she prayed. i think it is a sin to get turned on by a prayer.. isn't it? or the time i was actually told to sit down and pee in the office building cause they could hear me peeing by the coffee machine. what man sits down and pees?
as i sit here and write this i hear myself making fun of ugly women on tv and making fun of the televangelist trying to get me saved from my life of greed... but i first have to send him 50 bucks for my prayer to get heard. that is when it hits me.. paul is the reason why i make fun of people so much (paul is my brother in-law). that is all we have in common. he makes fun of everyone that crosses his path. he has a way of pointing out people's flaws and makes them funny. he can make the sad little clown laugh and the most cold of heart warm with joy as they laugh at my attempt to play poker. he claims to be a content soul, but i think he is really insecure and sad with his life of taunting and crushing spirits. like a drug dealer he sells you this lie of satisfaction.. the satisfaction of putting others down to make you feel better about your own personal short comings.
you maybe saying.. "turn your painful words on him".. it is impossible. i have tried many times to make fun of paul, but i cannot. nothing phases him. he just looks at you like you are the biggest retard.. speaking of which.. one time i was in mcdonalds waiting for my food and the "cook" comes out from behind the grill with blood on her hand.
"i cut my "f"ing hand." she exclaims with sweat stains on the pits of her shirt.
the manager "get back to work."
while all of this is going on a large group enters mcdonalds. i am so angry i don't care. i am disgusted by the bloody "cook".. i take my tray to my sit and yell.
"there are a bunch of retards up there!"
as soon as the words leave my mouth my sister points to the crowd that surrounds me. at that moment i became sick.. the special olympics had been held that day and they were waiting to have their bellies filled with fast food.. i felt horrible.. so i left..
how can i change this problem i have? why do i find myself making fun of little foot right now when i am trying so hard not to make fun of people.. why i am talking like the annoying girl that doesn't know how to swallow spit while she talks... why am i still laughing at the way we made fun on an old man that we saw last night wearing a shirt that said "i'd fcuk myself" (that was how it was spelled)...
i need to really get away from paul.... i need to save myself from a life of hurtful words thrown at those around me.
(paul knows i am writing this.. how do you think i was able to make fun of people in my blog?)