a letter of love

i received this e-mail. i was told i should share it and call the person out. i just wish i knew who you were... then i would buy you a steak dinner and kill you with kindness and a steak knife. kidding!!! i would never take you out for a steak dinner. maybe to the purple cow or something.
i really don't understand where you get off saying these things and i did edit your e-mail. i don't like you making fun of my friends. that is my job.
so please step down off your high horse and realize that i am only human and yes i do say a lot of stupid things, but it's a free world.. therefore i am able to say stupid things.


Tommy,
I read about you in Matthew Turner's book Hokey Pokey. I must say I was impressed with your faith, but then I was directed towards your blog and found that you are nothing more than a fake. You cling to the ideas of a free thinking world, but in a "Christian" way. That is impossible to do. You clam to love God, but you seem to love yourself more. You talk about things that no one should even speak.
You are shallow and a fake. The Bible warns us about people like you. Tickle our ears Tommy. Tickle our ears.
I just pray that God saves your soul and the ones you are taking down with you. I feel for your unborn child and wife. Though I am sure you love them with all of your heart, but I know your son will never hear about the true God as long as you follow this path.

so far behind

i turned 30 and i fall behind on work, blogging, and sleep.

nose hair

i plucked and i cried...
i use scissors and i cut my nose.
i let them grow, they tickle me...
i used nair... it burns!!!
what is a man to do?

trying to figure out who god is

of course as a christian i am always wondering about things that deal with God. like why me? and why am i going bald, but my back is covered in hair?
but the god i am trying to figure out is the one who left the comment on my blog on focus on the family.
i thought i knew who it was, but i was wrong. i aksed a couple of my friends and none of them would own up to the comment. it's not that i am mad... i found some of it somewhat funny... i just want to know who.
cause we all know that it isn't the real God... he would never accuse me of drinking or smoking...

bonding moment

angie and i have been friends for most of our lives. we grew up in the same church and worked at the same camp every summer. i think that is why we make such a good team as husband and wife. we were friends before we were a couple. we knew each other's strengths and weaknesses before we ever decided to get married (well, most of them).
i didn't think a lot would surprise me in our marriage, but i was wrong.
she freaks over bills (something about a 30 dollar comic book bill is disturbing to her). she enjoys mac and cheese. she loves tacos and she rarely laughs at a PG-13 movie. she also hates cartoons...
so you could see where distance would come between us after a few years of marriage. i tried to give up cartoons and comics for her, but i was unable to do that for her. i felt like a failure.
how can we rekindle the love we once had for one another? the kind of love that knows no embarrassing moments?
i am sure wise men have searched for a way to solves this problem without counseling and spending a lot of money.
i am not a wise man, but i have discovered a way to bring the "magic" back..
today i have to go to the doctor or maybe i shouldn't call it a doctor, but i am getting a massage. i didn't want my hairy back showing.. so my lovely wife agreed to nair my back while watching the Olympics. it was beautiful.
the roar of the crowd.
the burn of the nair.
the smell of burning hair.
angie holding her breath.
it was awesome.
it was amazing....
i am the best husband in the world!

bored out of my mind

work has been so slow today. i am not sure why this is. i work in a place where there is always someone getting in trouble and having to come to us to pay their fine or find out when they have to be in court.

not today!

i have sat and watched the clock for the last hour. i believe i would rather be working on something. maybe even mowing my yard again (which i mowed the other day in the dark).

a friend told me about twitter. i joined. i think it is retarded, but also fills in the dead time. i am able to confess stupid stuff.. like how retarded i think people are.. my desire to tell people to shut up... my insecurities when it comes to being honest about the habits i have (i am not talking about alone time pervs!).
i have five minutes before i can leave. i hear a train.. good.. it won't be able to block the road i take home.

i look forward to the weekend. i look forward to relaxing. i look forward to hanging out with friends. i look forward to sleeping in.
no one ever told me that when you get older you sleep less. that is very unfair. i miss sleeping. i miss waking up at 12 and sleeping one more hour. i miss sitting in my underwear all day at the house watching people's court.

but if i were to do that .. i would miss the money i am making now...

well, it is almost time for me to leave. i hope you all have a good weekend... just avoid focus on the family!

focus on your own family!

last night i had the honor of spending a few hours listening to a bunch of people talk in circles. they tried to paint these images of hope driving the vehicle (what the heck does that mean? i know who hope is, but what is the vehicle and how can i avoid it's path of destruction)? they talked about churches working hand in hand (that will never happen. the churches around here think they are better than one another). they gave speeches of declare, share, and repair or something retarded like that.

don't get me wrong. i wish focus on the family could save this community and millions like it, but they can't. the problem(there are a lot more problems trust me.. like the fact they give really bad speeches, they twist scripture to justify them begging for money..it could go on) with focus on the family is they only trust in the churches to help. not a bad idea if the churches actually were sane or able to see beyond their own views, but i know all too well that the pastors cannot get a long (i used run the score clock for a church league basketball outreach... boy do those preachers get nasty and use words my mom would wash my mouth out with soap for saying.. actually she never washed my mouth out, but she did my twin. it was funny).

i think the highlight of the night was watching josh. he has no facial expressions when sitting in a room full of people talking about retarded things. he doesn't even roll his eyes. i watch and wait for a bead of sweat, but nothing. i have told him often that i wish i could read his mind then i would know what he was thinking, but until then i will make up stories in my head of what he is thinking (he thinks about pink ponies way too much).

i guess i write all of this to say... and in the words of my friend james langteaux (who called right in the middle of the most important part of the speech... the sinners prayer!).."james dobson, focus on your own dang (avoiding soap in the mouth) family! then smile and say "have a bless-ed evening" (which i can't say what james told me that meant in southern talk).

in other news... i am starving. i haven't had breakfast yet, i have to go to court in a few minutes, and i have 3 paper cuts on my hand... it's going to be a wonderful day... it will be much better once i get to eat. i guess i could go get a twinkie...mmmmm...
also.. sorry if there are a lot of mistakes in this. i am just a retard most days...

ninjas, soft toilet paper, and interns

kicks butt, cleans butt, kisses butt....

my diet is now screwed

i went to get me a drink at the offices vending machine.. i glanced over to the snack machine to see what the normal folk are eating.. then i saw it... a light from heaven opened up and the angels sang... twinkies! i love twinkies! only 80 cents!!! i bought a pack... 2 are in a pack... i am happy, but screwed!

i am addicted

i am addicted to eclipse gum. i bought one of those big containers of gum... i can't stop chewing the gum. i tried to stop and i got the shakes. it gets my mind going, but i am sure it isn't a habit. i can stop anytime i want. don't judge me.. you drink pop i am sure. you eat fatty foods.. there's no difference.... back off. no i don't need to go to a class to help me stop chewing gum. you stop cursing. maybe you should go to a class for that. does my chewing gum offend you? your face offends me... shut up.. go away..

this is what it would sound like if i were addicted to eclipse gum, but i am not. i just need one more to get through the day.

sticky things and pulling out my hair

i have been trying to keep this hidden for the most part. i have never been a fan of showing too much weakness. i don't like when people ask me questions about my health and crap like that, but i guess i should just come out and say what i have on the side of my belt.
no... it isn't a pager. the 80's are gone... no matter what the today show says... i hated the 80's (well, not the cartoons).
no... i am not wired for the cops to hear about your past. even though that would be cool. i have always wanted to work for the law in that way, but then i would end up tied up in a dark room with my feet in a pan of water and electric shock things on my forehead.
it's a heart monitor like thing. it only records my heart when i go into one of my "episodes". i have to wear it for a month. the sticky things have pulled out a lot of the hair. so i just shaved my belly and chest.
i even have to wear it when i sleep. i find myself wanting to rip the things off in the middle of the night.
then to find clothes to wear to work where it doesn't show is impossible. so i am cutting a small whole in the pockets of my dress pants. i want to run the wire through there and put the monitor in my pocket. i am very smart like that.

in other news:
angie's back is killing her.
jasper's favorite song is by the flaming lips (yoshima battles the evil pink robots pt1).
i am getting a second tattoo.
james' love for my retarded conversations still grows stronger.
wondergirl thinks she is a duck (she has made some friends who happen to be ducks).
mr.land has given me two huge got milk heroes posters.
angie's friends are coming in the weekend.
i have rediscovered my love for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
paul is moving back to lexington.
josh packs light.
rue burns easily.

that is all i can think of...

i stole this from Jeof

i ventured to jeof's blog and saw this. i laughed and i thought "what the heck, i am going to copy this and put it on my blog".
so here it is.

A friend sent me this which I post due to the absence of meaningful content.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me. "

12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

And by the way, next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's ... not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

belly buttons

i really hope ang's belly button does not pop out. i think that is scarey. kind of like a turkey in an oven. it is finished when the red thing pops out.
that is cool on a turkey cause everyone loves turkey,
but it is not cool on a person.
true they are carrying life inside them, but the belly button needs to stay in. i am not sure i could share a bed with a person who's belly button is sticking out.

what if it touched me?

after coffee mints

boy, those mints are strong. i put a couple in my mouth and my eyes start to water. tears streaming down my face as i sit at my desk and try to figure out how to enter a judge's order. i look on the box of mints for a warning.
there isn't one.
my eyes burn.
should i file a lawsuit?
i wipe my eyes and the mint "dust" on my fingers gets into my contacts.
oh sweet merciful luthor!
it burns.
i am now starting to sweat. i feel drops running down my forehead.
is this snot coming out of my nose?
what have these mints done to me?

i want to curse.
i want to go home and forget about work because of these stupid things.
i get up from my desk and walk back and forth.
i go blow my nose.
i wipe the sweat off my face...

i eat 4 more mints.

song stuck in my head

do you ever have a day when you get a song stuck in your head for no reason?
i am having that today.
i woke up early to start my day a little better than normal.
i prayed.
read a little.
took the dog for a walk.
then the thong song got stuck in my head while i was getting dress. i couldn't get it out. i still can't.
isn't that weird?

inside my head

slipping on a desk

short story. promise.
the county attorney stopped by the office to refresh his memory on some legal stuff. there was no problem with him doing this. he really doesn't need any of our help unless the book he needs is on the very top book shelf. that is where i come in. i have to stand up on a desk and reach for them (i am not very tall, but i am not a "little person" either).
i happily told him i would retrieve the book of his choice (today has been a really good day and my mood has been kind of hyper). i walked into the back office and jumped on to the desk. once my feet hit the desk i slid. thankfully i was able to catch myself before i damaged myself or the bookshelf. someone had taken furniture polish to the desk!
as i stood there making sure i was ok, i turned to notice if anyone had seen my display of idiotic talents. thankfully no one was there, but i could feel the red on my face and the worry of falling off of that desk.
it's still a good day.. i just won't be jumping on desks anymore...

mri

yesterday was an exciting day for this little country boy.
it started around 5:45 when my alarm went off.
i hit snooze.
then i finally decided to get out of bed at 6. i had to leave the house by 6:30. normally i have my alarm set for 6:15, but don't get out of bed til 7, but today was a different day. i had an appointment in lexington. a little visit with a little machine called an mri. i am sure most of you have heard of the contraption. it is a machine my brother in-law danny cannot enter (due to his arvd), my mother in-law fears it, and my wife must avoid it until after jasper is born.
so i drag my body to the shower and quickly clean myself and put on fresh clothes. i am in my car by 6:45. i am running late, but i can make up for it on the road. i can speed and road workers are not at their jobs until 8.
i make it to richmond in less than 45 minutes, but i still have a ways to go to lexington (about 30 more minutes to the hospital). i am tired and i need a pick me up. so i stop by starbucks and get me a coffee with 4 shots of espresso.
i am back on the road in a matter of minutes, but wait.. what is this? i finally hit the interstate and it starts to storm?!
imagine this with me. huge semi's doing 85. my little focus doing 85. pouring rain. lightening flashing. the rain gets harder. i slow down. the semi's do not. they pass me as my windshield wipers try to keep the water off my windshield. the storm gets worse. the cars around me slow down to 45. the semi's flash their lights. i grow a little nervous just waiting for a semi to hit me. finally i make it to my exit.
i arrive at st.joe's a little late. i have a hard time locating the room i am supposed to be waiting. i don't know my BMI (body mass index). why they ask this question, i do not know.
finally i end up in the mri. it is loud and i am having a hard time relaxing. on of the sequences makes my right pec jump with each noise. 45 minutes pass. i am finally out of that machine.
tammy (the tech) comes to me holding a disc with pictures of my brain. i smile. i finally have a picture of my brain.
as i find my way through the maze of the hospital i see my wife's doctor. the man who is going to deliver our baby. his smile freaks me out. i am not sure why. i just don't think a man should smile that much when he is always looking at women's private parts for work.
15 minutes later i find my car. i am in a hurry. i have to find some ear candles for josh and rue, then head to work.
i pull up to the gate.
a recorded voice tells me to pay 50 cents to exit.
no problem.
i open my wallet. i have no cash.
dang.
"please deposit 50 cents."
i begin to search for change (this one sentence caused a lot of baptist to shudder).
i am throwing stuff left and right. finally i find 5 dimes. i put them in the machine. it spits them back out. it takes quarters only!
CRAP!
so i park my car and quickly walk back to the hospital. i pass this large woman smoking and cursing at her child. i smile. she glares. i feel fear build in my stomach as i look at her. is she going to kill me? is she going eat me? is she going to smoke that in front of a no smoking sign?
i run to the coffee shop in the main entrance. i get my quarters. i run to my car. where did i park? 5 minutes of searching. i finally find my car.
"please deposit 50 cents".
i slip the coins in and leave.

i tell this long story to say... i have finished all of my work this morning. i had plenty of time to sit down and right out a long unimportant blog. it's nice to have days like this.

countdown to becoming an old man

soon i will be 30. i will have to give up the things that i once loved.

relevant magazine (it is geared toward 20 somethings).
saying things like "bro" and "dude".
hanging out with kids from my youth group (it just comes off creepy).
reading comic books in public (this should become a closet sport).
watching anything on mtv (since i am becoming more mature i should view that channel as filth, but secretly watch it).
take up more mature reading materials (step away from the christian self help books and start reading autobiographies).
take all song lyrics off facebook, myspace, and e-mails.
fix relationships that i once ignored (ummm.. maybe not. there are a few people from southland i would like to forget and a handful that are not related to my fundi past that would be better off forgotten).
stop telling fart jokes.
stop talking about poop.
stop laughing at perverted middle school jokes.
learn to keep thoughts to myself even when i know they are going to make everyone around me laugh.
refrain from making fun of people (this will be hard. a lot of my friendships are built around making fun of people).
i must give up cartoons!!! which will be easier since the avatar was cancelled.

this is just a small list of things that a 30 something should avoid. i am sure as i mature i will discover a larger list.

realizing i am old

this past weekend i went to the movies with a few of my younger friends.
what started out as a short drive turned into an all night "adventure" (only word i could think of that wouldn't be offensive to them).
the dark knight was sold out until 10:50. so we went to barnes and noble and hung out for 2 hours. this didn't bother me. i love books and gosh darnit they love me too.
from there we went to best buy. this is a huge temptation for me. i love music and i was surrounded by good deals and some hot music that i thought i would need. yet i was strong and avoided purchasing the lovely noise.
from there we headed over to the theater. while the rest drove brad and i walked. we need to catch up. since he graduated i felt like i haven't talked to him in years. he has always been a good kid, but has a way of getting himself into trouble.
i finally find my place in the soft seat and was ready to see my hero kicking butt...
8 previews later i get to see the movie..
it was awesome. i couldn't believe how good it was. as a comic book nerd i only had a few complaints... i wanted to cry, clap, and scream. it was beautiful. thankfully you can't tell that it is heath playing the joker... so the movies can go on.
as we are exiting the theater i hear my good friend the beast suggest getting something to eat.
it is 1 a.m.!
mcdonalds?
they are closed.
taco bell?
that food makes me sick.
the waffle house!
dear God i am never going to get home.
we sit.
we eat.
we laugh at the drunk man.
we finally leave to go home.
after a long drive and listening to the worst music ever placed on this earth, i arrive at my car. it is 3:50 a.m. ...
i drive as quickly as i can to get home.
i lay down at 4:04.
8 a.m. i recieve a text.
i ignore it.
10 a.m. a friend calls.
i refuse it (won't be the first or the last time).
i lay in bed until 1. i realize i am getting old and i need my sleep.
i take a deep breath and slowly get out of bed. my body hurts. my mind is slow. i am old. i am old and sore. i am my father.