the man in orange

today i had a lot of things on my mind. work, my friend coming into town, youth group party, and a mexican restaurant. needless to say my mind was not on the road. while driving i passed a man hitch hiking.i came close to hitting him, but he didn't see it. i figured he was probably heading to town and it really wasn't that far of a walk..i was also running late to meet my friend for some mexican food. so i sped by, yet when i passed our eyes met. i felt bad.(i have a habit of picking up hitch hikers when i am alone. my mom says it is stupid, but my dad thinks it is cool). i turned around at the baptist church (have you ever thought it was strange that the baptist don't believe baptism saves, but the church of Christ does.. it seems like they would since it is in their name, but who am i to question such things). when i came back he hopped in my car and we took off to the big city of beattyville. we talked. i learned a little about his life and where he was from. the whole time i felt like i had met him before. i dropped him off at his destination and headed to mine. when i arrived at the mexican restaurant (which i actually heard a man complain about how the owners didn't speak english very well. if he has a problem with it... why go there? some people are stupid. sometimes i am one of them, but today.. no sir. i wasn't that retard). i was explaining to junior why i was late and how i think i knew this man. we both assumed it was from my days working at the hardware store. while stuffing my face and hearing junior talk about his girl problems it hit me. i know where i have met this man before. (if you don't remember i work at the courthouse and i am in all of the trials that take place in our wonderful city). i looked up at junior and said "he was in an orange jumper with chains the last time i saw him." that is right. i picked up a man that was in prison last week.
yeah.. sorry.. not very good story telling. i have not been sleeping much these past few days. it seems that i have been having weird dreams. dreams that wake me up in a sweat. i find it hard to return to sleep after i see the images of toy airplanes with cameras looking for me, while hiding in a box. praying that they won't hear my heart beating. yeah.. i need to stop watching so much television..

wrinkles and puppy poop

i am normally a pretty good morning person. i wake up to the sound of 3 alarms at random times between 5:30 and 6:30 (my wife has to set several different clocks to make herself get out of bed and repeatedly hits snooze). i got out of bed in record time this morning. i was out of the shower before 6:45 and i didn't cut myself shaving either. i try to give myself enough time to check my e-mail, watch some videos, eat breakfast, make my dog some eggs (laugh), and iron my clothes. yet somehow i almost ran out of time. first my shirt would not iron. i sprayed it down with water and had the iron as hot as i could get it (this is where you say my wife should be doing this for me). my tie would not tie straight (insert joke here). i was feeling stressed even before i had left the house.
when i went outside to feed my puppy....i stepped in poop. not good. then wondergirl jumped on me and put her paw prints so sweetly on my pants. i allowed myself to swear once (only once.. i promise. it wasn't a major one. it's one that you would hear in a PG movie). i actually kicked her. not hard, cause she thought i was playing. she kept doin it. i gave her the eggs and left. yet as i walked away i felt bad for kicking her. i went back and loved on her. ran to my car and took off. i got behind this really slow person. i tail gated them all the way to the high school (thankfully they turned, but waved). it was my pastor's wife..
so now i am at work waiting for court to start. we have over 200 cases today. so yay!!!
let you in on what i have learned this week.
1. you really can't lick your elbow.
2. you can't lick your own nipple (someone dared me to and i tried and i couldn't. this maybe something i shouldn't share).
3.puppy poop is not easy to wash out of dress shoes.
4.no matter how much water you spray; wrinkles do not come out. use more fabric softener.
5.farting in your desk chair makes it not as loud, but the smell will stick in it.
that's just a few of the things that i have learned so far this week and it is only tuesday. i can't wait to share what i learn today.
oh and i also learned that you have to be in church everytime the doors are open.. yeah.. i know. i had no clue. must be one of those things Jesus forgot to tell us about.

favorite song lyrics

a little ditty about jack and diane
friends are friends forever
i don't want anybody else
i am a whore i do confess
back off y'all with less of that sex
hail to glorious old lee county
i'm the lucky one
the hills are alive
i wish i were an oscar mayer wiener
u-g-l-y
ok.. so most of these are not my favorite lyrics, but i haven't blogged in forever. some of my friends have complained because they have not been able to make fun of my poor writing skills and my lack of concern for the words i write. it seems that i have a habit of saying things that i shouldn't, but i find myself just saying what i think. like in this moment i wish i had some powdered donuts. yet it is better that i don't. i have lost some weight...even though one of my close friends likes to call me fat. i have tried to learn how to vomit, but i just can't do it. i should start going to bed early. i have to get up around 6 to be ready for work.
tonight i found myself at a bell concert. a bell concert.. let me say it again... a bell concert. i know.. i should stop being so wild and just stay at home at watch my america's next top model. yet my youth group was part of it. it was kind of neat watching them ring their bells, but i couldn't help but be annoyed by the hard wooden pews. comeon. i know i live in the country, but we have soft seats... my butt fell asleep half way through the lovely noise of bells felling the air.
an hour later we were free to go. on my way out my friend alan told me about his father's finger getting closed in a safe and the tip being cut off.. ugh... they are trying to sew it on as we speak..
ok.. i am finished.. i am seeing a commercial for heroes and it makes me happy... i have missed them.

wondergirl is now part of my family

today i got a puppy... she is a mutt, but she is my mutt. she is only six weeks old and she weighs 15 pounds.. so she is going to be a big dog.

angie and i took forever to figure out a name for her. my little nephew jack thought about wilbur, but that is a boy's name. we thought of ethel, but that is an old woman's name. then it came to me... i am a comic book nerd... so i asked ang what she thought about wondergirl. she actually liked it. so now we have "dum dum dum dum!!!! WONDERGIRL!!! laugh. i know you want to.

anberlin is making me love them all over again

friday night i went out with a few of my friends (junior, angie, amanda, and tammy). ok.. so one of them is my wife, the other is my sister, but still friends none the less. while waiting for our movie to start (blades of glory. talk about that in a second). so we went out to eat and then like every red blooded bluegrass american, we went to wal-mart. while walking through the store trying to avoid making a fool of myself by laughing at the high school jokes jr and i were making i noticed anberlin's cities. i had forgotten about them having a new cd. not sure how that happened though. i mean.. they are on the front of relevant(you know the christian magazine that isn't really that christian) . i bought even though my wife rolled her eyes and said "i hope they don't scream." it was awesome. i only was able to listen to a few songs, but wow.. in my view... this is there best so far. even if he does move like a girl on stage. i love fin.
well, after wal-mart we headed to the movies. it was a nice little theater, but they were late showing the movie and all i could think about was having to work on saturday. yet when will showed his face on the screen.. i couldn't help but laugh. this may come as a shock to a lot of you, but i am not a huge fan of comedies. i find them boring. yet once you look beyond the gay undertone (nothing against the gay people, i just found it too over the top) will's normal humor.. it was a good story with a lot of heart. i did laugh out loud, but my wife did not. she was offended by the humor and the bare chested will...
yeah.. pretty boring blog i know. i am out of my meds. i found myself overly tired today. lastnight i could hardly keep my eyes open and i found a way to offend my best friend (still haven't figured that one out, but i feel bad. it was just one of those nights when no matter what i said to anyone they looked at me like was sticking a knife in there hand). today i was so out of it. i could not think fast enough, but thankfully i had to go somewhere and afterwards i headed home to sleep. i slept hard too.. i actually drooled. yeah.... i know.. sick. don't worry. if you stop by for a visit i would never let you use my pillow. it is soft, fluffy, and big. i will let you sleep with my Batman blanket. it is soft and warm.
i can't wait to get my meds. i feel like i am lost without a way home....nah.... i wanted to sound desperate for a second. promise not be so random next time or do i?

understanding the day

after a long day of work i like to sit and think about what actually took place throughout the day. to focus on the moments i allowed myself to let someone in or shut someone out. to think about the times i asked God for help or cursed the man who asked for something that caused me to walk around the store and find it (to only tell me that is too much and then walk out of the store).
i wonder if God really watches the moments when i struggle to smile at the man who smells like he hasn't flossed his butt in weeks. i wrestle with the fact that He cares about the times i allow myself to let a curse word slip when i drop something on my toe. i know duke cares. he doesn't believe in idol words, but i didn't say buddha... i said s**t.
i look down at my feet and wonder if people laugh at my shoes. they look like oldman shoes. not really the cool kind that teens like to wear, but the kind my late papaw wore while shooting rats along the rock wall beside his house. i think Jesus would wear these shoes. ummm... i think. i guess my shoes are kind of cool. i think i will wear them to work again.
do i wish to be rich? somedays i do. i would like to buy a new car. the cd player is good, but i would like to have a huge truck. i work with a guy who drives a huge truck. when i ride with him i feel like a tough man. like i enjoy killing helpless animals and gutting them in the front yard for everyone to see my kill. yeah, a truck... that would be cool, but being rich would not help solve my problems. could it? nah... isn't God all i need?
the voice in my head says "ummm, your adderall has worn off. so ask me in the morning. of course you need to talk to your doc about a stronger dose."
my heart screams " yes you retard... He is all you need, but that truck is what you want.. so get it. angie won't care. so what if you will worry about your house payment.. God will always take care of you."
"heart?"
"what?"
"is that really you?"
"no."
"then who is this?"
"dude, you just called me. what are you talking about?"
"oh yeah, sorry. i was talking to myself. i didn't realize you answered the phone"
awkward laugh...
it's hard understanding the day. yet, it is nice to think back and see that i won't have to relive it again. i hope.. that would suck. cause i don't want to have to smell that guy again.. that was just sick.

being nude and the bald man

my last blog i talk about my good friend dustin not remembering the present i got him for his birthday. as i look back on that moment, i can easily forgive him for his wealth of plastic turtles with weapons. yet i find myself thinking of all the moments that caused me to make a fool of myself. the moments where i either wanted to cry or curse. when my face would be blood red or the blood would stop flowing (normally due to him choking me for a laugh).

freshman year i was coming to terms with the changes my body was going through. the year before my voice had already changed, but i shed the extra pounds that circled my abs like the rings of saturn. i had also discovered the art to fixing my hair. no longer was i sporting the NKOTB (new kids on the block) look. i also was building up my confidence around the ladies. my first period class was gym (sure i may have been a gym teacher later on life, which was funny in it's self, but i sucked at basketball. i can't jump). b.j. ( my first teen crush) and some other girl that was pretty( but not worth remembering) was sitting on the stage. i was working my magic and the ladies were lovin my smooth talking and my sweet smile... next thing i know my pants fall to my ankles. they laughed and never had i been more thankful for long t-shirts. i turned to see who had caused the moment of victory to slip through my hands. it was dustin. my so called best friend.

time had past and even though more embarrassing moments happened, dustin's and my friendship stayed strong. we weathered the dreaded broken back, the sexual attraction to his girlfriend (i would have never confessed this if he would have told me they were dating. we were friends for crying out loud..why didn't he tell me?). even the campout trips with flying marshmallows and bottles of pee. yet he would strike again and my nude body would be seen by b.j. (this time she screamed).

it was on senior trip (the last real senior trip in the history of lee county high), and we were in chicago. we stayed in a cool hotel with a huge indoor swimming pool. one evening after a fun dip in the pool, i returned to my room. dustin was on his way out as i was removing my wet swimsuit. i told him to not let anyone in since i planned on drying off while watching the television. he agreed and walked out. as i stood there watching friends free as the day i was born, i had no clue what was taking place out side of the room.

you see as dustin walked out he ran into b.j. she was wanting to hang out and talk to me. she asked where i was and dustin told her i was in my room.

"it's open. so walk on in" he says.

as i watch ross and rachel break up for the 2nd time. the door opens and there stands b.j. looking at my nude body. she screams. i scream. she runs off leaving the door open(mind you, the hotel was set up in a way where all of the rooms faced the indoor pool and indoor court yard where many people sat and laughed and ate their dinners). so as i run to shut the door many other people see my glory and compared to others, the lack thereof. at that point in my life i had become very comfortable with my body, but still i was embarrassed.

a week later he convinced me to streak at prom. sure it got some laughs, but my poor sister was never the same when she saw her twin brother running around the schools gym with a smile on his face.

the last day of school i was speaking with my french teacher mrs.ross. she was sweet. she had blue hair. she also looked like she had been carrying a baby for 50 years (mark noe always called it the 50 year old fetus). as i shared that gentle moment with this blue haired woman... i felt a breeze and heard the laugh. dustin had done it again. my shorts were once again down around my ankles. this time it was not b.j. , but mrs.ross. a woman that i could not impress nor win over with my charm.

she just said "dustin" (add french/country accent).

if i were able i would have beat him, but since it took me awhile to pull my shorts up (due to the fact my boxers didn't have the button in the front and we all know quick movements could cause some outing of the willie or mr.woowoo).

so... dustin. i do forgive you for over looking surfs up michelangelo, but can i learn to forgive you for the humiliation that you caused over the years? if i were to write all of these moments down, it would be an epic novel more action packed than LOTR and filled with more twists than m.night moive. someday my bald friend ... you will be exposed.

(this pic proves i am not the only one to poop my pants)

men will be men and pawl will be....ummm... a bride's maid

there once was a boy named pawl. he enjoyed making fun of a hall. the boy of his jokes, seemed to be favored by all folks and was in many weddings winter and fall. pawl never seemed to worry, but fate would smack him in a flurry and now pawl will stand with a woman in hand, but pawl would be the maid of honor and not a man.

this poem may offend some who love and know pawl, but i have to laugh when i think about him being the man of honor (maid of honor) in his friend's wedding. all of those times he made fun of me for being in weddings or singing in them... it has come back to him 10 fold. you rock that dress and don't forget to fix her train when she goes up to light the unity candle. (this is an actual pic).

i have found a love for violence

most of you who know me, know that i love comic books. sad but true. if you mention anything to do with comics around me i will start rambling like an idiot about them. i have caused many awkward moments by talking about this deep love for heroes in capes and tights. it was always my escape from the world of worries and the constant pursuit of God's will. i was able to sit in my room or bathroom and read about the adventures of robin the boywonder.

(he has always been my hero. he was a kid that took on big time bad guys, but never let the darkness around him take him over.) comics can actually be very deep if you just read them. the stories are never ending and the good guys always have their failures and weaknesses. one of my favorite robin comics is when he allows a bad guy to die. yet months later he is haunted by the images of this man. telling him that he sent him to hell. something so real about something so fake.

last night i watch 300 for the 2nd time. this movie is based on a comic, but the comic is based on true events. the comic is dark and somewhat poorly drawn, but it still is an awesome comic. the movie is 10x better. i have never been a fan of war movies, but wow. i can't help but be pulled into this story of blood and violence. the comic book nerd in me screams "holy clashing of the titans, batman!" and the manly nature (i know that it is rarely seen) screams "ho ha".

i know that this makes me look like a bigger nerd, but if you were to ever see my office.. you would know i am a bigger nerd than this blog will ever show.

go watch 300.... you will love it. i may go for the 3rd time.. who knows. depends on if i can get my wife to see it or my father in-law. of course next weekend tmnt comes out... i used to be a huge tmnt fan. my friend dustin got me hooked on them in the sixth grade. he always had the cool toys. jerk.... i wonder if he remembers the time i bought him one that he already had...

we were all mad when bush listened in

i have never been one to feel like someone is watching me. nor have i ever had a hard time speaking my mind over the phone, but i should. we have all heard about how W. listened in on our phone conversations. sure it ticked some of us off, but it was for our safety... wasn't it? yet i have felt the pain of the invasion closer to home.
a year ago i spent some time with my brother in-law. we have always been good friends. i could trust him with anything (or so i thought). one night in his basement i opened up to him. sharing a story that had really affected me. as i poured out my heart, my friend, my brother recorded me talking about it. i wasn't too upset cause i thought he was going to erase it. 3 months later at a funeral a older friend walked up to me and said "this is the second time i have heard your voice today."
what?
he went on to tell me how he went to my brother in-law's myspace and heard a song about me with a recording of me talking about pooping my pants attached. i had to hold back the anger that i felt. i forced a smile and just laughed, but inside i could feel the dagger in my back and his cold hairless hands holding it.
for years i have held this bitterness towards him. i have thought of many ways to get him back, but i could never sink to his level of trickery. nor could i take on the role of a two faced christian that has become so prevalent in my life. so instead of telling him how i feel..... i just smile. sure i am putting it on here for all to read, but he will just get a laugh out of this...WON'T YOU DANNY! ?
someday my kid is going to beat up your kid. here is the link to the song "my friend tommy". http://www.myspace.com/theantagonizer

CONTEST TIME!!!

i will give someone $5.oo if they can tell me which set of feet is mine.

COMING SOON (wish it were sooner)!

ummm..yeah

it has come to my attention that some of my "ministry" related blogs have offended. i never set out to hurt some one's feelings. for that i am sorry. it is never fun for one to hear that they have hurt someone. so i say "sorry".
so please tell me.

shadows of flancrest

small shadows of this man
a man who finds pleasure from his hand
not the way a teenager may
but from typing his words for play
he accuses the mass of telling the world
while driving through the town with a horse unfurled
he laughs and believes he is the best
but he is nothing more than a shadow in flancrest

phoebe's darkest hour

today i heard some disturbing news. it's not a bodily function funny, but what the heck anger. today while visiting my doctor he told me about something that happened at his restaurant phoebe's. Friday night a baptist church rented the restaurant to have a special speaker. the cost was 30 dollars a plate (i should be baptist... they must be rich). 2 local girls were asked to help the speaker for the evening. the pastors daughter and a deacon's daughter. they were asked to paint their face black. the speaker also painted his face and look somewhat like a cross dresser. he instructed the girls to address the guests as "master" (add gone with the wind slave accent). the speaker talked with the same. through the evening he told his story. the same story saved through grace... yet why did he put down black people? it makes me ashamed to live in a southern state. makes us look evil and heartless.

riding the mattress

it has snowed 3 inches. i know to my friends in the north that is not much, but around here that is a lot. last night i was unable to drive up my driveway. thankfully i have 2 driveways and i shoveled enough away to park. this morning i awoke to a phone call telling me church was cancelled. i cheered a little inside (forgive me). something about being lazy on sunday feels good. as a child i felt like i was letting God down by not going to church, but today i felt different. i spent most of the morning outside in the snow (of course it took me forever to find clothes to wear in the snow that wouldn't get wet and chap my thighs that like to rub together). we have 2 really good sleds and one snowboard. they are fun, but the one thing that really gets you moving fast is this plastic mattress we have. on the normal sled you only make it down one hill... i took a run and jump and made it down two hills and across the road heading towards the lake. nothing like sailing at the speed of light on a mattress...
i guess that was just one of those boring stories... nothing really else is happening. i get to go to the doctor tomorrow. yay! i just hope he doesn't want to touch my doodads. he has big hands and it is cold in there. he is also a very tall person and i am short...

wal-mart and the looney tunes

one of my favorite weekend activities is to travel 45 mins to the (notice the "the") wal-mart. i live in a very small town and we do not have satan's chain in our town. so my wife and i travel almost every weekend to breathe in the low prices and cheap child laborer clothing. while walking down the aisles trying to help my wife avoid running into the woman on the jazzy (angie has a way of being rude without meaning to be rude. we fight when we are at wal-mart. she just doesn't think), i can't help but notice the different types of people i see. there are short ones, fat ones, and the ever loving looney tunes wearing sweat pants lover. (i know i wrote earlier about how much i truly love sweat pants, but my butt doesn't normally eat my shorts like this.)
i hope i don't sound rude, but i can't help but laugh at the ones who wear the tight sweats with their guts hanging out with a taz stretched two times his size. they talk loud on there cells and scream at their kid with out shoes.
ok... i should stop. i am becoming a jerk. i know that they live differently than me and Jesus loves them, but please... cut the kentucky waterfall (mullet) and for crying out loud STOP WEARING SWEAT SUITS IF YOUR BUTT IS BIG AND YOUR GUT HANGS TO YOUR THIGHS. i would want someone to tell me this... i am a good friend and i do love you. i just want what is best for you (and me).

the devil may have worn prada, but the preacher wore nail polish

as many of you know i work in a hardware store. mind you i am not the most manly of men. sure i like to spit when i need to. i do like to pee standing up (unless i am afraid that i may push something out). i also enjoy telling a fart jokes. yet today i met a man that made me feel so good about myself.
i was standing at my station when he walked in. he had a goofy smile and walked as if he could lift 3 times his weight. he slowly walked up to my co-worker and me. he talked with a deep voice and made sure we all noticed his chest hair meeting his chin hair. needless to say i was somewhat intimidated by him. he began telling me about the church he was pastoring. i never realized God could use such a manly man. then i noticed his nails. they had clear polish on them. why? is that something guys are supposed to do. in that moment i felt like the alpha male. sure my chest hair grows in patches and my voice kind of sounds girly when i laugh... yet... wait... nope...my nails are not polished. time to go work on a car and show my crack for awhile (that is what men do isn't it?).

beating my fears

for the past six days i have had the pleasure of traveling with my best friend matthew. i love to travel, but as some of you know i have a fear that takes the joy out of flying to chicago to l.a. ... it has crippled me for the past twelve years. most people don't understand, but a few do. while on this trip i suffered a major push towards facing my fear. i had been eating like crazy. it seems that when you travel with matthew food is free. it was wonderful. i believe i ate my weight in food. with that said... while waiting for the connecting flight to send us back to nashville it happened. my gut made a rumble and i knew my butt muscles would not be strong enough to hold it back. my worst fear was putting the pressure on.

(if you haven't figured out by now... i have a fear of pooping in public places. i can hold it for weeks if i have to. no, really i can.)

i looked at matthew with a bead of sweat on my forehead and said " i have to poop. if i don't do it now i won't make it on the flight." i walked into the restroom and it was empty. i slowly opened the door to see my cold porcelain enemy. i felt my butt pucker, but i had to work through it. as i took my place up on my fear i felt a warm power come over me. i will end there.

some of you maybe skeptical, but i took pictures to prove it.

my affliction

if you have ever seen me in person you know what problem pains me day by day and hour by hour. it is one that cannot be hidden. one that you cannot help but stare at. my whole life i have tried to hide this curse that my father says i get from my mother. in public i try to cover it up, yet somehow it becomes seen.
when i was in high school i noticed the problem. i didn't really think it was a big deal until a friend "pointed" them out. he laughed and called me names. i tried to play it off, but there was no way around it. when i entered into college the pain followed. girls would laugh and the guys would point. even the president of the school made rude remarks.
now that i am an adult i have tried to embrace this unique character. but at the end of the day i am sad. my wife offten tries to comfort yet i see where her eyes go.
one day while speaking with an older lady at church, i noticed her eyes were not fixed on mine. yet she was boldly looking at what i worked so hard to cover up. i wanted to ask her to please look at my face, but i was afraid.
this is not something you find addressed in GQ or Men' Health. they even avoid the subject. i pray that someday someone will find the cure for my sickness.
what is this sickness i speak of? i blush to even mention it. the constant hardness of the nipples. laugh.. call me names... but please... don't look at them.